Nothing is simple about any of our whole situation , is that even in itself telling me something ? l do wonder , absolutely.

How real is straight forward , that could be just easy and we've all met all so easy when looking for love but all so easy is often lacking in something else. There is also a line l think in difficulties too though , like how hard should it be before it's maybe just not meant to be ? l have wondered don't worry.

A lot of doubts right now. After all this time and many ups and downs and keeping it going Long Distance and with all of her on offs and about faces and back agains but now, another 12mths. lt's a big ask of myself at this stage considering she has hardly been reliable, chops and changes like the damn weather and then there's her situation, who know what the out comes going to even be , still not even the lawyers can say .

The problem is in doing even more time - "trust" . In the situation , in her bc she's turned on a sixpence so many times, in the fact we haven't spent more than a few days together in over 12 mths .

No wonder l'm all over the place.

rx

Hey rx,

Your feelings are justified & very valid. At the same time, I can understand why you've held on so long. At our age w we don't wanna start all over again we'd rather hang on to the good & hope for the best.

It has been sooooo long for you. I often wonder if I could do it & I reckon I'd probably do same as you. Question is, if things don't work out, would you like to try & meet someone else? Do you want a partner/companion or would you be happy to go it alone & see where your journey takes you? Are you confident the moods will settle down, or is this the real her?

Lots to consider. You're amazing with the way you've held on so long. Time to make yourself the priority.

Big hugs

Cmf x

Ah cm , thanks for that.

ldk about amazing though thanks all the same, a bit silly maybe l think. We've tried though bc of well feelings for one of cause but what means even more to me though strangely but bc it's so important in my weird world yet so rare to find, is that we just live the same and love the same life. There's such a knowing, a peace, it's a really beautiful thing and way to live. Mind you it all feels like a distant memory lately though that even feelings are hard to distinguish lately it's just been so long now. You begin to not even know if it's all even real anymore. You both tend to block a lot and be half but half out too just trying to get through really and to cope. And then there's the maybe her cases don't go our way either on top of it so your both everywhere. No wonder she goes so ratty up there.

But nah, l def' couldn't be bothered meeting anyone else not consciously anyway or starting over, it'd have to just happen naturally. l would like to remarry though this much l've realized last few yrs , we both want to.

With this latest l'm back to square one though tbh l know, no choice. We def can't just go on another yr like this with her stresses, mine, the weirdness of it all, l know we couldn't and it could well be into 2023 with any more hold ups.

we were talking about me going up in Feb, to just see ea other again , be real , together again, and then l don't know, take it from there. Now though l'm wondering maybe it's not a good idea bc another 12mths, man.

rx

I don't know if can either. Yours is 12 months, mine could he years.

I hate that you & I are in relationships that are dependent on the decisions of others to move forward.

We are both in limbo. We both have lovely partners but these partners circumstances affect us emotionally, mentally. We want & need to be with them under normal circumstances to see if things will work out but others are pulling the strings.

Do we sit & wait,hoping it will work out? Do we move on for our for the sake of our own mental health & happiness? Do we call them out on the BS they're putting us through? Are they worth risking the wait to see who they really are in a 1 on 1 relationship without others controlling things? Are they always gonna sweep the difficult things under the rug, pretend it wasn't spoken about? Are we expected to sit & wait indefinitely?

I can't even breathe properly. I feel like I'm suffocating in this.

Ah cm , strange l just finished saying on yours that exact thing , you guys haven't even had the chance to find those things out in all this time yet.l glanced this one a few days back then forgot about it though but yeah , that is really big concern of mine too.

l mean we've had a few mths at a time together day in and out , real life me working and everything , l work at home, just us , and also with my daughter one time too. And l mean it was mostly really nice for sure but at the same time , true colours, only a few mths a few times in 3yrs , really it's not much. We have done incredible with the long distance stuff though , except when she starts spinning which with her stuff that's understandable well , now anyway thanks to you guys , but you know , tbh it's also a little bit scary bc maybe she gets like that in real life , haven't had enough in person to know..

So anyway , strangest thing happened for her saturday. Late afternoon of all times, on a long wkend. First the lawyer calls her , tells her she's found new appointment times and she can get her into them in a few wks, instead of 8mths. Then , this one nearly gave her a heart attack, after nearly 3 yrs, an hr after the lawyer call , bloody immigration themselves called her, in person , on a late Saturday arvo after nothing for nearly 3yrs.

Anyway, crunch of it all is that the time spand has been cut right down to only a mth or so again now. So as of the moment after both these calls she'll know better next week but it's back atm to everything , the whole night mare , possibly all done and settled within about 6wks time. Mind you , it's been back to that 3 or 4 times first one was 2yrs ago , but this one atm , looks for real. Wow !

Poor things been shaking like a leaf all wkend since.

rx

Maybe the immigration people are working from home , covid , so she gets a call any old time, just a thought.

But yeah , l hate it too for us both. Hard to believe really isn;t it but one thing l've learned , new relationships at this age come with complications. You wouldn't think they would but it doesn't seem too many people out there have a nice clean cut and dry life going on at this age does it, not starting a new relationship wise anyway.

After this latest turn for us now l've just really gotta wonder just wth. In which direction is it a sign, yaknow. ? l mean this last wk, l'd basically come to terms finally , like seriously coming to terms, of just having to give up. Another yr maybe longer , we couldn't do it under all the circumstances. Now a complete U turn , again, over night. That's happened about 10 bloody times talk about a roller coaster.

Every time l've made up my mind or be it thinking there's just no choice or other way to go, it's happened again. You would think that is trying to keep us together and holding on l suppose , wouldn't you. But like you said cm , l really just don't know bc some bureaucrat with a stamp and a pen could still take it all from us in one second.

rx

Well , she's flipping about again already. This morning she told me she's too sick to have a relationship and that l should go and meet somebody else. 3hrs later she's changed it to we should wait and talk when her cases are done . And tonight she sent me cheap air fairs on sale next wk and that l should fly up instead of drive. Ahhh darlin, just this morning you told me to go meet somebody new.

Just another day in the life. She's a mess and the poor things nerves are completely shot she's all over the shop and trying new meds that seem to making her worse.

Anyway, l'm swaying toward the mid arvo one , we talk when her cases are done.

rx

Oh gees,

I know how hard this must be for you. Up/doe, yes/no, in/out, happy/sad.

I wish I had advice but I think go with what your heart says.

Big hugs

Cmf x

Hiya cm.

Yeah l realize how crazy that sounds and all in one day , but what can l say. She not like that here in person she's one of the sharpest intuitive steadiest people l've ever met , and very focused , very straight to the point . Even she worries she'll go mad with everything this has put her through up there.

Anyway , when l read that back l'm thinking no ones even gonna believe this l'm the crazy one though for even trying to deal with it atm , with everything else she's going through. So l've been thinking best thing l could do for both of us is step away and let her get through her stuff, try to get on with my life for now . No doubt l'll be the first one she calls when it is all over and maybe we see then.

Big hugs

rx

Tbh

l've also had quite a bit of resentment , anger , disrespect creeping in to with all this flipping crap and just saying whatever brain fart floats through her head on the day. l mean a man that loves her, is trying to support her,has been waiting all this time without even having a real relationship, heart and time on the line over 12mths- yet she thinks she can just go on off and say anything she likes as if it's water of a ducks back to him.

rx

I really hear you. Loud & clear.

Is it a red flag? Behaviour you hadn't seen before?

Big hugs

Cmf x

Thank cm,

Nah and l know she's going through big big stuff and it puts us under terrible strains and we're not ourselves and might say stupid things. Even em said through all of hers she was basically very similar to gf.but even so ldk. l just don't know which parts are real any more well , l'm really starting to wonder and seeing a pattern that's becoming a real worry.

Anywayyyy. l'm trying to keep some distance let her deal with her stuff and maybe we'll see later. ldk.

big hugs

Lots of tossing and turning about everything.

l've wanted us to fight for us , overcome, work it out, work through this hard period. A bit like your doing cm with you and m and your situation there. Your hanging in there despite having only 1 or 2 days or a night a wk over 3yrs now and the situation at his place. l admire and understand you making this stand with your relationship and that's exactly what l've been trying to do and have wanted to do with ours.

The trouble is , with some of the things she just sprouts out , lt's felt this last 12mths as if that's been more me than her and l don't understand it with the way she's always talked about her love . Or the way she's always until this last 12 mths said it's all life for us. Because lf l'm honest , really we wouldn't have even made it this far if it wasn't for me persisting and turning a blind eye to her other words sometimes through this last 12mths. That stuff from a wk ago was only the last of many over this last 12mths , among all of the how much she loves me too and her all life talk.

l can't keep fighting for us and turning a blind eye to that talk , can l ? Ad that's the problem. And instead of gaining the trust l've needed from day one in this over time , l feel like after 3yrs l trust it all less than ever bc of her back flips and turns. Are they just her situation and frame of mind bc of it, l''m probably less sure now than 8mths ago give things she's come out with.

Tbh ,l'm at a loss as to how to handle things from here right now. Stay away , see what happens once her cases are through , give up entirely , or what. Things she's said are for some reason really starting to hit home lately where as earlier through this , sure as eggs she'd be back to all lovie next minute as fast as she back flipped .

Trouble is , it's been killing my trust right through and to the point now that l feel like l can't take her feelings when she is on the level, seriously or trust it.Maybe she doesn';t have the character to ride out marriage goods bads highs and lows. l'm really starting to doubt it.

rx

Or maybe it is all the stress and hardness she's been living and coping with added to that , a relationship van be a pressure she feels responsible for and can't cope with .

This is why l've let it go right through and the love has returned soon enough, but l'm starting to doubt it after the last time.

rx

Hi rx,

You make valid points. Could this be how she handles challenges? My concern is how much it's all hurting you.

I wish I had an answer but I understand why you want to leave/stay.

Have you thought of writing a 'letter' like I did? Get it all out of your system, write what you'd like to say to her?

Big hugs

Cmf x

Hiya cm.

That's the exact thing l was getting at and l've thought 100 times this is just part of it. lt's also come out at other times to even when she's been down here at my place.

You know , she's been an absolute wonder woman with her situation, mind boggling but she's hung in there.She's never worried me in situations. l know she'll be the last one standing seen it many times just like with all her troubles atm. Relationship wise though on the other hand, she's never seemed to have much patients with any problems or compromises , there's a bit of history before too and nothing lasting. Past is past but the shortness or them has worried me piecing things together.

rx

But , she also has never really loved somebody before either , not in that actually "in love" way. So if you weren't actually in love you wouldn't fight for the relationship or marriage.

Still , she is with me yet still comes out with these things and doesn't seem to have much tolerance in riding out storms. lt is really complicated though bc of the situation she's in , and also in that l didn't commit properly to her earlier and wanted more time. That effected her a lot bc she just felt like l should have wanted to and she just didn't seem to understand how l needed time.But she also just couldn't seem to understand either that bc of her situation l also needed to protect myself to until we know for sure.

This stuff still often comes out now even if only between the lines in other things. l must admit it's sometimes like she doesn't believe l truly want us bc l wouldn't commit earlier and self sabotages. Added to the fear of her situation , she is so scared it won't work out, poor thing.

rx

Well we talked a little bit this morng. So nice, l've missed her and us so much.

And after all that ranting l can see why things have been, sometimes your just too close at the time for a clearer picture. She's a mess and not up to too much , she just wanted to give me some hugs kisses and misses. Things have been going on but we didn't talk about it it's too much for her atm. l do think it's a combo of things l was just saying though and she's just scared.

l'm tossing up whether or not to go see her , to hold ea other again will remind us of what we're doing this for, remind us and give new energy, but l'm not sure , it might make things harder for her.

rx

rx

Hey rx,

One thing I know for sure, and from my experience. When you reconnect properly ie mentally & physically. You get a good sense of how you feel & if the person is right. As you know,this happens with Ms all the time. Talking on the phone we vent, let out feeling of frustration . We're a little disconnected etc but being together, seeing, highing etc is a whole different ball game. You realise how good you are together, you appreciate each other, you reconnect.

Some food for thought...

Big hugs

Cmf x

For sure, and so much time apart now, it's almost blurry. We've really needed it so badly for so long now.

rx

Maybe you should go visit her rx. Remember what it was like. It may change how she's reacting , make her feel positive & remind her what she's fighting for.

If you go you're telling The Universe what you want. You're showing The Universe how it should be.

Sometimes we just gotta let go & do it.

Cmf x

Yeah for sure , we've planned it 3 or 4 times but with her situation or covid, been one or the other or something else or all of, every time. .

But hell yeah we've needed it badly a long time now. Anyway , just today actually we've been planning yet another trip in a few wks. We can't do right this minute but hopefully. Sooooo, we'll see how we go this time eh.

big hugs

rx

I hope you get to make the trio. Reconnect, sort out feelings. I was thinking, if I were in her shoes I'd probably be reacting same as her with all the stress.

If you go see her, you tell/show The Universe what you want.

If you see each other & things work out in her favour, you started the rekindling.

If you see each other & things don't work out in her favour, you have beautiful memories , didn't finish with negative stuff.

I think you're pretty open minded rx. You're not ready to give up. Make the trip, make it happen, make you guys happen.

Cmf x

Yeah exactly cm , even my daughter said that and em went through exactly the same back through her drama.

Thing is , there's also a lot of things coming out l don't even bother with here and gf just isn't up to figuring it all out together , so knowing how she gets l just let them roll off. Which is probably a really stupid thing to do.

But one for example is she often flusters on about us living in Sydney after her stuffs all done. But l wouldn't live in Sydney and couldn't even afford their prices anyway, nor would l even pay them if l could anyway. And also that my daughter will probably stay in Vic.

So that one's huge alone but a couple talk about that stuff before going further, she's just not up to anything that serious this last 6mths though. There's other things to but this mth of all mths no way l could expect us to start working all that out. l wish we bloody could though bc l really just wouldn't wanna bother or even go any further on that one thing alone if it meant living in Sydney.

rx

Well , once again things aren't looking good. l don't believe it but l do, l've expected it.

l've decided l'm waiting for a good time and we have to tackle us, once and for all. We often get her at a calm time where she's just herself and feeling ok and l need to know once and for all when she is talking sense just exactly wth we are. Reason being she's been everywhere again over the wkend and coming out with more contradictions and just really silly things, l mean tbh l'm just scratching my head.

But l'm not going all the way to Sydney and spending however much until l have some answers bc things have just come out too often now. l brush them off just blaming her stress let them slide and remind myself of all the huge good things she also comes out with to but. There's been too many of them and just way too often now and l wanna know where we stand before l go any further.

l wanna try to talk to her this wk if we can.

rx

I hear you and agree. You can't just pick up & go live interstate.

Def need to work things out regardless of what the end result is for her.

The head vs the heart. I sort of feel you know what you need to do.

Cmf x

Yeah , with things she's still coming out with, unfortunately realistically l know exactly how this is gonna go. l know l'll only be getting conformation really but sadly it's just time we had that and sorted it out.

rx

l know the minute we were side by side again , in the flesh, real , she'd be telling me how much she loves me all over again and all this dribble she talks would be out the window , but only until the next time.

l just after 3yrs still just can't trust her character , staying power and l hate to say it , but her love either. lt just turns and chops and changes in minutes, just too much.

After 3yrs of this l should trust her, her love, her realness, her character, more than anyone else on this planet, but l still just don't and with very good reason. And l still just don't feel like l could commit to her because of what l've seen on those sides and still see all the time , even after 3yrs.

rx

Heya Rx,

Popping by to let you know, my thoughts are with ya. Must be a very difficult decision, to stay or to leave... It reminds me of a quote I came across the internet "If both people are truly in love, they will never get tired of each other." I see that quote as a way of saying true love means both have accepted their strengths, flaws, uniqueness, and is willing to continue living and growing with each other. Anyways, here for u if you'd like to chat more.

Jt

Yeah , that is how it works and it can be so gorgeous when you can just look at someone warts and all and just love them.and everything about them.

Unfortunately though, that part of things isn't the problem. She;s on of about us, happens every time she goes home. Although on one hand we've done incredible holding it together all this time but on the other she hasn't though herself and that;'s the problem and what l'm talking about.

Only this morning l get yet again , l'm too sick to have a relationship , l think l'll need to be on my own when this is all finished [her stuff}. l get things like this and much more 2 -3 times a wk sometimes.

rx