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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Topic: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. james1
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    3 September 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    "I guess it depends on whether you will call yourself a runner at the end of it or you want others to call you that. "

    This bit. I no longer know if its the former or the latter. If I ask myself: if no-one ever knew, would I still run? Maybe, but only because I had nothing else to do. Not because I wanted to run. So it sounds more like the latter to me.

    Stuff with caregivers didn't change after hospital. Behaviours are too well entrenched and I can't handle too much change. Not when everything else is so rocky.

    Hmm...I understand what you mean by trusting the thought process. I do too, but I don't think I actually adopt the results of the thought process. Instead, I follow the thought process then I just adopt whatever the situation requires (do I want to be friends? do I want to present myself as x or y?). So then the entire discussion, looking back in hindsight, seems redundant except that I now know more about the person.

    When you say changeable do you mean changeable or evolvable? I ask because I feel like I change, but I don't evolve. It seems like people evolve their "base" based on feedback (e.g. through logic), but don't change their base from one thing to another. For me, it feels like I don't evolve based on feedback. I just do a 180 flip, then flip back, depending on the situation. Does that make sense?

    Ah, not sure what to say about her. I think when I look back, I just changed myself so many times that it became too confusing (or at least it was to me).

    Aha I don't know many people who do that with even TV. My accent changes depending on who I'm talking to, and I know others who do that too, but not TV.

    Do you think you look for and conform to "labels" to feel like you then have something to belong to? I feel like I might. E.g. right now, and I realise this may be insensitive (very sorry), but I wonder if I'm trying to be more BPD by entertaining certain destructive thoughts. Can I stop it? Maybe if I tried very hard, but I'm not exactly motivated to challenge my thinking right now.

  2. lookingforme
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    4 September 2016 in reply to lookingforme
    I am currently eating my feelings
  3. james1
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    4 September 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Is that what this lump is in my throat? :(

    Hugs.

    Imagine a little puppy next to you that said "Give me your feelings. They're too much for you. Hug me and pour however much you want. I don't understand anything anyway so give me anything you want."

    Let the little puppy take care of anything you can't say and let us handle the rest. How do those feelings taste?

    Mine are loud and burning. Yet greasy like oil in a frying pan.

  4. lookingforme
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    9 September 2016 in reply to james1

    The feelings didn't have much taste after a point. I ate obsessively, just had to eat, and felt sick after but didn't stop. Your feelings sound undigestible...

    It turns out that I adopt things from the characters in my audiobooks also. I wonder if it is because I don't associate anything as my own so just take from others. I'm a chameleon. I like chameleons at least. They have a very "I don't care you exist, and watch me make you think I've disappeared because I like it that way" attitude. Also, a "meh" attitude. I've been staring at too many chameleons I think...

    Well, we can ask why anyone does anything really? I was just discussing this in another thread, I don't feel I own any of my actions. I do things because it satisfies a requirement. Example, Tough Mudder; I wanted to do it at some stage in my life. So it was an idea of something I wanted, but that doesn't equate to doing something for me. I signed up for the event because I had the chance to, and if I never get the chance again, I would regret it. Everything I do now in training, is not for me, it's for that event. Even though I am satisfying something that I wanted, I am not convinced it's for me. If that makes sense. I get utterly confused at people telling me to find myself, or do what makes me happy. I don't really know what either of those things mean. I know I want to do biomed engineering because it would satisfy the logical and creative aspects of my brain, is that happiness? So, a reason of not having anything else to do, so you run, that's good enough really. And, for what it's worth, I did see the satisfaction in your words when you did better than you thought. So you have some care for it.

    Changing and evolving. I don't mind change, in fact I accept it a lot better than anyone I have known I think. Everyone I have known tries to run from it, whereas I just dive in. It just means I have to adjust and plan for it. Do you mean by evolving, the concept of changing and then sticking with it? If that's the case, sometimes, changing and then sticking with it might not be a good thing. As for you, if you are constantly changing, maybe you can learn to introspect and if you preferred the old version, change back. Could be your X-men strength, choosing the changes rather than it just happening? Something to work toward?

    I don't look for labels, no. It's okay for you to say so. I know that the label gives an excuse to indulge, and it is dangerous.

  5. james1
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    9 September 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Sorry let me know if I'm not making much sense, I'm trying to combine lots of thoughts from different threads.

    what you say about not feeling like you own anything is interesting. Here's what I think about running. I felt satisfied that I beat my expected time because it was unexpected. It was like oh, okay, I ran a better time than expected. Cool. I guess I have to try and beat it next time. There's no celebration because it feels like a step towards something other than my happiness. I run because I should run to achieve something to tell people I've achieved something. And when I achieve something there's always something next. And when people tell me to stop and celebrate for me, my reaction is similar to Yours about finding what makes you happy: i don't know what that means.

    Here's a challenge I didn't know how to answer: does it really matter? Does it matter that we don't do things for ourselves? If we can still do things and find some sense of satisfaction whether in comedy, achievements, or the company of others, do we need look for something for us? Or is this good enough? Somehow it feels wrong to say that this is good enough, because it's so unstable. Who I want to be now can change so drastically so quickly and it's like constantly starting at scratch. And that realisation gives me that "meh" feeling you talked about. Everything could flip in minutes so I don't really care.

    Now that's not very positive.

    You'll be gone for a whole week? We'll miss you! Is everything okay with Nan?

    Oh

  6. lookingforme
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    9 September 2016 in reply to james1

    You make perfect sense. Your running escapade sounds like everything I do. I guess it's easier for other people to look in and see achievement. Which frustrates me because I often ask why that is an achievement. So rather than making you happy, it's something you feel you have to do if you are going to continue with it, and you are because you feel like doing it because there isn't anything else that is interesting you at the moment; is that about right?

    That is a question I often ask myself. What does it matter if the reason I do something is not for me? Maybe the answer is that the resulting satisfaction would be longer lasting if it was for us? That's the only thing I can see that would justify the distinction. Longer lasting satisfaction, and more motivation to do these things. I just don't know how to make the transition. My psychologist is trying to get me to recognize my values, so that when I act, I act based around what I value. I think it is redundant in my case because I am not working against my values. I am struggling to work toward them actually. I suppose I have substituted depression and all the side effects and whatever else is going on with a "me" that it is the blackness working toward the goal. I don't think one can say that depression is something one doesn't value, and just work away from that. I don't know if that's a possibility? I'm having some philosophical disagreements hah. Suffice it to say, I don't understand, and I don't understand the explanations either, and I am frustrated.

    I can't accept this as good enough. How can it be good enough if we feel it as insufficient? Do you feel it is good enough? "Good enough" actually unsettles me. It's okay, you don't need to be positive.

    Yep, a whole week. Aw, I'll miss you too. Thanks for saying so. Yea, as okay as it can be. She is 94 after all. I won't be going over Christmas and I'm going to waylay the guilt trip she'll send me on by going for her birthday which is next week. Three days public holiday next week anyway, and as I have studies, I thought I would go. Plus, cuddles with the dog and tortoise, though I don't think Ziggy (the tortoise) likes cuddles. I named him after Ziggy Marley at the age of 6 (what was I listening to eh?) He does like water being poured over him though and kangkung.

    Ah the meh feeling. It sometimes occurs to me that, that is the best I can feel.

  7. james1
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    9 September 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Yeah that's spot on. Which is so frustrating because it's so tenuous. Just because I'm being a runner now doesn't mean I'll be doing it tomorrow. Then all of a sudden it'll all have been for no use except that it kept me busy for a while.

    The values thing is difficult. Do you think this is a case of BPD identity issues coming into the way of "fixing" the depression and vice versa?

    To explain what I mean it's something I've been grappling. Common ideas to get over depression all seem to hinge on doing stuff you used to enjoy/value. Long term goals don't get a look in because depression gets in the way. But identity issues seem to throw all that in the bin because they just don't make sense. I never did "enjoy" stuff. My short and medium term goals are super fleeting and I know will change because they always do.

    And in the opposite way, I'd love to fix my identity issues but it's too hard to think about who I am when that makes me think about the blackness and emptiness that I am right now. Okay, I know I am relatively intelligent, but I don't identify with that. Don't or won't is maybe the thing I ask. Am I just unwilling?

    I don't think good enough is good enough at all, hah. It's like resignation and resignation is hardly something to look forward to you know? Still, funny how this is the best feeling at the moment. Beats anything else I've been feeling recently.

    Oh my gosh there's a tortoise? That's cool. How old is ziggy? Don't you wish your life was so simple that having water poured on you was a real highlight? Haha. It's always nice spending time with the grandparents. Life seems so much calmer.

  8. lookingforme
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    9 September 2016 in reply to james1

    I dislike having progress hinging upon what I used to do. Because a) It implies that I liked what I used to do just because I did them, not true. b) it implies that it was a symptom of depression that I stopped, but what if I stopped because I disliked doing them and I got depressed because I realized I don't like doing anything? It's like trying to reboot to an older version that worked. I still work, just differently. Give me an upgrade instead. Whatever that means...

    The values thing is difficult because I hold them separate to anything. I mean, I value being kind and considerate, I don't think I am unkind or inconsiderate. It's not values that I am questioning, I don't take steps away from acting how I think I should act because of these bad things. This crap seems separate. And, if I'm not addressing the crap then what will I "fix?" Does that make sense?

    Yea, I get it. It's like the blackness is the core, and what you are or I am, is the outer layer that can get sloughed off and has to regrow.

    Yea, neither do I, good enough is...just not a good place to get be.

    Yea, funny...is one way to put it.

    There is. He gets accustomed to my petting after a bit. Doesn't mind me petting his legs, his head is a different story. But he arms up to it. It is, my Nan tells me all the stories from her life. Apparently, she doesn't tell anyone else. No one stops to listen I think. They are too busy getting angry at her, which makes me unhappy. She is the only grandparents I have left. But, she doesn calm me.

    Hah, would you like me to try it out on you? I'm sure I can find a bucket of water.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. james1
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    9 September 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Sorry was going home hence the late reply.

    Feels like we're never really progressing towards a sense of self because every attempt seems to inevitably be revealed to just be for someone/something other than us?

    So with the values it sounds like there's a layer of understanding missing between what your psychologist is telling you to do and where you feel you are at. Your psychologist is telling you to try and identify values to base your actions on, and hopefully through these actions and values get a sense of who you are. The trouble is you are getting stuck on the acting bit because the depressive symptoms are stopping you. And those symptoms also stem from your lack of self so...where do we even start? Is that kind of what you mean? I could be completely off!

    Oh it's sad how people treat old people sometimes. I mean, we know they love them but still...it's so unnecessary. My mum and her siblings are always ranting at my grandma. I feel sorry her, but she's equally good at dishing it back haha.

    Why do you run at 3 in the morning?

    Naaah I'm happy dry thanks hah. Reminds of the ice bucket challenge on YouTube. So silly.

  10. lookingforme
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    9 September 2016 in reply to james1

    Hey, no problem.

    I know I have sacrificed a lot for others, but can it be considered for something else, even though the ultimate benefit comes to us?

    There is a layer of misunderstanding, but it isn't what you think. My questions lie on why I focus on my values and act toward them, because it implies that I don't already. I suppose, the difference is to own the values I do have?

    Let me try and explain. I value knowledge, I value respect, I value kindness and caring. I know I value these things. I try to implement these values, so I study, I respect others, I try to be kind and caring. These are already happening. The depression doesn't make me value any of these less. They make me think and question the ultimate purpose, it imposes things, it distracts and it's volatile. It walks with me while I implement the values, and it takes more and more from me as I do it. My question is, why isn't the therapy more focused on stymieing the depression than getting me to focus on things I already know I do. I mean my proclivity to s.i. doesn't stop me from caring about you or respecting you.

    Then I ask my question of are they my values if it is for the purpose of other. I treat others as I want to be treated, so are values implicitly our own or for other people?

    It is sad. Very sad. They get so angry at her, and yet they don't see that they are as unchangeable as she is, though she is in her 90s, let her live her life. She does yell back though, and I love it when she stumps them with her mental math capabilities.

    I run at 3 because I start work at 7 am, get ready by 5.15 am because I don't wake up if I don't shower in the mornings, and if I want a stretch afterward, hydrate properly beforehand etc, especially since my plan requires getting the distance in rather than the time, I need to wake up at 3am.

    Haha, well if you want, I have the high pressure hose with me ;)

  11. lookingforme
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    9 September 2016 in reply to james1

    Well...something went missing

  12. lookingforme
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    10 September 2016 in reply to lookingforme
    I am signing off now James, catch up with you when I can
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  13. xmin
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    22 September 2016
    Hello there,
    Just found this thread a little while ago, the managing BPD thread I was on before has died for now. Not really sure where to jump in but I thought I'd say hello and make myself known *friendly wave*
  14. james1
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    23 September 2016 in reply to xmin

    Hey xmin :)

    Welcome to our little thread. As you can see, lots of musings and wonderings here.

    Did you want to share if you're a person with BPD symptoms or living with someone who does?

    James

  15. xmin
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    23 September 2016 in reply to james1
    Hi James =)

    I was diagnosed earlier this year with BPD, and I also suffer from depression and anxiety. Currently medicated and seeing a psychologist- although I'm thinking of pausing my sessions for a bit. How about yourself?
  16. james1
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    23 September 2016 in reply to xmin

    I don't have an official diagnosis from a psychiatrist (I only just saw one on Monday and he made me really angry, so I'm going somewhere else), but my psychologist is working on Schema Therapy and DBT with me. She's not a big fan of diagnoses so we're just focussing on what my symptoms are, which I prefer. I'm also currently suffering from depression, but the anxiety seems to have come down a bit. This all came to the fore about 4 months ago.

    Why are you looking to stop your sessions? Do you feel like you're better than before?

    I'm finding the co-existing depression and BPD to be a real pain to deal with at the same time. Working on one is so much harder because the other seems to get in the way. But I think I've realised it'll take a while so I'm slowing my psychologist appointments just to try and get more routine in my life.

  17. xmin
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    23 September 2016 in reply to james1
    Ah, sorry to hear you had a bad experience, hope you're able to find someone you can work with better. Sounds like you're on the right track with your psychologist. My psychologist mentioned that having a concrete diagnosis goes down differently person to person, but for me even though it was shit having another mental illness added to the list it was somewhat comforting. Made me feel a little less crazy for no reason, and that I had something specific I could work on.

    I feel like I have stabilised a bit. I was in a relationship before, and that's when I'm the most frazzled. I'm managing alright day to day now, although it was pretty rough for a while. Plus the sessions aren't that cheap. I'll probably resume them at a later time(definitely if I ever get into another relationship), try to continue with my self care.

    I kinda get what you mean, it's a lot to untangle and deal with. I've had depression since I was in my mid teens, so I have gotten used to it, but it still creeps up and immobilises me mentally from time to time. What does a regular week look like for you?
  18. lookingforme
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    23 September 2016 in reply to xmin
    Hello Xmin. Welcome to the thread. Looks like we're all a bit new to this BPD thing...I'm glad you have stabilised a bit. I'm in a "withdrawing" phase at the moment so won't be as consistent with replying. I will try though.
  19. james1
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    23 September 2016 in reply to xmin

    Hey xmin

    I'm glad the diagnosis helped you out there. I honestly don't know what to think of it anymore so I just focus on the symptoms. Easier that way to understand what's wrong, but it's all very rocky.

    Yeah, BPD seems to flare up in close relationships. I'm generally okay with strangers, but anyone who starts to get close...that's what stresses me out.

    Did you work on any specific therapy which helped you out?

    I work 9-5 during the week during which I'm mainly finding issues with concentration and just lack of motivation and a fear that I'll lose my job. Outside of it, just trying to deal with family mostly at the moment and make sure that's not triggering me too much. I think for me it's more just a matter of having too many thoughts in my head that I just shut them out, but that's when depression just sneaks up and goes, BAM, remember why you hate yourself and all your past failures? It catches me out every single time, haha.

    If you don't mind me asking, have you got much support from friends and family?

    James

  20. xmin
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    23 September 2016 in reply to james1
    Thanks for the welcome lfm, no worries I'll catch you when you happen to drop by =).

    Yeah, going through the symptoms/presentations and working out what I had and how it presented was a real eye opener, but it is still a challenge. BPD feels much more complex and confusing compared to depression, but I'm kind of seeing the root of the problem and the whys and hows of the disorder.

    Have you managed to make any progress dealing with closer relationships?

    There hasn't been any specific therapy I've been using, but we have been discussing sitting with the feelings when they come, and self soothing. I haven't been severely distressed recently but in the past I would get stuck in a highly emotional loop and I wouldn't be able to calm down or get over it. Very tiring. So we've been discussing actions that I can do to relax myself when it comes up, just simple things.

    Is work aware of your issues? I have both the concentration and motivation issues, but my job is reasonably secure. I am planning on changing jobs next year, but that hurdle is for later. What's your family situation like? Urgh that's a real downer. Do you have any hobbies/sports/activities that help with your mental activity?

    No problem, ask away! Also if I overstep/you don't want to answer all good. I've told a few friends and they've been supportive as they can but it's a little hard. I have numerous friends with depression, but no one I know with BPD. It would kinda be nice to have someone who's going through the same thing, I felt it when I connected with fellow depression-sufferers. I haven't told family as I'm not close to them and I don't see much point in it. Mostly because I didn't have a great childhood and they definitely contributed to the nurture part of it.

    xmin
  21. james1
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    23 September 2016 in reply to xmin

    Yeah, BPD seems a lot less common and more difficult to describe in its entirey than depression. The individual symptoms are easy enough, but actually living with all of them running concurrently all the time... that's the bit that's difficult to explain.

    In my experience, everyone feels like they do have one or two of the symptoms every now and then so they say, "Oh it's like when blahblah" and all I can say is "yeah, but no". Everyone gets angry, afraid, uncertain about who they are, worried that people will leave... but those things don't describe the chaos.

    I've been thinking to myself: the root cause of BPD tends to be a rocky childhood, so a lot of the symptoms can appear childlike/immature. I'm only speaking for myself when I say how I behave feels (in hindsight) like a 5-7 year old full of energy and dedicating all my energy to whatever thoughts, feelings or actions happen to be in my mind. But unlike a child, there's a bit inside which knows I shouldn't do this. So I feel really bad, but I can't break my habits and the internal fight just rages on until I shut down and block it out.

    No, I've not really had a chance to deal with closer relationships. My family is too fraught with bad history for reasons similar to yourself and my last relationship break up was what triggered this depression and decision to check out what was wrong with me.

    Hmm...DBT focuses on distress tolerance and is one of the therapies for BPD, so it sounds like you were learning those types of skills. It feels like overcoming and changing all the behavioural aspects of BPD needs to come from understanding the cause (nurture aspects) and learning those distress tolerance techniques.

    I'm not sure what BPD traits and behaviours you exhibit, but do you feel like you're working on the depression or the BPD at the moment? Or both concurrently?

    Yeah work is aware but I'm feeling like I can't continue doing this forever. There will come a point when I'm dropping too many tasks, so I'm really just trying to minimise what I need to do.

    Mhmm...I do a bit of running but that's about it. Recently I've been trying to start writing again, but it's difficult to get my concentration back. How about yourself?

    James

  22. xmin
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    23 September 2016 in reply to james1
    It is hard to describe, whenever I've tried to tell someone about my diagnosis/the condition I've always had to reference an article with checkpoints, and even then it's hard to explain how serious they are. One person I told who has depression just said that it sounded like depression, which was kind of frustrating, but understandable. It does feel like a draining roller coaster, when I'd rather just have boring stability.

    In that sense it's like other mental illnesses- like depression, anxiety and OCD. Most people feel a shadow of these things some of the time, but it's not the same. At least mental illness awareness/acceptance is coming along, although I feel like borderline is far off. Most of the borderline representations are just like 'Crazy Bitcy Syndrome', and don't really garner much sympathy.

    Hmm. I guess I can kind of relate slightly to that in that if something is effecting me emotionally, it will demand most of my brainpower and energy and I find it hard to put things aside. Not sure if it's like that. That awareness that you have of your behaviour...well currently it's just part of a negative cycle. But for starters it's a somehow positive thing that you're aware- that's what they say about problems right? It does suck noticing all of the specific negative behaviours I go through, but hopefully one day it'll be managed more correctly and easier to tolerate.

    To be honest I've gotten a bit confused with all the terms whirling around- I always resort to googling them. That does sound like the approach my psychologist has been using with me. Part of understanding the cause has been discussing my family history, and it's been quite satisfying and relieving having an outside party acknowledge that what happened to me was unfair/not right/abusive/damaging.

    I guess..since it's the newer diagnosis BPD has been the main focus for me, but the other two are always running around in the background.

    Fair enough there. Do you have any plans to take leave/change your situation?

    I'm doing martial arts twice a week, it does help to shut out most thoughts for an hour. I've been meaning to do something creative but haven't really had the motivation for it.

    xmin
  23. xmin
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    24 September 2016 in reply to james1
    Hmm...how long does moderation usually take? It's been a few hours and my response hasn't come up...
  24. james1
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    24 September 2016 in reply to xmin
    I find Fridays/Weekends to be a bit shaky at times :) I'll keep an eye out.
  25. xmin
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    24 September 2016 in reply to james1
    Hmm, I think it has been lost to the vortex. Somehow I always struggle to rewrite a message once it's gone but here goes.

    I have found BPD pretty tough to explain to others- I usually have to refer to a list of symptoms in an article. And it doesn't help that the main representations of BPD in fiction just come across as having 'Crazy Bitch Syndrome'.

    Yeah exactly, it's the same with depression, anxiety, OCD and so forth, people experience some of it to some degree but it's just not the same.

    I guess I kinda have something similar in that if something is affecting me emotionally it will demand most of my brainpower and attention, and I have issues with just putting things aside. I get stuck in a highly emotional loop when I'm upset, and I guess it's mostly linked to abandonment, or being let down/misunderstood. Very tiring. Well, right now your awareness of your issues is just part of the negative cycle, but I guess it's something that you have that awareness? That's what they say about problems, right? Hopefully it will come to place where you can identify and address but of course that's a hell of a lot easier said than done.

    Hmm fair enough. Have you told any of your friends about these issues?

    Yeah, DBT sounds about right. Part of that understanding the cause has been a lot of talking about my family history, and it's been quite relieving hearing an outside party say that what happened to me was not right/damaging/abusive. The bad part I guess is having all these feelings(mostly of hurt and injustice) cropping up and then wanting to hold family at an arm's length for all these past transgressions.

    I guess I'm working more on the BPD part at the moment, but the other two are always running around in the background.

    Do you have any future plans to /are you able to take a break from working? It's good that you're trying to keep on top of your workload/stress levels.

    I'm doing martial arts twice a week, which is great for shutting things out at least for an hour at a time. I've been meaning to do drawing/painting(I'm horrible at both) but I haven't found the motivation for it.

    xmin
  26. james1
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    25 September 2016 in reply to xmin
    Hey xmin I got your reply. Looks like they both came through haha. I'll reply later this arvo :)
  27. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    25 September 2016 in reply to xmin

    Hey xmin,

    Yeah borderline is a quite bit... different from depression. My psychologist prefers to talk about it as "emotional dysregulation disorder" which sounds a bit more friendly haha. It also captures the rollercoaster you were talking about.

    My friends don't really get it unfortunately. Similar to you I think. One friend thinks in terms of sadness and another friend thinks in terms of panic, but they don't really hit the mark.. or come close to it at all, haha.

    Yeah, the one thing being aware of it has helped with is that I can try to accept myself a bit more by understanding everything in terms of how I grew up. But there's a certain sense of "there's something inherently wrong with me" that comes with the thoughts, and that's not a welcome sense. It's easy to say it's not my fault, but when I start looking at my life in the past and thinking about even what I do now, I can see the patterns and it's not a good feeling knowing that all these thoughts and behaviours which I thought were normal, actually aren't. And who knows what else I do.

    I can't really stop working for financial reasons but I feel like I can't continue not being able to focus either. Something will have to give, and I hope I can just get my focus back soon. Are you working at the moment?

    Oh martial arts is good. I've been meaning to start boxing because I get a lot of anger bottled up inside which usually gets directed at myself, so boxing would be a good outlet. What kind of martial arts do you do?

    Do you mind if I ask if you exhibit any of the dissociation type symptoms?

    James

  28. calamity
    calamity avatar
    5 posts
    25 September 2016

    BPD. Trying to live with it is hell sometimes. Right now I'm having a typical overreaction to something that happened a year ago. Or did it really happen? In my mind it did.

    I don't want to be BPD. I was sort of diagnosed (perhaps I'm in denial) about 3 months ago. The other night I almost told my boyfriend - but chose to keep it secret still. Any way just cos I'm now diagnosed-ish, doesn't mean I have changed as a person, so really it's none of his business

    Any way back to the now. Right now I'm on the edge of a total melt down. I've tears streaming down my face, and I'm hiding from the people who make me feel like I'm worthless. Having BPD means I don't really know if that's what they think of me, but in my head that's what I'm sold on. So I'm just anxiety-ing panicky attack-ing on the couch hiding while the people basque in the glory of beers and long weekend fun :(

    I hate it, this BPD

  29. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    james1 avatar
    3071 posts
    25 September 2016 in reply to calamity

    Hey calamity,

    Welcome to the forums! It really is hell living with it.

    It's always the relationships that we get massively caught up on and it sounds like you really struggle with that too.

    You're absolutely right that it doesn't change who you are, but I think it's worth having a chat to people close to you about what it means. I say that because they may misunderstand why we do the things we do. For example, I pushed my now-ex away for fear that they would push me away and leave, and it seemed better for me to pre-empt it. Of course, she was never going to leave and it was all in my head, until I acted... that's when it all went downhill. If I'd known and had the conversation previously, maybe things would be different.

    Have you got a psychologist or psychiatrist still that you see? Did you want to talk about what you're still struggling with from a year ago? I don't know if I can help, but my psychologist has been working on something called Schema Therapy with me, and one of the things I try to do is log when I feel overwhelmed, so talking about it could be a way of "logging it" in your mind.

    James

  30. calamity
    calamity avatar
    5 posts
    25 September 2016 in reply to james1

    Hi James

    Thank you for the welcome.

    What happened .... A couple of times my boyfriends family have talked about 'his birthday' last year. Um .... I don't recall him having a birthday party .... so that means he hid it from me, but he didn't have a problem with me paying for his things, giving him presents, doing his mountains of paper work, etc etc etc. I don't get why. We spend and were spending everyday together at the time. So it just solidifies my thoughts that they hate me. Pathetic this is ...but it's causing me to unwind.

    You don't tell people you love them, and then treat them like they come from a giant dispenser of paper towels, just to wipe your hands on and discard at your will.

    So in my little bubble of deciding what isn't and is social justice, I now have the subject of my newest obsessive compulsive behaviour.

    I really really really don't like being this way, don't want to be this way, and am so exhausted with this stupid little game of,

    'I'm so changed, I'm so better, I see psychs and do minfulness and it means I'm normal now'.

    But it's just a front, because the same stuff is still going on inside my head, and I'm still doing all the bad stuff I always did!

    I wonder how the 'people' will take my mindfulness crap if I put some on now!

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