You know what? That's the best post I've read from you to date! I'm so happy.
Pepper...you go girl! I see someone who knows herself really well and has finally opened up about it. I completely understand now. :-)
When I began experiencing calm, I went into panic because I didn't know what was 'wrong' with me. Then it was...ah, that feels better. Ha! You know the point I'm making yeah?
How would you go experimenting with being actively engaged in an emotional tirade? Like you said, it doesn't 'feel' right, but what if your goal was to vent; really vent without control? I can recall you writing in this style only twice before, and I loved the words you used. It made you real without expectations of having to keep it together. Mostly :-)
I had to explode quite a few times (in private) to know what lay beneath the surface mask I'd created. This included screaming into a pillow and slamming my poor bed with fists of fury; the relief was extraordinary. When anxiety hit, it was more about fear and communicating, a more recent response to recent events; but very enlightening.
The old stuff though, man, it was full of repressed anger, resentment and having a good ole tantrum. I missed out on expressing those things because I was punished for them. (Re childhood development)
Since becoming self aware, I now understand that expressing those emotions needs to be rational and mature with a positive outcome in mind. Anger scares people, that's for sure, so they respond either defensively, or go behind my back.
My mum ranted insensitively at me when I told her I had the c word. (Sorry, still can't say it) I responded calmly with; "If you continue to speak to me that way, I won't visit you at all"
Not only did that calm her down, it shocked her into being rational. I put all my disappointment and anger into one rational sentence instead of carrying on like an uncontrollable teen. It worked a treat and I'm sure mum had an ah-ha moment as well.
What I'm saying, is being out of control is learned. In your case, being overly controlled is also learned; maybe even both sides of the same coin when it comes to developing a communication style that works for adults, instead of children in adult bodies.
What say you?
I love talking about this stuff with you! We're back to the 'child within' discussion yeah?
Sara Freud xoxo ;-D