Thanks Pamela,

The Easter camp is a really important event in our extended family. As a young child migrant I really missed my relatives so remaining close to my family is important as I don't want my children to miss out like I did. It is just a shame that Easter may be marred by my DIL but I'm not prepared to let this stop me going to spend time with my family.

I saw my psych today & discussed the issues. He suggested that I talk to the family members who have been upset by my DILs behaviour & suggest they speak up if she does anything to upset them eg asking her not to yell at her children or husband. Although she is unlikely to change her behaviour at least others will feel free to express their feelings rather than just getting upset. I'm unsure how it will go but it may be better than the alternative.

The other issue we discussed is their move. My psych is concerned about me putting myself at risk trying to help. He asked me to work out what I could do to help that I am comfortable with without putting myself at risk. The idea was to plan ahead so I don't get pressured into doing too much or doing something which is too hard. I am unsure what to do. If anyone has suggestions I would welcome them.

Hi Elizabeth

I understand that everyone has a different situation as well as a different psychologist too.

My psychologist (and GP) keep letting me know that I come first (just the same as you with your Easter camp being important to you)

Just my humble opinion if thats okay....Your peace of mind is paramount. Sure there are difficulties with your DIL but you seem to really want to go in your heart.

Its taken me 35 years (unfortunately) but I come first when I have to make a decision similar to yours Elizabeth

My kind thoughts

Paul

Wow Elizabeth, I think Paul has nailed it.

It's about YOU! You are important and sometimes others have to take a back seat. From my perspective - you are not responsible for your DIL behaviour or your son's behaviour.

Let life be about you! Let the others worry about themselves. TBH, you're not responsible for them. They are old enough to take responsibility for themselves. Maybe you need to give yourself some kindness. Hope this isn't too hardish.

The Easter camp is too important to miss. I have grandchildren looking forward to seeing me & I can't let them down. I want to spend time exploring with my grandkids It will be fun to see their excitment. I also want to take time to talk to extended family members & perhaps play some games as I don't often get the chance now my husband is blind.

The main issues I have are

1 My DIL I find her difficult to be around I need to take the time to do things away from her (without being too obvious) Taking the grandkids into the bush is probably a good way to escape.

2

Sorry I somehow posted half way through

My second issue for Easter is ensuring I get enough rest & time for myself so I don't return home exhausted. I have a habit of trying to fit in with everyone & joining in with what others are doing. While this can be fun I often push myself too far & do too much. This wasn't such a problem when my husband was able to help with everything but now I too often return home exhausted & then struggle to put everything away & cleaning everything after returning home. Maybe I should set myself some time each day to sit in the car or somewhere away from everyone & read or something to have a break.

If anyone else has suggestions I welcome them.

A bigger issue for me is what to do when my son moves. I don't feel I will cope with spending too much time with my DIL. I feel my son will need help but don't know how to manage that without injuring my back trying to help lift. If I don't help & he ends up really unwell due to the stress I will feel guilty

Hello Elizabeth

Sorry it's taken so long for me to respond to your last couple of posts. Easter has been busy for me.

How is your Easter camping and your DIL? Half expecting you're not on internet atm and you'll respond when you return.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Hi Elizabeth and All,

I've not been around for a few days. Hope the Easter camp is/has been very successful Elizabeth.

I sometimes wonder why people are afraid to speak up and tell someone that their behaviour is not acceptable. I know I wish I had the guts to do that at a few family gatherings!

Regarding helping your son and family with their move, I know it is really difficult when you want to do things but you just can't physically do it. Have you been able to chat with your son about how you feel? Does he have some mates who could help out?

Sometimes it is hard to ask! People are willing to help though usually.

Hope it all goes well.

Hope everyone reading this is doing okay, or at least as well as they can right this moment!

Cheers all from Dools

Thank you Dools & Pam, We got back tonight. Tomorrow will be busy washing & drying & putting away stuff. Too tired tonight!!! It rained last night so the tent was soaked so needs airing before packing it away properly.

My son was in a good mood most of the time & my DIL was OK although yesterday & today she started becoming very load telling off the kids & really grumpy. I was very annoyed to find out she went into more debt to buy more unnecessary things but then complains about being really short of money (Can't afford food or rent!!!) I try to tell my son to put his foot down to stop her spending but he doesn't have the strength to stop her.

I enjoyed time with my daughter & her kids particularly. I wish she lived closer so we could visit more easily.

Today I have been feeling down with no good reason. My sister is visiting in a couple of months. She lives overseas so I haven't seen her for over 10 years but I'm feeling negative about it thinking she won't want to see me & remembering every negative thing which has happened. It is as if I'm preparing for the worst so i can't be disappointed. I am worried about her husband & her son who are both hard to handle

I need to go as I'm exhausted.

Sorry my last post was a bit negative. I am still feeling a bit flat & unmotivated with no good reason. I am worried about my son & his wife & them moving. My attempts to encourage them to change their spending habits has failed. They seem to rely on others to help pay essential bills & buy food etc while they spend money on non essentials. My husband has become unwell today which worries me. Even though it is only a cold it makes it hard to manage his other health problems. I am feeling tired which is not helping me cope with my negative thoughts.

Dear Elizabeth~

I would imagine the build up to, then the time with your son and DIL would have been very emotionally exhausting. And now it is over the reaction - combined with straight physical tiredness would have set in . This is all not helped of course by having your suspicions confirmed that they are in their usual prodigal state.

I'm sorry to hear your husband is unwell and hope he recovers speedily. Do you have any chance of a rest at the moment?

Croix

Hello Elizabeth

Actually, I think Croix is right - you're probably feeling flat and drained from the weekend away with your son and DIL.

Not sure about you, it takes me days to get over intensive social contact (e.g. Easter weekend with all the family). Wow, I'd be wiped out for a week.

Hope your husband gets better soon.

Be kind to yourself Elizabeth.

PamelaR

Thanks Croix & Pamela, I didn't expect to feel down after Easter. Mot of the time it was pleasant. My oldest son's DIL assigned meals so I only had to cook one meal apart from breakfasts & it was nice having time with the extended family so it wasn't like I had a huge amount to do. It did take a lot of time airing everything out & packing everything away. Yesterday I visited my daughter & looked after her kids while she had an appointment. I enjoyed spending time with my grandkids but was tired as had to get up early to get there on time.

I have felt tired today but need to work in the garden. I need it tidied by next week for my husband's birthday party. I am unsure if I should push myself to get more done so I'm not stressed at the last minute or if I need to rest & recover particularly if I'm coming down with a cold or something.

The negative thoughts about my son & DIL make sense but I can't do much about it. The negative thoughts re my sister's visit is an issue. I am worried I will make everything worse by my thoughts & the thoughts affecting how I act. Low self esteem is making me feel like she won't want to see me so I'm cutting myself off to avoid being hurt. I've already said she can stay with my brother rather than me I want to disappear I need to finish as I'm getting too focused on the negatives

Hello lovely Elizabeth

Aren't we so difficult on ourselves, especially when we think our thoughts will make things worse of affect how we act.

Elizabeth, you're not alone in how you feel or what you think. You are wonderful and all I can say is be 'kind to yourself'. Give yourself a few 'browny points'. From everything I've read that you post, you absolutely deserve it. You are like me, I am so critical of myself, what I do, how I do it, when I do it. etc.

Be kind to yourself. I think you're awesome Elizabeth. I really do.

PamelaR

Thanks Pamela for those kind words. You have a lovely way of expressing yourself. I can't talk much at the moment. I 'm exhausted & that is unlikely to change until my husband improves or gets bad enough to have him admitted into hospital. We saw the GP yesterday & was told to just monitor him & come back if he gets worse. I find it hard to know at what point to take him. So often we go & there is nothing they can do but there have been a couple of times he has almost died after arriving in hospital even though I was unsure if he was sick enough to go. Last night I was kept awake most of the night by his coughing. I can't sleep in another room in case he starts to choke & suffocate which can happen to him.

Good morning Elizabeth.

Your hubby illness must be very distressing. Sleep would help you if you can get some - maybe try to catch some during the day if you can. It sounds a little difficult at the moment.

Thinking of you. Also, thank you for your kind words to me.

Hi Elizabeth,

Just want to let you know I am thinking of yo and your husband. Sorry to read you are doing it tough right now and you feel so tired. I understand that!

For a change I am short on words today, but not on sentiment. I do hope you find ways to deal with the tiredness and I hope you are able to decide what is best for your husband with his health issues.

Wishing you a "good" weekend, doing only what you are able to do and feeling like that is enough. Words from my psychologist this week!

Cheers to you from Dools

Thanks Dools & Pamela, Currently waiting to find out if my husband is staying in hospital. I dropped him off in Emergency this morning as his condition had deteriorated further. I am babysitting my grandson so couldn't stay with him. At least if he stays in I might get some sleep tonight. I can't believe how quickly he deteriorated.

Hello Elizabeth

Sitting with you and your grandson, holding your hand. How painful for you. Sending you all the energy and love I have to help you through this time. So difficult I know.

Let's hope you get a good night sleep. Send an update when you can. Will keep an eye out.

Love and hugs

Pammy

Hi Elizabeth,

Thinking of you and your husband! Do you have people there who can support you right now if you need to talk with someone?

Please take care of yourself, I'm really sorry to read of your predicament.

Hugs from Dools

Thank you Dools & Pamela, 

I went in to see my husband after my grandson was picked up. They haven't found out what is wrong Chest X rays are clear but his breathing is still poor & they are worried about his condition worsening because he is so exhausted. They are unsure how long he will be in hospital for. I've texted my children living in Australia & they have each rung me to find out more. I haven't told the two living overseas as they can't see him anyway. I'm having a slack night tonight as I'm tired. I feel as though I've achieved nothing this week. I had hoped to get my garden cleared up a bit as it looks a mess but I've done very little.  Next weekend I'd planned a birthday party for my husband & invited all the extended family on both sides so I wanted the garden looking reasonable as there isn't enough room to fit inside. Now I don't know what will happen. I had enough on my plate before with my son & his family moving & all their issues & then my other DIL recently started work so she can't take time off & her parents have gone away so she needs help babysitting her older son during the school holidays.  There were other things I need to do but now I feel like I can't think what needs doing. I don't want to ring anyone else because they will think I'm asking for help & I'll feel stupid for not coping better. I don't like people helping because they feel obligated. I don't need help while he's in hospital anyway.

Thank you Dools & Pamela, 
I went in to see my husband after my grandson was picked up. They haven't found out what is wrong Chest X rays are clear but his breathing is still poor & they are worried about his condition worsening because he is so exhausted. They are unsure how long he will be in hospital for. I've texted my children living in Australia & they have each rung me to find out more. I haven't told the two living overseas as they can't see him anyway. I'm having a slack night tonight as I'm tired. I feel as though I've achieved nothing this week. I had hoped to get my garden cleared up a bit as it looks a mess but I've done very little.  Next weekend I'd planned a birthday party for my husband & invited all the extended family on both sides so I wanted the garden looking reasonable as there isn't enough room to fit inside. Now I don't know what will happen. I had enough on my plate before with my son & his family moving & all their issues & then my other DIL recently started work so she can't take time off & her parents have gone away so she needs help babysitting her older son during the school holidays.  There were other things I need to do but now I feel like I can't think what needs doing. I don't want to ring anyone else because they will think I'm asking for help & I'll feel stupid for not coping better. I don't like people helping because they feel obligated. I don't need help while he's in hospital anyway.

Take care dear ElizabethCP

Sending yo all the positive energy I can....

Regards

PamelaR

Dear Elizabeth,

Thinking of you and your husband. I really do hoe that if you need help you are able to ask for it. I know that I am not good at asking for help myself even when I could desperately do with assistance.

One thing I have been learning is how to say "NO" when I am just not able to take anything else on. Even that doesn't always work, but when it does, it is empowering. It is not saying "NO" to be mean or to deprive anyone else, but a NO that means I am looking after myself.

It sounds like you are understandably a little overwhelmed with everything that is happening and will be happening in the next week or so. Hopefully you can find time to just sit, rest and think what really needs attention right now.

Wishing you all the best Elizabeth, hope the Drs have some answers soon.

Cheers from Dools

Today has been up & down with my husband very unwell last night & still awaiting tests before he can have any food or drink so this is a worry. Tomorrow I need to babysit. My grandson should be well behaved bu I would prefer time to myself but couldn't say no. It is confronting when doctors ask about CPR & then suggest that from a medical viewpoint it is not advisable for my husband. I know this is just a precaution in case things get worse but it is still confronting. I seem to spend so much time answering calls from family members wanting an update on his condition but I feel lost. I'm just the carer with no purpose other than ensuring my husband is OK. My son (with the good wife)did invite me for dinner which was nice. He lives near the hospital so it was easy to visit the hospital after tea so I shouldn't complain. My daughter is unwell & doesn't live near so she can't visit & my other son is supposed to be packing ready to move.

Hello Elizabeth

Life sounds quite hectic for you atm. There is so much on your plate. It's understandable that you're feel up and down.

Caring for people can leave you feeling drained and uncared for. Also having to wait for tests to be done and to wait for the results is also very stressful. So, try to be gentle with yourself.

Kind regards

Pammy

I'm feeling really tired even though I'm trying to go to be at a reasonable time. I'm feeling very down at the moment. I'm feeling useless. There is so much needing to be done but it all seems pointless while I don't know what is happening to my husband. I'm tired of explaining his situation to everyone who rings. That is all they want to know. I feel very alone yet having to deal with too many people & their demands. Sorry I'm just feeling very negative. My psych is away so my appointment with him is less frequent than normal at the time I could do with it.

Awww Elizabeth. You don't know what's happening with hubby. It must be so frightening. Then having all those people phone and make demands on you. Wow, I can see why you're tired, feeling down and negative.

Have you thought about taking the phone off the hook? Guess that would be difficult if the hospital or your hubby phone.

If you're psych's not about, what about ringing the BB 24hr line 1300 22463624.?I'm sure they'll be there for you to talk.

Hi Elizabeth,

It must be very draining for you not knowing what is happening to your husband and needing to tell family information you just don't have at hand. I too was going to ask if you might feel comfortable phoning the Beyondblue help line.

I am also wondering if you might be able to tell one son what is going on and ask him if he can call his siblings to let them know as you are becoming quite tired with all the calls.

Is there a support worker or a chaplain at the hospital you could talk to? Just having a chat with someone and a cuppa can make a huge difference.

Are there some things you can do to help yourself feel better? Do you have a favourite meal you like to eat, favourite take away, a special place in a park to sit for a little while?

Hopefully the time with your Grandson went okay. Maybe you could do some finger painting together, make up some play dough go to a park...guess it all depends how old he is!

Not knowing what is happening can be very draining. It is good that you are able to share here how you are feeling Elizabeth, hopefully it helps. I also hope you are able to find more help right where you are too!

Hugs to you from Dools

Hi Elizabeth,

Just dropping by to say hello and hoping you and your husband are okay!

Cheers from Dools

Thanks Dools & Pamela, I really appreciate your kind words. Yesterday was really busy & tiring so I didn't have the energy to answer. My grandson was well behaved but wanted to play tag at the park. Unfortunately my running is poor at best & when tired like yesterday I am really slow so ended up exhausted trying to catch him. I had to give up.

My husband is still in hospital. He looked a bit better today but they are still trying to find out what is wrong. He is still in a lot of pain.

I'm feeling quite alone. I is like everyone is concerned re my husband but if they ask how I am it is just in passing not like they care. I still feel lazy & unmotivated.