Spent 13 weeks in Hospital the first half of the year. Diagnosed with Depression by my GP who put me on a plan with a Phycologist. 3rd weeks in for the first time I spoke about my childhood after 50 years of keeping it a secret. Where I broke down. In sort, I was sexually abused raped by 4 different people from the age of 11. I won't go into the details it's still too hard to deal with. While in hospital for 9 weeks at one hospital and 3 Weeks at another health facility I was diagnosed with Major Depression, Complex PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Dysthymia - (ongoing Depression). During my stay in hospital, it was decided that I could no longer be with my family due to my Mental health and physical health. My wife also has Mental and Physical health problems. I made the choice to move out. My eldest son moved in with his younger brother with their mum.
This ended a 40-year marriage. A bit hard to take. We have slowly drifted apart over the last 12 years sleeping in separate rooms.
So there I am in hospital homeless and nowhere to go. In the 9th week in the hospital, I finally found shared accommodation 100 mile away from family. Only to find out that 3 tenants were smoking. I did not feel safe, breathing in secondary smoke. I went backwards became more depressed, anxious started to self-harm again thinking I would be better off dead. Community Health Acute Team were keeping in touch with me. Spoke to them said do you want to go to ED? Yes. She rang for an Ambulance. I self-harmed. Lost everything why should I care or want to be heard.
Spent 2 weeks in Mental Health Hospital 1 week in another. Then left thought I was good to go. Wasn't I was going back to the same place.
One day sitting on the stone wall at the beach watching the waves people & dogs thinking I could quite easily take a long walk into the sea. A dog had run up to me sat on the wall next to me with his head on my shoulder.
He would not leave me. His mum called for him to go back to her. He did. The owner & dog came back up to their car. The dog did the same thing again with his head on my shoulder. Both of us went home that day. I finally found a unit which is a lot safer. Second-hand car.
Everybody thinks just because I have a unit and car I should be good & happy.
I'm not living alone & was self-harming again 2 days ago. Just over it all having to start all over again.