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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / Partner won’t get help

Topic: Partner won’t get help

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Judy H
    Judy H avatar
    4 posts
    25 September 2021


    I’m new here & don’t know what to do.

    I’m really worried about my partner of 10 years. (He’s 60 years old). He has always had extreme lows, where he becomes very quiet & this can last for days.

    He tells me that nothing is wrong, and that he’s just “being quiet”. During those frequent “quiet” episodes, he would not engage in even general conversation& this was confusing for me.

    However, out of the blue last week, he is being extremely verbally abusive towards me ~ his behaviour is totally uncharacteristic.

    His voice changes and his eyes glaze over. He is saying some very nasty things and making things up.
    Believes I have hacked into his accounts, I’m having an affair & stealing his belongings. He has gone from a quiet, loving, gentle & kind person to this absolute monster. He’s saying things he wouldn’t ever dream of.

    I can only marry up the timing with a visit with his mother, who is currently very ill , dysfunctional family & never really grieving over the death of his father, 4 years ago.

    im beside myself with worry - he won’t talk to me unless he’s abusing me, so I am now keeping out of his way, which is torture in my own home.

    He tells me I’m the reason he is how he is. I’ve tiptoed around the suggestion for him to go & talk to someone, but I’m told that I’m the crazy one.

    im so sad - it feels like I’ve lost my partner! He really is unwell & im scared that he won’t get help and I’ll lose him forever.

  2. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    611 posts
    26 September 2021 in reply to Judy H
    Hi Judy,
    Your partner doesn't seem to be the communicating type; sudden mood swings can leave you doubting yourself and searching for correlation to events in lieu of an honest conversation.
    At 60, I would first be ruling out any medical (such as an infection) or neurological (early onset dementia) condition.
    Both of these can generate changed behaviour.
    Any trauma (as you mentioned) could also be hitting home, leaving him feeling lost and helpless - lashing out being a 'defensive' mechanism to apportion blame to the nearest host, which is unfair to you.
    Finding the right moment to have a calm discussion might provide some valuable insight into how he is feeling to take things to the next level for treatment.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15113 posts
    26 September 2021 in reply to Judy H

    Hello Judy, we really appreciate your comment because this must be very distressing and suddenly unusual.

    I have seen this type of behaviour happen before, unfortunately, as it goes along with what Tranzcrybe has said and people do change unexpectedly, where some folk change at an early get than others, this can't be determined until you take him, if possible to see his doctor, and perhaps you can write down the changes he's doing and the remarks he makes, just so his mood won't change if he hears you telling his doctor.

    You might have to make an excuse so he'll go with you to see the doctor, perhaps by having the vaccine might be appropriate, and if you've already had this and he doesn't remember, then suggest it to him again.

    I'm really sorry as I'm in that age bracket and feel your loss.

    Take care.


  4. Judy H
    Judy H avatar
    4 posts
    26 September 2021

    Thankyou so much for your support.

    I’m sad to say that things escalated yesterday. He continued to abuse me and this time focused on the alleged affair I was meant to be having. He told me that I have made him into who he is and it’s all my fault.

    It was so distressing to hear him say such things (and more). I told him he needed help as his behaviour was irrational and unreasonable. I’m made sure I told him I’d support him with anything he needed.

    He told me I was the one with the problems. His facial expression & voice changed as he told me about all the things he “despised” about me.

    By this point, I’m a nervous wreck. I’m crying & begging for answers.

    In the end, I packed my bag and drove off. I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of this emotional roller coaster.

    But, I’m so sad for losing my partner. Within 10 days, I’ve seen my partner turn into a totally different person. He’s said some unforgivable things and treated me so badly. I’m really scared for his well-being.

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