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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / I am back

Topic: I am back

  1. mmMekitty
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    2 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hi Mum Chris, I can't say why we seem bound to respond as we do, just know, this much upset will not continue on & on. It may not feel like all the crying is doing any good - I often feel iit s more a nuisance & makes me more miserable to have my nose clogged, & my face wet, & being unable to speak, but when that eases again, I have felt better for just being able to sit myself up again,& get on with whatever it was I had been doing. & I can do that. Recognising I can do all that crying & then being able to function again is so reassuring, I do feel better. So, please, know it will not break you.

    It really is one of those questions about why humans have this response at all. It feels so debilitating I can't imagine what evolutionary benefit there is to it. So, I must accept, it is what it is.

    Keep breathing as best you can, taking care to really focus on each inhalation & exhalation. That's part of the exercise, to focus on feeling of the breath in & out,how it swells & contracts the lungs, the feeling of the air, etc.

    here, for you, I have more of these ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ from the ones Jo has been sharing.

    You did good today, seeking out your safe person, going for some water, reaching out to us here & you know, as I am able, I will be here for you.

    Are you able to explore what it was that triggered you?

    😻 mmMekitty

  2. Croix
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    2 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris~

    OK you are frustrated and unhappy yourself yourself, crying, memory not 100%, easily set off, and lots more. A huge burden to carry, which you do, together with doing your job. You type cast yourself "CPTSD dissregulated and emotional" and fail to see the soldier you are, one who is recuperating after serious injury.

    When I start to feel overwhelmed I do not try to 'power on though', I use whatever I can, and that normally starts by using a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind. I don't think I've mentioned it to you before, my apologies if I have.

    https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app

    This has a huge collection of exercises on it, all designed to make you concentrate on the here and now - and break the chain of thoughts that is distressing you. It has a surprisingly calming effect for a while after too.

    It does not really matter what those thoughts were or what caused them, this allows you to step away.

    There's no such thing as a free lunch, I'm afraid you have to practice, and that does take a little determination. However the app has something to suit everyone, including one exercise that nags me just enough to catch my mind every time it starts to wander - which is often (plus the horrible background music can be switched off:)

    After using it I try to have something prepared to launch into before the original thoughts return.

    Even if you have looked at it before please try again.When things go pair-shaped you will not feel like using it, practice helps you reach for it anyway.

    On another front you mentioned about your husband "he’s scared I’m not going to survive." May I ask does he think you will put too much strain on your body (Smiling Mind would help thereto ease that strain) or does he think you will kill yourself? (Sorry to be blunt, I do have a reason for asking.)

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    199 posts
    2 December 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi mmMekitty

    I figured out what triggered me and I resisted all urges to run home and hide. I went to gym and out to dinner.

    it’s good to know it gets easier because this roller coaster ghost train I’m on is doing my head in.
    ive taken a melatonin and am hoping for sleep.
    Thank you for the hearts I will gratefully take those.
    good night 🥱😴💤💤💤💤🛌

  4. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    199 posts
    2 December 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix

    A lot to unpack there and I will read again in the morning good to have recourses and something to practice.
    He has voiced concerns about the impact on my health when he’s witnessed me in full distress mode. He’s also called the ambulance when I gave up but I promised to not give up again. I meant it. I also think he thinks I’m stuck in a loop and I’m not getting progress. But I may be wrong about that.
    I like the idea of being a soldier fighting for my life really. For my freedom

    The power of the down turn and the overwhelming emotions is a lot. Then I don’t know what is real and what is me obsessing. I can’t trust my emotions and judgment so I try to not react and I interact as little as possible.

    Im very tired now got a mild headache and hopefully will sleep

    Thank you for responding I will read everything in the morning and regroup.
    🥱💤

  5. Croix
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    3 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris~

    I think you are perfectly capable of seeing what was intended by others, but perhaps not to the right degree. This was one of my troubles and as you say can lead to overreaction. As you become more used to yourself (which is sadly not an instant process:( then you may be able to loosen up and interact more.

    It's not 100%, at least for me even now, and I still tend to miscalculate a bit at times and react accordingly, but it is within acceptable limits and I can enjoy interactions where before I used to avoid them.

    The reason I asked about your husband's concern for you is if he had at the back of his mind you might take your life or self-harm. After all it is OK to take someone's word they will do nothing, but that does not really stop the worry.

    One of the best way's I've found to stop a loved one's worry -or at least tone it down a notch - is to let them feel they have some measure of control.

    There is a Safety Plan called Beyondnow. It's free, fits on a smart phone and is a no-brainer to reach for if overwhelmed or if one, like me, has been frightened of what one might do.

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

    The idea is you fill it in on a good day, or at least start the process. True it has all the usual things; people to contact, emergency numbers and all of that, however it's real strength is it allows you to list things that you have enjoyed, given you a lift, or simply distracted you. I have lots of specific YouTube clips, specific music, specific books, specific places to go and more on mine.

    You wonder why I keep saying 'specific'. That's because when in that situation the brain can't really think and needs to be guided. No use saying "watch the Muppets", say instead "watch The Muppets Chrsitmas Carol wiht Michael Caine". OK, so you don't like the Muppets -its just an example to give you the idea.

    It can be very hard to come up with the things you enjoyed - which is where a loved one comes in, they can remember for you and help you enter them - this gives them a small measure of participation and hopefully a little less worry knowing you have avenues to go down they helped build.

    It is not static, it is a movable feast, as you get sick of one thing and discover another you change the content to match - and always specific.

    So what so you think? Something doable that might pay off both with yourself and your husband?

    Croix

  6. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    199 posts
    3 December 2021

    Hi

    I had a terrible night about 2 hours sleep in 2 goes. I woke in terror and thought someone was in the house. All rooms were checked nothing but the dog then I couldn’t sleep up and down all night and then woke up crying from a nightmare.
    I had decided to stay home but I went to work.
    Hello from the roller coaster

    The waterworks and loud and blubbery and I have taken a sedative and a pill to lower my blood pressure and cortisol or whatever it does. I was very upset and needed assistance. I cant go into what is triggering me but it’s intense and real.
    im glad there’s no alcohol in the house or I’d surely dived into that to escape the pain.
    Had a great talk to my younger brother we shared information about childhood and our abuse and how he got to a place of healing. Well he said sort of healing and he put it behind him. He’s religious so I think that helps him.
    This roller coaster is making me dizzy all the twist and turns ups and downs. I’m getting better I can laugh now but I can also laugh while crying.
    im still grieving the loss of family even though it’s for my own good I miss them. I learned to segregate people’s bad behaviour and focus on their good behaviour. It helped that I was taught I was being dramatic or difficult if I complained about verbal abuse or emotional abuse. After all I wasn’t perfect how can I judge others.
    I also remembered that I used to have out of proportion feelings like I was not normal size and I moved slow and was not the same as my surroundings. It was terrifying it would happen if lot in my room while on my own Talking to my brother we were able to cross check truths and lies.
    Tonight was a great night and then I get a message and boom I had to wake poor husband up I need help freak out and try to calm down.
    I honestly don’t know what I would do without the forum it calms me writing and I can do it in the dark and not disturb anyone.
    Husband said next time I wake him for a noise I will come with him to see nothing there he wants me out of the shadows. So I can see I’m safe there’s nothing there.
    sounds like a plan.

  7. mmMekitty
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    4 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    I hear you, Mum Chris, & want just to let you know that. I'll write more after I (hopefully) get some sleep myself.

    Please, if you need to talk straight away,call BB's own counselling service on:

    1300 22 46 36

    Warm virtual hugs,

    mmMekitty


  8. Mum Chris
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    199 posts
    4 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hi

    There is definitely a good time to take a sedative and I think I found the sweet spot. I slept and when I woke up I was told time for more sleep I put on a meditation tape and slept again. I woke up panicked and crying I dreamt I lost my dog while I was going for a group therapy session. Anyway it’s a dream he’s here beside me and I have a plan for today. Things to do places to be.
    The realisation on how injured I am is setting and I see that a quick fix may not be my journey. Adjusting my mindset and suck it up may be ok for some things. Not this.
    I was considering ringing help line but I put on a funny show and let the sedative put me to sleep.

    😴😴😴

  9. mmMekitty
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    4 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Good Morning Mum Chris, (with a wave to Croix),

    I'm glad you got some good sleep in there , somewhere. I know when I get some sleep, even a couple hours, my mood is considerably lifted. But it only seems for a while. Tha'ts how it is I guess. So when I get tired, when I get very cranky, I need the snooze.

    & I see here, today, you have an avatar picture. 😺, but 😾, what is it ? Can you tell me about it, & why did you choose this image? I am curious, but will be fine if you don't want to answer.😸

    I do like the idea of representing myself, but not with a literal self-portrait online. When I could see better & painted, I was loathe to paint myself in realistic terms. I kinda wish I had, now, because it would be interesting to see how my views of myself changed over the years. Just like looking at old writing, & the tings I would write about, how I wrote, all seems to have changed some, & I still have some writers' bad habits to watch for - those are so persistent, like certain ways of thinking & interpreting what is happening around & within us.

    *

    Good thing there was no alcohol to hand last night. Alcohol & sedatives are not a good combo. Not sure about the cortisol. Maybe find out what that is for, instead of simply taking it because it is there? These small things may look harmless, but may not be under certain circumstances. Since you can't recall what it is for, I wonder how old it is, & if it has been in the cupboard for a long time? Your local Chemist or your GP can advise you.

    My guess is it didn't cause harm - you are okay this morning after all.

    *

    You certainly had a rough night, but, in the end, you found ways to cope. Seems the funny shows work a treat.😺

    I think Croix's suggestion of BB's safety plan, that he mentioned above, would be excellent for you.

    (hahaha, I like Muppets, & The Muppets Christmas Carol is a favourite, by the way.😺Wish that was on tele, with audio description.)

    *

    I know how hard it is to convince yourself you are safe. What you are experiencing is a really strong echo of what was real.

    I hope you realise that, given the strong feelings, you coped pretty goodly, Mum Chris,😺

    mmMekitty

  10. Croix
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    4 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris (with a wave to passing felines)~

    I'm pleased to see you have put up an avatar, I'm hoping it means you feel more established and at home here. I also think that "Turmoil" might be a good and graphic choice, my only hesitation being the bars should be a half open gate, you are not sealed off from hope and a better future, even if it does take time. If I can reach recover, I'm sure you can.

    Maybe then you can use Jasjot's landscape with a stream, just right for meditation on a leaf as it is swept along, This was a technique taught me in an experiment on mindfulness. It sort of worked though I prefer Smiling Mind:)

    Perhaps waking you husband and having him conduct you around to show there is no threat, perhaps also just his presence with you will be a calming influence. Trying to go it alone is not always the best way to be, one can be easily convinced threats are real rather than symptoms when there is nobody to walk with you.

    In my own job, due to the people I had been dealing with, it was exceedingly hard, even in the light of day, to see what was fact and what was me.

    I'm glad you have had your brother as a fellow traveler, it does help to have someone.

    I'd have to echo that passing feline:

    "you coped pretty goodly, Mum Chris"

    Croix

  11. mmMekitty
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    4 December 2021 in reply to Croix

    😻

    On nimble claws I teeter, tee-hee!

    & off I flitter, like a bumble bee!

    💨

  12. Mum Chris
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    199 posts
    5 December 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi mmMekitty

    The avatar represents turmoil. Many different images of a person in different colours and poses and one behind bars. Actually the bars are only on one side so not a jail just a obstacle in front.
    I didn’t take cortisol I took a pill that slows pulse and cortisol production and the shaky sweats. Only last about 4 hours and I can take 3 times a day.
    If I’d had alcohol I would not have taken a sedative because the alcohol would have been close to hand. The sedative I had to hunt for as I’d stopped getting scripts for it. I found 1 and a1/4 pills in the bottle and I took 1 kept the precious 1/4 for future panic.
    Im sometimes not very clear with explanations.
    Yesterday was a success I got to see my grandchildren and I got lots of hugs. Things have been tough there and I’m going to help as much as I can even if it involves going to court. They are not seeing their father anymore so I have to deal with their mum who likes to be in control and play games. Games I’m not strong enough to deal with atm.
    Seems like seething anger has to have a place to strike and now I’m not around there needs to be a new target. The lies continue and the sympathy seeking bull. I shed tears for my son and his pain but he’s not changed not seen the light it’s still the poor me party putting up with everything and everyone no wonder he gets angry Delusional hateful person

    I’m beyond disappointed. I need to not let my disappointment mask the feelings I have had and the realisation of my injury and my emotions The focus is not on others it must be on healing me and my home life.

    A lot of my grief is around losing my grandchildren and to hear that they were told they would not be seeing me and how they argued with their father about it and wouldn’t agree that I was the problem and they suffered because of it and I told them I admired their strength. Angel’s I sent them back to mums happy and with some new clothes and toys.

    They did tell me he hates me and gets angry and opens and closes his fist and stomps around when talking about me. So his solicitor telling me he was sad what his actions has done etc is all an act for the court. I’m glad we have installed security at home.

    Garden clean up today lots of exercise and satisfying end result.

  13. Mum Chris
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    199 posts
    5 December 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix

    When you have experienced real life aggression and feared for life and limb it does something to you. I don’t feel safe in many situations. I did learn to fight and defend myself and that helped. It helps with fear of strangers. Scrappy was a good way to describe me when I was young. I’d argue struggle and resist. Eventually that gets worn down and I started checking for danger. Looking for signs things are not safe. Be careful be prepared at all times.
    Therapist telling me I did a good job of keeping myself and my family safe. I did avoid conflict and getting hurt good job etc. may be true but it enabled bad people to gain more control and fed my distress and my continued abuse.

    For me I’ve heard noises in the night and been in danger for real. Not just once fighting for my life or begging.
    Not my husband’s experience he thinks it’s only imagination. Vigilance turned to hyper vigilance

    For you too these are things that happened actually how you get to feeling of safety you will have to explain. Do I go back to learning how to protect myself again or does it just get easier to feel safe.
    I used to wake and be paralysed with fear unable to move or scream out. Now I am able to scream out while dreaming and my husband wakes me and tells me I’m dreaming. Some progress maybe. 🙁

    The bars are in front but not at the side or behind but they are there. No shackles but still crunched and seated. I look forward to my next avatar although turmoil fully represents my different selves. All are currently tangled and intertwined.

  14. Croix
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    5 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris~

    I just saw you had fallen and hurt your ankle and are waiting for the doctor. I guess if you can avoid an ambulance and ER that's pretty good, it can be quite a taxing environment.

    "For you too these are things that happened actually how you get to feeling of safety you will have to explain"

    You sure ask hard questions and I'm not sure I have a complete answer. Towards the end of my time in the force and for a period afterwards I probably overreacted badly. True there were possibilities from people that I'd had to deal with but nothing ever happened either at home or after I left with the exception of one minor assault.

    Toning things down so my expectations were realistic took time. To start with it was all locks, lights and a large dog. However as time went on my spouse started to convince me my expectations were false. At the same time I was on medication and undergoing therapy (still am)

    So gradually I became less and less anxious of bad things happening and also less jumpy. To start with my reactions seemed instinctive, and not open to logic. In time I came to understand more of what I was doing and tried to take various forms of action to lessen my reactions. These included exercise, reading, movies, talking to and listening to my spouse, as well as seeking out humor from British comedians. Even taking a shower.

    Slowly it worked, now I lock my doors and windows at night, (I'm in a small rural town) but otherwise am not that jumpy or anxious of harm.

    Mind you if I had your situation, with dogs charging at the fence, I'd be fearful too.

    In a nutshell: time, experience leading to control, therapy & meds, family support and a new working life away from the police.

    That's as close to an answer as I can get. Dunno if it makes any sense

    Croix

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  15. mmMekitty
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    5 December 2021 in reply to Croix

    Sounds good to me, Croix, (from the peanut tree)

    My difficulties in this area aren't as severe, so I am fortunate in that.

    Mostly I wait, too afraid to even turn over, even if I am feeling someone is standing behind me, I can't do it. That's why I listen intently, waiting for my heart to stop beating so much, catching my breath, holding it, yet, knowing I must breathe, & the more control of my breathing I have the more I can calm myself, the more my heart stops pounding, & the easier it is to breathe again.

    At that point, I will risk moving, turning, getting up & turning on a light, checking the nearest door, then going out to the next room, & checking the front door. & I look out too.

    Even though I can't see much, I still look out of my windows, & sliding glass door, especially if I think I hear something, & try to identify it. If I can identify the source of the sounds I hear, I not, okay, 😸that's okay then. Developing tinnitus hasn't helped. 😾

    Now, the audiobook goes back on, (or music) I have a drink of water, or maybe even a small snack. Go back to the bathroom, then go back to bed, with my audiobook playing for perhaps another hour, while I get back to sleep, or so I hope...

    If I was with anyone, Hell, I think I would feel a lot of embarrassment, maybe shame about these feelings & having to disturb anyone who is with me. I wouldn't want to do that. It's good you do have someone you can trust, someone who will forgive how you feel & react to your trauma.

    mmMekitty

  16. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    199 posts
    6 December 2021

    Hi

    Short post in hospital 2 small broken bones in foot and other leg huge bruises torn muscle. Just got moon boot and a weird walker I lean on and hop so I can take myself to the toilet. Yippee

    Painkillers and blurred vision now. Had a meltdown and I may go to another hospital for rehab and mental health care.

    No visitors yet because no one could believe I’d actually hurt myself. I’ve a history of massive falls no injuries. Tonight lots of disbelief and comments on my bad 2021.

    remember when people visited and brought grapes and chocolate to hospital patients.
    👻👻👻

  17. Croix
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    6 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris~

    I'm sorry to hear of the breaks and the meltdown too.

    Still please regard this post as a virtual visit, with virtual grapes (so you can spit virtual pips at the passers-by of your choice) and virtual (dark) chocolate wrapped in foil (so you can make noisy unwrapping noises in the middle of the night to disturb all and sundry)

    Would you prefer to stay where you are or go to the other hospital?

    Croix

  18. mmMekitty
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    6 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    I have the chocolate,🍫, & little 💖💖💖stickers for your boot. 😻& i'll purr for you, right here, mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm ...NOT sitting on your feet!

    Have you taken a photo or two? Just an ide. 😸

    mmMekitty

  19. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    199 posts
    8 December 2021

    Hi

    Thank you I will enjoy the gifts and treats. ❤️❤️❤️
    Hubby has been my only visitor so far and I’m missing my decaf coffees. Maybe I could Uber a jumbo decaf full cream milk no sugar 🥰🥰

    Did I say I broke my foot in 2 places. Small tip of heel broken and bone on side of foot. Both completely snapped off. I’ve had reaction too the endone and they have taken that off the list and I can have injections only but I seem to be reacting to that now. I have developed a pain in kidney and I think It’s a issue. It’s a pain I’ve felt before but as I get off drugs it may be better.
    I had good news about getting psych care for trauma while in hospital. Well partial good news. I have an appointment next week with psychologist that specialises in EMDR therapy and other trauma therapy. I can’t remember if I have already said anyway bright side I’m getting some support. I just feel this would not have happened if I wasn’t consumed by invasive thoughts. I stepped in front of a car recently in a car park more than once but in my defence one was electric car and I didn’t hear anything.
    im not mobile so will be in hospital till Friday afternoon if all goes well.
    Positive affirmations are playing in my ears all night. Not sure how effective it is but I think it drowns out nightmares

    My daughter is very very upset I’m hurt and she’s scared for me. My vulnerability is destabilising for her and I understand. I wish I could hug her and tell her it’s ok but FaceTime is all we have.
    im using a giant walker but need to practice on crutches to get out of here. I think I need one of those knee wheelies that look like scooters but instead of standing you kneel on bad side and stand on other foot and you scoot around. But maybe not I should suck it up and use the crutches. Decisions 🤦🏼‍♀️

  20. mmMekitty
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    8 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hey there, Mum Chris,

    I presume you've spoken to either a physiotherapist or an Occupational therapist about how to get used to crutches, or if the wheelie thing would be better for you? They could help you make the decision.

    I've brought you a ☕, see, it's got full-cream milk in it, already? Can you imagine the smell, the smooth porcelain cup, warm in your hand , & raising it to your mouth, smelling the coffee, with it's own warm aroma, feel the steam, & sip, - what a great exerse in using your imagination! This could be a good mindfulness exercise, too. Trying to create as realistic an idea of having your giant cup of coffee. 😺 Might be as good as having a real one! & a far better thing for your mind to be focused on, along with your affirmations.

    I'm not much sold on affirmations, but if they seem to keep nightmares away, then go for it!

    After all, you don't need to continue having the nightmares, because you know what they are about anyway, already, so - 'enough already', I'd say. Even telling myself that may not take such dreams away completely or forever, but I've felt it has helped.

    Have you mentioned the kidney pain to anyone? It might be worth to check out, if only to confirm it is nothing to worry about.

    We need to be super mindful of traffic, especially those silent electric & hybrid cars. They are so annoying.

    When I am tired, or mind is caught up with some thoughts, or I am highly emotional, or when I am feeling so low I don't care, (not good, I know, & this is especially why I mention it, is when we need to be pushing ourselves to listen, look, & react appropriately to what is going on around us. It can be so hard, & the mind can slip, so then we need to stop, 'regroup' & keep our minds on getting safely to where we can sit awhile. It isn't practical in the middle of a carpark, or when walking towards home, or wherever, so we need to taking greater care than usual.

    I keep thinking how it would be for a driver to bump their car into me, knock me over, & potentially cause some serious harm, because I started crossing a road before I was absolutely sure it was safe. Still, no matter how cautious I am, I know something could happen, so that scares me every time I go out.

    I can't control how much others are taking care, so I must do what I can to keep myself from harm.

    💖mmMekitty😺

    Just look at my picture, & see if you can imagine me on your bed, purring, & definitely no grabbing toes! I am being nice, gentle kitty for Mum Chris😸

  21. Croix
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    8 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris~

    You certainly did a job on your foot, not one bone but two! Did say how long to heal (if you treat it sensibly of course)?

    Not being able to put weight on it is incredibly frustrating, however I use crutches when I need to and they are not too bad when you get used to them, at least the sort that clip onto your forearms.

    You can get pretty nimble with them (though a mug of coffee is an art to carry). They are light and easy to store in a car and will let you climb steps and go over rough ground. I've no experience with wheels.

    Actually if they are loose and do not clip your arms properly they fall off onto the floor when you are using your hands, this is a right pain, so please make sure if you are going to use them you borrow exactly the right size.

    I'm glad you have the chance of some support, even if going though coffee withdrawals, you might be interested to do a search of hte Forum to see how others have got on with EMDR and the other therapies offered.

    A bright side is a daughter that cares even if she overreacts. Mind you having no concentration left for navigation and looking out for yourself is a worry, so I can see her point. Hopefully the therapy will help.

    I'd echo mmMekitty's concern over that kidney pain, maybe it needs to be mentioned - what do you think?

    Croix

  22. mmMekitty
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    1801 posts
    10 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hello, Mum Chris,

    Thought I'd drop in, or slink, or maybe even saunter in, shed shed some hair, & purr for a while, seeing if you are alright, & if you'd like some company? I'm not far away. 😺

    & here's more,❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️, a six pack!

    mmMekitty

  23. mmMekitty
    Valued Contributor
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    1801 posts
    11 December 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi Mum Chris,

    Popping in again, trying to catch you sleeping. 😺

    Look what I found, another🧸& this one is stuffed with virtual tissues, & a miniture Fogwhistle. You won't believe the range of notes you can get out of it! You'll have the staff wondering what & where the sounds are for hours, if not days!

    The Harpsicordian & the Euphonedrum were too big for me to smuggle in , so when you can travel to Croix's igloo, you'll hear them long before you arrive, rocking the place, literally! DB is going to be on the Euphonedrum & Grandy on Harpsicordian, in a duet I wrote especially for them to play, & dedicated to you & your recovery!

    💖💖💖Hope to hear from you soon,💖💖💖

    😻mmMekitty

  24. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    199 posts
    14 December 2021

    Hi

    i have descended out of my drug fueled hospital stay. I had an allergic reaction to endone got the work’s itching panic swollen organs and technicolor yawn before they moved me to morphine. Still itching and discomfort and a little panic but much better. I’m home with various aids to get me around and minimal pain relief. I prefer the pain so I know what I can tolerate and not reinjure my foot.
    The world revolves around making it to the toilet in time and not going into a state of panic.
    Big day tomorrow I start treatment for trauma finally. It’s my first time and I have to make my way to a new place and on crutches. Taxi instead of security of my own car. 😕😱😬😳

    I am scared but hopeful. I decided the setback of injury was time to use for a leap forward to getting treatment.
    im very vulnerable and the slightest hurdle or tiny bump and I cry and am really jumpy.
    I must have very clear tear ducts

    it’s hard for me to concentrate or interact and I’m having relationship issues. I dont know what’s real or what’s imagined. I feel let down and neglected but my insecurities are so strong maybe no amount of action or display of undying love would make me feel comfortable. I got giant bunches of flowers from work but none from my husband and all I can think about is no flowers and I have always said don’t buy me flowers. 😵‍💫😵‍💫 He brought me clean clothes and has cooked the meals and cleaned the house but I think he doesn’t love me. Uurk yuck

    Dr said pain meds increase anxiety and depression but when they say that it seems abstract. To me what I’m feeling is reality I’m not loved I’m all alone etc etc.

    When I can focus better I will reread the posts from mmMekitty and Croix because they are so lovely and well written but marshmallow brain can’t absorb the words if you know what I mean. I’m at preschool stage of comprehension

    I will update tomorrow on session with new psych I’m excited and hopeful

    good night 😴💤🛌🥱

  25. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10580 posts
    14 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris~

    Popped in to see how you are going.

    I hope your stay in hospital is over and oyu are home, how are you managing with the moonboot and what sort of walking aid did you get in the end?

    Hope all is well

    Croix

  26. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    199 posts
    14 December 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix

    I have a fixed no wheels walker thingy and crutches. Both very ineffective in my hands but I’m getting around

    Frustration with being in this condition is immense and I’m a grumpy person with waves of insecurity.

    I am trying to view as an opportunity to learn and slow down. To uncover more about who I really am and what I really want. I’ve been propelled by circumstances and other people needs now I’m the needy one. Who what and why and hopefully how is where I am at.

    I totally suck on crutches so hopefully at the end of 6 weeks I won’t need surgery. If I do then maybe they can fix the old injuries and I can be better than before.

    Excited for new psychologist visit tomorrow he specialises in trauma treatment and comes with good recommendations.

    MC

  27. mmMekitty
    Valued Contributor
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    1801 posts
    14 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hi MC - I like that & appreciate that you posted on my thread. Thank you.

    You have gone through a lot in hospital, but it seems to me, you'll come out stronger for this experience. I wish you all the best with the new psychologist. Just remember to allow yourself extra time to get there so you aren't panicking trying to find his place. Also give yourself enough time to settle before he comes out to greet you.

    I'll leave it hear for now. 💖💖💖 with all my best, 😻

    mmMekitty

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10580 posts
    15 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Dear Mum Chris~

    Yes the aids are a pain, but if you are like me it will not take long to be very mobile on the crutches. and if it makes you grumpy, that's OK, such restriction would make most that way. The only reason I don't is from long term circumstances, and even then if somone assumes too little or too much I can get shirty.

    Having some time for yourself sounds good, I realise you wish to make your recovery better, and I was wondering if you had a plan, an idea of what might be best?

    A new psychologist who specializes in trauma sounds pretty promising, is there any way you can brief him that is gentle on yourself?

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    199 posts
    16 December 2021

    Hi

    I had a emotional drama before the psychologist and I took a sedative and left early so I could get there on time and not freak out or get lost. Luckily because Uber app had issues and I had to update payment method and I was freaking out but luckily the sedative was like a heavy blanket. Also I rang my husband and he could hear it in my voice the distress and he talked to me in such a strong and understanding way it just helped me soo much. He’s not usually like that he’s usually more judgmental. I like him again 🤣

    The psychologist was fantastic and I was suitably numb. I handed over paperwork and he read and I coldly spoke on my history of abuse and that I had gotten well and strong but now was not okay. He stopped me and said what the plan was evidently I’m not at a point where I can start emdr therapy I need some safety stuff to get me more centred or something not his words but I think that is what he was saying. He did say when I get overwhelmed I can use ice and cold water to bring me back and lower the physical reactions. I think that’s what it’s for. He did say that what I have experienced was extreme and he had a plan to help me he mentioned steps and I of course can’t remember a thing. But he never said any of the stuff the other psych said that I found absolutely unhelpful. I’m feeling hopeful

    As for the walker and crutches I’m getting used to them I was going to send back the walker next week but I’m going to keep it as it’s better for night time dashes.

    I’m doing some craft projects again for a long time I wasn’t able to focus on anything and even watching tv I was just looking at it not watching. Blank stares and a whirlwind in my head and emotions.

    im not able to cope with the slightest extra anything I can find a harmony and sort of functioning level but add a tiny hurdle and I come crashing down. Do you think that’s what was intended when I was hurt was it to totally destroy me. Was there so much hatred that this is what I will do to her. I attract and create hatred from others and I have no power to protect myself. I had an illusion that I was strong and a fighter and not a victim but it was a lie I told myself. Anyway baby steps I need to keep thoughts small and tight
    Today I will focus on one task I need to colour my hair. All important for self esteem the grey GT stripe has to go 💈🦄 if I had pink hair dye I think I’d give that a go.
    MC

  30. mmMekitty
    Valued Contributor
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    mmMekitty avatar
    1801 posts
    16 December 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Oh, Mum Chris, I think you are a survivor. Yes, you were victimised, but You Are Still Here. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

    MMMekitty

    1 person found this helpful

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