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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / I am back

Topic: I am back

  1. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
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    18 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hi. I read your story this evening and you have certainly been through a lot in recent times. I just wanted to say that I hope tomorrow goes OK for you. I also want to say that it seems like you are, in a sense, being assertive in keeping thing light because of how you feel. I notice you mentioned vulnerability. Another word is rawness. You are not ready for that part is that is OK. Your friends perhaps like does not like something to be unresolved. Thinking of you.

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    196 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim

    Yes my friend wanted it forever fixed and I explained I’m suffering from CPTSD and it’s impossible for me to finish a full emotion without hitting the road again and cutting her off. 🤪🤪 She’s sending me a lot of funny jokes and memes and I respond with laughy faces.
    I can sometimes kid myself I’m ok and talk and look ok which is confusing.
    my husband is never confused he sees me walk in with a smile and then slump and be me.
    im so angry at so many people all through my life and I’m still trapped in some family relationships but I’m currently the most free as I have ever been. Soon I will lose my mum and that will allow me to detach and cutoff my lifelong narcissistic abuser. The person that trained me to accept hatred and abuse. I love my mum such as she was but that says more about me than her. I’m just sad it took me this long to find out what I was suffering. Grew up with it and surrounded myself with it and raised it. I had a lot of therapy and got remarried and broke that cycle but my kids did not go unscathed. The narcissists in my family hated each other and that’s a revelation too. I couldn’t see them but they saw each other.
    Anyway I’m not super aware and have built a mansion in denial

    Should change my name to late to the party. 👻

  3. Croix
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    20 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris~

    As you have found out (a very hard way to learn) you not only have to find the ways that make you feel more in control and calm, this is a task I'm still working on, though with a fair degree of success nowadays. Unfortunatly also you have to shun, or teach others how to react in ways that are best for you.

    I'm not found many who have the wisdom, empathy and life experiencing to be comfortable to be with from the start.

    Irrespective of you mixed feelings about your mother I hope the doll turns up. I also hope that your visit to your psych was along the lines you needed. I'm not sure you are in as much denial as you might feel, your observations seem pretty spot-on.

    I'm glad you can say "I'm currently the most free as I have ever been" even though it is only partial ATM

    Croix

  4. Mum Chris
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    196 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi

    Friday was a tough day 3 stressful events I had telephone call with psychologist and I asked questions and didn’t like the answers. I want to stop crying all the time and would like to find out how to stop. She didn’t agree I need to stop and said I should be crying and in time it will stop. 30 minute call with her and I cried the whole time. I have 1 more visit with her and that’s it. Then was the funeral and I streamed it and many things affected me. Lots more tears and regrets. Then my counsellor called and she had done her job and I said don’t call anymore and thanked her for helping me more tears because she really saved me from making dangerous situations. Her role was my safety and that was her focus and her job. Her time will be needed by others especially leading into the silly season and I did need to let go. I will be forever grateful to her the counseling and explaining entitlement coercive control and zero empathy that some individuals have as their core beliefs. She also organised a locksmith and personal alarms and it helped me feel safer. I really choked up when I was saying thank you and good bye. I was all cried out by end of the day and Saturday was a good day surprisingly.
    I had a meltdown and got sooo anxious today and my husband freaked out and begged me to please calm down because he thinks it’s going to kill me. He is scared I’ll have a heart attack or something and he said you are getting so upset like this every week and it’s scaring him. I looked at him and said I get like this nearly every day and sometimes multiple times I just hide it. I shouldn’t have said that but it’s true.

    I’m ok till something comes up like Mums doll getting stolen or a conflict. I feel it taking over my mind and I get jumpy and reactive and I will cry or freak out and run. Panic is a good way to describe it. I’m sure it’s a disaster and it’s the worst thing in the world.

    I think my blood pressure is up and down I go bright red and at other times dizzy and weak.

    Psychologist said it’s very important to eat well and exercise and suggested I do small steps and refocus on my physical health and I’m back eating better and I went to the gym.

    Today is gardening snoozing and deep breathing to try and lower the redness of my face.

    I think my dog needs carers leave he has been my best mate and my safety net. He gets in my face when I’m upset and won’t leave my side. He did something today and my husband saw it and it was amazing.

  5. Croix
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    22 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris~

    I'm a bit concerned, you mention that you get stressed and refer to your blood pressure and skin colour, so I'm wondering if you have had it checked out. Going red, then going dizzy are symptoms that can be indicative of things going wrong that can probably easily be treated. Do you think it is worth getting advice on these?

    An additional advantage is if you are physically checked out you husband may not stress to the same extent when you are crying and upset.

    As for crying, it is inconvenient, embarrassing, messy, exhausting and in my case frightening when I first started to cry as a mature male. Plus it hurt!

    I was suffering with all sorts of mental conditions at the time and it came out of the blue. Looking back it was my way of coping with some of it I guess.

    It did me no real harm, and possibly a lot of good. I still have the habit at times many years on. So if you cry a lot you may simply need to, a better way of reacting and coping than many.

    I can't say I'm surprised some things get to you too easily, after all you are dealing with an awful lot, and a little thing can tip you over into being upset. It's only natural. I'm glad you are back attending to your physical health wiht the gym and eating, it can certainly help.

    I hope you don't mind if I ask a question. You mentioned your counselor and saying she had done her job and you did not need her to call again. By the sound of it she'd been a pretty positive influence on you in the past. Was this a need to try to stand with less support - a totally understandable move?

    Croix

  6. Mum Chris
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    196 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix

    Yes I do need another check up and the red face and feeling off has increased in last couple of weeks. I’m just so reactive and things really set me off. Now I am getting fixated on stuff and I can’t let it go. I need a solution now or I just get more and more upset. I have no patience and I can’t wait without getting stressed out. My husband asked his friend over and didn’t specify a actual time and it was so frustrating. I need certainties and exact plans.
    I think it’s the CPTSD and the damage that has done to my mind and emotions.
    I am trying to not go down the self hatred road but it’s hard when I’m so distressed and obviously on edge. I think I’m ok and get on with my day and a relatively small thing will happen and bam it’s back freak out and a cry. Then insecure thoughts and self hatred tries to get back in my head. It’s so exhausting and I think maybe I’ve always been this way. Last week was personally a very bad week and this week is also a very sad time for me. I’m trying to not think about Christmas too. The counsellor was awesome but it was for managing the danger and keeping me safe. I was so vulnerable and the situation was so extreme and it’s not forever service. She offered to keep it going but I said no. My reason is there’s nothing more she can do for me and it’s time I found long term solutions. She helped me understand narcissistic behaviour and what it does to you and that they can’t feel empathy and they feel entitled. Revelation to me. I mean how can you not have empathy at all. I'm glad it gets better and I am a lot better I’m not thinking about harming myself and I’m trying to do positive things. I’m back at work 😩😩😩 lol I’m sort of able to focus and do 40% of my job now. I’m focusing on spreading kindness and making someone’s day a little better. You never know what others are going through by appearances hey look at me who would know the lifetime of loss grief and abuse I’ve suffered by looking at me. I have a beautiful home in a good suburb a great job a loving husband. But totally broken

    It’s good to know I’m not alone and all this is to be expected I read the replies and really take it in. It’s comforting and each person has a slightly different perspective but very similar reactions. Imagine how bad it was before they recognised ptsd as an illness and I feel so relieved that they now know CPTSD and I can understand me a bit better.

  7. Croix
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    23 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris~

    I only found out I had PTSD, depression and anxiety later on and frankly it was a relief, up until then my actions seemed to simply be my failings, not recognizable symptoms, I guess it might be the same for you.

    I can understand you wanting things now, waiting is one of the hardest things to do. Uncertainty is something else, there is (at least for me there is) a comfort in predictability, and planning.

    I'm glad you are talking in terms of a physical checkup, I was worried about those physical symptoms, again if it was me I'd certainly want them to be treated.

    No, some people have no empathy at all, it is all about them and no others. Unfortunatly lack of empathy does not mean lack of understanding, and many are very good at pushing buttons to get the reactions they want. Then again others are just plain cruel.

    Fortunately they are very much a minority and hopefully al that is now all behind you, even if you still have to cope wiht the aftermath.

    As for hope, as I've probably said endlessly, If I can go from a suicidal wreck to a stable and happy person, able to maintain a relationship, and gain satisfaction from work, then I'd imagine most others can get there too, though it takes a fair while, kind circumstances and competent help.

    Try not to fall into the trap of judging yourself as if you were a well person, rather than someone who has been badly injured, you deserve to have a lot of slack given to you.

    Croix

  8. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    196 posts
    24 November 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi

    Yes I am starting to understand I am broken and injured is a great way to explain it. Not just from recent events but from an accumulation.
    My inability to see through others lies and nonsense a real problem for me.
    I just found out my son is suffering the full extent of his actions and in the worst way. He is isolated from nearly everyone he loved. I hoped he wouldn’t suffer so badly and I still love him. I never want to see him and I’m devastated and his actions and words broke me and smashed my emotions and mind. I need to be away from all of the difficult people but doesn’t stop me from grieving the loss.
    I don’t have hatred because the people that hurt me were all family and I loved them. For my sanity I have to have no contact with them but sometimes I think I wish this or wish that etc.

    I’m starting to understand I’m on a road to recovery that may be looong. I was trying to find a quick fix or a magic wand.

    long day of work today to keep me busy. 2 cries so far today.
    😢

  9. Croix
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    24 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris,

    I'd have to disagree about broken -you would not be here now if that was the case, injured certainly.

    Mind you if you want to use the word broken then think of Kintsugi, the art of using gold seams to repair broken pottery of value. Not only does the repaired object look far more interesting and ascetically pleasing than before, it is also stronger. In fact the the American Psychological Association said that “Post-traumatic growth is like kintsugi for the mind”

    The ability to see though lies and nonsense is rare at the best of times, even having been a policeman I can be fooled, please do not expect to much of yourself, instead look to others to prove long term they are genuine.

    Not hating is a mark of your greatness of heart, and I wish I could attain that standard. While recovery can be a long journey it does not mean all that time is unpleasant or bad. Far from it, happiness is there at the most surprising times.

    OK, 2 cries, please accept 3 virtual tissues (one spare just in case:)

    Croix

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  10. Mum Chris
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    196 posts
    25 November 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi

    i wrote a post and last night and lost it somehow. Lol

    Croix yes injured does represent me better now but there was a time I was in pieces. I’m aware of Japanese sewing art of visible stitches and they bring material together with strong visible top stitches. I have a friend obsessed with it and I donated antique table cloths and lace and it was stitched together with denim and wool to make one of a kind creations. The golden thread sounds encouraging

    Thank you for your inspirational posts and also Wolf and mmmekitty and many others. I hear and feel the emotions and the links that also bind us in our journey.
    Off to gym for upper body workout and a bottle of water and protein shake and work.
    It’s gloomy and raining and work is in crisis and I’m trying to just think small. One task at a time.
    I had terrible news but also had some good news yesterday. I’m resisting my urge to help or protect others.
    Croix thank you for the 3 tissues and I got to 3 cries so well used.
    My dog has figured out I’m stopping crying and he can back off when I blow my nose. Lol. Funny dog they can be so funny. He won’t go back to his bed till my nose is well blown and all tears wiped away. I say I’m ok go away lie down nope he won’t move from me he motions to the tissues and makes blowing nose noises. Hilarious my hubby saw it and he laughed and said that dogs a weirdo. ☺️☺️☺️😊

    I love my weirdo dog.

  11. mmMekitty
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    25 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hello, from the back seat,

    Croix, I like that idea of Kintsugi. I have never heard of that before.

    Mum Chris, I think I love your weird dog, too! He seems very devoted to you, & sensitive to your moods. I hope , when you have finished blubbing for a while, you are giving him plenty of cuddles, play, & that you take him for walks, as well. That'd be good for both of you.

    You two are having such good conversation, I didn't want to interrupt, but I do want you to know I am still here, & also have restocked my storeroom with fresh virtual handkerchiefs (what an odd word?( & a brand new virtural solar powered washer/dryer, custom-made for cleaning them all, leaving them with a gentle feel & non-allergenic sun-kissed frangipani scent. Only the best, eh?

    Shall I find you in the BB Cafe, later? Dogs welcome - well, of-course, every being of any size & shape is welcome, even a walrus.

    I'll have my cuppa, & might even eat something healthy. Too much cheese lately, then I have to go to my own thread awhile.

    mmMekitty

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  12. Mum Chris
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    25 November 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi mmMekitty

    No back seat I have room up front watch out for the dog he gets scared of everything.
    Cheese makes everything better

    Today was a good day no cries so far. Typical surrounded by handkerchiefs and I’m good ☺️

    I’m exhausted from the gym dragged myself home 1/2 hour early.

    sending calm exhausted vibes I have spare good vibes.

  13. mmMekitty
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    25 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Thanks, Mum Chris, I can sure use some good vibes, jazzy kind preferred. 😸.

    & if you have too many virtual handkerchiefs, you are welcome to stitch them, Kintsugi style, into a multicoloured table cloth, bed set, or a gorgeous skirt, or whatever! It's all virtual, so you can make anything, use the time, sitting, stitching, being in the moment of making....like a meditation? I f you want.

    & if on another day, you find yourself in need of virtual handkerchiefs, you can easily unstitch a few from something near by, & there will always be something near by - 'cause that's how many beautiful handkerchiefs I have given you.

    😺

    mmMekitty

  14. mmMekitty
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    25 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Thanks, I could sure use some of those good , jazzy preferred 😸

    When you have too many handkerchief , you can always stitch them, Kintsugi style, into various items for the home, or to wear, like a table cloth, a bed set, lampshades, skirts & Kaftans, whatever, so that on any other day you need more virtual handkerchiefs, you can unstitch something you will find close to hand. Of-course, you might make such beautiful things, you won't want to unstitch any No worries - they breed! (Not as prolifically as Tribbles...but fairly often non the less.

    😺 In my experience, Dog & I will get along fine, & if Dog does not, Cat has these pretty claws.

    Or should I just ride on the back of your Walrus?

    mmMekitty

  15. Croix
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    26 November 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Dear mmMeKitty~

    Can I ask waht sort of jazz you like, it covers a large field. Incidentally I enjoyed the background selections from the 3 ABC series of Miss Fishers Murder Mysteries, set in the 20's and a very wide selection.

    Actually they are all available for free in iView

    https://iview.abc.net.au/show/miss-fisher-s-murder-mysteries/series/1

    On a more serious note (yes, ok, a pun) I'd think you vision impairment would be a good reason to record rather than take notes, recording is tedious to replay, however at least you don't miss potentially important matters during the consultation. Do you think it is worth a go?

    Croix

  16. Croix
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    26 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris~

    Please excuse me breaking in to talk to mmMeKitty, I thought you might be interested in the series too.

    Incidentally if you do a Google search for

    Kintsugi exhibition

    and hit the Images tab you will see the beauty and strenght of Kintsugi. It actually is a physical expression of a philosophy that everything has a journey, from new and pristine and without life experience, which may not last, though a series of evolutions into it's final repaired/experienced mature state.

    I'm glad 3 was enough, do you need another spare?

    Croix

  17. Croix
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    26 November 2021 in reply to Croix
    P.S. I do know jazzy does not always mean jazz, but it seemed too good a segue to pass up 🎺🎻🎷 🥁
    C
  18. mmMekitty
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    26 November 2021 in reply to Croix

    Thanks Croix.

    I do have to get over my recording hump. I get anxiety when recording myself, even when I get an answering machine, (all too common), & so it is very difficult.

    I onece made a recording, trying to get myself used to using a microphone, & I could still read large text on my big tv screen/monitor fairly well. I chose a little writing of my own. I began, very shaky, & I listened back, & at about half way through my voice had dropped down to a whisper, then stopped completely. I had stopped reading aloud, but I am sure I still heard my words, & didn't even notice. Othere times, my awareness of the microphone was enough to make me not begin.

    I'm sure, because my i(diot)Phone has a microphone, & I do use that, quite easily, unless it is an answering machine, or one of those voice activated prompt systems. & my fairly new tv that speaks some things on the screen also has a microphone in the remote, & I can speak commands like 'channel 21', & I usually only have to compete with whatever the tele is saying while I am wanting to speak. But I am getting used to it. Takes a long time...

    Jazz, lots really, but my mood & what I'm doing at the time plays a part in what I want to hear. Because of my hearing impairment, I don't enjoy big band, (or big orchestral classic) as much as I once did. I do like hearing when classical & Jazz combine. I like vibes,piano, bass, guitar,, sax 'conversation' between instrments, improvisation, too. In quiet moods I do enjoy the mellower & spare music, the sounds like it is in the air over a city, sound.

    But, if I am feeling I need to get moving, nothing like the Buena Vista Social Club. (I know it's big band stuff, but the rhythms really do get the body moving.)

    Other exceptional pieces are Rhapsody in Blue, & Pictures at an Exhibition. They grab onty my imagination.

    What about you, Mum Chris? What are things you listen to?

    That Kintsugi really does sound fascinating.

    I was thinking how old fashioned hand sewing could be a really meditative activity. Just you, a comfy chair, reasonable lighting, & gentle sounds in the background

    MmMekitty

  19. Mum Chris
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    196 posts
    27 November 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Good morning

    I have been tears free for a day or 2 I think we’ll at least a day. I had some good news and it made me feel happy and I have something to look forward to.
    Music my tastes are on the electronic side and even a bit psychedelic but I find it hard to listen to music it gets messed up in my head and I can’t relax but if it’s playing softly as a background music I’m ok. I’m also listening to some 70’s music but I’m very fussy not into a majority of it. Bit of Peter Frampton David Bowie Queen and Brian Ferry

    I hate hearing my voice back it sounds so high pitched and weak. Maybe most people hate their own voice. That’s what I tell myself 🤣

    Meeting up day today and I’m ready and dressed an hour early and doing my I hate waiting. I’m a lot better than I was 2 weeks ago since the last meetup and I think it’s just going to be the 2 of us again but I hope more turn up even 1 extra would be encouraging. People say yes great organise but they don’t turn up.
    I have resisted contacting the friend that was not really treating me as a good friend just an acquaintance and I have resisted acting on my compulsions to help people that don’t deserve my help. I was told a long time ago and I think it’s a proverb don’t throw your pearls before swine they’ll trample them. It never really sunk in with me I obviously was a bad listener.
    Got super angry last night when hubby made a wide reaching statement about a social issue and I was disgusted by his inability to accept what is to me so clear. I’m really not prepared to take crap or listen to crap. Another proverb you can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink. I think I’m reactive and the underlying anger is not far from the surface. In my professional life I have to stay calm and informed and supportive and provide direction. At home look out and that’s not fair to hubby but he’s soooo stubborn but says sorry so quickly and I’m left alone to cool off.
    Im feeling a lot of anguish about my son and I’m probably going to need a few more tissues Croix and mmMekitty some kind wise words. I heard he’s not doing well and it breaks my heart. In my mind he’s moved on with his family and hating me but he’s totally isolated and suffering. If people knew I wanted to help him they’d lock me up and think I’d gone bonkers.

  20. mmMekitty
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    27 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hello Mum Chris, (you didn't say, would you rather be 'Chris'?)

    I dn't know about wise words, but one thing seems clear, if someone is not ready, & their minds are not open to help from anyone, you cannot make that horse drink! That's where that analogy belongs.

    & another thing, a really frustrating thing, is when you are so absolutely convinced of your own position, that when someone voices another you simply are unable to accept another person does indeed have a right to hold those opinions. Wish they didn't, & you can't stop them either.

    If you can both be open to discussion, agreeing to disagree, you might come to understand why they have their opinion & they might come to understand yours, & hopefully, you'll both feel you were heard.

    Don't ask me how to achieve this ideal sort of communication - I'm not there yet! That's something my PDr & I are working towards, little by little.

    For the most part, when someone makes some sweeping statement, usually it seems without thinking first, I firstly, feel I don't know where to start - because I want to refute what they've said, after all ,it's the offensive comments that we notice. But I usually must let it go. I don't know anything I can say to persuade people from those 'outrageous' views.

    & they may think what we think is equally outrageous, right? Don't they have a right to that opinion?

    However, I also think, certain comments must be responded to. I can also agree with this statement, that offensive & derogatory, racist, sexist, etc statements must be challenged. If we don't feel we can voice our own objections, & let them go unchallenged, they will go on making such statements, conveniently assuming they are okay.

    My problem, when I would like to challenge what someone has said, is that I am easily intmidated, I also feel if I cannot give a well-thought out & knowledgable response, they will have good enough reason to reject my argument then & there, making me look 'stupid'. No, I'm not, just lack self confidence & esteem.

    *

    The voice you hear from a recording is missing the sound you perceive because of the way the bones of the skull add some tonal qualities that the recording device can't pick up. Something like that, I think, from something I heard long ago, echoing around my head... worth researching?

    *

    But shopping to do now.

    mmMekitty

  21. Mum Chris
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    28 November 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi

    Interesting information about skull and resonance.

    Yes I can be open to other opinions from others and listen to opposing views but some things are off limits.
    while I’ve been checked out in my relationship trying to deal with an untenable situation I let things slide. Didn’t need more stress or strife now I’m free to make a stand and say my peace He is closed to opposing views right now and also irritable.
    im in my head a bit more after getting some news about my son. I’m unable to help him and really shouldn’t even if I could but it doesn’t stop me from fantasising on the what if’s. There’s some things you can’t undo. I’m also unable to comprehend what is the true person and how could they love and act in certain ways. I suppose I want to wish it all away. Is this part of my illness inability to see things as they are. My son accused me of living in a fantasy world and a whole heap of other derogatory things but that hit home when he said that. He was trying to get his own way at the time about something else but I thought yes I do and thought he’s never going to stop using me and walking all over me. Now my fantasy is he’s changed and got better and I might be able to be a family again. Psychologist said I don’t need to understand him or his illness all I need to know is he only cares about his feelings and his feelings of entitlement and it won’t change. Big sigh

    I’m going to talk to psychologist about these feelings and emotions and how I still feel protective of him. I read that’s what creates a narcissist one abusive parent and one overly protective parent. Too late now I already loved that boy to where he is now. I’m still blaming myself for everything and the blame hasn’t gone I’ve just pushed it below the surface. I gave my children the protection I never had and how did I know what is the appropriate amount. In my logic I see I did my best but as he said to me it wasn’t good enough and I should never have had children.
    I sat with mum and held her hand while she watched a cartoon movie I think she recognised me. The carers said she was having a good day. It was a good visit. The bad sister messaged me said she had a picture of mum when she was young and she wanted to send to me. I wonder what she wants now. Usually she wants something but probably the photo will never arrive and she will say she sent it. There’s always an angle.
    My sleep is worse but water consumption and exercise is better and diet is better.

  22. mmMekitty
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    mmMekitty avatar
    1751 posts
    28 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Unreasonable is unreasonable, yeah. big sigh indeed.

    IIt seems to me, you did your best, giving your child what you thought would be good for him, because lacking protection in your own childhood, you know how bad that is. It's understandable to want to parent differently, & do things which weren't done for you. I'm sure I would have done that, too, or I might have also slipped into behaving pretty much as my parents had towards me. I may well have swung fromfrom one extreme to the other, which would have been disastrous for any child of mine.

    Good night, Mum Chris, & I'm just dimming the light, okay? If you need anything, I'm in the next room.

    Think warm,fuzzy puff balls bouncing on my sleepy me. 💤

    mmMekitty

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    196 posts
    29 November 2021

    Good morning

    Another week of work looming. I’m limping really bad and pain is at an 8 I don’t take painkillers. It’s not new but it’s spread and I do need to get to dr.
    I go over what’s caused flare up will I need more steroids and is it getting worse and I don’t want to take anything for it they make me speedy and I don’t sleep worse. I’m not sleeping well now and my stomach is a mess. Frustrating

    See psychologist this Friday and not looking forward to it she’s really not that helpful. I’m going but I need to find someone that’s a little more invested in helping me with solutions. It’s through my work and she seems checked out. It’s 3 sessions only and if I want to continue I have to pay. If I’m paying I want someone that deals with trauma and can help me understand but also heal my brain from the injury trauma causes. I’m tired thinking about it.
    ive got a feeling like being on a seesaw and I suppose it’s anxiety tried a meditation tape and that helped a bit. I have a feeling of dread like something unexpected is going to happen.
    Hope everyone has a good day

  24. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    196 posts
    29 November 2021

    Hi

    psychologist was today I nearly missed it. I like her now and she gave me some real direction and I can see her 1 more time. We discussed treatment options she like tapping and emdr and will help me find one near me. She suggested spacing appointments out by 6 weeks so I get a chance to rest between. She also told me to not interfere or try and help my sons situation. My empathy and love will not help anything and I agree. My sons solicitor told me he’s suffering and it really upset me. They are not supposed to do that and psych said it’s to manipulate me and soften me so he can get a lighter sentence. I’m still in shock and not able to help me and I’m suffering really badly I mean what a crap thing to do to me. Both of them his solicitor and him. I loved him and tried to help him and he took advantage of me and set out to hurt me because he couldn’t get his way. That’s the simple reason but it was so confused and insane. Threats of self harm from him and I’d give him anything. I was at his mercy and was running from work to home to make sure he had everything and didn’t get upset. What a waste of time. I forced my husband to shut up and put up with it and all the insanity and he was going downhill living in the nightmare. Drinking and detaching from me and our home.
    I need to remember what actually happened and how terribly unhappy I was and how I felt powerless.
    I saw a YouTube thing on magical thinking and people with CPTSD and I think I do that. I live in fantasy and don’t acknowledge reality. I pretend everything is ok and I equate my thoughts and feelings as others thoughts and feelings. If someone is treating me with disrespect and putting me down and it’s someone I love then I only see love and think they didn’t mean it and they appreciate my patience and love. Magical thinking.
    I have a bit of work to do and I have healing to do.
    I’m finding it easier to talk out and get my feelings across to my husband and I don’t have to write it down now He’s easy to do that he’s stubborn as hell but will just let most things go and nod and agree with me. He can’t watch the news these days without having a rant so I band the news. One of his most annoying traits. He can sleep as soon as his head hits the pillow and that’s annoying too.
    I’m in pain and autoimmune is flared up I’m not happy about it and have enjoyed not being on heaps of drugs. Not much sleep due to pain. I took a mild pill tonight to see if low dose can reduce the pain so I can sleep.

  25. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10561 posts
    30 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris~

    It is very hard. People judge others by themselves, if one is kind person one expects kindness , if one is dishonest one expect others will be dishonest too.

    You are a loving person and find it so hard to realise your son and his solicitor are not like you. Rather they are like water, always finding the weakest cracks to seep though, where it is self-interest rahter that water.

    Sometimes this is almost impossible to accept, other times it rebounds as self-blame, then again it can be ignoring the obvious and clinging to the impossible.

    So you may have fantasies all will be well. I had them too over my parents, sadly it never happened. I have them over other situations, such as my spine will magic itself better - not possible.

    All of the above is part of being a human being, and you are gradually reaching a state where distress will be OK (can't speak for your physical conditions of course as I know little about them)

    I'm glad your psych is clicking with you , and also there is the prospect of a couple of new therapies on the horizon.

    When you consider all you have faced and are facing, first you have a pretty clear idea of circumstances and what needs doing , and secondly you have a lot in you to be admired -plus you help others where you can (with success)

    Croix

  26. mmMekitty
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    mmMekitty avatar
    1751 posts
    30 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hi Mum Chris, (with a nod to Croix),

    Sorry I am so late, & I'm not sure what to say. My first was to wonder what that solicitor was thinking? It doesn't sound Professionally Unethical to be speaking to you as if on behalf of your son, but not strictly about legal matters. Your son is an adult now,& therefore, if he is in any distress, he needs to take responsibility for that, & not try on the emotional blackmail you describe, nor should he send his solicitor to do that for him. Outrageous

    But you don't need that from me.

    I'm glad you went to see your Psychologist today, & that it went well for you. You have a plan, things to try,& you communicated well. I was concerned from the previous post because you said you were seeing the Psychologist Friday, & not looking forward to it, & you said she was not helpful. .

    I'm a little confused. Did you get the days wrong, or is the Psychologist you saw today a different person to the one you said you were seeing Friday?

    I'm getting tired again. Soon I'll be having 3 snoozes per day, on top of whatever sleep I get overnight. I don't know if if this frequent tiredness is due to my condition or stress, which IS due to my condition. Whichever, I'm having more & more difficulty concentrating on what I'm doing. It is taking a long time to think & write, or anything & everything.

    Your #1 priority is yourself, Mum Chris. It's nice to consider hubby, & just my opinion, but is an off-hand nod & casual agreement with you, when you want to have a discussion enough? That doesn't sound like a 'discussion' to me.

    Care & kindness, from you to you, 😸

    & I hope you get some good sleep.

    mmMekitty

  27. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    196 posts
    1 December 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi mmMekitty

    I got days wrong for the psychologist. I knew it was 29th but thought it was Friday but Friday there’s a big deal happening that stresses me out. So why I thought Friday I have no idea except I’m tired from lack of sleep and I have vitamin deficiency. My usual detailed memory is a bit awash with confusion. I probably don’t like seeing the psychologist and any psychologist for some reason. First time I saw her I was a mess after and then it was just on the phone for 30mins and I cried most of the time and Monday I had some real questions and she was very direct and answered. Also I was distressed by the solicitor. I don’t think my son asked her to try and get me to vary the order I have to communicate through solicitor and I had to ask a question and I think she just thought she’d have a go. Also I’m super sensitive and I overreact

    overreacting and getting disorientated and freaking out is my illness and it doesn’t take much. I’m always bubbling under the surface and I can take one comment and run with it till I’m crying and jumping at every noise.

    Im glad you can nap sleep heals. Feeling fatigued is another thing and hard to cope with and maybe your gp can check for deficiencies or inflammation.
    im getting B12 next week and I’m on a heap of daily vitamins that I don’t seem to be absorbing.
    im working really hard so much to do and I’m responsible for a lot and have to make decisions. I caught myself today actually working near to my previous ability. I’m still easily distracted

    Hubby is not perfect he’s struggling too and I’m intense. I want him to agree with me and that’s all I can cope with so he nods and retreats. He’s stubborn too and he really feels the strain of the loss of half our family and he’s scared I’m not going to survive. He occasionally checks out and is difficult and grumpy too. He lets me be me and never imposes his will on me. I can’t say the same. I am trying to be kind to him and not complain all the time. He’s totally taken over the cooking and dishes and shopping. So there is a lot of work needed on our communication but I’m not strong enough to work on that yet.
    im still in the twilight zone and the black and white tv version.
    im finding funny shows are helping distract me from my thoughts.

  28. mmMekitty
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    mmMekitty avatar
    1751 posts
    2 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hi Mum Chris,

    I forget stuff like that so much I must keep a calendar with all appointments, even when I have to go get things from the Chemistmist,& when & what times I'm my helper is coming, if it changes from the usual. & another document for shopping, another for other things I need to do, too. & then I have to remember to look & see what's coming up.

    Sometimes I think when I wake up or during the day, that the present day is actually another day. Like today, wihch is Wednesday, I may have thought was Tuesday, or Thursday, & take some minutes to work it out, usually by recalling what shows I watched on tele the night before. tomorro I migiht be remembering what shows I mostly missed while resting/snoozing, instead! Fortunately, when I remember, my phone will tell me what day it is. Also, fortunately, this does not happen often.

    My PDr reckons it is definitely anxiety related, sometimes panic will do it too, in certain situations, which I've mentioned to him. It feels so strange to feel so convinced, but when I realise there is a problem, & think it through, it feels rather embarrassing, especially if I was insisting to someone about the day.

    *

    I don't understand why you seem to be blaming yourself, when it was the solicitor who began behaving in unprofessionally. You had a question, which she may have had an answer she could politely give, or politely tell you she could not answer the question, either straight away or later, she could still be polite, & behave professionally. In any conversations with her , you have a right to be treated with professional courtesy, & respect. If your son can't be civil, she ought to communicate any necessary relevant legal information or questions to you, politely. The fact she didn't is on her, not you.

    *

    I wonder if you & hubby have ever thought to go to counselling together?

    What would your feelings be on that?

    Virtual hugs & a hot chocolate, ☕

    mmMekitty

  29. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    196 posts
    2 December 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi

    Being dissorientated is something i can relate to and fogetting the day. Its a little bit scary sometimes. i have an awesome memory and can remember fine details but there's some things now that are not very clear. I also have dreams and I think its real and I have to ask my husband did we do such and such and we hadn't. The gap between real and dream has blurred.

    I am not having a good day, I cried all the way to work and I look like I slept rough. I did sleep last night so not sure whats going on. My head is crowded with childhood pain and current pain. I grabbed a safe person and spilled my guts and they said do I know why and i said NO! They said do you feal relief after crying and I said NO! Then someone talked over the top of me like I wasn't there and ghosted me twice! BUT I also had people come to me today and tell me how great I was and how they relied on me so much and said thank you to me and guess which one impacts me the most. i am actually in my office crying and have a lump in my throat and sweating. I feel like I am having a breakdown whatever that is!! My jaw hurts and I am sick of me.

    When will this stop and why does it have to be this way. I am under so much stress that I can't breathe.

    I am trying to take deep breaths and I wll go get some water. If anyone asks why my face is red I will say hayfever. I am trying to not be CPTSD dissregulated and emotional and am telling myself its my illness and I am triggered.

  30. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6142 posts
    2 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris
    Hi Mum Chris,

    We're so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Please know that you can reach out to our lovely counsellors on 1300 22 4636, they're really good at talking people through moments like this.

    It sounds like you've taken some really important steps, finding someone safe to talk to, finding a safe space to take deep breaths and drink water. Sharing here is a great step also, so thank you for your bravery and openness.

    We're sure you'll hear from the community once they spot this, but in the meantime we wanted to let you know there are some really good grounding techniques here on the Blue Knot Foundation's website, in case you'd like to try them or be reminded of some ideas.

    We hope that helps, Mum Chris. Feel free to check back in if you feel comfortable to. We're here for you. 

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M
    1 person found this helpful

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