I just discovered my husband is having an affair with another woman. He is seeing her about 3 times a week, probably for the past 3 months. He uses overtime work excuses each time. It hurts as he is not only cheating on me but also our two teenager children. Due to pandemic, us three often just stay at home during school holiday while he is out having affair. I felt like telling him condom doesn't protect him from Covid!!

Things were not rosy before this discovery anyway. Now I can't trust anything he says.

I haven't confronted him yet, not sure I will or how.

is there a counselling service for me to work through things first? can someone give some recommendations?

Dear Jozel,

That really sucks. How mature of you to take this approach to sort out your own feelings first before confronting him. That's really wise of you.

https://relationships.org.au/ Relationships Australia might be an option? Really any counsellor or therapist could help you as you have such a clear goal, but RA might be able to be involved usefully later if you decide to get counselling together. I'd love to give personal experience on this, but my partner wouldn't go. My experience with other therapists/counsellors is that success definitely depends on getting a good fit for you, which can be hard, but is worth the work. Some psychologists share a short introductory video so you can get a 'vibe' from them and learn about their approaches to counselling. If you are upfront at the beginning of the appointment and say "I'm here to work through how I feel and what I want after learning about an affair. What would that look like if we work together?" then they should be able to outline how they would proceed. You might be able to get a sense from that if this is something you can see yourself doing. If not, don't feel beholden to stay; you can move on to someone else. The main and only focus is that you feel comfortable and potentially able to trust that person.

I hope this helps. I've been there; it is devastating, and I'm sorry.

Hello Jozel,

Thank You for your post and welcome, Im really sorry your going through this especially since you have children together
I think it becomes very hard once the trust is broken and that he didnt even tell you, you found out on your own

You are honestly doing a great job keeping it to yourself and working things out before you confront him

As mentioned above relationships is a good service but also just talking about your personal feelings with someone like a close family member of friend will be beneficial to let all of this out
Feel free to call the Beyond Blue service 1300 22 4636 anytime its available 24 hours and our friendly counsellors are available to talk with you if you need

I hope this helps

Thanks Jollydolly. I will contact RA. all the best.

Hi Jozel,

A warm welcome to the forums. You must be feeling very confused and let down by your husband right now. I think it is a very smart idea to process what you have learned and decide what your options are before you confront him. It gives you time to work out what you want, are prepared to accept, and what the likely scenarios are going to be moving forward and how you feel about those. Being prepared. Not saying anything I expect will be quite difficult and contacting an organisation like RA as suggested by other BB members sounds like a good first step.

All the best. We are here to listen and offer support and advice whenever you need it.

WF

Hello Jozel, I too am really sorry that this is happening supposedly behind your back but the truth wins whether he wants to accept it or make excuses but there is no denying the fact that he has been doing this for 3 months and 3 times a week.

If he says he's working overtime then he has to show you his payslip, which I doubt will happen and if for some reason he does show you, then I wonder whether it's pretending to his boss that he has been working, when in fact he's having an affair and if the boss finds out then his job may be in jeopardy.

He's not only doing this to you but also his two teenage kids who would probably know by the way he acts that something is not right.

Eventually, he has to be confronted and a suggestion is before RA because if it's not then he will only make up an excuse why this is happening.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Thank you for all your kind , thoughtful replies. RA is a bit of a waiting list so I have found someone privately. Hopefully I will be able to have a session next week.
I have set myself a time-end of the month after school has started to talk to him.
Sadness, anger, self doubt are going through my head but I am most upset with him lying to the kids.

Hello Jozel, if he lies to his kids that's only going to turn them against him and whoever else he talks to, the same will probably happen and those who do lie, they get their story mixed up and it's a different story each time.

There is a chance he will say he will attend RA but at the last moment change his mind and make up an excuse not to go, if this does happen, then maybe you need to make a decision for the protection of yourself and the kids.

Geoff.