Hi this is my first time posting or really reaching out at all. Sorry it’s really long. Just a little background, I’m Lily, I’m 23, and in 2018 I moved from England to Australia to marry my husband. It was an extremely hard decision and I’m still incredibly homesick over my family and friends back in England, but it’s been worth it as my marriage is amazing and my husband is truly my best friend.

As a wedding gift he built a house for us to live in. In December 2019 I discovered I was pregnant again after a previous miscarriage earlier that year. Things were looking up. We were dealing with the fires but only to a minor degree, even the RFS said our house was safe and well defended. Unfortunately huge winds picked up in January whilst we were at home, we ran and hid in a neighbouring house’s bathroom with wet towels around us whilst our house burnt to the ground, terrified we’d be the next to burn. I was truly convinced we were going to die, flames were literally licking the windows. We ended up shaken, but alive, and fortunately found somewhere new to live quickly and were helped out a great deal.

And then I had a miscarriage three weeks later. It was the most brutal and agonising thing I have ever endured and I was completely neglected by the medical staff who accused me of being a hypochondriac until I passed out from the pain & complications in the waiting room. As it turns out my chances of having children in the future are extremely slim. I haven’t even begun to wrap my head around that yet. I’ve really kept this all fairly secret and miscarriage feels like such an awkward taboo topic.

I previously suffered from PTSD due to being raped at a party when I was 14. I’ve been doing really well with this until now, but after all of the above, and losing my job, and being so far from parents and best friends, it’s really all flared up again. I’m not suicidal because despite everything I still really love life, but am just struggling to function and do normal things again like job hunting. I’m very good at pretending I’m fine so people see no issue in bringing up stressful topics like my unemployment and immigration status (currently working on my visa) because they don’t realise I’m not coping and don’t understand why I’m being “lazy”.

I don’t really know what I want from posting this, I think I just needed to get it all off my chest.

Hi Lily,

Welcome to our friendly online community. We're so grateful that you have reached out here tonight as we know it can be tough to do this for the first time. We're also really sorry to hear what you've been through. It sounds like you are such a strong person to have gone through so much and still have such a positive perspective on moving forward in your life. But please know that you don't have to keep these feelings bottled up, and you don't have to do this alone. Our wonderful community is here to offer you as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Can we ask, do you have any mental health support? We understand it can be really tough to cope sometimes, especially if you don't feel you can reach out to those around you. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way.

Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it - we hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgemental space.
     
 

Thank you. It’s also been hard because soon after moving into the new house there was a home invasion, whilst I was in the house in bed which was also very scary.

I did have a therapist on Better Help but since losing my job I couldn’t afford it anymore. I will definitely consider contacting the support service that sounds very helpful, thank you!

Dear lilyhilly~

It's been quite a while how since y first contacted us and I popped in to see if you were still around and if so how you are going.

Even leaving the bushfire to one side for a moment, the house invasion must have been terrifying. it would be for anyone, but especially with the things that have happened to you. I hope the Help Line was able to assist you.

I know with your job gone it might not be possible to see your existing therapist, but as someone who himself has PTSD, depression and anxiety I'd strongly suggest finding an alternative. If you look around our

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/bushfires-and-mental-health/

section it may give you some useful links.

I'm going to talk about the miscarriage, skip over it if you want to.

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It is a heart-breaking thing and it has happened to you twice. I'm not sure how reliable your prognosis is, getting the best information you can is obviously best.

You did say you had kept it to yourself, do you think that is hte best thing to do? Not everyone can say "my marriage is amazing and my husband is truly my best friend. " Have you talked the matter over with him as yet? If not do you think he would be supportive and cherish you as you need?

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That pretending mask is one I've used too. It starts off as a means of keepng away from undesirable topics, but quickly turns around and gives a sense of isolation. I even started to get annoyed my family and friends could not see though it to the me that was suffering inside.

I've not dealt with everything you have to face, but have said a lot for one post.

If you would like to come back we could talk some more.

Croix