Hello everyone
It's been quite a while now since I made my original post and I am sorry for abandoning it and those who are/were trying to seek answers as I was. I am here to post an update, but please remember that not everyone's experiences are the same and what might have worked for me might not work for you.
When I was at this point of my life, I truly struggled and never thought it would end. I had dark thoughts, therapy didn't seem to work for me and all I wanted to do was hide away from everyone. I regret to say that I caved into my intrusive thoughts, and I split up with my boyfriend because of the anxiety. I was absolutely devastated but I felt like I was at breaking point and I felt like I didn't have a choice if I wanted to feel normal again. He was also understandably upset but he understood the reasoning.
We did not go No-Contact as you would expect after a breakup. We stayed in touch and still visited each other. I worked on myself to heal and rest, and also exercised mindfulness as best I could (I wasn't very good at it) to feel like myself again. After allowing myself time to rest from the intrusive thoughts and the stress, I came to the realization that I DO in-fact, LOVE this man. I wasn't able to separate myself from him, I still wanted to be the first and last person he spoke to each day and be with him everyday, and I always wanted to be a part of what he was doing. He also made the effort to stick around for me and waited for me. He was always there for me everyday regardless of the situation.
It's also worth noting that due to breaking up for that period of time, the extreme stress cloud I was feeling was slowly subsiding which allowed me to feel those flutters of butterflies again that I felt like I was missing. That feeling of love like before
Once I felt confident and sure that I was in a better head space, I asked him if he would be my partner once again, and he agreed.
Granted, the anxiety did try to pop some intrusive thoughts in there from time to time, but I always reminded myself that it was the anxiety talking and not my true thoughts or feelings. That I have been through this before and it was wrong. Slowly but surely, the intrusive thoughts would pass and become somewhat non-existent.
My boyfriend/partner are still together now to this day, after all this time. We are both happy and comfortable and love each other very much.
I still struggle with anxiety to this day, but its no longer fixated on the relationship.