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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / best friend knows i'm bisexual?!?

Topic: best friend knows i'm bisexual?!?

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. lunamaree7
    lunamaree7 avatar
    7 posts
    14 July 2020
    i am female 18yrs old. i have recently accepted and discovered i am bisexual. still dealing with internalized homophobia but most of us here do. i am out to a few accepting friends and my gay brother. my best friend of 10 years is religious and pretty conservative in most ways. she pretends to accept and has other gay/lesbian ect. friends but i don't think she's actually an ally like i think she thinks being gay isn't like real like people just think they are gay or something (hopefully that makes sense lol). obviously i havn't told her because if she doesn't accept then i don't know what i will do without her, i've relied on her being there and being essentially my soulmate so if i tell her and she gets weird about it, distances from me... i don't know what i will do. and I KNOW that you shouldn't keep someone around that doesn't accept or they aren't a real friend if they don't support. like i would be happy not telling her and just hiding my whole life (well not happy the thought of not being able to tell her or hide who i am makes me cri but you know what i mean) but she's been weird lately. she's been acting quite suspicious like she KNOWS!! she searched something on my tiktok and i know my recent searches were lesbian and bisexual (to be fair, i was trying to find a video i knew had that tag so nothing actually gay there lol). she's made a comment about me being so gay but she knows im straight, like almost passive aggressive?? also one of her friends didn't tell her she was bisexual and found out therough a mutual and she got really mad at her for not coming out to her??! like wtf that's not how it works sweetie. i think she didn't come out to her because she isn't accepting or homophobic, but i think she hides it well or something because i can't remember her being like ew gays or anything. today i showed her some pride doc martens i want to die and she's like wow youre such a good ally you might as well be gay haha. it's not weird for me to be liek that, she knows im an ally (was, now i gay bois) and very liberal and accepting. so yeah a few times she's said some weird things where im like OMG she KNOWS! she's acting so sus!! and when she says it its almost like she wants to catch me up?!
  2. jess334
    Champion Alumni
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    jess334 avatar
    394 posts
    14 July 2020 in reply to lunamaree7

    Hi Lunamaree,

    I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time with your friend. It sounds like a difficult situation to navigate.

    I don't believe that you need to tell everyone about your sexuality. I'm bisexual (in a heterosexual relationship) and I certainly have friends and family that don't know my sexual preferences. I did come out to my mum and siblings and friends when I was younger, but I still haven't told my father because I know what his reaction would be and I can't be bothered dealing with it. Him knowing/not knowing doesn't affect how I live my life.

    It is completely up to you when you want to tell people.

    That being said, if she is suspicious then you need to decide if you are going to double down and lie to her, or just come out with the truth. You could tell her that you would really miss her friendship and point out that this doesn't have to change your relationship with her. But in the end you don't have any control over how she reacts.

    I hope work out what to do soon.

    Kind thoughts, Jess

    3 people found this helpful
  3. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9430 posts
    14 July 2020 in reply to jess334

    Hi, welcome

    Yes I agree with Jess, you don’t have to tell people if your sexuality nor seek approval.

    As for having a religious friend I had one (I’m an atheist) and we met at school, the friendship lasted 45 years! But his view is I don’t need medication and should pray instead- that judgement ended us.

    Friendship like sexual preference is fluid, they come and go and you might not do yourself service by relying too heavily on friendships that have large gaps of difference, keeping them a little distance and making new friends can cushion hurt.


    beyondblue topic you are still a jigsaw piece


  4. lunamaree7
    lunamaree7 avatar
    7 posts
    14 July 2020 in reply to lunamaree7
    (continued cause it wouldn't fit) my bi friend said i should just tell her and if she doesnt accept then shes not my friend. its not really as easy as that. its very complicated. like i cannot imagine telling her and i'm just not ready! pls someone give me some insight or advice. i feel like one day she'll just come out and ask me and i have no idea what ill do. probably have a breakdown :)
  5. pinwheel23
    Student Mentor
    • Masters of Psychology student on placement
    pinwheel23 avatar
    35 posts
    15 July 2020 in reply to lunamaree7

    Hi lunamaree7,

    As jess334 and white knight said, it's 100% your choice who you come out to and when you decide to have that conversation. You've known your best friend for a bit over half of your life - you've grown up with her and you guys would have gone through every tough situation as well as happy situations together. I can only imagine how difficult it is to think about what will happen if she reacts negatively.

    I know it might feel like you're denying yourself and you don't want to feel like you're ashamed of who you are - but it's okay to not be ready to come out. If she does ask you directly it is okay for you to choose not to tell her. But as jess334 said, it'll be helpful for you to decide how you'll react (whether you will tell her or deny it) before she gets the chance to ask. That way you'll have a bit more control in the situation and feel more comfortable in the moment.

    It's good to hear that you do have accepting friends as well who can support you if things don't go well with your best friend. Hope to hear more about your journey and how things go.

    Take care,

  6. LittleMissAlice
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    LittleMissAlice avatar
    36 posts
    16 July 2020 in reply to pinwheel23

    Hi lunamaree7,

    As everyone else is saying, don't feel like you're being forced to come out to your friend. If you say you're not ready, then there's nothing making you need to tell her. Coming out is your choice and yours alone, and your friend cant make assumptions if you haven't told her anything. Anyway just, overall, keeping it short and sweet, if you don't want to you don't have to.

    Anyway sorry its been while since I posted, hopefully what im trying to say gets through :)

    XO Marie

    1 person found this helpful

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