I feel like i know everything there is to know about ptsd. This is not a good thing. This isn't pride. I have been going to counsellors for more than 10 years. Good ones. I can meditate and be mindful. The large block of pain will sometimes dissipate or go away as i observe it without trying to change it. The tension that developed in my neck won't. It is chronic now. But i can get relief with time and space. But it is not possible to sit 24 hours meditating on my pain. I do not have the means on any normal week.
Actually it is clear that the crucial element always missing is that i need social support. I have been trying and failing for maybe 5 years. When i attempted to get my best friend to meet up more often so i could connect more deeply she was angry. "i don't have time" or something. She recently has been lonely and apologised for the way she reacted. But i feel we are past that connection i was trying to forge now. I don't really trust her. I have trouble trusting ppl. I lived 10 years with a genuine sociopath while being helpless.
My girlfriend does give me comfort. She is understanding. She also has ptsd. She has an anger problem. She has a time management problem, a drug problem, a resultant money problem and low energy to deal. So her connection is real but her support is very limited. She needs to get help herself but procrastinates on that for obvious reasons. And i am also low on energy when supporting her.
People in everyday life are very cruel. I take as compassionate an approach to ppl as possible. Mental illness will not make me sacrifice my values of kindness and understanding. Such an approach to life doesn't eliminate cruel people. It makes it harder to understand people though. I feel very alone.
Anyway i don't think i'm depressed. I am very sad, literally alone and mainly, very very anxious. After 2 good days of meditating as I am on winter break i felt very positive. Somehow my nightmares became worse though. Last night i could not will myself to sleep. And now i just feel like this uphill battle is never ending. I don't trust anyone to treat me with as much respect and effort as i treat them. I just don't think a person like me can be happy in this world. There isn't enough space to breathe, feel safe and recover. It isn't really fair that i have to keep enduring this pain for others' sake when no one has really helped me. And yes i have been quite open about my mental illness. It hasn't made a difference at all.