You already are a better man. You're obviously more conscious than you ever have been before. You seek to find difference/change and self understanding. While in the process of your own evolution, you are a better man and will continue to be.
My heart goes out to you as you face the challenges that would have felt soul destroying as a child. The mum in me wishes to give the kid in you the most enormous hug. Being conditioned to hate our self, being conditioned to have our nervous system and other systems ramp up so easily and being conditioned to tolerate the intolerable (which is angering) would definitely take its toll. Seeking out sedatives in life is understandable.
I recall the self hatred in my depression, during the years in which I found myself in the depths of it. It is a truly horrible feeling, to be filled so so much self hatred. 'How to love our self?' becomes the question. I believe defining what love or self love is perhaps becomes the 1st step. The 2nd is to recognise that we may have never been taught how to love our self. How can we practice what we have never been taught, what has not been defined.
It's perhaps a bit romantic to say that love is found in evolution but whether we are loving another through supporting their positive evolution or we are loving our self through supporting our own gradual evolution, it cannot be denied that such active love brings growth of some kind. I look back over the decades and see how I loved myself through every significant challenge I faced. I could not see it, during the years where (through every challenge) I gradually raised myself out of my depression but I acknowledge now that if I had not loved myself in any way, I would never have made the effort to come back to life. I love myself for making such an effort. Perhaps you'll be able to say to yourself one day 'Although I have never been able to feel love for myself, raising myself through the challenges is what has led me to finally feel it'. Although love was never taught to you, you've come to find it for yourself, through the experience of having raised yourself. Do you not love people for the incredible ways they raise themselves out of trauma? I do.
Might not be your cup of tea but there are guided meditations out there to help re calibrate the nervous system. Another natural therapy is talk therapy. Whether this involves a professional or your wife, maybe it's time you finally vented, in a positive self loving way.