Dysthymia destroyed my life.
I recently had an IQ test and all other tests you could come up with, showed no physical or intellectual impairments within me. In fact, my IQ is higher than 100 (just average, I know) despite the 5 hours of sleep before the day.
The psychologist who conducted the test said my intelligence shouldn't have been an issue to finish the university degree (in Mathematics and Economics). I still could not accept the fact that Depression was an hindrance to completion of the degree.
My dysthymia, or prolonged mild depression turned into a serious clinical depression since last year, and I turned 30 this year.
I was first diagnosed with Depression by GP ten or more years ago. Back then I was an international student and the medical fees were ridiculously expensive, though I had an oversees student health cover. I originally came from South Korea and my parents were both physically and verbally abusive and I was never diagnosed or treated before the first visit to this Australian GP. I was also badly abandoned and neglected by my home-stay families in Australia.
She put me on medication and I thought that was the only solution I could have. I didn't have options to seek psychologists or psychiatrists due to limited amount of money sent by my father. I knew either of my insomnia, anxiety, agoraphobia or low level of concentration was not fixed but at least it kept me going without suicidal thoughts. I went to the university without any motivation and let the years flow... my whole ten years or more were just wasted. The GP asked a question like "how are you?" and I came up with "not bad", or "my concentration is still bad"... She was satisfied with my answer and didn't initiate further treatment over ten, goddamn years.
I couldn't go back to Korea to get treated. My parents were frightening and Korea was never a place to people with depression. Just like university studies, I couldn't be committed to any kind of job or work. A few months was the longest I could handle. I don't have any referee or job experience as a result of that.
I got married this year to a man I have always loved since high school. I now could afford new medications and doctors but I think it's too late to start all over... I am tired. If I fail again this time, I don't know what would happen to me. I just want a normal life, having a stable job and talking about it with my friends. Is this too much to ask? I wish, I was never born.