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Topic: Sad musings

  1. Peppermintbach
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    25 July 2017

    Hi everyone,

    I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

    I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

    Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

    All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

    Pepper

    9 people found this helpful
  2. geoff
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    25 July 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach
    hello Pepper, a very good question and you have listed many different ways to help anybody with depression, whatever type it maybe, but to start on one of these is something your counsellor will have to agree on being the best option, however it may not suit you, in other words, you close up and don't want to participate.
    The obvious change is that you definitely want to feel better, but hesitant on how this could possibly happen, because you have to let a counsellor into how you are thinking, maybe you will or maybe it may take a long time for this to happen, but the end result is that they need to know what you worried about, but then there could times when you don't know why yourself.
    You can't go to a doctor and say that you're got an ache in your leg when in fact the pain goes much deeper than that, it's your mind that you are so worried and it's taken you into depression.
    This change won't be achieved straight away, it takes time, and if one of these options isn't working then you try another, and then another, take any medication that your doctor prescribes to you, because the two of these work together.
    Sometimes these 'in between moments' maybe good or they could take you deeper into depression, but take each one as being a link to getting better, sometimes a link will get broken, but then another will come along and replace it. Geoff.
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  3. Just Sara
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    25 July 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hi Pepper;

    This was an early post for you eh? This is obviously keeping you up at night.

    Change needs transition; point A to point B. You know where you are, but do you know the destination? If you do, the middle bit's a journey.

    If you don't know the goal, then maybe you're looking too far ahead and need smaller steps.

    The depressive stuff I personally understand. There's a sense of apathy; fear of same-same occurring. I feel that stuff now tbh.

    Just to be off topic for a sec, watching the way our world's going, has me thinking it's pointless striving or pushing for change sometimes.

    As you know, I've come back from a retreat to find myself in the midst of old habits/feelings. I too don't have a point B.

    The ideas have come now and then, but apathy strikes and I'm back to square 1. Maybe my goals are too big at a time in life when I should be preparing to slow down. I never envisioned my world would be like this.

    I'm not sure if this is making sense to you. But I'm hoping it may resonate in some way to help. It's probably a bit depressive, but it's my truth atm.

    I'm really sorry I couldn't be of more support.

    Sara ox

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  4. Peppermintbach
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    25 July 2017 in reply to geoff

    Hi everyone,

    Geoff- thank you so much for the thoughtful response and for sharing your insight. I appreciate it immensely. Also 8228 posts? My hat off to you. We are very lucky to have you here. You give so much here- please, please also give some of that to yourself. Self care.

    Okay, so maybe it's not an ache but more like a tumour or other festering wound. You're perceptive to allude to that issue. The problem is I'm not entirely sure exactly where or what is the nature of this metaphorical tumour. The "symptoms" are the sadness and cranky pants-iness. But either way, there is definitely an issue. Thank you warmly again :-)

    Sara- thank you so much for visiting especially when I know you're struggling yourself.

    I love how characteristically level headed you are with your point A-B approach; it's very "you." Yeah, I agree that half the battle is figuring out the elusive goal(s). Sometimes I want change yet I don't even know what the change is but my internal compass (my trusty intuition) points haphazardly till I land on North. I'm waiting my for intuition to figure it out as it normally does...eventually...

    I get this impression that there's this internal conflict going on in you. Torn between dreams and desires and perhaps time and other life constraints that are telling you otherwise. The apathy does come across loud and clear...it sounds like the apathy and your real or perceived constraints are your stumbling blocks as much as they are part of your depression. Or is the depression the stumbling block...you don't have to answer...

    I would love for you to achieve all your goals and dreams...maybe they aren't as lofty as you believe. Sure, the depression and other life constraints are huge hurdles but maybe there's still something that can be done. I mean, you did boxing which you never imagined so maybe you're more capable than you realise...just my 2c...age be damned, look at Helen Mirren and Jane Fonda who are both older than you. Extreme examples, I know, but you get my point...

    I am a little sleep deprived and a little cranky today. Still figuring out this life "thing" out. Maybe if I sketch or listen to music or do some other creative thing, insight will arise as it often does...we will see.

    Kind thoughts to all,

    Pepper

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  5. Just Sara
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    26 July 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    I know you said not to bother replying, but I've an observation.

    You find it more than easy to reflect our words, yet, don't quite know exactly how to achieve this for yourself. Wondering if you're journaling.

    You're fairly right with the apathy thing, but as you say, it runs so much deeper. I've replied to you on my thread. :)

    Even though you say my A->B is 'so me', does it resonate? What I'm finding today, is that my goals aren't just out there in the future; they're also about finding qualities like courage internally to achieve those goals. Do you have what it takes yet?

    Love Sara xo

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  6. Peppermintbach
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    26 July 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Well, I was just concerned that you were over-exerting yourself considering how you weren't feeling that great...I was a little worried...but I'm glad you're here :-) Thanks for the other reply btw- very moving.

    Reflecting others' words is a bit of an innate tendency. Sort of like some people take to, say, soccer or tennis naturally; I take to reflection instinctively. Lol.

    Yes, I completely agree that finding and having confidence in one's ability and personal qualities is important in terms of achieving goals. Do I have what it takes? I think I'm part-way there...I'm not lacking in confidence but I'm not brimming with it either. Kind of at a comfy mid-point spot.

    I journal but not necessarily in written words. Although I have lately started typing short paragraphs on my phone if a stray but important thought pops in my head. Other times, I journal visually in terms of sketches. Sketching helps when I can't find the words. Still figuring it out I guess...

    Thanks, as always, for the insight, wisdom and support.

    Loving thoughts,

    Pepper

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  7. Peppermintbach
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    30 July 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    Right now...I just feel sadness. My main goal in posting this is just to get it out there so I feel less alone in my sadness.

    If anyone else is struggling at the moment...just keep holding on. Hopefully things get better for you at least get some sort of reprieve.

    Kind thoughts,

    Pepper xo

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  8. Peppermintbach
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    30 July 2017
    *or you at least get some sort of reprieve
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  9. Fiasco
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    30 July 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    I'm keeping you company in your sadness at the moment.

    I read your other thread about creativeness ages ago when you first started it but I never posted a response, and I haven't kept up with the conversation.

    I'm also quite creative, so it resonated with me.

    hopefully tomorrow we will be feeling more bright and creative and less sad xx

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  10. Peppermintbach
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    30 July 2017 in reply to Fiasco

    Hi Fiasco,

    Thank you immensely, I appreciate your company. Feelin' your creative vibes and pleased to hear that my other thread spoke to you :-)

    Yes, let's hope for less sadness for both of us too. Keep the creative spark burning...

    Kind thoughts,

    Pepper xo

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  11. Peppermintbach
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    2 August 2017 in reply to Fiasco

    Dear whoever is reading,

    Sad, just sad. What more is there to say sometimes? It has become my new routine to wake up wanting to cry and to go to bed in tears...middle of the day is better but even then, I sometimes feel a bit teary.

    Anyway, I must haul myself of bed now...day must start...

    Take care everyone,

    Pepper xo

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  12. White Rose
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    2 August 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hello Pepper

    You sound very tired and miserable. I note above that you know all about helplines etc. But do you use them and have they been helpful?

    I understand that cranky etc feeling. The desire to move away from this sort of thing and the lack of energy and motivating force makes us feel even more depressed. So what to do about it. I sometimes feel I need someone standing behind me and giving a good push, or perhaps a key to wind me up and get me going. I asked my GP to use her magic wand and she said the batteries were flat. Obviously not using rechargeable batteries.

    I have been unwell for a couple of weeks and have found it a huge effort to even get out of my chair to make a drink. I find depression is like that. We weigh up the steps to achieve something but taking the first step is so hard and often we park it in the too hard basket. The next step is to berate ourselves for not doing something.

    Do you see a therapist of any sort? These people are very good at getting us to articulate our needs, even when we don't know want we want. How do you feel about this? I note your experience in this from your initial post. I'm not sure we need psychologists or psychiatrists all the time. I talk with a counsellor who I find gentle and helpful. A change from my psychiatrist where I feel I always have to perform in some way. This counsellor lets me go down paths of my choosing until I reach a point of deciding this path is or is not helpful.

    As I say, it's a very different approach. You can also avoid the costs of the more formal alternatives. No mental health plan, no limited sessions and very little money. Have a look around. Relationships Australia, Anglicare, Salvation Army all offer counselling. I think being able to sit quietly and ramble on about your life is good. It allows you to come to the place you want to be.

    I hope you find this helpful. In any event I am happy to keep talking to you.

    Mary

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  13. Just Sara
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    3 August 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    My dear sad Pepper;

    Usually we know what brings sadness on or at least work it out soon after. But in your case it's a mystery, or your posts read as though it is.

    I figure you've felt like this for a very long time and mostly cover it with a mask. (or music) I think maybe even wearing it in front of your own mirror. Is your sadness the opposite of happy or something else? Would you call it depression?

    You've given me so much precious love and caring over the past week. I know you'd want me to try anything to cure myself. Why is it so difficult to give this same love to yourself?

    Us Aussies are renowned for our fighting spirit when life strikes us with a big ole cricket bat. We rise to the occasion like Diggers in trenches doing whatever we can to win, or at least get to go home.

    I want you to crawl out of that trench you've dug, and come running to me with tears of happiness and peace. I wish this for you from that place we've developed over time; from my heart of hearts and back again. Just as you want me to be healthy and happy.

    I'm sorry...I don't want to pressure you. I'm feeling helpless and bound by emotions. You mean the world to me; you know this.

    The cat and birds told you I'm going to be fine. Why not ask the Universe to show you the way. Make it specific like a sign on a shop front that sparkles when you walk by, or an article in a magazine telling of new med's that're a miracle. Then put it in your pocket and forget about it ok.

    Speaking of being creative! :D

    Let's turn that frown upside down...

    Sara xoxo

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  14. Moonstruck
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    3 August 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Dear Pepper.....I didn't see this until tonight. I feel for you. I've been sad too lately as you know..and you've been good to me....thank you. I appreciate you and wish i had seen this earlier, and that you got through the day.

    if you're in The Circle tonight anywhere, I'll try and find you and hold your hand. I need mine held too so perhaps we can touch each other with our warmth....I hope so.....luv.....Moon S

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  15. Peppermintbach
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    3 August 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    Thank you so much for the reply. I appreciate the thought and time that went into it especially considering how you're struggling too.

    I have called helplines in the past but I haven't in recent times. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking but I know the option is available if I want it. I'm personally more familiar with psychologists than counsellors; all therapy that I received in the past was with psychologists. I have never had a session with a counsellor before...

    I'm used to much more formal arrangements so informal arrangements is something that I have never tried before...I suppose it wouldn't hurt to do some research to suss out what is available...thanks for the suggestion. I appreciate it.

    Also, I hope you're feeling a little bit better or perhaps you're still feeling unwell (?) I hear you...depression can make motivation a huge struggle.

    Kind thoughts,

    Pepper xo

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  16. Peppermintbach
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    3 August 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Thank you so much for visiting and writing...it means a lot especially as I know you have a lot going on...I hope you look after yourself first and foremost. Also, please don't apologise...you write from the heart...I know your words always come from a place of love and care.

    Yeah, it is more depression than sadness. I just like to "soften" it slightly by calling it sadness instead. It sounds terrible but I'm at a point of acceptance; I don't have much of a will to fight the black dog so I just plod along and accept it by my side.

    When you've lived with it for most of your life, you get used to it or at least to an extent. It's become almost "normal" to me (i.e. to feel this way) even if it is unpleasant. Granted, some days are worse than others but overall it's a familiar sadness. I have to admit that I feel bad saying this to you because I know you have enough on as it is without having to worry about me too on top.

    You're right, creative outlets are as much of an outlet as they are a way for me to shut things and people out. A nice big moat of music, paintbrushes, sketchpads, etc between me and the world. Around people, I have to pretend to be happy but when it's me and the arts, I don't have to be happy. I don't have to be sad either. I can be whatever I want to be and feel what I actually feel.

    I know my worry comes across... I am trying my best to be hopeful for you. You're right, I just want you to be healthy and happy and to live a long life. That is my wish for you. Back at you- you mean the world to me too...

    Keep hope and love alive.

    Pepper xoxo

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  17. Peppermintbach
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    3 August 2017 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Moon,

    Your words mean a lot to me: thank you. I'm glad you feel supported on your thread; thanks for letting me stick around there.

    I visited the circle...my hand is looking for yours. Hugs and comfort...

    Pepper xo

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  18. Just Sara
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    4 August 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Dearest Pepper;

    As always your emotive sentiments are given with loving intent; thankyou. You and I don't mince words when sharing our feelings about one another do we? :-)

    I'm concerned for you and this depressive culture imploding on your world. So I'd like to be my practical self if that's ok.

    The key phrase from your post was "...all my life". It resonated with me because as you know, I've dealt with trauma and its effects all my life too. The difference however (or similarity whichever way you see it) is depression.

    I had to learn to lessen the effects of adrenaline and cortisol due to my overactive stress (fight/flight) response. Obviously it's taken me a long time to do this, with really positive results I must say.

    Educating myself on both chemical and personal psychological info made things click eventually. Not to mention a great psychologist who interacted with me intellectually too; none of the "So, how did that make you feel?" rhetoric. I made this clear my 1st visit.

    Below is a link to Harvard Uni. It's a report written with a lay person audience in mind. Please give it a look-see; I hope it helps.

    https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/what-causes-depression

    It's really comprehensive on the many causes of depression. One interesting acronym, SAD, caught my eye; Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's not to say you have this, but it did give me pause.

    I'm sure you've researched depression, but this is well balanced compared to others I've read. I guess my point here Pepper, is not to give up. Your avoidance, as we've both mentioned, is the opposite of what I've done. I ruminated until it nearly killed me.

    My brain didn't know the difference between then and now. Once I realised this and focused on the present, those horrible memories didn't have power over me anymore. I changed my habitual thinking, responses and motives; my body responded in turn.

    Panic/helplessness/self blame was my response; I was afraid of my own anger. So what's yours? Hopelessness? Heartache? Repressed anger? Excessively high expectations of yourself? Never feeling enough? Fear of failure? These make perfect sense considering your past.

    Opening up and 'talking' with a trained 'listener' will unlock the answers. But do you really want this? Is the open and honest beast ready to be unleashed?

    I love you dearly...

    Sara xoxo

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  19. Peppermintbach
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    4 August 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    I am always very grateful to hear from you. Inknow you care a lot...back at you. No, we certainly don't mince words. Lol.

    Honestly, I've gotten so used to this way of being- the sadness- that in my mind, it doesn't quite register that it is cause for concern or even a major issue. It's a bit like, "oh, I'm feeling sad again...meh...nothing new." When you mentioned concern, I just thought "wait, is it cause for concern?" I can't even tell.

    You have made amazing progress :-) I hope you feel proud of yourself; what you've done is incredible. Talk about inspiring others...Thank you, I'll have a read through the article. It sounds comprehensive.

    I appreciate what you're doing for me and that it must be tiring for you considering everything...thank you. I can see why you would suggest SAD but I don't think I have SAD...I'm sad generally throughout the year (lol)...

    You ruminate. I avoid. You were overactive. I'm probably more underactive; I think it's why I don't like a slower pace of life. Any slower and I'm ready to pass out on the floor and just stare at the ceiling all day.

    My response? I don't know...sadness is the overarching feeling but I'm guessing maybe it's a protective cover for a range of other emotions lurking underneath. I don't even know what they are...my instant response is "more sadness" but I don't even know if that's it.

    There is some hopelessness, fear of failure maybe and heartache...but I can't even really tell because the sad emotion is stronger than anything else....maybe there's anger too but that's probably buried much deeper. Any time I do get angry (which isn't very often) it's like my brain and body goes "wait...this is a lot of effort, gotta conserve energy...let's be sad again" and I end up feeling sad all over again. Even though I'm not sure what I'm conserving energy for.

    Hmmm...um...probably not...I'm relatively comfortable in my bubble of avoidance. I'm not saying it's healthy but because I'm so used to the sadness, I'm used to so it... it's not a shock to my system.

    Anyway, thank you greatly for all the love and support. It means a lot and you mean a lot to me too.

    Love you and sending you hope and well wishes,

    Pepper xoxo



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  20. Just Sara
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    4 August 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    You know what? That's the best post I've read from you to date! I'm so happy.

    Pepper...you go girl! I see someone who knows herself really well and has finally opened up about it. I completely understand now. :-)

    When I began experiencing calm, I went into panic because I didn't know what was 'wrong' with me. Then it was...ah, that feels better. Ha! You know the point I'm making yeah?

    How would you go experimenting with being actively engaged in an emotional tirade? Like you said, it doesn't 'feel' right, but what if your goal was to vent; really vent without control? I can recall you writing in this style only twice before, and I loved the words you used. It made you real without expectations of having to keep it together. Mostly :-)

    I had to explode quite a few times (in private) to know what lay beneath the surface mask I'd created. This included screaming into a pillow and slamming my poor bed with fists of fury; the relief was extraordinary. When anxiety hit, it was more about fear and communicating, a more recent response to recent events; but very enlightening.

    The old stuff though, man, it was full of repressed anger, resentment and having a good ole tantrum. I missed out on expressing those things because I was punished for them. (Re childhood development)

    Since becoming self aware, I now understand that expressing those emotions needs to be rational and mature with a positive outcome in mind. Anger scares people, that's for sure, so they respond either defensively, or go behind my back.

    My mum ranted insensitively at me when I told her I had the c word. (Sorry, still can't say it) I responded calmly with; "If you continue to speak to me that way, I won't visit you at all"

    Not only did that calm her down, it shocked her into being rational. I put all my disappointment and anger into one rational sentence instead of carrying on like an uncontrollable teen. It worked a treat and I'm sure mum had an ah-ha moment as well.

    What I'm saying, is being out of control is learned. In your case, being overly controlled is also learned; maybe even both sides of the same coin when it comes to developing a communication style that works for adults, instead of children in adult bodies.

    What say you?

    I love talking about this stuff with you! We're back to the 'child within' discussion yeah?

    Sara Freud xoxo ;-D

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  21. Peppermintbach
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    4 August 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara Freud,

    Seriously, you couldn't have picked Jung or Bandura...you had to pick the controversial Freud? Lol.

    I hear what you're saying about how feeling calm sent your headspace into a tailspin because it felt so foreign...a shock to the system...

    I understand what you're saying about releasing anger. I'm glad you have found healthier ways to channel anger these days; that's a testimony to your hard work and resilience. I realise it wasn't easy getting to that point...

    My inner child? Who knows where she is right now...she's gone missing again. Actually, that's not true...I just don't like her very much at the moment so have silenced her and locked her away. Honestly, I think my inner child is a bit of an idiot. I don't like her very much. Too clingy. Too needy. Kind of stupid...kind of too this and too that...seriously this feels weird. I feel like a crazy person when I talk like this...

    Pepper xoxo

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  22. quirkywords
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    4 August 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Pepper

    I have just come across this thread and I feel bad that I didn't pick up how sad you were /are feeling.

    You can communicate your sadness and despair which I find very difficult when I feel low. I can not think of the words I want ,

    Does it help you to write down your fears, thoughts and emotions?

    I do not have any wise words and advice but I have been where you are and I know it is confusing.

    sending kind thoughts

    Quirky

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  23. Peppermintbach
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    6 August 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Ah...I hear what you're saying but please don't feel bad. There is no need to apologise; I can't expect you to somehow know what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. I mean, I don't know how you're feeling either if that helps ;-)

    I don't make a habit of writing down sad thoughts but if there is something that is particularly thought provoking then I might make a note.

    Sometimes I think that the wisest thing is empathy and reaching out ;-) That being said, thank you Quirky...

    Pepper xx

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  24. Just Sara
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    7 August 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hey Pepper; (Shout-out to Quirky!)

    I'm sort of wondering how you're going after my visitor from fields of maize dropped by. I read her response holding my breath; and then yours. Group mentality scares me sometimes, reminiscent from days of old.

    My concern is for you, though I must admit, your reply was restrained and to the point. Well done! It does however bring home the issue of friends not being up front and returning the same honesty and openness you both spoke of. I'm disappointed in her.

    If it helps, I gained a very important bit of insight when away a few weeks ago. Although we want desperately for people to fulfil our perceived expectations of them, there'll always be those who we can only deal with in the moment; they're the negligent ones. Continuing to live in hope they'll change is self deprecating. It's a lethal waiting game if we choose to take that road.

    I guess what I'm saying is; "I'm proud of you" As with a scenario I faced at Boot Camp, you stood up for yourself within the boundaries of said environment. I'm proud of myself too for the same thing. I wasn't so restrained though, but life calls for it sometimes. I dropped the 'f' bomb, but felt so amazing afterwards.

    That's where my insight came from. I finally understand what it means to defend myself in the face of negligence and aggression. I'm my best ally, no 2 ways about it.

    It isn't about trusting 'them', it's about trusting ourselves. Knowing when to walk away, and when to stand our ground; I'd forgotten.

    So apart from the obvious, did you get something positive out of it? I hope so. If I'm overstepping my boundaries, please let me know ok? You can sometimes step back from expressing certain things, but that's fine.

    My heart's with you my sweet.

    Sara xoxo

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  25. Just Sara
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    7 August 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Just an addit Pepper;

    I mentioned 2 songs on that thread, but they moved back a page. Sort of compliments 'Sorcerous' and my soft hand on your shoulder.

    Btw...if you want to vent, I'm all eyes! Let it rip!

    Sez xo

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  26. Peppermintbach
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    7 August 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sez,

    Thank you so much for visiting and checking up on me. Being asked if I'm okay- not quite in those words- means a lot to me.

    I guess, as with everything, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. In this instance, she has her own opinion, as do I and others, about a former member. Ultimately, i think her heart was in the right place when she expressed her thoughts. I think her words came from a place of concern as well as maybe being haunted, judging by her comments, by some of her own past. I think, in her own way, she meant well. She's a caring person at heart...

    I am glad you stood up for yourself during boot camp. It's a huge deal that you're finding your voice, "f" bombs and all. Lol. I think you're learning to pick your battles and to trust your inner voice...there's an extremely famous quote that I'm pretty sure has been quoted at least once here, which is "you don't have to attend to every argument you're invited to." I guess that's part of your current progress...go you :-)

    Yes, you are your own best support and so you should trust yourself. Power to you that you're trusting your own judgement and strength. Whoo...

    Thank you immensely for the song gifts. I'll have to take a look. My interpretation of sorceress may not be the intended or conventional one; as odd as it sounds, to me, it's about how creativity is like weaving magic- like sorcery. Especially how the arts can be so seductive and can be a kind of darkness in its own right; beauty and art borne of pain. The opening labout "darkness growing over me silently; it's creeping closer" is something that I relate to a lot..."you are the sorceress" is about being the "creator" in your own creative realm (my interpretation) ;-)

    Thank you, the "hand on my shoulder" means a lot; I know it's a caring, supportive hand. I know you're saying that you're there for me. Thank you...

    I have been a little sad (what's new? Lol). More sad than vent-y...I have a couple of floral bouquets in my room. I like to keep flowers there as it lifts my mood; the worse I feel, the more bouquets (and depending on my financial situation that week lol). I want my room to resemble a florist this week...

    On the plus side, I managed to tick off everything on my painfully boring to-do list yesterday. Proud because I would have much preferred a Doona day lol.

    Loving thoughts,

    Pepper xoxo

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Just Sara
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    8 August 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Dear Pepper;

    It's such a pleasure to read your words. What can I say? You've expressed yourself so well. Taking the 'referred to post' as charitable as you have, tells me what type of person you are; amazingly beautiful. I don't know if I would've responded (within myself) as well, though your quote made a lot of sense.

    Your song description totally blew me away! I have a very similar view of 'alchemy'. I might just put it on your creative thread if that's ok.

    I totally agree with your bouquet of flowers practice. While $ may seem an obstacle, late at night, other people's gardens can be just as plentiful. Ha ha! Flowers are agreeable to all the senses, so it makes sense they're still as popular as ever to adorn our homes.

    A couple of posts ago, I bought up the issue of being at odds with new found positive feelings due to them feeling foreign. You replied about my experience with this, but didn't expand on your own. Your sadness gets to me; I want more for you as friends do.

    I guess depression is a mystery to me. Although I've been there in my travels, it only lasted a few weeks. Never want to go back either btw! No shocker there hey?

    For me, I fell to pieces and couldn't function. The only way out was to get my life in order before doing the deed. So I ignored the depression to complete the task and became totally void of emotion; indifferent. That landed me in hosp.

    So I don't know how you do it. I know you've said it's your 'way of life' and has been for as long as you remember. Honestly, it kills me to know this. So to be precise, have you had times where it hasn't been there and scared you?

    As a friend/peer, I want to not only learn about depression, but help you any way I can. You've such 'presence' and superb qualities hun. I guess it ties in with how you poured your guts out to me after learning of my cancerous predicament. Makes me a bit of a hypocrite really.

    Kudos for task ticking too! What a bloody trooper you are!

    Anyway, I think of you often and wonder how you're doing. I try not to feel sad for you, but at times, like this moment, there's a heaviness in me. I'll be fine no doubt, but I do worry.

    I'll see you on your creative thread next. :-]

    Loving thoughts back atcha;

    Sez xoxo

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  28. Peppermintbach
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    8 August 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sez,

    Thank you again. I know you care deeply about me and my wellbeing (I feel the same way about you). It comes across loud and clear in all your posts especially the most recent one. I am very lucky to be able to call you "friend." Thank you.

    I get short lived moments of respite but the sadness lurks in the background. I think if you have lived with anything for long enough, for better or for worse, you sort of get used to it.

    I find it almost mind boggling when some people comment on how difficult they think depression is when I feel the same way when I read PTSD and other anxiety accounts. I know about some of your experiences and people's spiralling anxiety and I think, "eek...give me depression any day." It might also be because I like to be in control; depression for all its unpleasantness doesn't make me lose "control" if that makes sense.

    One of my greatest sources of relief and even joy would be my various creative outlets. The arts not only gives me an outlet but it's comforting; it's like getting a hug. But at the same time, I also use it as an excuse to keep a certain distance from people; something akin to "I've got my paintbrushes and music- I don't need anyone!"

    When you learn from a young age that people can't be counted on and you can't get your emotional needs met then it's make or break. You find a way to deal or you fall apart...and so I found a way to cope. Some people respond by looking for love from anyone- and I mean anyone. Then you have people like me...the more avoidant types who find other ways to deal.

    The arts is what I turned to...I turned away from people and towards something that I felt I could count on and felt an instant connection to...I always have plenty of people in my life (offline) but I keep a marked distance from most of them.

    I suppose there is a part of myself that likes to think of herself as an unemotional island but who am I kidding? Lol. I am very sensitive and passionate by nature and feel things very deeply. But I have a calm, collected persona- most of the time anyway. I suppose that I channel a lot of those feelings in my creative endeavours. It has to come out somewhere, right? Lol.

    I'm not sure what the answer is for me...if I get moments of respite, it's a "good" day.

    And know this friendship works both ways, I'm here for you too, okay? Sending you a bouquet of fragrant sweet pea flowers to hopefully bring some light and colour into your home :-)

    Loving thoughts and hugs,

    Pepper xoxo

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  29. Peppermintbach
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    8 August 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Oops...forgot to answer your question in my other post...

    have you had times where it hasn't been there and scared you?

    Well, that would be the brief moments of relief. I don't really feel scared but maybe slightly confused and relieved; a little like "oh, maybe Life isn't so bad sometimes."

    Sending you more sweet pea flowers this morning. Just because...why not right? Lol

    Loving thoughts,

    Pepper xo

    1 person found this helpful
  30. quirkywords
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    8 August 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Pepper

    I just wanted to say how much I have found your posts to and from Sara so moving and informative. I sometimes feel like an eavesdropper but in a helpful way if that makes sense.

    I suppose for me depression was always followed by a high, even a destructive one, so I used to endure the depression knowing relief was around the corner. Even though I realised it was not relief at all.

    So I think knowing the sadness is always there would be very difficult so I am amazed that you manage to write so much and help others as well as be creative.

    When I was depressed I could barely lift up a pen or turn a computer on.

    I feel honoured that you are willing to share your thoughts with others and write so compassionately .

    Quirky

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