hi my special lady

do apologise for not being around as much as i want to be. im back on board on my regular threads again, not the newbies yet might look at those again in the new year.

anyway, how are you going? things have been pretty rough for you hey

Thankyou Grandy I've never respected myself before and that's how I feel we're getting on so well. Love the hugs & touch but nah waiting this time.
Not leaving heart open like before that really did drop me. Was completely full happy. No blame to him at all, he's going through deep depths of pain & hard change.

BBl hun going for walk

Hi DB,

Enjoy your walk,

Im walking out my front gate with you if that's ok, maybe not as long as your walk but a walk anyway. You enjoy your walks. Ok giving it a go.

GG.

You little cracker, part of my walk I held your hand so am when you walk too

GOOOD ON youuuuuuuu have a squiz at the flowers they're gorgeous aye

Oooops probs a couple of same post coming haha ahhh ya get that didn't realise I'd sent the other one.

Hi DB,

I did it, I walked out my front door, out my gate, down to the end of my street,trying not to cry and shaking like crazy.... I started to go back home, but last minute, finding some strength I turned the corner then walked around the village, took 15 minutes, I was fighting myself the whole time wanting to go home. It wasn't relaxing, I was so scared even crying with my battle to finish what I started, and the promise I voiced to you a few days back.

DB, that was the first time in over 2 years I took a walk.

Only for you DB, I trust you 100%. and I'm beginning to believe that you and I were suppose to meet/ make contact, "destiny " I think the word is..Thank you for staying with me.

((L&C)) always.

kind thoughts

GG

YOU ARE A..... CHAMPION!!!!!! ....you DID IT....SOOoooooo happy for you :D :D :D ( :D = big smile )
on my walk was thinking to tell you not to put stress on yourself just when you're ready & kaboomb you'd done it.

Wow you pulled up so much courage it comes from out of the blue doesn't it
I hope you feel liberated Grandy , what a warrior

It'll get easier. Hey it's ok let the tears flow, stress out. Did you see anyone out & about

I think things are meant too G this is what I mean about time, things change things happen.
Congratulations lady very happy for you
L&C always too xx

Hi beautiful DB and all your wonderful supporters and readers;

I think it’s great that you have such caring support here :)

I have admittedly only skimmed (rather than carefully read) the posts from the past few days so hopefully I haven’t misread or missed anything important.

I know it was a while ago but I’m very sorry for the loss of your father. You were only 18, I think you said. It must have been (must be) so hard especially as I recall you had a good relationship with him.

I hear you on your deep fear of losing loved ones; I think it’s because you have lost people very close to you before and you never completely forget that feeling of loss in my opinion...comforting soul hugs from me

Your latest down sounds as though it was very exhausting and intense; it seemed to take a lot out of you emotionally. Hopefully shedding tears helped...you seemed to have needed the outlet...

Talk about an unexpected turn of events with that guy contacting you again. I like how you’re taking things slowly and trying to respect yourself and your needs. I’m glad GG has been giving you some gentle advice on this :)

Also, it was beautiful to witness you all encouraging each other to go for walks and venture out of each other’s comfort zones.

GG, well done and congratulations :) I know that couldn’t have been easy for you. That is a truly special achievement. Remarkable. I hope you feel proud of yourself, and even if you don’t feel that way right now, I hope you will...one day...

Soul hugs to all,

Pepper xoxo

Hey Pepstar very good to see you, missed you hoping you're picking up. Think about you & other people I care about here and rl (real life) Both real but you know what I mean aye

You're an amazing person Peps, pleasure knowing you and having you as a friend thankyou for always being there for so many.

How ya travelling

Yeah not gunna hold hope or expectation this time, had to close heart a bit need some protection

Hey Starts never need to apologise when we're sick we've gotta get through it as best as we can aye
Thanks hun for asking, yeah just starting to get some happies happening again slowly.
Keep up to date with your thread xx Hope you're finding some peace from your rot too mentally & P.

Earlyish new yr seeing neuro surgeon in GC be hard one cause lot of ghosts from darlings chemo, know it'll be confronting hoping I can get up with a friend who offered if she can or lifeline MH support worker, great bloke this is serious, not stressing but lot of thoughts. Just have to take it as it comes. If it gets worse could lose muscle use, think meaning paralysis in the areas & have more pain which is ok atm has been for while phew

Suns out beautiful day, cooler here got brothers jacket on, lol for once I packed lighter slightly that is :D & thought summer it'll be hot as, nah nothing like where I live, the odd hotty but bearable & few cooler days yeah noice

Ok my lovelies mwah's

Hi lovely DB and all,

Thank you for the lovely message. I have missed you too so it’s it’s great to catch up :)

I’m still recovering from some Christmas parties so have been staying hydrated. Spent yesterday lying around in bed (and the floor) after too much drinking during the Christmas period. But I do feel a lot better today though.

Yes, it will be confronting to see your neurosurgeon. Reminders of your late darling...

I am worried about your physical health. I really hope that the surgeon can help you and that the pain doesn’t worsen and that you don’t lose any mobility.

I’m glad, despite everything, you’re trying to just take it step by step. As I often say, I admire your resilience and wonderful attitude.

Deep soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo

Thx honey xx

hey DB (and everyone)

im glad there are some good moments happening too. have to balance out the negative stuff hey. im worried about you and for you. i really hope they can help and do something for you in regards tot he neurosurgeon. we will be sitting with you always xoxox

GG- that is really amazing! im really proud of you!

Thanks Starts, yeah it's serious they're not mucking around getting me in. Couldn't put it off, didn't at the time know what was going on.

Will be sitting with you DB along with your cheersquad here ❤

BP Day 50. (7ish wks)

Yes happy beans coming back, started yesterday. Normal happies not mania ones.....I hope..

Caught up on sleep nearly too, was going back to bed but not now, was up 6.30am gorgeous time of life waking up but yeah/nah lol prefer not to be up that early.

Had couple hrs sleep last night late then got up and took a wee while but slept through.

Be able to give up durries in next day or two, one more pkt, can't afford them they've killed financially but need to be in complete right head space to do & have to cause of op soon

Status: Always thought a lot about GC & Uni hosp, knew one day I'd land at either, this is the hardest trigger but has to be done to continue with the process I guess but 7 + mths it was heavily our lives, best part of a yr, in your face but hacked ok, can take that sort of pressure but not well when people are pratts but no one was.
Feeling sads so many memories. So vivid. Back was recovering but still very painful couldn't walk easily from bad out, had to carry around two big bags of clothing, didn't have anywhere to stay, no money but you wouldn't believe how much happened that was external I'm positive helping us, I felt a very strong sense of fil (father in law) helping his son & me & what backs up moreso external help is we had issues, got on but ... so I wouldn't have been thinking about him but it was strong. He helped, NO DOUBT so much went in my favor to be able to get on with looking after him like you wouldn't believe
So many more thoughts with such clarity, tearing but ok, so hoping but if not it'll be ok that one of the two people can go with me there. Want someone to hold my hand & be with me, there's few others too but one of these two otherwise community transport. I'm usually ok to do stuff alone, it's just so serious & the emotions run deep for what went on there. Ooops crying

Anyway if we become stronger from every bad that hits us, we'll leave on top.
Sometimes I don't think I can but that's beasty having it's way. Learning & starting to defeat the beast

Hi DB, well mate what can I say you've explained down to a tee what I have been wondering about my guy.

Although he can't talk about it as that's acknowledging it. The worst part is me realising how directly his mood affects mine and inability to sleep or think peacefully due to his constant changes of "mind", lack of interest and enthusiasm.

I mean for ex he can sent explicit text messages calling me names and then when I say please dont do that, he asks me to delete them like they never existed.

thanks for sharing all of this with me, it's really helped make me stop doubting my belief of what essentially he is projecting.

he is.. At my insistence seeing a councillor which is awesome news, so I don't want to ask again if he's made an appointment with a GP to get a physchological assessment.. Is that the correct term?

I worry he may not confide in the counselor about his behavior... If he doesnt accept he feels or acts certain ways.

He has taken six months and three months of me begging to finally see a counsellor (even though he had in the past) . He has been twice and will go again in NY so I don't want to pressure him about the MH plan, but of course for me it's the deal breaker that if he can't acknowledge and seek treatment I can't be in a relationship with him.

He's a danger to me, himself and to other who are close to him. This much I have witnessed and this hurts and brings me down the most - knowing he cannot see how "treatment" could potentially quell a lot of the negative attributes.

Do you get in rages or really uncertain moods? I read some of your posts and can relate as I alike a close friend of mine have the potential to fall into dark depressive states - hence being v sensitive to my guys MH and reading other people struggles.

It's like we all have this will inside of us and it can be beaten and taken by the way others treat us, by misfortune, by loss of loved ones, trauma, leaving us thinking - why me.

Let's cover it up with AOD, gambling, addiction, crazy work ethics of let's mope around fragmented, feeling lost, being judged as underachievers because its literally a constant battle just having enough will to be positive about living.

I get that. And I really sympathise how bad it must feel to have those really dark low times. You guys must be v strong to rise up. ☺

This post appeared after the one underneath hence late reply!!!! Really helped me today. Thanks

have a wonderful day 🙏

Thx YK & again for asking stuff too

He's a danger, has he been physical in any form? I know mentally which is bloody hard

Yes/No ...Rages kinda. Bad when I was younger. I've got a quick temper if someones aggressive, attitude I know (hate " Attitude" but don't have to take shit, cool down instantly...bit of cold shoulder never hurt tho when ya wanna drive a point home lol sshhhh don't tell :D Shame isn't it that some people make us need to stand up
Getting heaps better not swearing... as much sometimes it's needed. sounds like I have a lot of arguments, have over the yrs but compared to getting on well with people maybe 5% & that's being amongst lot of people from lot of moves in Oz. Bit of a ramble :)

Counsellor. Well done sounds like it'll be the hinge for your relationship, how does he feel about you does he like/love you too.
Yeah no point if he's not honest... what about you going too, it's affecting you both, yous can open up & probs be able to support each other more with understanding. Communications what we don't do well as a majority. In that setting he might be more inclined to open up

I know you're really into him, been a few mths did you say soz could look back, nah lol
What's he like is he good to you, does he care. You'd know.

Whatever the cause of his depression which seems to be the mother imo to most MI/MH it's really harsh, you get swamped in pain & anger, lack of sleep all this you know about. Emotions get fragmented, stress majors mostly when sleep interfered with

Yeah you're copping it, fair call about deal breaker, you're helping him get help. Looking good that he's going to.
Stay strong darl you're doing well by yourself & him

"It's like we all have this will inside of us and it can be beaten and taken by the way others treat us, by misfortune, by loss of loved ones, trauma, leaving us thinking - why me".
Crushes us. It's down to how we react. Our thoughts of how it makes us feel. If we can turn how in the down sense to how can we deal or learn from

The will's still there (strength) gets buried but our minds are powerful it's learning to use it for not against ourselves.

Thanks darl We gain strength by learning how to work through

Been lately doing bits of a post randomly
Bbl missed something in your post
talk about you too if you want YK how you're feeling, I know it's rough but go for it if you want

Hi DB and all posters and readers,

I think it’s great to hear that your mood seems to be lifting. It’s probably very welcome after your recent deep “down.” Also, despite your early start this morning, I’m glad you’re getting a little more sleep. Sleep can make such a difference...

If it’s okay, I’m giving you a gentle hug as you let the tears fall. Sadly, none of us can physically be there when you go to hospital but we will be there with you emotionally and spiritually.

We can hold your hand all the way...you’re not alone. We will help you wipe away your tears too if you get scared. Lean on us...always with you in spirit :)

Much love,

Pepper xoxo

You're incredible Peps what a friend xx

You never have to ask to hug me honey

From deep...thank you

Hi DB and all,

Thank you :)

You’re most welcome...

Also visiting to send you some caring thoughts for New Year’s Day

I realise it’s a little early but I won’t be posting much over the next few days as I have some New Year related celebrations...so I wanted to get the message in now :)

Happy new year with loving and gentle vibes coming your way.

Catch up after New Year’s Day :)

Soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo

Thanks sweety and to you too

been thinking about you as well, really hope you're feeling a bit better than you have been.

Sounds like you've been having some good social time hun hope that's been good for you

Big Care hun xxx

Thanks DB... Encouraging chat

I will be in touch later

🙏🙏🙌🙌

hey my special lady, how are you holding up?

Hey sweets, yeah finding the happies again slowly thanks, really come down here, was on tail end of BP bloody rough still but better than others so that's 2 now. Starting to win hun.

It's so peaceful here, love trees & bush walks, tracks, sooo many. Good hills, walk them at home too these you have to be watching every step & moving whole bod into not slipping & getting up there. Great work outs

Gunna stay with friend this way soon

thx xx

you are always winning DB xox your not defeated yet, tired isnt the same as defeated. you are winning xox

it does sound peaceful there, how nice :)

Rock Star/wolf

Hi told you a hundred times already but think about you so much and miss you something terrible.
I so hope whatever struck you is backing off & you're on the heal. You're so strong & deserve good in life.

Hey I started reading over our posts from 1st again haven't got far but want to continue & finish reading before I read others full threads here, think I read one others so far.

I realised finally I'm not in love with the chooky good friend, could do but yeah happy to know either way.

This isn't meant as sad but I kinda don't know what I"m here for what I'm living for. Pretty wrong feeling that way I do have a lot of like/love but think after losing beautiful partner 3 yrs this mth when someone loved me for me and blokes they use, yeah like me but don't really care. Met one recently was so filled with happy, felt complete but poor guys going through 30 yr grieving, understood/understand that but wrong time for him, he contacted me recently & we spoke easily again for 2 & half hrs ph, gunna see how it goes. For the first time in my life I'm going to respect myself & wait Rock. Not just jump straight in, dunno how we'll go haven't heard since from him, time will tell but it hurt hard so not holding hope, closed heart a bit. Have to I think. That sort of loneliness is horrid aye.

Hey I know/knew that I wasn't what you were meaning for someone to hold your hand but know I still am and never plan to let go. You're such an important part of my life, that'll never change. I don't forget good people like you. Ever.

My sincere wish for you my dear loved friend is good health, please be ok Rock. You are such a survivor. I'm in awe of you.

Much love and best wishes for 2018 RockStar, A star you truly are. You've made such a difference to so many
I"m always by your side ((( best souls hugs )))

So hope we meet again xx

Hello Dear DB,

I hope I'm not intruding.

Awe honey, You are here (living) because you have such a huge heart and a gentle caring soul, that radiates from your words, GOLD.. The research work you are doing on depression is awesome, you have helped so many people to begin to understand it.

I am speaking for me, but I know most will agree....I was completely lost, confused, didn't understand what was happening to me or my mind, your helping me/others to start to understand this debilitating depression. You are so liked /loved by me and many more for helping us to know that the light is there. and with your help so many has found it..I will one day find it as well, I get flickers of it, loose it, then with your words of faith,encouragement and knowledge the flicker comes back. You are here, because you are loved, and you give love, compassion, care and support for a lot of people.

Have patience with your new guy, he rang you a last week, so you are in his thoughts, that's good, you left an impact on him.. Leave your heart half open for receiving and giving friendship, I am so proud of you DB..for your respect to you..love that.

I want to wish you a Happy New Year, filled with peace, love, happiness and good health.. if I may Starwolf I also wish you the same as I did for DB.. huge hugs for you both,

(L&C)..

Grandy..

i think Grand is really on the ball here DB, your really loved and cared for. btw its ok to ask those questions and feel crappy every now and then as long as they dont over rule you. we care a whole heap about you and your welfare. i also just want to remind you that the helplines are always open ok. dont be afraid to use those xoxo

also forgot to add wishing you a safe and happy new year my special lady xoxox

love you & Starwolf Grandy

I feel your wings often around me, thankyou.

Dunno Grandy & Rock, I've never had anything ahead like goals, can never stay at anything, between cycles there's nothing, no desire, not unhappy, ok mostly just living doing enjoy people, happy go lucky get on but there's nothing. Was content had & loved very lucky I know. So much has happened since he died, lot of people contact, new/old. Wild for few mths then poker few mths, needed to with grieving. Physical pain beyond back pain that's tops this hit 15 on 1-10 scale, ya hack stuff you have to but it makes ya feel vulnerable but survival kicks in when you have to, we've got it there
friendship love hurt I've got so much love need it we all do I reckon, it's the ultimate & affection Dunno, not down just dunno
Gunna stay with friend soon this way then back home
I feel here I have a purpose, wanna stick here but come & go with things think BP stuff but trying I know I'm close to getting this shit G something blocks it but I"m stubborn helps aye ROCK
we can get this shit all of us

You help me Grandy too thankyou for saying it really means a lot & what you say to others, I can't word how you make me feel it goes deep in how you talk your compassion comes from a warm loving place. You move me

Love to you & Rock (LOVE your depth both of you)

You're never intruding I always want you near

Peace for you both

Hi DB,

It's hard to set goals DB when beasty has a hold, I don't have any either, I can't see past today atm, let alone setting goals, I just wait for morning then wait for night, getting through each day the best I can. I can't see nothing past the day I'm surviving.

Sounds like your sort of hanging in limbo. Not sad, not happy, just normal, that's the beast DB, try to make you feel down so he can pounce on you. Careful there DB.

You had a special love with your partner, he loved you for you. That's pure love DB, I'm so pleased you felt that, but so sad of your loss.. I never have felt love, only person that said that they love me apart from my sons is you DB, I cried when you told me, was feeling ready to leave, I heard you, I care about you and didnt want to hurt you..

I hate your physical pain hun, so wish I can take it away for you. 15 out of 1-10, that's huge pain, makes for downs very hard to get up. You have purpose here DB, you help so many people, you like people and enjoy their company, on and off the forums, your a blessing to a lot of people...Do you mind if I ask you a question I'm stuck on?..ok I know you would say fire away..DB, what's your opinion . If you forgive some one for hurting you really badly, does that mean if you don't forget the bad and hurt they done to you, then deep down you haven't forgiven them them? If you don't feel to answer that's ok.

I like helping people it helps me..I cry when I answer some posts, if I read,see,hear anything sad, well I cry, I feel their pain and hurt.. that's part of who I am.

Enjoy you time with your friend, put all your energy into focusing on your friend and have a ball together, you deserve it and it will make you feel good. .

Its good to be stubborn, that's a winner in tough talking beasty down, I give up to easily, been in to deep for to long now.. will try and pull some of your stubbornness through the internet. I'm sure the closer you get to destroying the beast, the stronger that brick wall will block you, but we can break it down brick by brick, you can and I know youn will do that one day soon. .

Ive been trying when my mind is capable of doing so, some research on Depression and BP, it helps me to understand it more plus I want to learn about what you feel and go through with BP, I want to be able to be their for you if and when you need someone to talk to in a downer.

please enjoy hun, take a mental holiday and have fun with your friend.

(L&C) always.

Grandy.