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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / 21 year old female student at breaking point

Topic: 21 year old female student at breaking point

21 posts, 0 answered
  1. 21 act f student
    21 act f student  avatar
    1 posts
    29 June 2013

    I have no idea what to do anymore and 

    how to be? I am a 21 year old female 

    i have an autistic brother and a sister with bipolar schizophrenia.

    My parents have been controlling my whole life setting goals 

    and wanting to achieve something, a career a family etc.

    They suggested for 2013 I move in with my 18 year old sister 

    land live in apartment with her whilst we both study at the ssame university. 

    We often fight at times and have different morals in life, I was concerned

    about her sleeping with her supervisor at work enforced my parents and it

    all went wrong. My sister told them about my personal life

    i have been seeing a bisexual 22 year old man, my parents said to me 

    they were disgusted by me and my choices and why I continue to hurt them.

    let me clarify I am 21 years old enrolled in masters have a bachelor degree 

    started university at 17, whilst having a part time job and part time classes at cit.

    I believe I am bisexual, I cried over the phone once trying to tell my mother

    I couldn't tell her, she says open how she feels about gay people it's not

    normal, disgusting, a bad lifestyle. I never want to hurt my family with seeing a 

    bisexual 22 year old man. They can't believe an educated woman would make such a 

    stupid decision etc. I also applied for Finland for semester 2 exchange and found on a Friday

    night through email I wasn't accepted due to high demand in exchange students. I was crying and 

    At that point in life I wanted to kill my self, I was intoxicated from a bar event that night and if I 

    hadnt had my bisexual 22 year old man to talk to me I think I would of done something 

    incredibly stupid. I'm afraid of my sanity, I never knew what normal is what is crazy, 

    due to witnessing the mental break down of my older sister and having an autistic brother.

    my parents are giving me two choices 1. Seek medical help, get medicine, figure what mental illness

    I have slowly be forgiven by them but they will always remember all the trouble I caused or 

    go with the 22 year old man never speak to them, I would be nothing to them. 

    I still don't understand why I am being punished for sleeping with a bisexual man and my sister

    is sleeping with her supervisor from work and nothing said to her.


    Below is the email

    Hello Eem
     
    Mum & I want you to break off any kind of relationship you have been having with Male. 
    Not only is a risk to your health, as he is a male bisexual, it is stupid and not appropriate. Not something we would have ever expected from you. We are disappointed.
     
    Please delete all your facebook details on him. You posting details reflects badly on the whole family.
     
    If you don’t want to do this and become the person that you should be. Then you are by all means you free to leave the family and the apartment anytime. I will not be financially or other ways supporting you from then onwards. You will be the black sheep of the family.
    Over 3 years it cost us over $80,000 to support you and this is the thanks and respect that we get.
     
    I suggest you get health checks and tests as may be required particularly if you had any unprotected sex with a bisexual. Don’t know what s going through your head. As we suggested seek medical counselling as soon as you can, as per our previous email. You may be having early stages of some sort of psychological or other mental health problem. The early you address it the better the outcome. Get to a doctor and get assessment and support.
     
    The future is simple - do the right things, study and work, and you will get somewhere in life.
    Concentrate on study and work for now. You said to me that you want to find a guy to settle down when you were here. But you also said some very inappropriate and worrying things when you were here also. We are concerned for you but will not tolerate stupidity and non-compliance to our advise.
     
    I want you to reply to my email (s). You can phone if you wish.
    I will be coming there by next weekend to meet and talk to you and A####.
    We have quite a few issues to sort out.
     
    I want to see a email reply or phone call very soon.
  2. The Real David Charles
    The Real David Charles avatar
    1014 posts
    29 June 2013

    Dear 21,

    Fear Not,   Long Term Responder David is here ! I Vow to Respond Fairly and Without Prejudice !   I Can Fix Your Breaking Point with........Tough Love !

    Congratulations on getting through college to the point of a Masters.  Congratulations for putting up with your sister who dobs on you.   Congratulations for coming on Beyondblue and spilling your guts.  Congratulations for have a great relationship with someone you love and around the same age.  Congratulations for recognising that your parents expectations are nothing more than control, control, control, control, control, control, control, control, control, control and maybe control.  Did I mention control ?  Anyway, there's a mega deathful of control in what they emailed.  And maybe control.  Mmmm.  Might have missed something - ah, yes, control.  Have I found your sense of humour yet ?

    Do you feel better about yourself now that Beyondblue has given you the opportunity to be ventful and honest ?   I really think you need building up.   Uni is the place for sex.   You actually have what's called "a relationship".  You are allowed to date who you want.  It's your life.  There's only one thing you can say to your parents:   "you can only control yourself".   Period.

    The guilt trip !  Wow, baby !   What do they say - "Over 3 years it cost us over $80,000 to support you and this is the thanks and respect we get".    How about your angle.  "Over 3 years I have celebrated my life as an adult and individual and you have been mighty proud of me and even told Aunt Doris that you have not one, but two, girls at university and aren't they wonderful ?  Over 3 years you decided to support me and I am thankful of the study support but this does not make me your pet monkey to clash my little cymbals when you pay for the academic tune.   Over 3 years I have respected your choice to support me with $80,000 by not dropping out of any courses and causes money to be wasted but to get on with a full career and obtain a Masters degree".   That kind of thing.  The money is crap.   Who cares ?  

    Welcome to the concept of Unconditional Love.    The sort of feeling that you love your son or daughter NO MATTER WHAT.  You support them in their choices as they are THEIR choices.  You don't interfere.  You let them make mistakes.  You let them learn.   You shut the hell up instead of becoming Policemen, Judge, Executioner.   Or.............to put it succinctly....as a parent you respect your daughters choices.    You might not agree with them but, hey, it's none of your business.  Back off.

    Oh, and the bit about your man being a bisexual.  If it wasn't that it would be your partners colour of skin, economic background, whether he had a Zulu Warrior 10 inch penis or a Man About Town 6 inches, etc.   The guy is your emotional and physical support.    It's really your call.

    Don't buy  into it.   What you decide now will affect how you let you controlling parents treat you for the rest of your life.  Forget the sister/supervisor shagging contest.  That's not in the equation.  By mentioning that you are only mirroring your own parents futile, ignorant attempt to control you.    You should be celebrating the fact that you sister has a good relationship.  Not nitpicking.  Otherwise,  der, der, da, da, dum, you are being like you Mummy and  Daddy TO YOUR SISTER !  Argh ! Quick, call the Exorcist.

    I had the same thing with my Indian wife - English parents did the guilt trip.  I moved to Sydney to avoid it all.  That was 23 years ago and they're still trying to control me.  Human nature - don't you love it ?

    Adios, David.

    PS  I must apologise for such a long response.   Kind of hit a nerve.  You know you've won when money is used as part of the arguement.   Maybe they should remember that it might be you that has to decide whether to switch off the life support machine...............cue money arguement.  "But it's cost me and my sister $50,000 already to keep this machine running".  We should cut it off.   Frankly, I don't even know why you are reading their emails or talking to them.   I don't.  Thanks for the therapy.  I might not be bisexual but I am bipolar.  Live Free.

  3. TristanM
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    TristanM avatar
    13 posts
    29 June 2013 in reply to 21 act f student

    Hi, 

    Your story sounds quite sad, and I am very sorry to hear that your family has not been accepting of you, it's disappointing. I don't have a whole lot of advice, except that here in the ACT there are lots of support mechanisms if you need it. I would suggest chatting to someone at headspace ACT, based at the University of Canberra (they specialise in helping younger people, and issues of sexuality is one of their core areas). In terms of CBT (though I'm not sure it is directly applicable to your situation) ANU has a great online program with MoodGym. 

    You should also be able to access some form of help through whichever of the two institutions you study at, as both have counsellors available. 

  4. mee
    mee avatar
    29 posts
    29 June 2013 in reply to 21 act f student

    hi :o)

    they do sound very controlling , yet sometimes parents just want the best for you, if u are bisexual then big deal , its not something you can change, id suggest u know how they feel so just live your life in secret and let them think you are all they desire of you , your sister sounds like my darling brother , but he is the result of drowning his brain in dope for years , you are a star anyway, u already have that degree  , i am soooooo in admiration of you for having the desire , ability  and perseverance to get an education, i missed the boat and now am a sad washed up , physically broken down guy in my 40s through years of hard work, i may just became unemployed through stupid agenda based games and i need a hip replacement  , thats just the start of my problems, im scared, lost , depressed, and a nervous wreck , i have made some stupid decisions in my like, mostly based around selecting useless , self serving idiots as friends and i was not ever told "get a degree / education'' my parents were just average working class people it was "get a job" ,so i did the whole 'use my spare time via tv or hanging around do nothing useful' instead of studying like yourself '''''''''' oh if only i had used my one brain cell '''''''''''

    remember, you are you and be proud of you and be yourself because everybody else is taken

    :o)

  5. TristanM
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    TristanM avatar
    13 posts
    29 June 2013 in reply to 21 act f student

    And, it may be cold comfort, but if your family does not embrace and accept you, I'm sure there will be plenty of others here in Canberra who will, even though it may be difficult to see that currently

  6. S.A.D.
    S.A.D. avatar
    265 posts
    30 June 2013 in reply to 21 act f student

    I am in a similar situation. I don't know what to do. When I received this type of message from my father, I called his bluff and cut off contact, my access to his money, everything, but he wouldn't give up his control over me. He says it's for my own good. I stopped getting money, but they won't leave me alone. I am also at university, so I can't run away, I don't know what to do. Why can't they show us some respect? Why does respect only go one way? I called him on this too, and fought back. We fight every time we see each other now. The emails are even worse. he says everything I do or say is wrong. He says he is God, a perfect being, and can't be wrong.

    Does anyone have any advice for us? I can't go to my mother for help. She is just as much a victim, and goes along with whatever God says. He was hurting her for so many years, so she left, they divorced, and she has her own life now, but God still has control over her. She won't speak against him for any reason. He has brainwashed her. Leaving him saved her life, and hurt him, so God takes his wrath out on me now, even for little things. Nothing is good enough, everything is criticized and complained about, there is always an unacceptable flaw or it wasn't done fast enough.

    This is generating a fight or flight response within me, and God calls it "discipline" as if it were not only good parenting, but necessary. He has a duty to be hard on me, and he feels like a failure to be kind, gentle, caring, nurturing, loving. He was brainwashed into this line of thinking by his parents, and so it is that generational abuse continues, but it stops here. I am never having children. I refuse to inflict this criminal behaviour on innocent kids.

    As for you, I suggest you pass off your laptop to your bisexual partner, and have him write your response. You are bubbling with anger, frustration and confusion, and probably also shame, fear, regret, sadness, and 100 other emotions. Put your name at the bottom of whatever he writes and send it. Sometimes we have to put our trust in others when our own mind is clouded with emotional pain. When they come to visit, tell them you've been conversing with him, not you. That should shake them out of their homophobia.

  7. The Real David Charles
    The Real David Charles avatar
    1014 posts
    30 June 2013 in reply to TristanM

    Dear Tristan M,

    Put a bit more succinctly than my first response !  Well done.  Had a couple more thoughts:

    Sometimes something subtle helps - I was thinking that "21 year old female student at breaking point" could send a message come Christmas Time.    Maybe gift a book with a message, i.e. "Lady Chatterley's Lover" or even John Cleeses' psychological beat up "How to Survive Families and other Animals".  He wrote it with his counsellor.   He is often a mental health advocate in England.

    Another point would be even if you did get back on track with your folks the emotional abuse might deviate and be thrust upon your sister instead.  This is normally what happens to a family scapegoat.   Someone else gets the role.

    Adios, David.

  8. lukecalv84
    lukecalv84 avatar
    69 posts
    30 June 2013 in reply to 21 act f student
    Hi, I'd reckon you'd live a very boring and unsatisfying life if you did what your parents told you. We pay you $80 000, you must study and work and be in a stable relationship and be secure. You're young and you're at uni, so enjoy life. Be responsible of course, but I find if you pressure yourself into your parents' wishes, you probably will achieve less than you expected. Your grades may suffer, concentration may become very difficult, etc. as a result. Where as if you are enjoying your time at uni, being in a relationship with this guy (I assume it's a good one), and getting drunk now and again then (if you like to!), and thinking about yourself and what you want to achieve in life (not what your parents want) then you will find you will probably do better at your studies. I completed 3 1/2 years of uni doing Information Technology two years ago and I would tell myself what I wanted to get out of my study and what job and who would I like to work for at the end of the day. Now I am in a full-time job (have been for almost 18 months) in the Information Technology industry in a large company (my goal was to work in a large company). While I am in my late 20s and focussed on saving money so I can lay down a deposit for a house in the next 3-5 years, there are times where I still go out and do things I like to do, such as eating out, driving 1 1/2 hours away to go surfing (I'm in Melbourne), drinking espressos from coffee shops and getting massages. Before I had to quit drinking a few months ago (it was affecting me negatively), I used to go to the pub and down some beers (responsibly of course haha) at the end of the working week (man I miss doing that). My point is you gotta reward yourself for your hard work, otherwise you will go stale. Your goal at the end of your study is to get a job so you can achieve your own goals, not what your parents want. But for now, make the most of your study, it's a great time of your life!
  9. lukecalv84
    lukecalv84 avatar
    69 posts
    1 July 2013 in reply to 21 act f student
    I must add, have a listen to the song "Numb" by U2: look for it on  you  tube. This is in response to your comment "The future is simple - do the right things, study and work, and you will get somewhere in life.".
  10. The Real David Charles
    The Real David Charles avatar
    1014 posts
    1 July 2013

    Dear 21 female studnet (in a relationship),

    Imagine you are now 41.  Married.  2.2 Kids.  A dog.  Complete collection of Kylie Minogue CD's and a car that runs on paper clips.

    Your parents arrive for the weekend.     Just as an exercise write down 10  things that your parents might criticise you about in the next 48 hrs.  Aaaarrrggghhh !

    Your parents might not be able to change, but you can.

    Adios, David.

  11. S.A.D.
    S.A.D. avatar
    265 posts
    1 July 2013 in reply to lukecalv84

    "Numb" by U2 is good. 

    IMHO, I think "Numb" by Linkin Park is better.

    But it's always better to go with what speaks to you. If you prefer U2, ignore me.

  12. lukecalv84
    lukecalv84 avatar
    69 posts
    4 July 2013 in reply to S.A.D.

    You've got a very valid point there Facetious. I had a listen to Linkin Park's Numb and what the lyrics are at least just as interesting as U2's version. I used to hear Linkin Park's version being blasted out of the radio everyday a few years ago without properly listening to the lyrics. But I'm a U2 fan.

    Luke

  13. The Real David Charles
    The Real David Charles avatar
    1014 posts
    4 July 2013 in reply to lukecalv84

    Dear lukecalv84,

    It's all Irish to me.

    Adios, David.

    PS   I find the Berlin Symphony's version of Mahlers' 5th Symphony a bit grander than the Chicago Symphony's version. But if you take into account that there is a 60 piece string section of violins, violas, cellos, double basses, and a 32 piece section of woodwind and brass - 4 oboes, cor anglais, 4 flutes, 4 bassoons, 4 clarinets, 6 french horns, 4 trumpets, 3 trombones, 1 bass trombone, tuba, 3 harps plus enough percussion and timpani to fill 14 men's toilet cubicles and still be able to flush, then maybe the subjective nature of my appraisal doesn't do either major orchestra with over 100 years service each to their respective communities and the world justice.  But then Mahler did composer over looking Lake Geneva and elevated the role of the cow bell to symphonic standards.  The slow movement is used in the movie "Death in Venice" as the main character yearns for his love and dies heartbroken on the beach.  The cow bell got stolen and entered Latin Music.  Shall I go on ?    Hey guys, think outside the boogie box.  Will "Numb" be listened to even in 10 years ?   Classical music seems to cling to humanity and embellish our senses without (1) destroying them, (2) requiring another substance to be abused, and (3) being used for any ads promoting anal bleaching.   Just saying.  Add in the worlds most amazing conductors in the form of Daniel Barenboin and Simon Rattle and a few jangly guitars played by sunglass wearing rock musicians might have some competition.  U2 certainly owe some of their success to something called The History of Music.   Whatever that is.  Lol.

  14. S.A.D.
    S.A.D. avatar
    265 posts
    4 July 2013 in reply to The Real David Charles

    48 hours? In this scenario I'd give my parents 48 minutes with time to spare

  15. S.A.D.
    S.A.D. avatar
    265 posts
    4 July 2013 in reply to lukecalv84

    As the second most popular musical band on Earth (after Coldplay), you would be hard pressed to find someone that ISN'T a U2 fan. I am, and have been for a very long time. I have 9 of their albums. I still think the lyrics and melody of Linkin Park's song is superior.

    Brilliant U2 songs that speak to me when I'm down and depressed include Elevation, One, Sweetest Thing, With or Without You, Angel of Harlem, Desire and Beautiful Day.

    I'm always interested to hear suggestions of other songs that speak to you.

  16. S.A.D.
    S.A.D. avatar
    265 posts
    4 July 2013 in reply to lukecalv84

    As the second most popular musical band on Earth (after Coldplay), you would be hard pressed to find someone that ISN'T a U2 fan. I am, and have been for a very long time. I have 9 of their albums. I still think the lyrics and melody of Linkin Park's song is superior.

    Brilliant U2 songs that speak to me when I'm down and depressed include Elevation, One, Sweetest Thing, With or Without You, Angel of Harlem, Desire and Beautiful Day.

    I'm always interested to hear suggestions of other songs that speak to you.

  17. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15268 posts
    5 July 2013 in reply to 21 act f student

    dear 21, sorry I am a bit brain dead at the moment but I couldn't agree any more than what has been said.

    What I can say is that your parents must have grown up in horse and cart days.

    They can't run your life, don't they know about sex protection, like condoms.

    You have done remarkably well to go for a masters at the age of 17, aren't they proud of that?

    I remember when I was going out with my first girlfriend and married her for 25 years, well she was going out with my best mate from school, and mum hated the thought that I was doing this, and she was always waiting up for me to get home, so she could give me an ear full.

    I know that she would have hated the thought if I told them I was gay, dad was a doctor so he would have accepted it, but I'm not, I'm hetersexual, I don't know what you call a man with two puppies.

    Your own sexual being is private and your parents should leave you alone.

    Next they will telling to have 2.5 babies and then worry about them being gay, really.

    You're a brilliant girl and you will find a way to cope. L Geoff. x

  18. lukecalv84
    lukecalv84 avatar
    69 posts
    6 July 2013 in reply to S.A.D.

    Coldplay? That's a bit surprising, I thought it'd be The Rolling Stones or The Beatles.

    Songs that speak to me (other than U2) are Hurricane (Bob Dylan), Man On the Corner (Genesis), Do You Remember (Phil Collins), Sign O' The Times and Money Don't Matter 2 Night (Prince).

    They're the ones I can think of off the top of my head..

    Luke

  19. lukecalv84
    lukecalv84 avatar
    69 posts
    6 July 2013 in reply to The Real David Charles
    Yep I see where you're coming from David. I'm not into classical music itself (but that may change when I get older who knows?), but I do admire the timelessness and the sheer work that goes into it. You got to be pretty good to keep in timing and be fluent like they do considering all the stacks of instruments they use, and I agree. Even though I've never listened to much of their stuff, getting outside the box a bit, I think of musicians such as Sonny Terry, Brownie McGhee, Nat King Cole and Ray Charles (great pianist, even greater considering the fact he was blind).
  20. S.A.D.
    S.A.D. avatar
    265 posts
    6 July 2013 in reply to lukecalv84

    The Stones and Beatles have maintained a strong fan base for the longest continuous period, but the population of this planet has risen sharply in that time, which more than makes up for it.

    I like your taste in music. I know some of those songs quite well.

    I also admire the discipline and coordination that goes into classical music.

    You may find that being blind is what made Ray Charles greater. Visual impairment is one of the fastest ways to increase hearing acuity and mentally map an environment like a keyboard.

  21. giggles
    giggles avatar
    126 posts
    12 July 2013 in reply to S.A.D.

    Hello breaking point

    Well reckon you must know we have all been there for some reason and we are all still here sharing our stuff.

    Since I do not know what information you have gained so far there is something that I would like to share that has made a huge difference to my life and how to deal with family dynamics.When I first learnt about it it did my head in but now that I know how to connect quicker to the process it really does sort out just whos feelings i am trying to please in life. This is a life time process so I have learnt that I need to be vigilant in my routines because I am not going to be happy 24/7.

    It takes work everyday we just do not think that way.

    Anyway you will probably be able to access this information over the internet or on this site through someone else possibly reading this will let us know.

    But we have our feelings about things but we also have our emotions.Learning the difference between the two can teach that most of the time we are reacting to a feeling that we do not possess so the conflict and anger we feel is actually our true emotion telling us something is up. Our job is to connect to ourselves first not anyone else. How can you possibly keep all those family members happy with their expectations of you. As it has been said you are doing wonderfully in your academic pursuits have you ever seen or felt that the family is not actually in control of who you are or even what you are.

    You are still here reaching out and good on you I say because that took courage it is a very worthy attribute.

    I suggest to look at meditation  so you can see sometimes what your life can be like in a relaxed state compare it to what you have at the moment and start making small changes  to see if you feel a differently if you do then thats your sign to start moving in a different direction to your families beliefs.

    I have learnt it is not about others changing it is more about me changing and I have actually stopped seeing some of my family because I realized it was actually impossible for them to understand who I am and what I enjoy doing.

    Did you actually want to be a student? It is a wonderful basis for anything though because of the discipline you need for learning something and applying it.

    All the best and keep up the good stuff your doing.

     

     

     

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