For years now my wife and I have struggled in dealing with a son who is very abusive towards us and his siblings. We’ve had to kick him out a few, we’ve let him come back on the condition that his seeks help and goes see someone. It’s gotten bad again he refuses to seek help. We’ve had to get police involved. His now moved to his grandparents place and my family has all turn on us that we are the one with the problem and bad prarents and all we what is destroy our son and we are the that need to get help not our son and our youngest child should be taken away from us. They don’t know what it’s like to be treated badly 24/7 were we are in a minefield waiting for him to go off. His behaviour has killed any feelings I have, I don’t hate him just no feeling for him. I have no relationship with my mother as she denies that there is a problem with her grandson. He needs help and my parents and my siblings think they perfect parents and will take over on what we have failed to do. My son doesn’t show them his true side, it’s like living with 2 people and we live with the bad person. Thanks for reading

Hello Gene,

I am sorry to hear of your difficult and challenging time with your son.
The reason why we meet with conflict from other people is because we expect something from them such as a certain action and when it is not met, we judge it as not right. This can go both ways because everyone perceives things differently, we have different views and ideas on what has happened or what can or should happen.
You say your son is living with his grandparents now and he shows them a different side, well this could be true because perhaps you parents have found a way to communicate with him that is positive and hence, they are seeing a more relaxed, stress-free grandson.
At the end of the day, you are his parents and you have a responsibility to love him and be there as his parents. It would not hurt to sit with your son, his mother and grandparents and together discuss what has worked well, what has been good and helpful to your son and set down some fair and deliverable expectations on both ends.
You have needs and certain expectations from your son, he also has needs and certain expectations from you as his parents, I am sure that there is an underlying problem that has given rise to his behaviour and this is what needs to be addressed compassionately.
It would be good for you to talk with your parents and siblings also, give your point of view and see what they can support you with and how they can bring you closer with your son.
Talking about the possible reasons and feelings about what is really going on that is causing the behaviour rather than addressing the behaviour is an important first step.
Rather than worry about your parents taking over on what you feel you have failed to do, talk to them about how you can all work together to do better and help your son as well as yourself in this situation.

With your families support after discussing, maybe your son will agree to some type of other support if he needs it.

Hi Gene30,

I'm sorry you're going through difficulties with your son. It is a very tough situation to be in as a parent, because ultimately you want the best for your son, but you also want the best for his siblings, and you cannot and should not endure the abuse.

I think the best way to go is to get help, and that should be the ultimate goal. I know you mentioned that he refuses to seek help. Perhaps he might be okay with family counselling rather than one-on-one for him, which might make him feel less alone and as the one needing help, and more so that he is part of a family system that isn't working right.

I agree with Hayfa that there is an underlying problem that needs to be addressed, which may be giving rise to his behaviour. This is what a therapist will help with. You mentioned that he doesn't portray this behaviour outside of home. Have you asked why that is? Does he face similar problems with his friends? If so, why not? Is there something at home that triggers it?

Either way, it's important to take care of yourself, your wife and his other siblings too. Continue to have those conversations checking in on your wife and other children. If possible, continue checking in on your son to not completely cut off that relationship, giving further chance later down the line of amending it. Talk to him, and don't give up on getting help. Even if he is not ready, you and your wife might benefit from counsellors who help you two deal with your son.

Finally I think it's really important to make it clear to everyone, including your parents (his grandparents) and others getting involved, that this is not about blame. It's not about whose fault it is that your son is acting this way. It's about getting the best help as quickly is possible so that everyone is safe and so that your family system can function smoothly and happily.

Hope this helps. Thanks for sharing.

Josette xx

Hi Gene30,

Wow! What a hard situation and predicament to be in. Must be exhausting mentally and emotionally for you and your wife. What kind of supports do you have? Are there ways you could look after yourself and nurture each other and your relationship?

If you are able to support each other on this crisis perhaps you’ll enhance your community ovation and ways of engaging as a couple and as a family.

Its great that you have opened up in this forum. I’m sure there will be others with similar experiences. Your safety and mental health must come first.

Often Family Counselors can help the individual as well as the couple seal with relationship and parenting issues that impact mental health.

Also wondering what type of supports does your son have currently and if he needs additional help.

X

Hi Hayfa,

Some great advice here! Communication and positive engagement can open up the possibilities of enhancing the relationship. Depending on the age of the son and other factors such as his mental health, peers, personal issues etc this can take place in a variety of ways. It seems like a communication issue that involves everyone affected. If all agree to work together it could turn this challenge into an oppportunity for growth and enhanced closeness within the family. Family counseling and/or Family Mediation services could also help. :)

Hi J.M.,

Some great ideas and strategies for enhancing the family relations. Effective engagement and positive communication is an ongoing process. I agree that counseling can assist in this. X