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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Struggling to cope after relationship ending

Topic: Struggling to cope after relationship ending

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. DaniellaM
    DaniellaM avatar
    1 posts
    17 May 2021

    Hi all, this is my first time posting here.

    Just a couple of days ago, my boyfriend of almost 3 years decided to end the relationship. He told me that he loves me dearly as a person, but is no longer in love with me. I am really struggling to accept that it is over and I will most likely never see him again. This was my first long term and serious relationship, and being alone all of a sudden is proving harder to manage than I thought.

    As of right now, I can barely eat or leave my bed and do not have the motivation to return to work. I feel as though my life has fallen apart, as he was the most important thing to me and helped me so much with my mental health.

    I am also struggling severely with feelings of guilt and shame, as I was unloyal to him in the earlier stages of the relationship. He found out and immediately wanted to end it, but I begged and pleaded for him to give me another chance. I said I wanted to change and fix things (which was not a lie and I was never unfaithful again after those incidents). He told me when he broke up with me that he forgives me for everything that I did, but was never able to move on within himself.

    However, I'm very confused as to why he chose to end the relationship now, almost 2 years after what happened. Was he not in love with me all this time and just pretending because he didn't want to hurt me? I struggle to believe that he didn't have feelings for me, as up to only just a couple of weeks ago he was making a regular effort to see me, showing affection and telling me he loved me.

    I just need some advice. I am in strong denial right now and can't stop thinking about the possibility of him changing his mind and coming back to me. But I also know that getting my hopes up like that remove all chances of me accepting it and moving on.

    What should I do?

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1568 posts
    17 May 2021 in reply to DaniellaM

    So sorry you're going through this, such a horrible feeling. I think though, that you're very sensible in acknowledging the need to just accept it and move forward. Overanalysing it won't make a difference to what's happening, but will just halt you getting to a good place. Try to keep the focus on you and doing nice things while you grieve this loss.

    Take care, Katy

    1 person found this helpful
  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    18 May 2021 in reply to DaniellaM

    Hi, welcome

    Katy is right to highlight trying not to analyse.

    As a male I think he thought he could move on but struggled to do so. In the end it was too much for him and fell out of love.

    Having been in your situation on 3 previous occasions with all of those relationships over 7 years long, I can relate to the pain.

    So, here is my assessment of that post relationship period-

    • Accept that things will certainly improve as time goes by.
    • Try to keep busy. That could mean returning to work. Returning to work is also looking after yourself.
    • Accept reality- that you are lovable and can give love to another person down the track. I've proved that every time and am now happily married with out 10th wedding anniversary this week.
    • Read- here is an example of how I overcame my breakup. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get
    • Dont expect too much support from family and friends. Grief isnt something easy to constantly try to support. Here we are all understanding of the process.

    TonyWK

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