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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Parents Of Adult Children, Did Any Of You Cut Your Grown Up Children Out Of Your Will?

Topic: Parents Of Adult Children, Did Any Of You Cut Your Grown Up Children Out Of Your Will?

18 posts, 0 answered
  1. Struggler
    Struggler avatar
    346 posts
    13 June 2014
    I am contemplating just that, removing my younger child from my will.  This is not just a fleeting thought.  It has been on my mind for years.  I think this will also help reduce sadness I feel everyday.  

    I'd like to hear from parents who experience the same.

    Struggler

  2. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9780 posts
    14 June 2014 in reply to Struggler

    Hi Struggler,

    Interesting post.  My mother was cut out of her fathers will. She had a brother that was left everything. My mother took it to court and got a settlement...a win.  But that was because she flew over to Tasmania several times to nurse both her parents when they had strokes and the like while her brother kept working his farm.

    And that is my point here. If the child hasnt has any positive input into your well being and perhaps has has some destructive influence etc then you have every right to do what you suggest.

    Having the same blood doesnt give her automatic rights to any of your estate in my opinion.

  3. Struggler
    Struggler avatar
    346 posts
    14 June 2014 in reply to white knight
    Hi WK
    Thank you for your thought and advice.  My sadness is caused not only by work situation but by my younger child as well.  She has been physically violent towards me in the past. I think you are right in saying just because we have the same blood doesn't entitle her to my estate.  

    My first step now is to stop giving gifts and stop lending her money.  She can still communicate with me if she chooses but no more financial help.  This way I won't feel used and hurt when she kicks me in the guts, figuratively speaking, in the future.  Then next week, I'll go and remove her from my will, without telling her.  

    I made the mistake of being too generous and tolerant, putting others first to my own detriment.  Now I myself must come first. Sadness fills me 24/7 and I don't know how to shake it off. I am not asking for happiness, but just feeling less sad. That is not too much to ask. 

    Struggler

  4. Struggler
    Struggler avatar
    346 posts
    14 June 2014 in reply to white knight

    Hi WK

    I forgot to ask you this: Do you have a good relationship with your mother? 

    Struggler

  5. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9780 posts
    14 June 2014 in reply to Struggler

    Hi Struggler,

    Zero interest in my mother. She has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder of the extreme type. She is old school, 82 yo now and still a tyrant.  My sister and I went most of our lives (in our 50's now) not knowing what our problems were nor hers. Finally a friend told me to research a book from Christine Lawson about BPD where she describes the 4 personailties of a BPD mother (you can google it). The 4 personalities or traits are witch, queen, waif and hermit. My mother was all 4, totally unpredicatible and revengful, destructive, manipulative and used people as weapons. Finally my sister and I are free, free from the stress.

    We both dont care about her will etc. I have bipolar type 2, dysthymia, anxiety and depression and ADHD when younger. My sister has depression. We survived. We both have had one suicide episode where a plan was made.

     

    Up until a few years ago my sister and I would be pitted against each other by mother. And our father (dec) was my mothers best weapon. He was regularly brainwashed.

    Evil? yes,nurturing yes, and so the extremes of her personality made it hard to break away. In the end my sister and I made a pact. That if either of us had an arguement with mother we would not get involved. Unfortunately I had the arguement and after it mother rang my sister to triangulate the issue and it didnt work.

    It spelt the end of 78 years of manipulation. Had she got help for her illness of course this would not have happened. Some people are stubborn or cant see the damage they do.

     

    I think your plan with your daughter is a sound one. You dont have to tell her anything about the will. Otherwise it becomes an issue.  You can always change it back later if she sees the light.  She must treat people decently and reasonably. You are not helping her if you continue to assist her financially. As I say to anyone asking me for money now (we are retired) "go to the bank....they have loans available".

  6. Neil_1
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    4232 posts
    14 June 2014 in reply to Struggler

    Dear Struggler,

    I have no comment or opinion on this either way - because I haven't really had to experience anything like this - and hopefully won't have too either.

    But I would just like to chip in and say, "You've gotta do what you think is right".  This sadness that is overwhelming you is not good and if it's in some way generated by the topic of this post, then yes, you should go and do what you feel is right.

    Then in a week or so's time, who knows, you may not be 24/7 sad and we may even have a new pic against your name??  ;)  :)  Cause your one sitting on what looks to be a park bench by herself with a sad look is a bit sad.  :(

    Kind regards Struggler.

    Neil

     

  7. Struggler
    Struggler avatar
    346 posts
    14 June 2014 in reply to white knight

    Hi WK

    Thanks for the reply.  It gives me a lot to think about.  I think I overcompensate with the financial bit.  This daughter was 11 when her father & I split.  I was studying for a qualification, passing exams etc.  Also I helped my older child with her year 12 studies.  The younger one was neglected.  

    When I started work I had to do night shift, evening shift  and later even had to work interstate.  I was feeling very guilty.  I provided well financially but not with time.  I am very poor in expressing affection.   I also had to deal with depression an anxiety caused from work situation.  

    I am 59 and recently became unemployed and feeling all those years studies was a waste of time.  The result is a resentful daughter.  I am in a dark place at the moment.  I have not been out of my house since Tuesday, five days now, spending my time mostly in bed wondering the meaning of life. 

    Struggler

  8. Struggler
    Struggler avatar
    346 posts
    14 June 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Hi Neal

    Thank your for your kind words.  As usual your reply is full of wisdom.  I read your thread about your son.  Hope he is doing well. You also have a Canadian trip coming up, wow.  I visited the Rockies and Vancouver in 2007.  Unfortunately, due to my struggle with depression at the time I could not fully enjoy the whole trip.  Looking back it was waste of money, really.  This is what depression can do to people, even an overseas trip doesn't help.  

    It will be different for you though. You'll be surrounded by your immediate family with love and support.  This will be the trip of your life with sweet memories to treasure. 

    Struggler

  9. charliec
    charliec avatar
    19 posts
    14 June 2014 in reply to Struggler

    Hi Struggler,

    I have no input to our situation.

    But  saw that you hadn't been out of your house in 5 days. I totally understand this!

    Maybe try and go for a walk? force yourself to get out in the sunshine, sit in the park, read a magazine. Do something for you, buy yourself some flowers?

    all the best

    Charlsc

  10. Struggler
    Struggler avatar
    346 posts
    14 June 2014 in reply to charliec

    Hi charlsc

    Thank you for the response.  I will take up your advice and force myself to get out of the house tomorrow.  I need to do food shopping for the basic, bread, milk etc.  

    I hope your fiancé can see the logic and move back to Qld with you.  

    Struggler

  11. charliec
    charliec avatar
    19 posts
    14 June 2014 in reply to Struggler

    I often have to force myself to get out of the house also!

    And thanks.. I hope he's see logic too!

  12. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9780 posts
    15 June 2014 in reply to charliec

    Hi Struggler,

    My type of depression isnt the type to restrict me to bed. I get up then wander aimously around, cry a lot, write sad poetry.  And try to work out the meaning of life also.

    But I soon motivate myself. I think of an example where someone has exceeded beyond their dreams, their abilities.  Last week I recalled Kathy Watt, the gold medalist in long distance cycling. She won gold from a plan. She would get to the front of the pack, then pull away. Knowing they would want to catch up to her she'd put in another 10% effort BEYOND HER BEST. Then 3 minutes later another 10% beyond her best. She knew one thing, her normal best was as fast as her rivals. So 20% beyond her very best was unbeatable.  Finally towards the finish line she pulled out another 5 %. She knew she had gold.

    This inspires me. It snaps me out of my gloom. But it wont wont for everyone. But I urge sufferers to find "their way" to put one step in front of the other to get to the open air. Anything to feel you have achieved.

  13. Struggler
    Struggler avatar
    346 posts
    15 June 2014 in reply to white knight

    Hi charlsc and Neal

    Thanks for the encouragement.    

    My younger daughter sent me text on Friday night saying she had arrived back in Adelaide.   I didn't reply.  Then, next morning she texted again asking if I wanted to see her.   I replied by asking her to bring back the house key.  She came in around 1pm and stayed briefly as she'd made plan to visit her father.  I was in bed feeling so sad.  She asked if I was going to disown her by taking back the house key.  I explained I needed the key for my new boarders.  She accused me of acting like a baby.  She asked if I wanted to have breakfast the next morning.  As I didn't feel like going out, I asked her to bring/buy something instead.  She said she'd be here at 9am.  I waited till 12:30 pm and she showed up.  

    I had no warm feeling towards her even though she tried to make conversation.  After about 10 minutes of small talk I said,"You'd better start driving back before it gets dark."  She lives five hours from me now due to work.  As she was walking out, I said, "You don't have to visit me.  Don't feel obliged."  Immediately she retorted, "Mum, I am sick of you playing the victim."  I just calmly replied, "There must be good reasons for me feeling this way.  Drive safely." and closed the front door gently.  

    I am feeling sad now but I was feeling sad anyway because of her.  It makes no difference.  I will remove her from my will next week.   A lot happened between us in the past and I think I am better off without her, unless she changes her attitude towards me.  The chance of that happening is remote.  

    I haven't been out of the house over five days and I must go now to get some grocery albeit with a heavy heart.  Chat again later.

    Struggler 

  14. Neil_1
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    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    15 June 2014 in reply to Struggler

    Dear Struggler

    Thank you for sharing your most recent post.

    I applaud you with your stand you took to your daughter and your final sentence that you delivered to her before you closed the door.  Well done.

    In instances like that, I usually jam up and think about 3 hours later, "Oh damn, THAT'S what I should have said".  So well done to you and also for getting the key.  And oh wow, she still must have a dig at you.

    I agree with you, the chances of her waking up and changing sound very remote.

    Charlsc provided a really good thing - so when you do go to the shops, to get the necessities;  also get yourself some nice flowers - a great suggestion.  Then sit them pride of place in the kitchen, or family room - somewhere near where you will see them regularly - and NO Struggler, don't you dare say, on your bedside table  ;)  ;)  ;)

    Kind regards

    Neil

     

  15. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    15 June 2014 in reply to Struggler

    Dear Struggler

    ps:  this Canadian trip will be a definite challenge.  I've been warming to it of late, but just over the past few days, things have changed in my mind - and it's that old depressive state, where you cannot put words to why or how this has come about.

    I know it won't be a waste of money - because there's 4 of us going, so at least I know definitely that 3 will be over the moon with everything.  I've just gotta dig real deep.

    Anyway, sorry, I'm not hi-jacking your thread with my troubles anymore.

    Kind regards

    Neil

     

  16. Snuffleduck
    Snuffleduck avatar
    2 posts
    26 June 2014 in reply to Struggler

    Well, I myself have been disinherited by my mother at least 7 times, so perhaps sometimes it is hereditary!

    It's a sad situation to find yourself in. I am going to disinherit my son. I have no qualms about it. But it's still sad.

    Keep strong.

  17. Struggler
    Struggler avatar
    346 posts
    26 June 2014 in reply to Snuffleduck
    Hi SnuffledDuck

    Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for commenting on my thread.  

    Sad, yes I live with sadness in my heart everyday.  How did it come to this?  I know I have my other daughter who cares about me.  The frequent fallout with this younger daughter kills all the happiness I enjoy from my other area of life.  

    You always hear that parents give unconditional love to their children.  I sometimes wonder about that. This maybe true when they are little and malleable.  Parents with adult children may understand what I mean.  I feel used and discarded.

    Struggler

  18. Cherpieus
    Cherpieus avatar
    46 posts
    21 September 2015 in reply to Struggler

    Hi Struggler,

    My husband has two adult children. He is planning to leave his million dollar home to his son alone. Not to me (wife of 4 years) and not to his daughter who caused him much grief during her teenage years.

    This is his prerogative. It doesn't matter if I or anyone else thinks it's right or wrong. 

    People make decisions like this for various reasons... some make them for practical reasons, others for emotional reasons, others for financial reasons. It sounds like you are making the decision for emotional reasons and that is totally fine and completely your choice.

    You can't make everyone else happy, you just need to do what gives you peace.

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