Dysthymia destroyed my life.

I recently had an IQ test and all other tests you could come up with, showed no physical or intellectual impairments within me. In fact, my IQ is higher than 100 (just average, I know) despite the 5 hours of sleep before the day.

The psychologist who conducted the test said my intelligence shouldn't have been an issue to finish the university degree (in Mathematics and Economics). I still could not accept the fact that Depression was an hindrance to completion of the degree.

My dysthymia, or prolonged mild depression turned into a serious clinical depression since last year, and I turned 30 this year.

I was first diagnosed with Depression by GP ten or more years ago. Back then I was an international student and the medical fees were ridiculously expensive, though I had an oversees student health cover. I originally came from South Korea and my parents were both physically and verbally abusive and I was never diagnosed or treated before the first visit to this Australian GP. I was also badly abandoned and neglected by my home-stay families in Australia.

She put me on medication and I thought that was the only solution I could have. I didn't have options to seek psychologists or psychiatrists due to limited amount of money sent by my father. I knew either of my insomnia, anxiety, agoraphobia or low level of concentration was not fixed but at least it kept me going without suicidal thoughts. I went to the university without any motivation and let the years flow... my whole ten years or more were just wasted. The GP asked a question like "how are you?" and I came up with "not bad", or "my concentration is still bad"... She was satisfied with my answer and didn't initiate further treatment over ten, goddamn years.

I couldn't go back to Korea to get treated. My parents were frightening and Korea was never a place to people with depression. Just like university studies, I couldn't be committed to any kind of job or work. A few months was the longest I could handle. I don't have any referee or job experience as a result of that.

I got married this year to a man I have always loved since high school. I now could afford new medications and doctors but I think it's too late to start all over... I am tired. If I fail again this time, I don't know what would happen to me. I just want a normal life, having a stable job and talking about it with my friends. Is this too much to ask? I wish, I was never born.

Hi Stompy,

I think you have battled and been through so much that no one could ever fault you for how you are feeling. One thing I wanted to point out however is that it is never ever too late to seek help. The fact now you can afford to speak to a psychologist or psychiatrist should be even more motivation to go and do it, it took me 10 years of dealing with on going anxiety before I reached out for help but it was the best thing I did at the same time. Going in with the mindset that it doesn't work won't help either, you need to go in with the mindset that you are finally getting the help you so deserve and you can overcome these feelings. Overall I think you have done an incredible job to achieve what you have with your studies so please be proud of it.

Please, post back as much as you like, we are always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

Hi Stompy

I have dysthymia among, depression and bipolar.

One thing you need I think is positive thinking. It is not 10 years wasted. But you might consider a vhange of direction?

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TonyWK

Hi Stompy,

I'm sorry about your negative experiences for the past decade. It can be really hard living with dysthymia as it is such a prolonged condition and never seems to go away. However the good news is that treatment is available, and often a combination of therapy and medication works best.

However, you must know that it is not too late to get help and change your life again to that stable, peaceful life you wish for. The fact that you are still posting on this forum tells me that inside you there is still hope, and that you are a fighter. It may very well be your dysthymia and depression clouding your thoughts and causing you to lose hope, which is ironic. It's important to be kind to yourself. One way to do this is to say "what would I say to a friend in this situation?". Often you'll find you'd be kinder to the hypothetical "friend" than to yourself even the the situation is the same.

I recommend reaching out to friends, engaging in self-care e.g. lots of exercise, relaxation, swimming, eating healthy etc. Spoil yourself and be kind to yourself! All of course, whilst getting professional help. Being kind to yourself is a skill that you can work on, and like anything else, practice makes perfect.

In terms of your education and career, I totally understand how hard it is to work/study whilst having mental illness like depression. I am a student and have faced depression often in my academic life. It really gets in the way, to say the least. But you must remember that, like any other illness, it's not your fault. You are doing your best with this condition. The best way forward is learning how to manage your condition, with the help of a therapist and/or doctor so it will affect you in the least negative way. But other than that, it is out of your control. Having illness is not a choice. The only choice we have is how to deal with it.

Again, you sound like a very brave and tough person, so please, please don't give up. Get help, speak up, and show the world your potential!

Cheers,

Josette xx

Hey Stompy,

Firstly, it's an excellent step openning up in this forum! Having others sympathise and provide perspective is incredibly helpful to bringing you out of this or atleast allowing you to function through it.

Josette's recommendations are fantastic and I'd say the same thing. Find something to invest yourself in physically that'll help get you moving as well as creating a support system. Your partner annd friends are a great place to start but definitely making seeing a psychologist a priority would help you navigate through this.

What helps me the most is trying to be as practical and productive as possible. Making lists of what is tangible, what is in my control and I am able to change/do, and then doing it. There's a great deal of satisfaction in making progress with that list and checking things off as they're completed. It helps when I'm feeling overwhelmed, like I have too much to conquer and don't know where to start. So I'd recommend that with your studies specifically, when you break down each unit/subject into the smaller tasks and assessments, what you need to get done weekly.

More than anything, just keep talking. Keep us up to date on how you're going, any changes and any progress you're making. Let us celebrate with you! The smaller things matter and the biproducts a fantastic bonuses and bigger picture begins to look so much brighter.

Hawraa

Hi Stompy,

Thank you for sharing your experience and challenges with dystonia and barriers to accessing help as an overseas student. This is such a hard predicament for many students on visas who are not entitled medicare and other supports the locals have. It must be terrible coming from a background where abuse and neglect goes unnoticed and help is not an option. Congratulations for your efforts and hard work to maintain your studies and achieve your goals in the midst of your battle with your mental health and adjusting to a new country, customs, language etc. All these factors can contribute to a decline in mental health as well. Good that you seek help and medical intervention. Many of us just stick with the same doctor for whatever reasons when getting an other opinion and visiting other doctors may be very beneficial. Better late than ever though. It's easy to feel that you've wasted ten years but in reality you are here, now, and still proactive about your health and well being, so good on you. Despite the difficulties back in your country and your family situation, how lovely is it that you are now married to someone you have loved for a long time! And finances are better now. You may feel tired and that's legitimate, however, it is never too late to do what you want to do. It may be harder or take longer but it's still possible. As long as we are alive we can learn and change and achieve. The thing is no one really knows what would happen to us tomorrow. Life is not set in stone. And things can always change overnight. Keep in mind also that there's no 'normal' as such. What's normal for one person is not normal for another. You are your own benchmark. But when we are faced with illness and challenges sometimes its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Happiness and stability are not too much to ask no. You deserve them like everybody else. And you will get there. Even if it takes longer than you thought. No one asks to be born but here we are trying to do the best we can with whatever we have in our hands. Reaching out and sharing your story here is a very good thing. Hope you get the support you need. :)