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Forums / Relationship and family issues / poisonous relations

Topic: poisonous relations

  1. Guest_3712
    Guest_3712 avatar
    2003 posts
    3 May 2014 in reply to Mares73

    hi mares,

    So glad to hear from you I think about you all the time and hope you are ok.

    Are you sure we're not all related. Wow I didn't realize how common this situation was.

    You have gone through so much more than me so I appreciate you sharing your experiences. You make a lot of sense about people who don't dwell being more mentally healthy / happy.

    As I said to Neil I guess it's still early days in my journey of this part of my life and unrealistically I am still clinging to that tiny shred of , "just maybe". I am comforted to know that when the fall comes I have all of my friends here on BB to catch me.

    Mares please look after yourself and as always

    Be kind to yourself

    Stressless

  2. Guest_3712
    Guest_3712 avatar
    2003 posts
    3 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    Hi Jo,

    How are doing ? Hoping you are feeling a little better. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me

    We do have amazing similarities in our life and putting aside all the negative stuff  The message seems to be we should break this chain and make sure our girls never go through what we have

    Like you I have a close relationship with my daughter and it continues to grow. We never end a conversation with out saying, "I love you" so simple, so important .

    Take care of you Jo and

    Be kind to yourself

    Stressless 

  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15559 posts
    3 May 2014 in reply to Guest_3712

    dear, Stressless, well I've addressed this post to you, but it includes so many other girls who have replied to this post, who are experiencing similar problems, all of whom  have struggled with mother issues, and I say mother, because they certainly don't show the love that a mum normally gives to her children, fortunately this didn't happen with my Mum, but I know how you all feel because there were periods in my marriage that the same non-reaction happened from my wife.

    There is this 'tiny shred of just maybe', but can I say that as people get older in life, they dig their heels in and for them to make a dramatic change in attitude barely happens, as they tend to take it more of your fault, and would never own up as to being their fault, let alone admitting that there maybe nothing wrong with what they done, or if they do would only blame yourself.

    My ex-wife has never said 'sorry' to me ever, it was always my fault. L Geoff. x

  4. Light9
    Light9 avatar
    72 posts
    3 May 2014 in reply to Guest_3712

    Hi SL

    Well your sibs are sooo lucky to have you and you should feel proud of yourself for what you know you did for them.  I have been repeatedly physically and mentally abused by mine so I would love a sis like you.

    I think you have to get the pus out of the wound before it can heal...there's just a lot of pus.  Gross analogy before breakfast...soz.  Just know that there are a lot of good people wanting to see you smile and be happy, even when it feels like there's no one.

    Thanks for your kind words

  5. Mares73
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Mares73 avatar
    748 posts
    3 May 2014 in reply to Guest_3712
    Dear Stress less yes you, me, Jo & think GA all have similar issues. But stressless I wanted to clarify something-in no way did I mean to sound like dwelling on things. I'm so sorry if it sounded like that. It's one of the most painful things in life seeking our mums love & approval & it doesn't matter who else gives support-its our mums we want to be proud of us. I too have 2 sisters my mum would & has done so much for & yet I've never asked for anything-i do all the giving & wait hoping my mum will notice or appreciate me but it's never happened & still makes me sad that when she does die I'll have all these hurtful feelings. I've even written her letters saying how much her love means to me & how my kids never get to see her yet she does everything for my sisters kids. Also not only do I realize she can't show love & affection, I realize it's my need & I'll always have a sadness about it. And I can say when I'm hurt stuff it I'm never talking to her about the stupid weather again because she fills the conversation with trivial things out of fear i may raise something real like basic how are you. So I don't get a word in-yet I acknowledge if she came to me in need or showed emotion I would be on the roller coaster again. But my friend-noone can tell you when you will stop hurting. I still get upset filling out forms or similar where I have to list a family contact & I know I can't list her as she believes I have to deal with everything myself. Despite caring for, feeding break ie & dinner & washing & ironing my sisters clothes & taking care of her kids. I had to pay her if she ever had my kids. It was so hurtful. I think you & Jo are right-the crux of it is we seek and have a strong need for the approval & love of our mum. We each want our mums to care & show an interest in our lives. We feel constantly rejected but keep hoping for their love & approval. Stressless it still hurts everyday that the person who I should be able to turn to or ph & talk things through-will never be able to. I also do things like buy her the best stuff for xmas/bday-im still people pleasing & I think it's such a core relationship that it will always leave some sense of loss & longing. And it's very painful but you go through the relationship dynamics in therapy. Are you the family crisis manager as well? When needed it's me that jumps in first. I just want you to know you are not alone & I think of & feel for you so much. I know it's easy for people to say your an adult now so why does it matter? But I get in-yet than our partner or kids it's our mum weccrave. And like you or Jo said-i too have a daughter & I tell her everyday that I love her & I'll always be here for her no matter what. When she was born I made 2 promises to myself-one that she would never experience real fear and 2) that she would grow up with a strong sense of herself & have confidence in herself. She's now 14 & we are very close for which I'm so grateful. But to end my ramble-Stressless can I say it takes a lot of opening & exposing your hurt to work through the issues with your mum & I'd take it slowly as it's a fragile part of ourselves & in time you will work out how to have a rlship with her no matter how limited or decide to place the relationship at a distance. There's no right answers-it all comes down to- you want your mums love & approval. Most people do. I'm so sorry you have the grief & hurt to endure. But I care very much & only hope I can be the type of friend you deserve-because your very special. Oh & I have to say I've seen several of your replies to people & noticed how you identified the key issue straight away & zoned in on that in your responses. You've given advice the same type I would of so I can see your strengths shining a little more each day. Your friend always-Lve Mares xxx

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