I am new here and this is my first post.
I spent 2 years in an abusive relationship, and then 3 years single and recovering before I met my partner (we are both in early 30s). I did have some difficulties learning to let someone into my life again, and he wasn't really looking for a relationship ship at the time. We have been together almost 3 years now, seeing each other on weekends. We live 1 hour apart and this has always put a strain on things as we have very busy lives. Arguments have been escalating since we bought a bus and renovation plans got underway. The bus is at his parents house for logistical reasons and I am struggling to contribute to it with equal time and money. He feels like the longer the project takes, the more of his life wastes away and now he sees me as holding the project back. We were struggling to find a compromise that keeps everyone happy and yesterday we had a disagreement that will likely end our relationship for good.
I was really looking forward to this future with him so I am mourning the loss of him in my life as well as this dream of bus life. I don't see this being resolved and I am not sure I want to if we can't find a way to communicate better as arguments are still triggering for me and when he is hurt his nervous response is 'attack or be attacked'. I have suggested couples therapy but he is not keen/doesn't think it will help.
I have been through terrible break ups before (leaving an abuse relationship was very difficult) but somehow, I feel even more betrayed that I have let this man into my life and have been hurt again. I've been crying non stop, feel nauseous, and completely irrational. I thought after what I've been through previously, I would be better at coping. I know time will help as it is obviously very fresh... to be honest I am not even really sure what I am asking with this post. I am so exhausted of trying so hard and of being hurt. Why is this so hard and how is it ever possible to love again when loss is so incredibly painful?