It feels like it's been ages since the last time I posted anything on the forum.
I still find myself fall into a hole of constant fear, guilt, and anxiety. I've left a shared flat where I had a very hard time with an emotionally abusive friend/housemate. I still find it hard to refer to them as an abusive person. I can't wrap my head around it. I even feel bad when referring to them as emotionally abusive whenever I talk to my doctor or my counselor about them, trying to rationalize what they did because I equally made mistakes back then too. It makes it hard for me to find peace in myself.
I've recently had a really bad anxiety attack that led to days of me being on edge, physically in pain, and under high stress. It was triggered by something that I've watched that really reminded me of that person. I remembered crying to the point that I had a hard time breathing, my whole body numb, and I was unable to sleep because my muscle was all tense.
I genuinely thought I've finally able to move on from that traumatic point of my life yet I still doubt myself. I still feel this way, hurt, and afraid. Most of all, guilty. I feel guilty thinking of all the mistakes I did. Maybe I could've done things better. I don't know. Even when I think about the things they've done to me (gaslighting me, putting me down, twisting my words), I still think back to moments of kindness that they've done to me. I feel conflicted and fear of facing other people too.
I don't know where to find community support for this kind of stuff. I'd like to find healthier ways to cope through, find people to talk to who can relate to my situation. Thank you for reading my post this far. I'd love to hear any suggestions or any replies really. Grateful for any form of support.