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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

Topic: Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

  1. tranzcrybe
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    711 posts
    18 December 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hi Emo,

    I trust you are posting from a hospital bed given your current state of poor health - your husband is not proving to be a positive influence for you. How is your experience with social support services going lately?

    You are right about Christmas though, and there are many people who struggle with conflicting emotions at this time of year when contemplating loved ones lost - no one is immune from this situation but for some it can heighten the significance of the true spirit of Christmas and bring inner peace and even joy. The Beatitudes of Matthew may carry you through this period with hope.

    Perhaps not a time to consider tradition or learned behaviours, but to take stock of where you are and make your own Christmas wish list of how you see yourself in the future, your hopes and aspirations, along with a few sketches on the path you shall follow to accomplish your goals. Forgive the attitudes and behaviours of your tormentors and look toward mastering your own life without guilt or fear.

    Wishing you warm thoughts along your journey to clarity.

    Kind regards,

    t.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    20 December 2020 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Hi Tranzcrybe,

    Thank you for your concern for my well being. I should be in hospital as I was very badly hurt by my husband but I recently had a very bad experience in hospital which involved my husband so I'm not willing to put myself in that position again. I'm currently on the streets but I've armed myself so I should be safe.

    Thank you for your advice about Christmas. I'm trying to put your suggestions into action but I'm really so deep down in my bad thoughts that the grief of my dad is overwhelming me. I'm not sure how I will get through Christmas Day without my dad. He made Christmas so special for me. I'm trying to work out how I can get to the cemetery to spend Christmas Day with him. I can't walk there due to my injuries but I hope I might be better by Christmas Day.

    I just really want to be with him. I can't lie about the fact that I've had thoughts about how I could join him in heaven.

    I know I need to be strong and keep going in my fathers honour but the grief is so overwhelming. I'd appreciate any help from other community members on how you can cope with overwhelming pain from grief and abuse. I'm not sure where I will stay tonight so I'd better go and look for a safe place on the streets. It's not very safe being so vulnerable, I hope I can find a place that is safe soon. Thank you for letting me talk about my feelings, it really helps to be able to say your thoughts out loud albeit via text.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  3. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
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    711 posts
    22 December 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hi Emo,

    I am pleased you have some outlet for expression and thank you for finding time in your struggle to stay in contact.

    Sorry you are not able to feel safe in hospital - could you speak to staff about ensuring your isolation from your husband? Enlisting the services of your case manager or police to intervene would be advisable; your first priority must be your health and safety and the streets will not provide this for you.

    Although you have acquired some form of self defence, I am concerned this will not turn out for the best as weapons can have undesired consequences for the untrained. Perhaps capsicum spray might give you more control for any unwanted advances by giving you time to escape and seek assistance. Even those personal alarms can be an effective deterrent as it draws unwelcome attention to the attacker.

    I hope you keep yourself free from harm and can reach out to those in authority as the need arises.

    Kind regards,

    t.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    23 December 2020 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Hi Tranzcrybe,

    Thank you for continuing to reach out to me. I feel so alone but your concern makes me feel like I have one person in the world who is concerned about me. Last night was very traumatic for me, I won't go into details as it could be triggering for some community members. You were right about me making a mistake by having a weapon on me as it was used in the incident.

    I'm currently in hospital under an alias for my own safety. I've been taking the advice of Safe Steps. They suggested that they could talk to the hospital before I was admitted to make sure that my husband wasn't notified of my admittance. They also talked to the hospital on my behalf and got him removed as my next of kin. A worker at Safe Steps is currently my next of kin just for contact purposes.

    I'm so grateful for the wonderful advice from Safe Steps, they have taken a lot of the stress off me by making sure that I don't have to worry as much about my husband finding me in hospital. They are just letting me take things step by step as they know how overwhelmed I am. The next step is to work with the police and Safe Steps to get the protection order finalised.

    The hospital staff have told me that I will be kept in over Christmas as my injuries will need to be monitored and will need some ongoing care which they said can't happen if I'm living on the streets. I thought that being in hospital over Christmas would be the worst thing in the world but I'm actually grateful that I will be safe, protected and cared for.

    I've been dreading Christmas for a while now since the loss of my dad. I'm not sure how I will get through the day as I still feel like my hearts broken and it will never heal again. If anyone has any suggestions on how to honour my father on the day I would appreciate it. Now that I will be in hospital on the day I won't be able to visit the cemetery.

    Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to provide an update on my current situation. I hope the festive season is kind to everyone. I know how hard it can be during this time of year. I will try to keep in contact. I'm looking forward to a soft warm bed tonight in the hospital, I feel so blessed to be safe and able to have a proper sleep for the first time in weeks. Thank you.

    Regards,

    Emo.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    james1 avatar
    3038 posts
    23 December 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hi Emo,

    I am glad to hear you are in hospital and I hope it is not like what happened last time. At least you have an alias which can help keep you safe.

    I am sorry to hear you are dreading Christmas and also the loss of your dad. Unfortunately, the focus with Christmas is always on those who have a nice time and others who perhaps don't have the people around them anymore, are left with no voice. Would you perhaps want to write a letter or try your hand at a poem?

    If I don't speak to you before Christmas, I'm just sending you my best wishes and I hope you are sleeping well.

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    24 December 2020 in reply to james1

    Hi James,

    Thank you very much for your kind words. Your reply made my day feel much better. I had a bad thing happen against my will which is why I got admitted to the hospital as well as complications from my husbands abuse.

    I'm trying to get a protection order against the stranger who abused me but I've been told that it's not possible as I don't have a place to live and as the stranger also lives on the streets there is no point in going ahead with the process.

    I wonder if anyone knows if that is true as I would really like other people's opinions? Why is it so hard to get a protection order? It looks like my order against my husband will be very hard to get as well. I feel like there is no point in trying to fight for my freedom or safety any more. I'm trying to think of reasons not to go back to my husband but if there's no way to keep him away from me or for me to get some safety I might be best to go back.

    I just feel like I'm being abused all over again but this time by the system. I struggle with my feelings regarding leaving my husband as I'm feeling like I should have given him another chance. I feel like I deserve the abuse. I did say it's been a bad day.

    Thank you for the suggestion of writing a letter or poem to help me with my sadness over missing my dad this Christmas. I will write a letter. I'm not sure about a poem as I've never been very good at poetry.

    I would also like to wish you best wishes for the festive season. I hope everything goes well for you. I look forward to hearing from you in the future, only if you would like to continue to communicate. I found your advice really helpful. All the best.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  7. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    26 December 2020

    Hi Everyone,

    I'm in a really bad way at the moment as my husband was invited to visit me at the hospital.

    One of the nurses, I think thought she was doing a kind thing by contacting my husband but its just made things worse. I guess it was my fault as I said that I was lonely.

    He has threatened me with some awful things. I'm not sure if its worth fighting this hard just to get some peace.

    I think it might be gods way of getting me to go back to my husband. I'm fighting so hard to not give in but its just so exhausting.

    I don't know how other women are able to keep fighting when their husband's keep coming back to them and threatening them.

    I've lost a bit of my will to go on. I just want to get to safety but I'm not sure if that's even possible any more?

    Regards,

    Emo.

     

  8. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    26 December 2020 in reply to Emo
    Hi Emo,

    We're so thankful that you're reaching out here tonight, and we are so sorry to hear that your husband has visited you at the hospital. We'd urge you to reach out to Safe Steps on 1800 015 188 and let them know of what has happened. We can hear how distressing this experience must have been for you, but please know that you're an incredibly strong person who does not deserve any of this- you deserve to live free from this fear and worry. We'd also encourage you to contact the police and update them on the situation, as both they, and the hospital, have a duty of care to help keep you safe.

    We're all here for you Emo.
    1 person found this helpful
  9. Annie40
    Annie40 avatar
    6 posts
    27 December 2020 in reply to Emo
    I am sorry for your situation. I was also in a domestic violence relationship and thankfully I had friends who hid me away and he ended up with someone else and left me alone. I never really got no help from other sources. Please reach out if I can help. No-one understands how hard it is to break away. They put on such a caring attitude when they hurt you and then straight back to their normal behaviour when you are at home.
  10. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    27 December 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie M,

    You are so kind. Your words really help me when I'm just too tired to fight any more. It was probably my fault that they contacted my husband as I did say that I was lonely.

    The hospital are the ones still contacting my husband so I don't think they will help me. The police are so busy and I struggle to talk to them.

    The two kind police officers who deal with domestic violence cases are on leave until later in January so I need to wait until then because as the police say unless they find him trying to badly hurt me or kill me they can't do anything.

    I'm seriously thinking about whether its worth fighting to protect myself from him any more. I'm thinking of signing myself out of the hospital and heading back out on the streets but then I'm scared of being attacked by that guy again.

    I'm not sure where I should go. Back on the streets to be attacked by a stranger or go home and be abused by my husband. I don't think I have an alternative.

    I don't want to bother Safe Steps again as I've contacted them a few times for advice and help so I've probably used them as much as I should do. There are other people who deserve their help more than I do.

    I think that while I'm wasting their time talking about my problems they could be on the phone helping someone else who really deserves their help.

    I just truly hate myself sometimes. My husband has put me down so much and told me that I don't deserve to breathe the same air as him and that I should just kill myself and do the world a favour. I don't know what to believe about myself anymore.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  11. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    27 December 2020 in reply to Annie40

    Hi Annie40,

    Thank you for reaching out to me. It is such a help to be able to discuss domestic violence amongst people who have been through it.

    I have been very blessed that other community members who have been through it have made contact with me through my posts. On the other hand it makes me so sad that other people are having to go through it as well.

    I'm so glad that you had friends that could help you. I have tried to reach out for help because I'm completely on my own. My own mother tells me that I just need to put up with it as its just part of marriage.

    Do I really need to put up with it? I'm just really confused about what my next step will have to be as I need to decide whether I leave the hospital and go back to him or not? I just wish someone could help me and take me away from the pain of it all.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  12. Annie40
    Annie40 avatar
    6 posts
    27 December 2020 in reply to Emo

    What state do you live in? No that is not part of marriage and I know you know that as well.

    I had no help from my mum who just told me I am a horrible person going out with a horrible man and my sister was telling everyone I was being beaten up my my partner.

    Was so messed up. I was offered woman refuge as well but it scare me I loved my home and animals too much.

    Do you have kids? For me it was much easier because I didn’t have any. I can’t say don’t go back because I went back hundreds of times. I caught him cheating which made it easier for me to leave. I just hope you get out before it’s too late. Big hug xo❤️

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    27 December 2020 in reply to Emo
    Hi Emo,

    We are so sorry to hear that you are struggling and concerned for your safety. At the moment staying in the hospital seems like the better alternative until you can work out your next plan. We urge you to contact Safe Steps  1800 015 188  and let them know about all that has been happening. There is no judgment from the lovely folks working at Safe Steps and they are here for you. You deserve their help as much as anyone else and even if you keep contacting them, that's totally fine and it has no impact on the assistance you deserve and will be given. So please continue to contact Safe Steps and work out your plan once you are released from the hospital. For more general support, you can always contact 1800RESPECT. 

    Take care Emo and know that you are not alone.
    1 person found this helpful
  14. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    9849 posts
    27 December 2020 in reply to Emo

    Dearest Emo....🤗..

    I am sorry that your that your in such a bad situation...

    Emo...you have and still are such a very brave women..I admire you for you for being so brave..

    No you don’t deserve this..no one deserves what you have and still are going through...

    He is doing something very bad..he is hurting you physically and mentally....put you into hospital which you needed surgery for...

    I am going to ask you a question....Would you do to someone else what your husband is doing to you? I know your answer will be No...and that’s because your a beautiful person.....and you wouldn’t do the same as your husband is doing to you to anyone else because you know it’s so wrong....it’s a criminal offence!...

    You have so much courage, Please I know you said before that your scared to do this..just gather up a little bit more courage and please..for your safety and well being...charge him with assault....because it will give you immediate freedom from any more abuse...through your words here lovely lady...I can see he will never change..and needs to be punished for what’s he has been doing to you...I think deep down in your heart you know this...

    Dear Emo..As our lovely Sophie has said..you deserve help just as much as anyone else does...Please stay in hospital, you are safe their..he cannot harm you in hospital and won’t because if he does..the police will step in immediately and take him to jail,,,,he knows that...so he won’t hurt you while your in hospital...please stay in hospital Emo....talk to your case manager, safe steps, Please do everything possible for your safety.....hugs 🤗 precious lady..

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  15. quirkywords
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    14345 posts
    27 December 2020 in reply to Emo

    Emo

    you are such a brave and honest person.. You have the support of everyone who has posted and all those reading your post. Your kindness and good nature despite what has happened to you shines through your words.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    27 December 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hi Emo,

    I'd like to encourage you to reach out to as many people as you can to help you right now. You do deserve to be safe, cared for and looked after.

    SophieM has offered suggestions of people to contact. Keep in touch with the them, call them as many times as you need to.

    One thing I have noticed, is that a person can appear to be caring and supportive when out in public, how they behave behind closed doors can be a very different story. Hospital staff may think your husband is okay. They don't live with him or his abuse.

    I hope you can stay in the hospital until you do have somewhere safe to go and not out on the streets. I have no idea what it is like trying to secure a safe place to live. I do so hope you are able to get the assistance you need.

    I don't know what to suggest. Please know you are worth all the help you can get right now.

    Wishing you all the care you need, regards from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    28 December 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie M,

    Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I've called Safe Steps three times and they've been so kind each time I've talked to them. I just feel like others deserve more help than me.

    I think I just really struggle with feeling like I'm worth anything after years of verbal abuse from my husband. Every hurtful name he's called me has broken down my self worth.

    I just don't know how I can feel good about myself again. How do I work on starting to feel good about myself again?

    I'm supposed to leave the hospital tomorrow. I've been trying to get things organised but places have been closed so it looks like I will have to live on the streets again.

    I'm just so sick of trying to fight for my safety. I'm thinking of just giving up and going back home to my husband and the abuse.

    I feel like I'll either be abused by my husband or the guy on the streets. Its not much of a choice. I've fought for so long that I'm just too tired to do it.

    Maybe he won't abuse me that badly. I'm not sure if I care what happens to me anymore. I've been really struggling today. I just can't see a safe way to live my life.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  18. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    28 December 2020 in reply to Emo
    Hey Emo,

    Thank you for posting and letting us know how you're doing. We're so sorry to hear you've been struggling today and experiencing these difficult feelings and thougths around worthiness. You've done so well so far and we really encourage you to keep showing up for yourself. 

    It's really important that you find a way to stay safe and not return to an abusive situation with your husband. It's great that you contacted Safe Steps, please continue to contact them and keep them updated on your situation. Let them know what you're thinking and make a plan together to keep you safe for the next while when you're no longer at the hospital. Also keep the police updated so that they know what's going on.

    We strongly encourage you to chat with a counselor at 1800RESPECT to talk through the feelings of unworthiness and their impact on your wellbeing.

    Take care Emo and remember you have supports available to you that you deserve as much as anyone else.
    1 person found this helpful
  19. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    28 December 2020 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirkywords,

    You are such a kind and caring person to reach out to me. Your lovely words have made me realise that I'm not coping with my problems alone. I realise now that other people do care.

    I've had to make some big decisions today as I'm no longer in hospital. I hope I haven't made a mistake by doing what I did. I won't go into detail as I don't want it to be triggering to others.

    I will try to update everyone when I can. I'm not sure when that will be as I've walked away from pretty much everything. I'm trying so hard to not let anyone down. I don't want anyone to be disappointed in me.

    I hope everyone else is well. Once again thank you Quirkywords, your words helped to pull me out of a dark place.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  20. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    28 December 2020 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Grandy,

    Thank you for your great advice and supportive words. I've had to make some drastic changes which I can't go into so I'm not sure what will happen in the next little while but I will try to keep myself focused on your kind words.

    The police are unable to do anything for me unless my husband attacks me in front of them. Then they can arrest him but as they say as its his first offence he will likely just get off without a fine or anything.

    They told me that it will probably just make him even angrier. I'm not sure what to do as they're right I'd be making a big mistake by getting him charged. I just feel like there is a vicious cycle of abuse and no punishment so it continues on.

    I'm sorry this reply is short but I'd promised that I'd try to reply to everyone who reached out to me. Thank you also for your suggestion (I think it was yours) about going to a church for food.

    I don't have even a cent to my name and my husband won't approve me getting Centrelink so I'm starving. The churches in our area are finally able to give out things again after Covid.

    I just went to one of them. They gave me some food and water and soap. Soap is so precious when you live on the streets. I felt bad taking it as I'm sure there are other people worse off than me but I had to realise that I'm in trouble now. I promise to give back when I'm back on my feet.

    I hope that will make up for taking charity. Thank you.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  21. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    29 December 2020

    Hi Everyone,

    I could really do with some help please. I'm really struggling at the moment but to help me get some safety in my life I need some information about IPads.

    I'm not sure what the model is but I'm trying to get one to use to take photos of myself.

    Its for use by the police for evidence of my danger. I'm asking if anyone knows if you can take photos with an IPad?

    Also if you know whether it would have a timer on it? I will only have minutes to use it so any information on how to use it for taking photos would be appreciated.

    I'm sorry for the rather short post but I have limited time. I hope that everyone is OK. I'll try to post again later but if I can't please know I'm thinking about you all.

    Thank you in advance for your help.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  22. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14345 posts
    29 December 2020 in reply to Emo

    Emo

    it is easy to take photos with an iPad though I don’t think there is a timer.

  23. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
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    tranzcrybe avatar
    711 posts
    29 December 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hi Emo,

    I guess what you are looking for is a surveillance app (similar to security cameras) with motion activated or time lapse photography.

    For iPad...

    https://apps.apple.com/au/app/presence-video-security-camera/id618598211

    Don't forget to keep abusive emails and SMS as well...

    Regards,

    t.

    ps. Hey Quirky, thanks for your praise on my literary efforts A-Z. So nice of you to take the time to post - thank you so much, it really made me feel noticed.

    t.

  24. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    29 December 2020 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirkywords,

    Thank you for replying to me. I've used the IPad to take the photos. I'm so grateful for your advice. You are always so friendly and caring. Thank you.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  25. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    1 January 2021

    Hi Everyone,

    I hope the new year goes as well as possible for everyone. I'm questioning why I'm bothering to keep going. I've just had to endure the worst level of abuse due to my husbands drinking.

    He's passed out now so I have a few minutes of peace. The injuries are bad. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I can't contact the police as I don't have a phone but even if I could what help could they be to me?

    They've told me that unless he beats me in front of them they can't do anything. I don't understand how that can be right. 

    I've tried reaching out to legal aid for some advice but unless I can call them on a phone, they can't help me.

    I'm so sorry I'm not sure what I was thinking by telling you as I should have kept it to myself. 

    Regards,

    Emo.

  26. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    1 January 2021 in reply to Emo
    Hi Emo,

    We are so sorry that this painful situation is continuing for you. We understand how exhausted and depleted you must be feeling. We are reaching out to your privately to offer you our support. 

    It's really important that you find a way to keep yourself safe. Safe Steps can be contacted without a phone -  https://www.safesteps.org.au/ - with email and webchat (9am-9pm) options available. Please continue to contact them and keep them updated on your situation. Also keep the police updated. If you have previously found them unhelpful, there is every chance that when you contact them you will be speaking with a different person.

    Thank you for keeping us updated. Our community is wishing you all the best.

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