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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Trying for a fresh start - Need to work on myself Help

Topic: Trying for a fresh start - Need to work on myself Help

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Wanttogetitright
    Wanttogetitright avatar
    1 posts
    6 May 2021

    At the start of this year I ended my 15yr marriage. I felt so free and all my friends were supportive and very happy for me.

    I have since met a new man who I feel is the man of my dreams and I want to get it right this time. I have CPTSD from childhood sexual assaults and a Very abusive mother she is a full blown Nassist. I have huge abandonment issues and every time I don't get my own way I can not control in emotions and frustration. I then have a tantrum I cry and get angry.

    I want so badly to stop this behaviour but I don't know how.

    What techniques and resources have people found to help them over come such poor behaviours and interactions.

    Thanks everyone I really want to be well.

  2. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    Croix avatar
    10347 posts
    7 May 2021 in reply to Wanttogetitright

    Dear Wanttogetitright~

    Welcome here to the Forum, I'm sure if you browse around you will find many who have some problems that are similar to yours. It can help.

    I don't know any magic fix, and before I say anything may I ask if you are undergoing treatment for these mental injuries that have been a part of your life for so long? As someone with PTSD and anxiety amongst other things I may have a glimpse of some of your problems - perhaps. I only started to improve with the correct meds and therapy - which is why I ask.

    There are a couple of things I do, well strictly speaking my partner and I do together. The first is that neither of us, no matter how upset or angry, EVER says anything really hurtful or cannot be taken back. An aid to this is to pause for a few seconds before starting, that breathing space helps.

    As an example if someone threatened divorce that breaks a bond, and I'm not sure it could be repaired. The relationship would be different and less close from then on. This is a very hard discipline to follow, mistakes-followed by INSTANT corrections can occur, but better they do not happen.

    The second thing is for the partner to know when their mate goes off the deep end, is hugely angry and upset that they do not take it personally, they realise it is symptoms coming to the fore and let it de-escalate.

    That to is hard, the impulse to be angry back -or feel guilt - is almost instinctive at times.

    I dunno if this helps, I hope so

    Croix

  3. S D
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    S D avatar
    58 posts
    7 May 2021 in reply to Wanttogetitright

    Hi Wanttogetitright,

    Thanks for your post and so sorry to hear about what you went through during your childhood, no one deserves to have gone through this kind of assault and it makes sense that it has left you with difficulties in regulating your emotions. My thoughts on how to cope when we feel we are losing our ability to control our frustration and other emotions is to first be very kind to ourselves and understand that it is very normal to feel this way and we do not need to suppress it entirely. Sometimes the most powerful thing to do when we feel this intensity to find a quiet place where we can actually sit with the emotions and honour them. For example, if there is a room where we can be alone and cry, scream/ do whatever we need to do to let the emotions run their course so we can start to feel better. Sometimes it has to come up to come out. Perhaps even just closing our eyes, and really allowing the emotion in, face it rather than run away from it. Be with it for as long as it takes until you start to feel a shift. Because the good news is the feeling can't last for ever, no matter how bad it feels. I've heard a lot of people have found that when they feel really frustrated or stuck screaming into a pillow can help (primal screaming). This one is probably easier to do if you're alone and won't worry anyone who can hear you nearby, however there is something to be said for expressing ourselves in these moments rather then trying to 'keep it together' or sweep it under the rug. If yelling isn't an option maybe doing a stream of consciousness where you allow yourself to write down every thought, feeling etc thats on your mind until you start to feel some alleviation. I hope this helps!

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