I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

Hi Emmy 😊

So glad you reached out here again, where you can let it out, be supported and just feel less alone.

We're here for you.

You are not alone.

🌻birdy

Thanks Birdy 🌻 I feel safe here. Like it’s the only place I can really be my true self. A sad thought hey. I just don’t think others get me. Or the severity of how crippling a mental illness can be. I suppose people can’t understand something they’ve not experienced or can’t “see”. It’s the comments I find hard also that you have to sometimes listen to and just bite your tongue. And then go home and cry about later.

Oh Emmy, I know parts of your story but reading this makes me want to cry.

I can relate to so much of what you say, even though our stories are different. I wish I had somebody to live for...does Buddy count? I don't know...

I'm so glad that you've decided to come back to BB, please don't think of it as a weakness because it's so not

Sorry to have made you feel sad. We can be here for each other again. What parts do you relate with? And yes buddy counts for sure! I saw your reply on my other thread. I’ll prob just use this one now. The other prob didn’t make sense anyway. It’s hard all the things that come from not taking care of ourselves hey. Then you start feeling anxious about those things too hey. I just can’t catch a break at the moment, it’s one thing after another. And I’ve had enough and I’m tired of it. I want to give up but I know I need to push through for my husband. Is this making sense?

It's just a general sadness over mental illness. It shouldn't happen to good people, but it does. I'm sorry you and me and everyone here on BB had to live through so much.

You needing to push through dor your husband makes perfect sense, just like I have to stay alive for Buddy, even though his life is short.

I wish I had a magic wand to wave over everyone on the forums so that our MI’s could be gone.

I was talking with my sister today about how I’m only here for my husband. And she said “that can’t be true”. And I reminder her again that I really don’t like who I am (I’ve told her numerous time) and probably never will. It seems like it’s a hard concept for people to fathom that don’t experience it themselves. Yeah I have moments of enjoyment or where I try to better myself - but I don’t do it for me.

good afternoon Emmy,

ive found your other thread, sorry it took me so long.

is my other post on your other thread still relevant do you think? its ok if its not :)

hows things going today?

Don’t say sorry... thank you for coming and finding it ❤️

You mentioned to me to fight for me... I don’t think I’m worth it. In so many events in my life I’ve been left to feel that I don’t matter. I suppose after a while you just believe it. But I do have the most loving husband, I wish I could be better for him. He deserves more. He tells me he just wants me (I don’t know why). It breaks my hard cause my mental illness affects him too, for as long as I’m stuck in this dark place so is he.

What things do I like... hhmmm love music. It’s like an escape for me. Use to enjoy going to the movies but I’ve started having panic attacks there lately so that’s out. Drives with my husband and just watching the world go by from my car window. Love family time - have a little family but they’re awesome!! And my puppy dog... enjoy just playing with him. He’s like my little companion. I have some traits of agoraphobia - so find it difficult to leave the house some times. Home (my bedroom) is my safe place.

With the aqua aerobics my ENT specialist told me I could do it and use blue tak to cover up my ears so water doesn’t get in, but I’ve just not been back as I’m worried if the ear infection returns.

Anyway I’m rambling - sorry. How are you doing today hun. How’s your hand?

Hi Emmy

firstly i dont think your rambling, you are expressing your thoughts and feelings and they are valid.

i think your worth fighting for, but it can be hard to beleive that ourselves. im the same way really. but i believe in you and dont intend on giving up on you. xox i can relate to be left to feel like a nothing, i still encounter it rather regularly so im hearing you and feeling for you too. your hubby sounds amazing and i beleive he thinks your worth it too. all you can do i do your best, keep up your supports, learn and practice those new coping skills and keep your hope that things will change and be better for you over time.

your likes are again rather similar to mine. i wonder if you would be interested in taking up an instrument? you could get private or group lessons- which ever your comfortable with and posisbel challange yourself too.

have you thought about making your own movies? i mean they dont have to be focussed on you but you could pick a theme, and get some images of the internet, put some music, add some effects and save them. you dont have to show them if you dont want but it could be a new hobby for you

what about teaching your puppy dog some tricks?

hmm its tricky with ear infections they can be rather painful cant they. maybe yoga or pilates could work for you?

thank you for asking about me but would rather not take over your thread :)

I think the BB forums are full of “worthwhile ramblings”. People come here for support so what they have to say is ALWAYS valid, no matter how muddled etc. It means something to them

“In so many events in my life I’ve been left to feel that I don’t matter. I suppose after a while you just believe it.”....wow Emmy, I think you've written what SO many people here (including me) feel. It smacked me between the eyes, that's for sure.

Emmy,

welcome back to the forum. I had noticed some of your very supportive posts and was wondering why I hadn't see your name before.

I found this thread and was moved by your story.

I have not heard of AvPD.

I am sorry your mother died. Have you ever seen a grief counsellor?This is just a suggestion

and may not suit you. I think in our society we dont acknowledge the importance of grief and often sweep it under the carpet.

Emmy you write so well and communicate your emotions so well. Do you enjoy writing. Do you write in a journal?

Welcome again

Quirky

Emmy,

Partly tagging this thread so that I can follow up later on. Like most/all here was moved by your story...

I would like to encourage you to continue writing on BB, both your own story, and if you feel up to it elsewhere. Writing can be a healing process, at least it is for me. It can be a way of getting those negative thoughts out of your mind. And of course you can have the added benefit of replies from others here. Of course what I write here is not exactly what I write in a journal - some things are reserved for me and my psych. How much we decide to put out there ???

On rambling... Go for it! If I am rambling it generally means there is a lot that I want to get out of my head. Is it the same for you? And maybe when you are rambling you might get so insight into what you are thinking also.

Peace and strength to you.

Smallwolf

Thanks for everyone’s replies.

I reply to each of you individually xx

Hi SN. Thanks for saying my thoughts and feelings are valid. Sometimes you’ve got to just get it out of your head hey.

Sorry that you can relate to feeling like nothing. It’s hard when you lose all self worth and confidence, and that it’s lost by the doing of someone else. If they had the power to take it away how can I ever have the power to get it back. I do hold onto hope but sometimes it just feels all consuming. Like there is no end to this tunnel. This is my lot in life. This is what I deserve.

You asked about learning an instrument ... I’d love to learn to play the piano or the guitar. I did take one lesson for the piano but freaked out at having to try to learn to read music. There’s two lines - one for each hand. That’s tough. Lol. Can you play any instruments?

I think I’ve taught my dog all the tricks I can... hehe. He’s got a funny little personality. Everything’s got to be on his terms. So if he doesn’t want to do something he won’t. He’s the best though! Don’t know what I’d do without him. Hubby works evenings so I’m home alone. He stays by my side and knows when I’m doing it tough some days. Animals are amazing aren’t they. Do you notice that with your horses? That they can sense things??

I’d really like to take up tai chi as another form of exercise... its meant to be very relaxing. And just some good old walks is good. Just have to get motivated sometimes. Catch 22 right. Exercise helps with anxiety and depression yet I don’t want to leave the house!

Feel free to talk on my thread about any of your issues too. You’d never be “taking over” hun. But I understand too. I should check in on your thread to see how you are.

Hope you’ve had a nice weekend. I’ll see you on your thread xx

I think we can see a lot of ourselves in each other’s words hey. How blessed are we to have this space to know that we are not alone on this journey. To support each other. Xx

Hi Quirky. Nice to meet you. I was on the forum a while ago, took a break but have felt that I need to come back here for support. To connect with others who can relate.

A bit about avoidant personality disorder... avpd is characterised by a hypersensitivity to rejection and criticism, feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, intense self loathing and a strong desire for isolation.

I’ve never had any grief counselling since losing my Mum. It’ll be four years next month so too much time has probably passed now. I miss her everyday. We didn’t have the greatest relationship... don’t get my wrong I loved her so dearly and I know she loved me but she had a tendency to put me down a lot - tell me what a bad person I was. I know these were her own demons that she was placing onto me but after a while you do start believing it don’t you. (Plus other traumas in my life that have happened left me feeling like nothing.) I started putting up boudaries around our relationship and I regret that everyday now. Who was I to think I mattered. Now look. I did that and she’s gone.

I love journalling but don’t do it enough. Tell me ... do you have your own thread where I can come and say hi to you. Let me know what it’s called.

Thanks for your message. It means a lot. Emmy

Hi Smallwolf. Thanks for posting a message on my thread. Like I asked quirky above... do you have your own thread where I can stop by and say hello and check in on you.

I really like writing. I can purge. Get so much out onto paper (or internet lol). I like writing poetry but I showed some to my psychiatrist once and he told me to stop. That I wasn’t strong enough to be reliving past hurts. He said we’d eventually work on it. Who knows when. I’ll share one with you if you’d like.

Struggling to exist in a world not made for me,
Everyday my wish is to be set free.
The demons have consumed my soul,
They haunt my thoughts, have full control.

The beauty of life fades away,
Leaving only darkness, night and day.
Darkness finds me in my dreams,
Sleep broken by my frightened screams.

Shapes shift and change to confuse my mind,
I search for safety but cannot find.
I no longer recognise my face,
It's haunted, scared, its lost its grace.

I don't deserve a life of peace,
This is my penance it will not cease.
So I must continue here,
Live out my days with all the fear.

Just a simple poem. My hubby made me change the ending to this ...

I've paid my penance can this now cease,
I do deserve a life of peace.
I'll fight these demons and try to cope,
By holding on to faith and hope.

(I don’t believe in this ending.)

Emmy,

Currently at the shopping centre waiting for my psych appointment...

My thread is "a common story?"

When I came here, I didn't know what to write and read for a bit and could see parts of myself in other stories. Which is probably true for all of us. Yet my story has evolved into (content wise) my unique story, again later like everyone else here.

Your poem... Wow! Incredibly dark. But that summed up me recently - I have just started on anti depressants, and the side effects.

Going to pick on your title now... I like it. Shows courage and determination and strength. I choose to live, despite the thoughts that tell us otherwise. And when (not if) I get through this my story might be able to give others hope. Full of myself there,yeah I know but there is nothing worse at least in my mind of the thoughts of crushing defeat which MIs push us to.

Not quite sure how my reply ended there. Anyway, I am ever hopeful we will (all) make it through, via discussion, exploration and professional help, so that we will come to a place rolling hills covered in grasses and flowers and gentle breezes.

Til next time.

Just quickly popping in to try to keep myself calm before driving...

I LOVE your poem Emmy, both endings :)

The first ending is the present and the brighter one is the future. That's what I'm hoping anyway. Whether I believe it or not...I'm not sure, currently.

How did your appointment go today Smallwolf. They can be exhausting hey.

Thanks for letting me know the name of your tread I’ll go search for it.

How are you finding being on the anti-depressants? I’ve been on them for 5 years now. Lots of changes - onto my third different one now. I was also on an anti-psychotic one for a while too :( So don’t be scared if these ones you’re on don’t suit you or you get told they need to be changed or the dosage needs tweaking. Sometimes it can take a while to find the right one. Keep talking with your GP about how your feeling. Sorry I should be putting all this on your thread hey. Anyway I’ll go find you :)

Thank you for the compliment about the title. Just how it is. I choose to survive this, not for me, but for my husband. Who knows maybe one day it’ll be for me. But I can’t see that ever happening.

Your not full of yourself saying you want your story to give others hope. It’s lovely! It’s says a lot about you.

I like the idea of making it through and coming to rolling hills with flowers and a soft breeze. Sounds idyllic.

Do you have a happy place? Somewhere away from home that you feel safe. For me my happy place is down by the lake near where I live. There’s a beautiful park out on a point, surrounded by water. One side is always calm and peaceful.. the other side choppy, ruff and windy. There’s beautiful old Norfolk pine and moreton bay fig trees that grow along the edge of the lake. Theres a small beach area where you can paddle in the water. It’s magic there! Sometimes I can have the whole place to myself. I find it hard to leave the house (another thing I battle with is agoraphobic tendancies) so its nice to have a happy place which isn’t just home. Because home has become my safe place but also my prison.

Anyway this is going off topic lol so I’ll stop now and search for your thread.

Chat again hopefully. Emmy.

Have you gone for your drive yet Narelle? My psychologist taught me to ground myself in the car, feel your bum on your seat, your hands on the steering wheel. Imagine “confident Narelle” sitting next to you in the passenger seat. Talk to her and let her encourag you.

Thanks for saying you love my poem... simple but how I feel. I wrote it a while ago but it still rings true!

I like to valid people esp those who have gone through life bein constantly invalidated and put down. I find for me it helps to talk it out, sounds similar to you. Love your poems btw, your very talented.
Ever thought on joining a poetry group?

“ if they had the power to take I away how can I ever get the power to get it back” oh Em, because you are you and not what everyone thinks you are or wants you to be. Be who you want to be.


'no one can make you feel inferior without your consent' Eleanor Roosevelt




when learning to play an insturment, you start with learning the notes, nd what they mean and work up to it. Theres no right and wrong way to learn and no set pace either. Piano is hard but worth it once you get the hanf of it. I learnt piano for a bit, learnt the notes and some songs that didnt really require the 2 lines. I didnt get to the 2 lines. Thats advanced, start with beginner stuff <3




oh yes little critters can be quite stubborn someimes cant they....until you bring out the treats lol.
Yes I do believe they have that 6th sense when somethings wrong. My horses are like that however when its fear it also makes them on edge too. Upset though they tend to hang around like a bad smell lol.




You could buy some hom dvds for tai chi then when your up for it join a group. Or get private lessons to start with.


Hows your day been?

Hello Emmy,

Just tagging if that's ok..

Your poem Emmy, is very sad and soul touching. I can feel your hurt and pain through your poem.. I like the ending you done after your husband suggestion.. Please do hold on to faith and hope..

I hope it's okay if I read your thread and I can also try to support you..

Kind thoughts,

Grandy.

Thanks SN for all your suggestions - you’re very clever aren’t you. Really like the idea of a poetry group... just wonder how i’d find one. Can always start with google hehe. With the piano lessons first lesson he was trying to get me to play with too hands lol...maybe I needed a different music school ;)

Totally know what you mean about animals having a sixth sense. I swear my dog can see “spirits” sometimes. Shortly after my Mum passed away he’d be standing in one spot staring at, what seemed like, nothing wagging his tail vigorously. I often wonder if my Mum was around. It still happens occasionally from time to time but not as much as just after she died.

Day has been ok. Did a few chores around the house and had my sister over for dinner. Which was nice. But lots of overthinking things... so exhausted from that - you know how it is. Constant hey! What about you, how’s your day been. I’ll go and check in on your thread. Xx

Hi Grandy. Nice to meet you. Thanks for stopping by my thread :)

You said “just tagging” - sorry I don’t know what that mean? But whatever it is I’m sure I’d be ok with it lol.

I don’t believe the ending I wrote for my husband. I hope one day I can believe it.

You’re most welcome to read my thread, of course. All welcome here. Lol. Do you have a thread of your own that I can go and visit and say hi. Emmy x

HI Emmy (i havent written on my thread yet- im rather slow!)

with the groups, email places like your local community centre as they might have groups there, another way is typing into google 'poetry groups (your area) ' and good old facebook.. you can put up an advert for your local area asking if anyone knows of anything. im sure youll find something.

ah yeh i think you need a new music school. theres no way i could just play with 2 hands! it took me ages to learnt he notes properly and to play a song! i learnt through school from yr 7-9 so had a while to practice.

i was talking to someone else about spirits and our loved ons abit earlier today. i do beleive in them and have often been left clues like feathers, certain smells and sounds. they are around even though we cant see them.

ah yep chores are tiring. i hope you enjoyed dinner with your sis. it sounds good. do you have a good relationship with her?

also- 'tagging' often means they want to be here but unsure what to say at this point in time so its like commenting so they are updated when others post.

Hello Emmy,

Thank you very much, tagging just means moving your thread into my threads so I can find you easily,

I have read through your thread and can relate to a few things your struggling with, the feeling of no self worth, agoraphobia and not worthwhile.. but I'll leave that at that.

Emmy your husband sounds like he loves you very deeply and cares a lot about how you feel about yourself, I think that is really someone who is a very special person..I feel your husband sees you for the beautiful person you are and who I can see from reading your posts.

I also have agoraphobia, I only leave my house on Tuesdays unless it's a really bad emergency.. My bedroom and home is my life..I'm widowed 4 years now ( not a nice husband at all). Narcissistic..and my sons 3 have estranged themself from me for something that I am responsible for over 34 years ago..I feel quite alone, unwanted and unloved. But I am trying hard to help myself with the help of these wonderful people here...enough of me now..

Your opening post is very sad Emmy and it touched you have touched my heart.. Just curious if you have been to the thread,," do you love yourself thoughts your thoughts are welcome..well I think that's the right title..lol I forget things easily..old age I think..it's a good thread with lots of good suggestions and people's insight..just a thought..

I feel that you are being very hard on yourself, your words show a very caring and kind person.. .

I have two threads but my main one is. Alone, depressed and sad..but please don't feel obliged at all...

I sincerely hope that one day you will believe in yourself and the second ending of your poem..

Be gentle with yourself, you are a very important person..

Kind and peaceful thoughts.

Grandy.

Emmy,

Back again. I answered some of your questions on my thread.

In relation to the anti depressants I have been on them for about a week. Then the dreams started. I brought these up with my psych and GP. The dreams have not returned... luckily.

I will be seeing my psych and GP weekly for a while. And will be keeping them informed of all things related to my mental health.

My reasond for continuing and surviving includes tomorrow, family, wife. And many other items.

My happy and safe place is a park bench at Uni. It might sound odd but there are other stone buildings that I can see from that space which provide me with great comfort.

Peace

I just had a look for a group I may be interested in going to and I found a book club at the local library I may consider joining. The problem with me is that I want to join so many different groups (really want to learn how to embroider) but I don’t have the courage or confidence to go. And sometimes I find it hard to leave the house.

How interesting that you were speaking with someone today about spirits and agree with you about our loved ones leaving clues. I have a real connection to kookaburras since my Mum, they seem to always be around at significant events in our family. Next month will be 4 years since she died :(

I have a really good relationship with my sisters. I have two older sisters (I’m the baby lol). And we have gotten a lot closer since losing our Mum. I have a really small family so with my Dad and sisters we’re really close (plus my brother in law, two nephews and hubby of course).

Thanks for letting me know what “tagging” is.

Xx