Thanks Quirky,

M came over today & a few things are bugging me. He jokingly made a comment that made him sound like a spoilt brat and I told him so. He said his mum told him the same thing recently. I to him if he starts behaving like that we're gonna have an issue. We were then talking about thd show SAS & he said 1 of the girls who voluntarily left weak, a quitter. She had no physical injury and no reason to quit. Her reason was she felt crap everyday. Anxious on edge. I told him he has No idea how it feels to have anxiety, feel crap every day and to reach a point where you just don't want to feel like that anymore. He then invited little miss & I to watch grand final at his. I reminded him about curfew. He said to leave at 1/2 time. Said they'll start drinking at 3pm, i don't drink. Will be him, sis & bf drinking. We can have dinner then I can be home before curfew. Little miss usually spends Saturday with her dad and gets home after dinner, suggested I pick her up early . He then said tell her she has to sleep at her dad's & I can sleep at M's. I'm not interested in a slumber party with them and No way little miss sleeping at her dad's. She's never slept there. No bed just a mattress on the floor. M said her dad can sleep in his parents bed ( they both died this year) and she can sleep in his bed. His room is down the back of the house. Told M no way I'd do that to her. I don't even want to go to M's for GF if it's just a boize up but I really felt he was pushing for me to go. Maybe he's realised they're a 3some & wants me there? Thing is I don't want to go if they're just gonna drink & then have to leave early. Not enjoyable for me and gatherings against the rules. He seemed insistent. I raised legitimate points, he bit back everytime. We didn't go last year but sis bf did. Slept there for first time, in lockdown. I'm really not interested in going while they drink & I'm left out.

Any suggestions?

Also we had the earthquake yesterday. After checking my kids 1st thing I did was call M. He told me First thing he did was check his new concrete didn't crack. We did go over for breakfast as we had no power, but I wonder if I hadn't called first if he would have thought to call me?

I'll have to ask if he checked his concrete before or after I called lol.

I think what bothers me the most is this spoilt brat attitude. We have both said at our age there are things we won't tolerate but there is a difference between not tolerating things/behaviours and acting spoilt. Also, I hate how he yells when footy is on and how he's loud when he drinks. He & sis' bf can have their fun. Sis loves it, her and her boys. I'm not interested.

I'm also really peeved cos he told me to tell my 8yo daughter she has to sleep at her dad's so I can sleep at his place, yet he can't tell his sis to butt out when she intrudes.

Seriously???

Haha according to him he said maybe my daughter could sleep at her dad's,not that I should tell her she had to. Ok, I'll give him that but he did say he can't believe in that big house there's no bed for her. He just said maybe he could set something up for her, it would be good for her to sleep there. He knows how toxic her dad is. Why even push it?

It seems maybe he'd like to see some changes. Well so would i with his set up but I don't see anything changing.

Dear CMF, this is a pile of crap.

do not go and do not do to you daughter what he is suggesting. You have her best interests at heart, only you know her and her father and the situation. How dare he suggest their sleeping arrangements. One of the things I admire most about you, is the way you put you children before yourself, And especially this young child who is very vulnerable in all this. You can’t just tell her you want to sleep at his place so she can stay at her fathers, which she has not done before.

Your instincts about your child are right and who cares about the footy that much

if you don’t drink then sitting about while others “tie one on” will not be great.

i can’t believe he has asked this of you

love Tess

Thanks Tess,

I feel disappointed cos I've been so happy. I would NEVER tell my daughter she has to sleep at her dad's. If things were reversed, he'd never ask his son's to sleep at their Mum's (if they were younger). He can't tell his 41 yo sis to not intrude, or that she should move into her place cos he feels he's kicking her out yet it would ve good for my 8 yo if I told her yo sleep at her dad's.

I rang him later and asked if he was OK cos I found him arrogant. He asked if it was the comment on the girl who left SAS. told him that and the other things. He's always surprised that I call him out like that but he has told me that if he gets too cocky to tell him to pull his head in.

Anyway, told him I won't tolerate it & that there's no point going to his for Gand Final if they're gonna drink and I have to leave early anyway. I'm hoping it pours rain, that's a good reason not to go out.

Disappointed

...and when I asked him to sleep over for the 1st time he didn't cos he wanted to me sure his 18yo son was OK with it. He promised himself he would never let his son feel abandoned by Jim like their mother did.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander

Dear friend, CMF,

stay strong. You absolutely right in this matter.

Tess

CMF

I agree with Tess .

It is amazing how people can tell others what do with loved ones but in their own lives fit in with others.
Ms comments about the woman on SAS, I didn’t watch the show, but when people have no experience of anxiety or another mental issue, they have no idea how strong that woman was on a national show to reveal how she was feeling. Also going on the show when she knew she had anxiety took courage.

I feel the same way about footy finals.
I like the way you stand up for what you believe in and I hope M values what a special person you are.

Dear Tess & Quirky,

Thank you. I spoke to M re the comment about my daughter sleeping at her dad's. He said it could be good for her to move out of her comfort zone eventually (same if his kids) but acknowledged her dad needs to create a warm, homely environment and acknowleged it would be hard for me and little miss initially. He's done lots for me recently. Got up on the roof to check something, cleaned my gutters, helped with a new fridge delivery. We did go for dinner grand final night. I could see he wanted that and I need to give a little too. His mum came, apparently only cos I was there 😊. She is a beautiful woman. M hadn't been drinking up yet at all. When sis' bf arrived around 6ish he was keen to get M drinking but M said later, that he just wanted wine with dinner. I went and sat in the lounge as seeing the 3 of them is too much for me. Even though they were doing nothing wrong. At dinner M dropped food in crotch and commented he'd dropped food on his ba##s. I found this inappropriate at the dinner table and n front of his sis and told him do. I know they speak like that, my family don't and makes me uncomfortable. Sis commented that he forgot his mum & I were there. Nice. Clearly the 3some are different amongst each other and I'm again feeling like a guest, outsider. They then joked about his mum buying sweets for when visitors pop in. As we are in lockdown and can't have visitors M said they are for the Wednesday night visitors ie when they all go there for dinner. Again, doesn't include me. I became anxious and very quiet, wanted to leave. Maybe M picked up on it as he was affectionate toward me. Arm around me. Finally 1/2 time and we leave to get home before curfew. Sis' bf asks why we're leaving, everyone points out we have a 9pm curfew. He says no, just sleep over. Nice gesture I guess but not his house to make that call & I'm too old for slumber parties. I want a quiet life, not a party life. Clearly he's right at home there. More than I am. I know these are all just my thoughts and feelings but it just consolidates how they're a 3some, spend more time together & I'm just M's partner. The guest, the one who doesn't like stuff everywhere, the one who has to go home and be on my own while they have fun. When we left sis said it was nice to see me again. I wonder what they really think about me not going over much anymore?

It's like dating M as an 18yo again.

Anyway, going thru a bout of anxiety. Since the road out of lockdown was announced. I think it is just all the changes and uncertainty again. Back to the office or not. Back to school or not or few days a week. Change of routine, changes at work.

I feel crap. Just crap and alone.

Cmf

Stay strong CMF,

you are not crap and are not alone. Your little girl and other children love you, we are here. I know it is not the same and I know what you mean. But you are not at fault here. Xx tess

Thanks Tess,

On Saturday night M's sis was making fun of her bf'S text messages again. He is Brazilian, heavy accent. English not perfect. She was joking/annoyed about a message that made no sense. I didn't react & M quietly said to me that some of them are pretty bad. Not a nice quality to make jokes about your partner behind his back to others, especially when he's trying his best. Not his fault English is his 2nd language. When he arrived she was picking on his clothes, saying he had his dancing shoes on.

Yeah, not a fan of that behaviour in front of others.

It would make me uncomfortable CMF!

sounds like an all round unpleasant experience

tess

To me that's just low. l speak my gf's messages no problem we can talk about anything in messages most of the time but most people couldn't even read most of it wouldn't know what she's talking about. The last thing l'd do is make jokes about her English though. Not only is it really cute anyway and to me it's just the her as l know her but she's doing her best and it'd really hurt her feeling and efforts if l was to say things.

l wonder how he feels about it.

rx

CMF

yes I find making fun of someone trying to write in another language is not nice. My family make fun of all my typos and voice to text and I know I make typos here and English is my only language.

I think when a partner makes fun of their partner in front of others I find it very uncomfortable.

You are such a caring person and I hope M appreciates what a fine person you are.

Hi Tess & Rx,

Not eve sure if he knows as she did it in front of m and i on Saturday before her BF and m said tome some messages are really bad/make no sense so she must tell M all the time. M wasn't laughing when he told me though, he said it quietly and was a little serious. I found it uncomfortable. i don;t want to laugh and make fun of the guy behind his back. One time she did it when i was there but she told him when he arrived. Stil...on Saturday she looked annoyed about it, like he was an idiot. He had also sent her 5 short messages and she complained about that and said omg. Yeah, she does not have the patience m does, he is very patient and controlled, they are quite opposite.

Thanks Quirky,

i do care for people, even if i'm not close with them. i have seen what she is like, can be dominant, wants attention, rude, interrupting. He is a great guy. might have to be to put up with it all lol

cmf x

M dropped in for a coffee today. We were having a lovely chat till he told me sis' bf was giving his son a haircut tonight. It triggered me. He is a chef, maybe he knows how to cut hair too although M's son's hair is a ball of curls, can't be that hard to cut. Anyway. It was a reminder of how they are always doing things together, her bf is more a part of their life than me. I'm an outsider, a nothing. I guess they're all going for dinner at their mum's tonight too.

Just always a nothing.

It's no one's fault. I don't expect his mum to have another 2 or 3 of us for dinner every week but I can't help feeling I'm not a part of anything. They can have dinner, talk, laugh and I'm on my own with little miss. Funny thing is, if I were adkef now I'd have anxiety about it cos they're close and I'm not. M's boys are probably closer with her bf than me cos he stays over. At least M was smart enough not to send me a photo of the son having a haircut. He did that last year's lockdown. I'd had a bad day at work. Didn't finish till 8pm, was upset and lonely and he sent me photos of them having fun. I lost it. Told him he's so sensitive. That I sit alone every night while he sits with them doesn't even consider spending time with me. My whole life changed. His not at all cos he could still cycle, have dinner with his family, have fun. Everything I enjoyed was taken away.

So I feel myself withdrawing again. Feeling alone. Wondering why he's with me when he's got everything at home. What am I?

Again. 3 of them should shack up.

l do know where your coming from .

Back in my 20s only a gf l was with for awhile. But first there was her thing with her family , she was happy just sitting around with them all day night wkends, holidays. But 2ndly , her sisters bf , whom got along with my gf better than he did her sister, l use to wonder how the sister wasn't worried. l didn't fit anywhere and her coming over to mine was like a sacrifice to her.

One wkend we went away, l didn't think she'd come it'd mean leaving the family and sisters bf. Well we had a great time but getting back to Melbourne that night , she was suppose to stay at mine, and l was so looking forward to it being just us, just to round of our wkend away. Well it was a 6hr drive home but as soon as we got back she made an excuse and raced back to hers the sisters bf and family , and l was left home alone after finally having our beautiful wkend away, just us. lt never ended.

M always reminds me of her and the trouble is like her, he just loves it too. And like us , your just so different like that. lt's a pretty tough call tbh.

rx

Dear CMF,

i hope that you are ok and your weekend brings you some joy

tess

Hi RX & Tess,

Hope you are both well. Had a lovely weekend thx Tess but have Sunday night blues.

I'm anxious about Covid stuff. I'm vaxed but some of my colleagues are adamant they won't but now must to continue to work. I worry for these people. It's not my problem but I worry how it will affect them. I too was very hesitant originally so I understand how they must feel. I feel it's going to cause tensions and feel uneasy.

Cmf x

Great you ha a nice wkend cm, l like the sound of that haha, good for you.

rx

My daughter has here VCE music performance exam this Saturday morning so i have asked M if we can move our 'sleepover' this week to Saturday night instead of Friday. We will be busy in the morning preparing and I want the house to be calm for her. M can be a little loud in the mornings (annoying lol) and i know she doesn't need extra things going on and people around. I was going to ask at the last minute, curious to see if he agreed straight away as my overthinking lead me to believe he makes sure his sis is home with his boys when he sleeps here. I could be completely wrong but if i am right it will peeve the crap out of me cos it's just another thing where his reliance on her controls our relationship and she would feel he just can't live without her. It is also another way that she affects our relationship ie if she is going to bf's would he come here and leave his adult boys? I'll need to find a way to suss it out.

Aaaaaanyway, my request threw him. He said "What? What are you talking about?" I asked again and he asked "Why, what's happened" there was almost a bit of panic in his voice which i find funny now. I think he may have thought i meant every week (sis goes to bf's Saturday nights i think) but I explained my reasons and he was fine and agreed straight away. I'm pretty sure if he is relying on his sis to be home he is not going to tell me cos he knows how i feel about her being so involved and affecting what we can/can't do. I didn't leave it till the last minute so he will have plenty of time to ask his sis to be home if that is the case but Il def need to find a way to see if my thoughts are correct. Just thinking about it being correct is agitating and putting me in a bad mood.

cmf

So on top of sleeping here Saturday night M asked if I still wanted to do dinner Friday night. I was surprised, thought he may want to be home with the family Friday night seeing as he's staying here Saturday.

Maybe I underestimate him?

Cmf

Inconsistent. Was discussing a few things with M, observations really and he told me he is inconsistent. He is never consistent with anything.

No wonder i feel i'm on a roller coaster at times. He like the edges of the grass perfectly straight down the street and the pool clean, but he is ok leaving dirty tea cups on the coffee at night when he goes to bed and having a messy kitchen. His bedroom is always neat and tidy, bed made, no clothes or shoes lying around, but the kitchen & living area of the house has crap everywhere, yet he cleaned out his son's room and told him he needs to maintain it. I told him his inconsistency makes me feel like i don't know who he is.He is annoyed that a parent rom his school walked in with no mask, but it's ok for his friend to pop in for a coffee on Saturday's while we have restrictions. He told his sis it was not right that her and bf had friends over a few weeks ago who got drunk and stayed the night but he wasn't angry like he was with the dad who walked into the school with no mask.

I'm glad he can see it and admitted it, but no wonder i am confused lol. He did say he would make an effort to be tidier if we lived together as he knows i would keep things tidy. He also understands it helps my anxiety. I told him when i go to his house and there is crap everywhere, i don't know where to look and it makes me agitated. He understood that, which was good.

Wow. It seems our chat last weekend had an impact. M told me he's been doing alot of cleaning this week, that he'd cleared the kitchen benches, put things away, tidied up. Said he cleared the dining table and when I jokingly asked if he's putting his cup in the sink/dishwasher before going to bed he said yes.I asked why & he said cos I like things tidy. I said yeah, but I don't live there. He said doesn't matter,he did it cos he knows it's how I like things. I was surprised and told him I'd pop over today to have a look. OMG, he wasn't joking. The kitchen looks amazing and bigger. I've never seen it so clean. Told him I love it but hope he's not cleaning up after other's cos they leave crap around...hint hint. He said next step is to clean up the living area. He going to clean up all the crap under the coffee table (all sis') and remove all the spare chairs cos the more chairs, the more crap gets dumped. I can't believe he's doing all his. He really took on board how it made me feel. The front fence was finished yesterday, looks great. He wants to change the windows and said down the track could live there with him. There is lots of room and we coukd lounge by the pool together.

Wow, guess last week's conversation had an impact.

Cmf x

Haaaa well there ya go cm .

More progress , kinda jealous btw with my sitch the way it is buttttttt, your getting there eh really pleased for ya. He was always gonna take a lotta patience but it's paying off huh.

Hava nice Sunday.

rx

Hey rx,

Yeah I was pleasantly surprised. He's told the family it is the new standard and needs to be kept that way. Can't wait till he does the living room cos besides the spare chairs everywhere alot of the mess is sis'. I wonder what she thinks of it all? I guess He's wanting to create an environment I feel relaxed in so I'll start going over more. Also, I'vebeen very considerateof him when he sleeps over.. I'd love to see if he follows thru on telling sis not to interrupt us. I'm still quite surprised he went to the effort considering I'm hardly there. It was a big effort considering how much stuff was on the kitchen benches. It makes me feel my feelings are a priority to him and his sis in not in charge. He's taking a stand on how his house (which hopefully he'll fully get back next year) should be presented. From the sound of things they'll sell their townhouse, he'll give her money back and she'll move back into her house. Fingers crossed that's how it happens although it means she'll be there till after July by the time it all happens. I guess I can deal with that considering the changes He's making. By tidying up he's bringing a part of me into the home. It's nice.

Cmf x

Well this has been a long time between chats!

I hope you remember me - been a couple of years since I logged into Beyond Blue but wanted to log in and check up on an old friend :)

Hope all is well.

Jay