Where to begin, this is my first time posting on this online forum and I find it difficult to even write down my feelings as I feel that for the first time in a long time I am acknowledging them. Living with trauma depression, accompanied by social anxiety is extremely difficulty. I find myself constantly worried about what everyone is thinking with the never ending question "Where will I end up in my life?"

From a young age, I was abused by my father both mentally and physically while spending each night praying and asking for my mum to leave him. At the age of 12, everything came crashing down when the police came and took my father away as my mum finally got the courage to go into the police station with myself and younger brother. From then my depression spiraled out of control as I was 12 years old, never going to school, self-harming and eventually landing myself in hospital for my second suicide attempt at the age of 14. From there I spent time in hospital in a children's ward for my own safety, although I eventually came out of it by choosing to leave school and complete my year 10 at TAFE. Although I did not have a formal education, I continued to pursue my dreams of becoming an educator, completing my Certificate III, Diploma and finally obtaining my Bachelor of Early Childhood Education and Care.

After working, last week I left my job due to the work culture as I felt I was not supported and their was constant bitching about fellow staff members. With this, my depression and trauma resurfaced, while thinking to myself "Is this workplace culture good for my own mental health?" In reality, I knew it was not as both my mind, body and heart knew, and I immediately left without giving my 2 weeks notice which I feel horrible about. Before making this decision I did speak about how I was feeling, as well as explaining my current feelings of depression, thinking to myself "Maybe they can provide assistance or additional support?" With that question being asked, I then knew I was completely wrong based on the response. As I am sitting here now I find myself myself thinking "Will my depression be a constant struggle?" and "Maybe I wont get anywhere in life?"

Welcome HealingTheSoul,

Thank you for reaching out here tonight and joining our friendly online community. It sounds like you've had a long and difficult journey. We're so sorry to hear that your trauma has resurfaced - it you've had a lot going on lately.

Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support, or have you in the past? If not, we would recommend that you do seek professional support. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way.

Many of our members will understand and may be able to offer some sage words. Hopefully a few will pop by to welcome you over the next few days.

Hi, welcome

Well you certainly have achieved a lot to date in your life-very impressive.

Unfortunately achieving education doesn't insulate us from our demons so we have to accept our instability that leads to actions like resigning our jobs abruptly. I know, I'm retired now but have had 90 jobs in my 40 year working life, most of those doing what you did- walking out the door without notice. It was a need to escape the toxicity of people.

Depression is best accepted and mould your life around it rather than try to conquer it.

Google

Beyondblue topic depression, the timing of motivation

Beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

Professional help is also needed so I hope you are your GP for a chat about that.

By all means reply and chat further.

TonyWK

Hi HealingTheSoul

I got chills as I read your post because I see you as an incredibly powerful person. The way you have managed to reform your self through your challenges and successes is powerful. Leaving that job was an incredibly powerful and courageous move. As they say, courage is found as we move through fear. Without fear, courage cannot be experienced. I hope you don't continue to feel bad about not giving 2 weeks notice when it comes to leaving your job. In my opinion, you managed well. You managed to convey the challenges you faced, yet they chose to manage through ignoring the need to support you. You left suddenly because of a fault in their management - neglect. In a way, you did give fair warning, they did not listen.

One of the mantras I live by is 'Every challenge holds the potential to either depress me or raise me (to a greater version of myself)'. The enormous challenges are potentially depressing because it's the nature of enormous ones to be deeply reforming. The enormous challenges are fearful and they can be filled with a kind of grief that sees us letting go of parts of our self, our identity. 'Who am I if I am not fearful? Who am I if I am not easygoing, like everyone wants me to be? Who am I if cannot tolerate the intolerable?' While some may say 'I am nothing without my fear, I am difficult if not easygoing and weak if I cannot tolerate things', others may say 'I am fearless. I am challenging when it comes to that which must be challenged or questioned. I am strong because of what I will not tolerate'. I believe we gradually find love for our self through the challenges we rise to. We raise our self, to love our self. We graduate. Each challenge we face where we reach the conclusion 'I deserve better', can have us looking back not just on the challenges themselves but also on the graduation we've achieved. Such graduation will not always be obvious by the way.

Personally, I have no idea where I will end up in life. It doesn't bother me not knowing. What I have come to care about, since having left my depression behind me some time ago, is the fact that I am graduating through my life. This will always be my #1 goal - reforming myself.

I believe it is the nature of life, to present challenges. As long as we're alive, we will face them. It is the challenges themselves that reform us, to come to know the best in our self. To live fearlessly, with faith in our self, is perhaps one of the greatest challenges of all.

:)