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Forums / Relationship and family issues / suffering from trust issues and desperation

Topic: suffering from trust issues and desperation

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Mary A
    Mary A avatar
    3 posts
    6 September 2021

    Partner and I have been together for 12 years and seven years in marriage. I am 27, and he is 32. We were together since we were young, and the age gap was not an issue as we were living in Jakarta, and I am half Indonesian. It is commonly accepted, and I adopt some of the cultural values (if anyone is going to call me out on the age gap). Since we got together back in 2009, it was okay in the first 12 weeks, and I started seeing red flags that I completely ignore. He likes to do things behind my back until now, such as texting female friends and liking their pictures. All over his social media, he is following women and would sometimes engage in flirtatious texts. He often would delete them, so I do not find out and asking for their mobile numbers. From my perspective, he likes to collect all of their numbers even though they haven't spoken in years. When our first child was 12 months old, I received an anonymous message that he slept with someone weeks before our wedding. Over time, all of the behaviour above lead to the extreme form of betrayal. Fast forward, I stayed because I felt that I had to, and there was no other way out as I was financially dependent on him.

    I came back to Australia with our first child at the time and brought him here. Things got better because Australia wasn't his territory, but I gave it another go. We had our second, and things got bad again. He made a secret Instagram account containing his colleagues of opposite gender chatting to them in flirtatious ways and other women I do not recognise. There was a lot of talking with other girls that I caught him in, and he would use his obvious trick using promises to change. Very recently, last year, I found he visited a strip club, joined and subscribed to only fans, and he grew to watch porn more often than usual. All of this was ended with him promising me to change. I can see the pattern of his behaviour that varies depending on how he feels about me. He is expected to repeat the pattern when we are in a fight because sometimes, when things are well, I still caught him.

    I don't trust him. Respect is non-existent, and I feel stuck. I wanted to have a family but not this way. If I leave, he will always try to win me back, and when he does, he will go back to his old ways and funnily, I always ended up not leaving him. Every day I see myself wasting my life away, empowering him to take control over my life due to my inability to choose me and move on. I HATE MYSELF
  2. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    james1 avatar
    2950 posts
    6 September 2021 in reply to Mary A

    Hey Mary A,

    I'm sorry to hear you are really struggling with trust issues in your relationship. It sounds like your partner has continually broken your trust and you are finding it really hard to move on from this. I understand you feel like each day that you stay just empowers him to keep doing this, and I can understand if you are concerned that this could continue and get worse.

    It sounds horrible to feel as stuck as you have spoken about, and I understand there is an element of being financially dependent on him. If you don't mind me asking, is separating an option for you? If there was a way to manage the finances, and if you were properly supported, would you want to consider separation?

    James

  3. HappyHelper88
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    HappyHelper88 avatar
    108 posts
    7 September 2021 in reply to Mary A

    Hey Mary A,

    Thank you for your post and i am so sorry that your partner has broken your trust many times and having a family together makes things even harder.

    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you.
    If you want to talk this through with a Beyond Blue counsellor, we’re on 1300 22 4636 or you can reach us on webchat here. It can really help to talk things like this through.
    Feel free to keep sharing, other members will likely be able to relate to what you’re going through.

  4. Mary A
    Mary A avatar
    3 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to james1

    Hi James,

    My only issue that the moment he knows that I am going to leave is the moment where he will make it difficult. I am earning more than him however I do not have savings that allows me to just leave and take the kids. If I get a proper support, professional help and protection I will leave without a doubt.

  5. Sophia16
    Community Champion
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    Sophia16 avatar
    129 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to Mary A

    Hey Mary,

    I am truly sorry about what you are going through. I can see you are feeling helpless and enraged. It truly breaks my heart to see you feel this way.

    It is horrible what your husband is doing. You deserve so much better.

    Try and research some ways where you can get proper protection. Do you have any loved ones you trust that can help you? Maybe getting a lawyer?

    Please stay safe and I am here to chat if you need.

  6. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • China
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    james1 avatar
    2950 posts
    27 September 2021 in reply to Sophia16

    Hi Mary A,

    That's sounds like a really tough situation to be in, where you don't have the support you need to do what you think is best. There may be some services available to you, which can help.

    Have you heard of Relationships Australia? They specialise in these kinds of problems and my understanding is that they do provide support or at least advice to people who want to leave, but are unable to due to their financial situation, or even pressure from their spouse. https://relationships.org.au/relationship-advice/relationship-advice-sheets/ending-a-relationship-1

    Hope you are doing okay these last couple of weeks.

    James

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