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Forums / Relationship and family issues / How much is too much?

Topic: How much is too much?

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Rex007
    Rex007 avatar
    22 posts
    8 July 2021

    Hi

    My wife texts and emails every single day of t h e week, several times a day, spending what I can only guess is at least 3 hours + each day. There are two guys in particular that she messages throughout the day and evening. Even when we go out if she has a break she'd be taking a picture and emailing to them and messaging. I can't remember the last time we went out where she didn't do it. And while I am reasonably sure that there's nothing going on between any of them I can't help but feel that I come second to her friends. (She has gone out with them on a few occasions for the day and I'm just trusting that shes not up to anything). Quite often she won't sit down with me until she's finished chatting and if there is some kind of drama going on then she won't spend time at all. There are other problems with our relationship which we've tried unsuccessfully to solve through professional help but I can't see how this is helping at all.

    All in all I feel thaI have a very one sided relationship where I do most of the work. I feel like walking out but I feel obliged to stay because of two reasons. One, I don't want to give up on our 17 year marriage and 2 she is being treated for anxiety and depression.

    I just wanted to hear what other people considered as obsessive when it comes to mobile devices. While it's not the only problem we have it's the one that's always in my face and makes me feel the worst.

    I have tried to discuss how I feel with her but she just gets very defensive.

  2. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    310 posts
    8 July 2021 in reply to Rex007

    Hi Rex007,

    Sorry to hear about the way you're feeling at the moment. I'd like to assure you that your feelings for her behavior is valid, and it sounds like you're both having it rough in trying to keep your marriage together (especially since you've mentioned that, you've both tried with professional help, but was unsuccessful in doing so). I feel this might be a clash in each other's needs and boundaries, where your needs for her attention (the feeling of her constantly on the phone with her friends making you feel lesser to her), and her needs to be socializing with her friends and have her own social life, is something that you're both not coming to terms with.

    I wonder if perhaps, her constant texts and emails is a way for her to cope with her anxiety and depression. As she probably has her own support network to reach out to when she's feeling herself slipping into her dark corner. It can also be rough for you that she chooses her friends to be the ones taking on her emotional burden, rather than you, the one who she initially chose to walk the same paths with you 17 years ago until this day. It makes you feel pushed aside and unwanted, and you begin to question whether this is still a relationship worth keeping, or if it's time to let go and move on because your needs from the relationship aren't met anymore.

    I'm not well versed with the kind of person your wife is, so I'm unable to tell whether her behavior would be considered obsessive or not. Her feelings of wanting to text these two friends of hers are just as valid as your feelings of wanting her attention too. But just wanted to let you know that I'm listening, and that you're not alone Rex007. Happy to chat more with you if you'd like.

    Jt

  3. randomx
    randomx avatar
    2767 posts
    15 July 2021 in reply to Rex007

    I'm sorry op , but just on all the messaging and what to other men , and pics. l know not too many men would be willing to allow her to do that which she would be well aware of , it's downright disrespectful to you and right in front of you no less.

    And l'd guarantee you not too many women would allow their H to do that either.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  4. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15310 posts
    15 July 2021 in reply to Rex007

    Hello Rex, I hope you are still checking your thread because texting and emailing two different men, especially while you're out is not appropriate behaviour and as has been said, not too many wives would appreciate this if their husbands were contacting other women even if they were suffering from any mental illness.

    You may want to call it being obsessive but it's much deeper than that, it's her need to have to call, text and send photos to each other and you aren't even sure of what else may be happening and being married for 17 years is a great achievement but when this begins, do the years together mean anything, probably not.

    I realise that she needs help with her anxiety and depression but this is not the way she should be doing it and depends on the help you are trying to support her with and if she relies more on these two men, then it may be time to make a decision.

    I could not personally be in a marriage like this, I would have done something about it.

    Hope you are able to get back to us.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful

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