Congratulations Q on your revelation and disclosure.

Many people struggle to express their true feelings, including parents! Your father comes from an era where "real men don't cry", and being a man on the land, it is normal that he relates better to males.

It is fantastic that as an adult you are finally able to take those tentative steps toward common ground.

Hi Again Quercus,

So there it is in black and white ! me being an absolute selfish , nasty, self absorbed piece of crap. Have plenty more but need to make sure I have enough words left to apologise . I'm sorry if my unfeeling comment took any shine off your experience with psych.

You are such an amazing person who has come so far because of your strength and courage and you deserve every wonderful thing coming your way. Please believe me when I say I am so happy you have the love of your husband and now understand that your father loves you too- this is awesome and is certainly what you deserve.

I cannot delete my post so please delete from your mind and forget I ever posted it- maybe forget me altogether. I continue to amaze myself at how unfeeling I am and hurt people who I respect and admire

Go forth and celebrate you deserve it

Take Care

Stressless

Congrats Quercus
I've found that it's important to celebrate the small victories in life and I reckon this is one.
Learning from our experiences makes us stronger and wiser. Everytime you have a breakthrough like that you will get stronger. By reading your posts on other peoples pages you are an amazing women. You just need to try to tell yourself this once in a while.
Stressless - unless the post was heavily edited I don't see the negativity you talked about. I see someone who was positive and caring and doing the best they could in that moment. You too need too give yourself a pat on the back and administer some self love rather than self -deprecating

Love to you both

Stressless,

i too saw no negativity in your post and agree with what annie said.

As we say around here, be kind to yourself :-)

cmf x

Oh Stressless,

You're so very hard on yourself. I didn't see your comment as horrible at all. I actually wondered if I should put the boobs comment in at all I was worried it might be a trigger but decided I wanted to be able to read my post as it was. And it was a trigger unfortunately. I'm sorry.

Do you want to talk about that? Have you talked about that to your psych? The betrayal of trust? I didn't get any answers on how to build self esteem. My progress was knowing why I acted as I did and that things have changed so I am not at risk anymore. It is a huge thing to feel safe. It doesn't change the hurt or anger or disgust. But I know I'm safe now.

How are you Stressless? Honestly?

I care about how you feel. It's ok to reply however you like. I'm not remotely upset (plus my meds have been upped so I feel a bit spacey today ☺). Honest is good. Honest replies let people know why you're hurting.

I'm here if you want to talk Stressless. CMF is spot on about being gentle to yourself. My old psych used to say forgiving too. We're all human ☺

Just wanted to write and give my thanks to you all. TA and Ross and Stressless and Mary and Annie45 and Fiasco... the neverending support is overwhelming in a good way.

Mary you are right about needing to store some of the words. Sometimes I write things out just for myself. So I don't forget. Put it down while it is clear in my mind. The reminder would help a lot I think.

I feel some relief today. More medication and a bit of peace in my mind. I took the kids to a park with friends and relaxed a bit. I feel better finally knowing why I did what I did. I've extended so much energy worrying about repeating mistakes. I worried needlessly. Now I just need to focus on self esteem.

How is everyone else today?

Hi Quercus, Annie 45 . CMF, White Rose

Not sure where to start except to say thanks for your support.

Quercus please don't apologise for stating your feelings . You are allowed to say what you think and feel here as you know. Yes I was triggered big time , but that's my issue not yours. It really came out of nowhere . I have thought about it all day and still not sure why it hit me so hard

I think it was a combination of things. The comment your father said to you was so like mine, but the overall context was wrong. I know this now. I did not know it then. My father loved me too but not the way a father should love a daughter. I think and it pains me to admit it, but I was jealous when you said you and your father were rebuilding your relationship. My father died , violently, not long after the abuse stopped so for me there will be no closure, no answers. My mother who turned her back on me and refused to admit what she knew was going on is no longer verbal , so no answers there either. But as my psych has said what could they say that would make it acceptable on any level.

I have discussed the shame with psych yes, it was he that exposed all of my feelings of self loathing and inability to trust, not only others but myself. How can I trust my instincts when two of the most important people in my life let me down ? I think it was White Rose who said how hard it is to accept a compliment. For me that was always part of the what we now call 'grooming'.

I so want to feel safe like you do Quercus - what a lovely feeling that must be. I don't feel unsafe in my life at all, there is no violence no abuse. My husband is not my father, but that is the problem - I treat him like he is. I second guess his motives and I don't trust his words because who would ever love me for me when that has never been enough before?

Oh what a confusing mess our mind makes of things - guess that's why we pay the psych's the big bucks!

Anyway not sure if any of this clarifys my weird behaviour but I hope it goes a little way to helping you understand that sometimes I type before I think

Take Care

Stressless

Hi Quercus

I'm ok. I sent a reply last night but it seems to have been held up

I will wait a bit and see if it's let through

Take Care

Stressless

Hi everyone ☺

Well I wrote something on another post that I'm going to copy here for me.

Reminder number one for developing my self esteem...

There's something appealing about quiet self confidence and self assurance. My husband is like this. He values compliments from people he values and cares about.

Otherwise he couldn't care less what people think. I love it. I notice people are drawn to him because he does not want or need their approval.

I told him once I secretly wish for attention when we are out because I want him to feel like his wife is desirable and to make him proud.

He looked at me like I was nuts. Why would you care about that? Do you think I would have married you if I didn't think you were attractive? Interesting? Worthwhile? I don't care what they think... It's what I think that matters.

I'm not sure if this is a healthy approval. To need my husband's approval of me to build my own self esteem. But I'm taking it anyway. I will use this until I can accept myself for myself.

Hello Quercus

The weirdest thing. I posted to you this morning just before I ran off to my exercise class. The post has not appeared so is probably in another dimension and I am ticked off about it. However, I wrote an answer to a query of yours about writing down the hurtful thing that have been said to you. Now I was pretty sure this comment was in one of your last two posts but clearly it's not. Neither can I find it. You haven't been peeking into my brain have you, and putting thoughts there?

Well I will give you the same answer I wrote this morning. Writing down hurtful things can help so long as you get rid of the paper afterwards. No point in reading it again because you will only get hurt again. So write it all down and then burn the paper(s). You can just throw them in a fire or make a little ceremony, it doesn't matter. Remind yourself while the paper burns that you are free of this kind of bullying and can now stand up for yourself. You may find that quite refreshing.

It's a wonderful feeling to realise you have made such a huge step. All the tension and energy you previously used to stay upright has now been released to be used elsewhere. Have a party, at least in your mind. If you appear to be tired remember it's a natural reaction to moving such a big roadblock. Take a little rest and bathe in this new feeling of well-being. Let yourself feel it in every part of you and rejoice.

I also asked if you had read a book called Man's Search for Reason by Viktor Frankl. It's about how people survive hardships, emotional and physical, by having a reason for living. Frankl was a Jewish psychiatrist caught up in WWII and put in a concentration camp. The book is not about the camp and what happened other than to state the setting for his observations. He noticed that those helped others were more likely to survive. Those who felt they had a purpose in life. It's remarkable because it applies to folk like us who want to give up at times but don't because we have a reason to go on.

Hope you are feeling more refreshed.

Mary

Hi White Rose,

I found your post to Quercus under my thread To tell or not to tell

Gremlins at play??

Take Care

Stressless

p.s would like to read that book also

Hi Q -

How did work go today? Am thinking of you....

TA

Hi TA,

Work is night shift so I've still got the day to worry haha. Nah it will be ok once I'm there.

Hope your psych appointment was alright. How are you holding up today?

Night shift...bummer.....guess that works better with the child care though. Just as well you're a night owl! Good luck.

Doing OK today thanks. Session went well thanks - eventually! I have posted but it will be held up in moderation as I used the "S" word! Took the psychologist 40 minutes to write the requested letter, leaving us only 5 minutes for therapy, but then I ended up in there for 75 minutes so got some resolution on some issues. Still haven't worked out what I'll do once my visits are all used up. Still haven't decided if he is worth paying for!

Good luck tonight.

TA

Hi TA,

Well work kind of sucked. At least I don't have to go back for a while I supposed.

On the positive side I coped better with my new "it's a job just do it" attitude. On the down side I feel like crap. Before Maternity leave I felt like a part of my work. Like I had a future. Now I don't.

I asked if anything important had changed while I was on leave. Apparently not. Then I stuffed up because apparently there was an important change and I used the old procedure. I'm not in trouble but I felt like an idiot.

Ah well. Thanks for listening. Time to sleep.

That sounds like a normal response. And I guess everyone gets so caught up in the day-to-day that they forget that things changed yesterday. In my old job we had a communication book, and any changes were documented there. It helped when people were away for some time because they could catch up, rather than relying on others memories of events. Does your workplace have anything like that?

It's normal to feel on the outer when you first go back. It won't take you long to get back into it, for things to be back on automatic. You have changed, the environment has changed - cut yourself some slack and congratulate yourself on getting back there.

So you made a mistake based on misinformation. Oh well. Now you know. You learnt from it. Such is life.

Get some sleep, and remember - the next time is never as hard as making that first step!

TA

Hello Quercus

I haven't written much, possibly nothing, for a few days, and I feel I have lost touch with all of you. No doubt it will all come back. I imagine this is how it feels for you returning to work. A few years ago I had a few months off work because I broke my kneecap. When I walked into the office no one said hello, glad to have you back etc. It was so uncomfortable. My boss didn't bother to speak to me, so when she spoke to someone near me I asked her what she wanted me to do. I was told to catchup on my emails.

My job was project based. Someone else would have taken over my work while I was away and thought I would get new projects. Eventually on the second day I went to her office and asked what she wanted. It was the strangest return to work ever. But life settled down and I became immersed in my work. Interactions with my colleagues returned to normal and life went on. And this will happen for you just as TA has said.

You have come a long way in the past few weeks and your world, or rather your outlook, has changed significantly. I think you are looking at everything with different eyes, especially work because so much has happened while you were away. Let yourself settle in for a couple of days and see how you feel. You can start making decisions about going or staying once you know how comfortable you are about the job.

I get it about wanting your husband to be proud of you in public. However I think his attitude does have an impact on other people. They know he would not allow any denigration of you or anything of this sort. It is obvious that you are loved and wanted.

Just think, if he kept you on display you may begin to feel like a trophy wife. ☺ I wanted to copy one of those smiley faces you use but could only find this on this page. So take the thought for the deed.

I've had a huge week including a chat to my GP who is pleased that I am managing so well. It feels strange in a way because I realised when she and I chatted that I have no more suicidal thoughts. All dropped away along with my feelings about the person who triggered them. It feels a part of me is missing, but in a good way. I wish my weight would do the same and take a hike. Ah well, one step at a time.

Mary

Hi TA,

You read my mind! When I first started we used to have 15 min team brief and team changeover (that dissappeared with the manager when he left unfortunately). Now we get bombared with emails instead. Last night as soon as I arrived I was sent to a job so no time to check emails. I keep suggesting the old way but the management just say if you want to read emails come in early (unpaid). I laughed and said I do and get sent out to work unpaid!

I think what upsets me is I've been at my workplace for 6 years. So the new casuals don't know any difference (and don't complain or they don't get hours) but us oldies have a comparison. And the management is pathetic because they hire people who have never actually had to do the job so have no idea of how it functions (but don't take suggestions).

Hubby says it's a simple solution apply for a management position. I laughed and laughed. 😊

Thanks for letting me vent I needed that!

Hi Mary 😊

​How frustrating! That's the second time lately I've hit cancel instead of post. Annoying because I of all the things I wrote the other night when I couldn't sleep this was one of the most important to me...

So so so very happy to hear your realisation that you don't feel the dark thoughts anymore. That is massive! And worth celebrating! The post I wrote had your words surrounded by about 40 of my smileys haha. Thought I may not do that again just in case it didn't post due to excess smiley faces 😊

You've also been very busy supporting everyone. Have you been resting too? You sounded a bit tired on another thread I read just now. Are you alright? How are you feeling?

I'm a bit tored tonight so will write tomorrow. Take care of yourself too Mary.

Thank you Quercus

Yes I have been a bit tired. I think it's the remains of the aches and pains not wanting to play elsewhere. Strangely enough I have found the energy to return to BB and answer posts. It's a bit more like me and also takes my mind off other things.

Thanks for the smiley faces. I used them on another long term post, which has now ended, and I made sure there was a smiley on each page for me to copy when I needed it. Before I knew of the existence of these smiley bits I used to write (smile) after the comment. Smiley faces are much easier.

I think your husband has a good idea in suggesting you apply for a management role. I worked for the public service and often managers were recruited from the lower ranks. Trouble was they could do the job but were just not managers. I have always thought managers should be recruited for their management skills since this is the job they are supposed to do. Doesn't stop them finding out what the staff do and what works well.

Good managers will often put good work strategies in place which are not necessarily the same as the previous manager. But until they have found their feet so to speak they should let the staff continue in the old ways. So go for it. You may well find you enjoy it.

Make sure you get some rest.

Mary

Hi Mary,

I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit more like yourself even if the pain won't cooperate!

What's new in your world? I feel a bit out of touch lately.

I've been ok just tired. I'm finding the new meds have an unanticipated side effect which I'm a bit embarrassed to talk to the psychiatrist about.

I'm just tired and uninspired. And beyond frustrated. The kids piss me off constantly and my usual response was once they went to bed I'd ask hubby to take me to bed to "get rid of some of the frustration". It worked. And then the new meds. I can't get any release. Arrgh. Talk about frustrated. Poor hubby is worrying and I'm just tired and frustrated.

Embarrassing. You've tried lots if meds... Is this common? Any ideas on how to broach this topic with a male psychiatrist?

Sorry for the overshare Mary!

Hey Quercus,

Male perspective here, but same issue. Meds do have that annoying side effect. The side effects can lessen a bit after a while, but it can be a matter of trying different things or talking to hubby to try and see if you can clear the air about what's realistically going to happen while you're on the meds.

I think any psychiatrist will be understanding. They've heard it all before so it'll just come down to what you're most comfortable with. I kind of skirted around it but my GP got it. I know others here like to write stuff down, or you could just print off the list of symptoms and say you have the 1st,2nd, etc. ones.

Bloody annoying side effect though,.

James

Hi Quercus

Just reading your post re awkward conversations with psych

ummm do you remember a certain conversation a certain person posted on funny experiences thread re sex and threesomes ? 😱

I don't think you will have any trouble broaching this topic

Take Care

Stressless

Hello Quercus

Thanks for keeping in touch with Fiasco. That was a worry.

Yes I've tried lots of ADs but you must remember I live on my own. No fringe benefits. Some meds do have this unfortunate effect. You do need to tell your psychiatrist and he needs to consider potential side effects, especially when it has such unwanted effects. As James said, sometimes it just wears off.

I can see how embarrassing it may be to chat to the psych on this topic but it must be done. Try writing down what does or doesn't happen and just hand him the list. I would not expect him to delve into details but may ask clarifying questions like What is the usual state of play?

Thanks for asking about me. Mostly the pain has gone, my energy level is increasing and I have been writing much on BB. Appointment with the psychiatrist in the morning.

Weather has turned a bit chilly this afternoon. Forced to put the heater on. I have spent the morning at one of my volunteer jobs. Very enjoyable with lots of laughter. We had two people with birthdays so sang Happy Birthday. Then we started talking about birthdays and parties in our past and what would be our ideal party. Great fun. One lady said she would take everyone for a fish and chips lunch.

I told the story of how I went to the birthday party for the girl who lived next door but one. We were the same age. You must take into account WWII had not long ended and we did not have access to much sugar and other goodies. So when the mother passed around some sandwiches I said I wasn't allowed to have sandwiches, only cake. I do blush with shame. Ah well, when you are five years old all's fair in love and war. Perhaps I should put this on Croix memory page. Or maybe not. It is supposed to be for happy memories.

If I may suggest Quercus, how about you have a rest from the forum. You will of course be missed but it may help you regain some energy. You have been pretty full on for a while and coping with your own problems as well. Although I have been talking to you Stressless, Fiasco and The Abyss I have not posted to many other people. I find when you are tired this sort of work can drain you quite easily.

Have some time off. Play with your children, cook delicious meals for your husband (and invite me😊), go for walks either on your own or with others. I know you need to sleep in the day when you work at night, but find some time for you. Coffee and a book sounds good. The forum will still be here when you return.

Mary

Hi Mary,

How are you today? I like that you're always volunteering. What sort of places do you volunteer for?

You're advice was solid as always. Thank you. I had an early night and feel a lot better today. You're right I think I need to cut it down a bit. I find it hard not to worry about people but I think I've been online too much.

Being mostly a stay at home mum I like having a conversation or interest that isn't about children. I have playdates and friends but there's always an element of children involved. This is the one of the few things I have that is just for me and is helping others so it feels good. But I am tired. So need to cut down.

Arrgh sorry yeah I didn't consider that you lived alone. That was a bit inconsiderate of me. I spoke to the psychiatrist and got a similar answer so hopefully the side effects pass. On the positive side when I said that to hubby he took it as a challenge to experiment and find another solution haha. So looks like I was worried about nothing after all. Arrgh. Another overshare my apologies. Man I love my husband 😊.

Anyway I hope you are well and I'm off to pot up some Dracena cuttings my friend gave me.

Take care xx

Hi James,

Thank you. I do appreciate your empathy and reassurance.

Funnily enough the first thing the psychiatrist asked me was about side effects of the new meds. So I stumbled through an explanation thankfully and agreed to wait and see for a while

The weird thing was he said he might need to refer me to another psychiatrist to deal with the meds while he does the psychotherapy. Because he said a lot of my issues are related to sexual abuse he said it's better for an independent review if the side effects are sex related. Makes sense I guess.

Anyway. I appreciate your POV.

Hope all is ok with you. I'll come harrass you on your thread in a bit.

Haha yeah Stressless...

That was bloody embarrassing but it kind of just slipped out in discussion. Whereas raising this in a topic felt a bit weird.

Moot point seeing as he asked me about the side effects anyway which meant I could just hint at what I meant and he got the point thank goodness. So worrying about nothing again ☺.

Hope you're ok today I sent you a post earlier. Take care of yourself ok.

Hello Quercus

Glad to see you back here and also that you are reducing your input to BB for a while. Spending most of the day in conversation with children does seem to fog your brain. We certainly need adult conversation. Have you thought of starting a book club? Get a group together, decide on a book to read and make sure it's available from the library, read the book and meet to discuss it. My group meets once a month and we take it in turns to host. I have read many books I would not have otherwise looked at. The host chooses the book so we need to book ahead about three months. I enjoy it very much.

No you were not upsetting me with your discussion. I wasn't always alone and my memory is not completely shot.😊Glad to be of assistance.

The plants I ordered arrived yesterday and are sitting on my kitchen bench. Not the best place but I don't want to put them outside as they are in their little pots. I will transfer them all to one big pot until I can decide exactly where to plant them. Still struggling with the new garden design. I think I want so many things in it which is being over ambitious, and not enough room anyway. I'm told that less is more so I will keep that in mind. I do want a large water feature but will need to have a solar battery to run it and recirculating water.

You asked about my volunteering. I am a member of a Pastoral Care team. Sounds very grandiose. My manager and I visit a day respite centre for older people, most of whom have some form of Alzheimers. We meet with a group and talk and laugh. We get them to remember past events and talk. Last week two people had birthdays, so we sang happy birthday. One lady used the whistles they were given to play Happy Birthday. Most impressed.

I also visit someone in their home. I am part of a reading and writing group, teaching these skills to people who did not learn at school for various reasons. Actually the underlying reason for this group is to give them communication skills to help them interact with others. So I get quite busy at times.

Never lose your writing style. I get a giggle out of it, thank you. Continue to look after yourself.

Mary

Hi Mary,

I wish we could upload photos sometimes I find the idea of your garden revamp facinating! Any progress on getting out there yourself or still the garden bloke? Well as to the garden being too small there is always the vertical space! I remember seeing a massive frame of wheelbarrows 9 in all. Strung up and potted up. It was superb.

I read part of a new book today won't mention the title because it's a bit out there. But in a chapter called How to develop self esteem he wrote two sentences...

Write down a list of all the things you would dream of doing if you had self esteem.

And then work through the list.

What an idea! I have all sorts of things on my list in my head. Volunteer work features highly. I think your idea of a book club is great too. I basically get down about feeling like I don't have a life or a self because all of the things I dream of doing I've never done. That's me all dreams no action.

My goal this week is to write my list and pick one thing off it. That's it.

Mary do you feel much satisfaction from your volunteer work? I remember going to nursing homes with my Nan who volunteered. Just little things like making morning tea and opening the windows for someone who hadn't seen sun all bloody week. It makes me sad thinking about it. I think that's why I hate my job. I'm paid well but it is meaningless to me. I'd rather be at a hospital opening up those horrible juices that people with arthritis can never get open. And making sure people have water. Ooh maybe I need to move on from this topic. It is upsetting.

I'm a bit adrift to be honest. Not in a bad way just sorting out feelings. Psych session was interesting I realised I place no value in my home duties. And that at heart I am bored intellectually.

Anyway I promised myself no forums tonight. Might go listen to some Jon Bellion and see if he has the words for how I feel 😊.

P.S. thank you for your comment about how I write. Unconsciously or not I found I write here how I used to write to my Grandma. How I miss her. Sometimes I go to pick up a pen and write to her and then realise she is gone. I didn't realise how much I loved catching her up on the 'goss'. And finding the random stamps because I knew she'd collect them. Ah. Tears now. Time for music.

Hi Q,

How are you feeling today?

You said 'I basically get down about feeling like I don't have a life or a self because all of the things I dream of doing I've never done. That's me all dreams no action.'

First of all, you are not alone there. You summed up how i feel at times, all these ideas but nothing happening.

Secondly, don't forget you are a mum and a wife. it is very easy to do what we have to do in those roles and not get onto fulfilling our dreams. In my case i probably don't have the support with the kids to look into my dreams, but some of it is me just getting out and doing what i can when i can too.

Hope you have a good day today.

cmf x