Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Topic: conflicted

  1. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    99 posts
    31 July 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo and Lillylane hope you are both well.

    Last night I had my first appointment with my psychologist and it was life changing I connected with her almost immediately and felt very relaxed as we talked through everything.

    I was able to open up to her about everything in my life leading up to me coming out and everything that had happened afterwards.

    So we discussed my plans for where I want to go etc and decided that I wouldn't continue with Shine as she felt that seeing them and also seeing her might cause a conflict.

    I haven't cancelled any of medical appointments with them yet. She felt that she could work with my GP on any of my medical requirements but I need to sort out the details as we move forward.

    So I have another appointment next week and once we move through all of the things she feels we need to discuss she will give me diagnose of GD and then I can book to see the endocrinologist that I have selected so I can begin HRT.

    So nothing has changed between my sisters and me they are being toxic and the only that I haven't been blamed for so far is the Kennedy assassination.

    Last night I discussed me telling my mother with my psychologist and she supported me that I needed to tell her as she needs to know.

    So tomorrow morning I am going to visit her and try to discuss what my life has been like and why things have been so bad between us.

    Lillylane just wanted to check in and get an update about how thing are going with "P" I am hoping all of the document issues are now behind you.

    I have to see a psychiatrist in October so I can a second diagnosis of GD this will be a one off appointment to enable me to get my documents changed over later on. It will also open the door if I ever wanted to GRS.

    I will update you both later about how things go tomorrow.

    Big hugs to both of you.

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Lillylane
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Lillylane avatar
    327 posts
    31 July 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara and Jo,

    So pleased to hear that your appointment went well Kara, and that a good connection with your psychologist was established. It’s so valuable to see a professional you can trust and feel comfortable with.

    P is doing well thanks. Finally received her name-change paperwork. It’s been huge for her.

    Hope you’re able to have a good talk with your mother Kara. Please do let us know how you are doing tomorrow and we are here to support you.

    Hope you are doing well too Jo!

    Hugs to you both xx

    lillylane

  3. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    688 posts
    1 August 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Kara & Lilylane ,

    Kara , I feel such relief for you ❤ . As Lilylane said do let us know how goes it with your mum . Have no expectations perhaps . There really is no reason to seek approval for who we are . Of course the people we love matter enormously , they need educating ( can be done together ) but have to be willing .

    LL , that is so good for P , I have yet to go down that street .

    Lol to you both , Jo hugs ❤🐾💃🌈

  4. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    688 posts
    1 August 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Kara & Lilylane ,

    Kara , I feel such relief for you ❤ . As Lilylane said do let us know how goes it with your mum . Have no expectations perhaps . There really is no reason to seek approval for who we are . Of course the people we love matter enormously , they need educating ( can be done together ) but have to be willing .

    LL , that is so good for P , I have yet to go down that street .

    Lol to you both , Jo hugs ❤🐾💃🌈

  5. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    99 posts
    2 August 2021

    Hi Jo & Lillylane well as we all know people have the ability to surprise you when least expect it.

    I came out to my mother and she told me that she will accept me for who I am, bot that was a huge relief for me so I am now trying to rebuild our relationship. She said she will try to understand and support me through my journey.

    Unfortunately my sisters are treating me with indifference as they barely acknowledge me when they arrived at our mothers yesterday afternoon.

    My youngest sister made a hurtful and unnecessary comment as she walked into our mothers house as I was leaving. She loudly announced to our mother "don't worry mum the cavalry has arrived"

    So I have cleared the biggest hurdle but still a lot of damage to be repaired and can only hope at some point that my sisters can stop being toxic towards me. I will only put up with it for so long before I cut them out of my life as I don't need to be dealing with this as well as everything that I have in front of me.

    Lillylane I am so happy that the paperwork has now arrived for "P" it must be a great sense of relief for both of you.

    Jo you are always in my thoughts when I think about the isolation issues that you face everyday. I wish there was something I could do to help you other than offer words of support.

    Take care and I will keep updating both of you about my appointments with my psychologist as I have another one this Thursday.

    Love

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Lillylane
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Lillylane avatar
    327 posts
    3 August 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara,

    So glad to hear you were able to talk to your mother in person, as I know this had been weighing on your mind for some time.

    Love to you both.

    Lillylane

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    688 posts
    4 August 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara & LL .

    Sometimes no expectations comes up trumps . Am so very happy your mum is in 👍 . Sisters will work it out with mums example hopefully .

    Thank you for the kind words . The isolation I have , in hindsight decisions I have made . Pretty used to it by now ❤.

    My life is one of service , the internet is a good tool for hopefully helping others ?

    How are you & P LL ? Hugs ❤

    Lol Jo ❤🐾💃🌈

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Lillylane
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Lillylane avatar
    327 posts
    9 August 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo and Kara

    Jo, P and I are doing OK thanks. We are kept pretty busy with our kids.

    I am glad P has supportive parents and family.

    I don’t have any other family of my own, and often feel like I’m the odd one out.

    But I’m thinking of ways to address the loneliness that comes from that - maybe some community involvement. Joining a landcare group? I’m sort of thinking out loud here haha.

    BB forums help a lot too.

    Lately I’m drawn to native plants and want to learn how to propagate them.

    Did get to do some weeding this weekend so that helped with the mental health.

    I hope you are both well,

    LL xx

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    688 posts
    9 August 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Kara & LL ,

    I know that aloneness , specially around festive time . ❤

    Hang in with your family . Stuck for words LL & feel very much for you . A bit of you time perhaps . lol & hugs ( if wanted or required ) from the never never . ❤❤❤🐾💃🌈

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    99 posts
    11 August 2021

    Hi Jo & Lillylane hope you are both well.

    This week has been very challenging again as I have had to deal with toxic insensitive comments from my mother.

    After she offered to support me I have been keeping in close contact with her to offer my support to help her understand my journey.

    I went and saw her last Saturday afternoon and things were going well and then out of the blue she started to criticise things that my old self had done 20 years ago and accuse my not supporting my sister.

    She also kept going on about did I understand the consequences of what I doing I tried to explain that I had no choice as we had discussed what the alternative was to me coming out.

    I remained calm and in controlled but I was so upset I had to cut short my visit.

    This stayed with all night and into the next morning as I didn't understand where it was coming from.

    I later realized that my sisters had been talking with her as the narrative went from her to we when discussing anything I was doing.

    By the time my wife got up in the mooring I was a total emotional wreck again I was so upset and hurt as I didn't understand why people felt the need to hurt me.

    I struggled all of Sunday to try and function as I was in so much pain fortunately my wife understood and was trying to support and console me.

    So I decided to go back one more more time to see my mother on Monday after work.

    I desperately need to sort this out once and for all and establish boundaries about what we could and couldn't discuss. All I want to do was to support her but it turned to an attack session.

    We discussed what had happened on Saturday and she sat there and denied that she said any of the things I brought up.

    We eventually got through it but I made it clear that there wasn't to be a repeat of what happened on Saturday again or I would walk away from her and the family as I couldn't carry everyone else's emotional baggage as well as what I dealing with.

    She was upset with my declaration but I needed to make my position clear that her actions and my sisters had consequences for the future.

    For the time being I am choosing not to keep in contact with my sisters and leave up to them to reconnect as I have reached on numerous occasions but been rejected.

    I am sorry that sounds very bad it's where I am at so I am still supporting my mother and keeping in contact with her.

    I hope my next post is more positive than this one.

    Love and hugs to both of you.

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    688 posts
    11 August 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara and LL ,

    In TRC this morning I talked of the collective consciousness , I think in the last week that it has taken a dive , everyone ( nearly ) including self has been struggling in some way ?

    Not sure if that helps a bit or not but when added to your own stuff can be quite overwhelming ?

    Lol to you both , Jo ❤

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Lillylane
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Lillylane avatar
    327 posts
    12 August 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara and Jo,

    Kara, I’m sorry to hear it’s been such a difficult week for you and can see how much it hurts.

    It’s so frustrating when you go the effort of explaining something to people (especially family). And it appears they get stuck on incorrect ideas in their head and they’re not truly listening anymore.

    Your supports are with you (including us here at BB).

    Interesting thought Jo, about the collective consciousness. People in general seem more on edge and reactive at the moment.

    Thinking of you both Kara and Jo. Hope the next week brings some rest and recharging.

    Love LL xx

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    99 posts
    19 August 2021

    Hi Jo & Lillylane I hope you are both well.

    Well once again I have been let down by the system I have scheduled two telehealth appointments in the last week and both of them didn't happen both of these appointments were confirmed two days before the due date.

    I was waiting for a link to be sent to me which didn't happen so I rang the office to enquire about what was happening.

    Both times I was told that they would contact my phycologist and find out what was happening and get back to me both times this never happened so I rang again and was told the same thing and again nothing.

    I am feeling damaged as my most important support person has let me down more than once. I feel very isolated from my support right now.

    I have another appointment booked for tomorrow and I am going to ring today and sort this out because I need to speak with her as I a have number issues we need to discuss.

    This why I walked away from Shine due to lack of support and system failures.

    Sorry that I have no good news but once again this where I am with my journey just sitting in limbo going no where.

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    99 posts
    19 August 2021

    Hi Jo & Lillylane.

    Finally got to the bottom of what happened yesterday my psychologist had an operation a week ago and need to take pain medication so was unable to provide a consult.

    Fully understand it was just that I had to chase around to try and sort this out. Worst part she did try to contact me but sent an email which I didn't have access to from my phone so hopefully tomorrow will go ahead as planned.

    The other piece of good news is I have finally got my one off appointment approved with the psychiatrist for October.

    Just need to finish my appointments with the psychologist and get my appointment with the endocrinologist.

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Lillylane
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Lillylane avatar
    327 posts
    19 August 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara, hope tomorrow’s appointment still goes ahead for you!

    It sounds like you felt very comfortable with your psychologist in your last appointment so I hope it goes well.

    Lots of love to you and Jo xx

    LL

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    688 posts
    21 August 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Kara & LL .

    I am glad that there is a good explanation Kara & now you can continue to move forward . On some occasions I guess a bit of patience is required . The path your taking must have a few people travelling it . Seems like some of the waiting times are long though . Hugs ( ps ) & hang in there ❤

    LL , how are you coping ? It is my hope that you & your partner are doing fine . Come & visit in the TRC sometime . All welcome ! Hugs. ( pandemic safe ) to all . ❤

    Jo W

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Lillylane
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Lillylane avatar
    327 posts
    23 August 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Thanks Jo. I’m getting over some illness, so feeling a bit sorry for myself but it will pass. P and I get a bit cranky with each other lately but doing our best. Would be good for both of us to have a break from work but not sure when/if we’ll be able to do that for some time.

    How are you doing, Jo? How often do you get to meet up with your support group (or is it online?)

    How are you going Kara? I hope you are feeling comfortable at home.

    Look forward to hearing from you as always,

    LL

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    688 posts
    24 August 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi LL , hang in there and keep no secrets from each other . Barracking for both of you . You know the drill with rest . Make sure you get absolutely as much as,you can . Long cuddle xxx ( ps ) Cheers for you both & the kids . ❤❤❤❤🐾💃🌈

    3/9/21 will be the first meeting and no one has responded yet but we ( myself & one other are doing this ). We think may be a while before we get anyone as,it takes,a while to get out there ? Hugs again ❤❤❤

    Hi Kara , my hope is you can be more comfortable now than you have been and trust your gut ! Hope things pick up pace a bit but you are sooo lucky having real live people ( trans ) to talk with ! Lol and hugs ❤❤❤

    Jo ❤🐾💃🌈

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    99 posts
    24 August 2021

    HI Jo & Lillylane I hope you are both well especially you Lillylane there is nothing worse than feeling unwell when dealing with family issues.

    Jo I hope that your support group grows overtime as we all know that any form of support is critical for your mental health.

    Well my home life is stable for now I guess it's been easier that I am no longer living with the expectation that our relationship has a long term future.

    I am able to move forward knowing that my wife can't & won't provide me with any basic intimacy like hand holding or giving a hug.

    Once I accepted this life became much easier as I am free to look else where for my intimacy needs which still is disappointing but I do understand she does care and support me but no longer loves me for who I am.

    She respects me but I need more as I move forward with my transition journey.

    I am hoping that today will be my last telehealth appointment with my psychologist and I can get my confirmation written report of gender dysphoria which will let me contact my endocrinologist to start my HRT.

    Will keep updates coming as things change.

    Big hugs Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  20. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    688 posts
    26 August 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara , hugs and plenty of rest . The rest bit is difficult when the brain and heart keep poking at you I think . Physical exhaustion is a great sleeping pill but make sure you dont push that barrow to far .

    Keep us posted and enjoy the gym , the results are such a huge reward . Do take care of yourself and look after as much as possible those around you , love Jo ❤

    LL , how are you & yours my dear ? Are you feeling better ? The warmer weather is coming now with handful of icy reminders . Do take care and from here you are getting applause , all of you . Huge hugs Jo ❤

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    99 posts
    26 August 2021

    Hi Jo & Lillylane hope you are both well.

    Well I have had a talk with my wife about me moving forward with my transition. She understands my need to explore clothes hair & makeup as I feel the need to find my own style and become comfortable with my appearance.

    She's okay with doing these things but she's asked that I don't do it for now when she's home as she's not comfortable with the idea of seeing me just yet as my authentic self and may never be.

    I also started laser hair removal last weekend on my legs, another new experience for me but after electrolysis not big deal regarding pain.

    We also discussed my relationship status on Facebook as due to recent discussions about my need for intimacy which she said she can't and won't provide me with so I have updated my status to single.

    She's okay with this and told that all expects me to do is let her know if I find someone that I connect with.

    Today first medical appointment with Shine so slowly moving forward.

    Tomorrow another big day as my son is taking his youngest son to the gender clinic at the Women's and Children's Hospital as he could be transgender, so another big event in my life.

    Hugh hugs

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  22. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    99 posts
    29 August 2021

    Hi Jo & Lillylane hope you both are well.

    As we know my transition journey hasn't been easy. I a 24 hour period I had my appointment with psychologist rescheduled 3 times.

    I don't think I will ever bother with telehealth appointments as booed 4 and only ever had 1.

    None us ever know what is coming at us next this week I have had my 10 year old grandchild diagnosed with gender dysphoria.

    The mother is trying to do everything to support her child but y son won't accept this is real because he's never seen it. So we as a family have another struggle to deal with.

    I did have my first appointment last week with the doctors at shine and will be moving all of medical needs to them so that I am only dealing with one GP who is also a gender specialist. My next appointment is on the 9 of September.

    Big hugs to both.

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Lillylane
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Lillylane avatar
    327 posts
    29 August 2021 in reply to Kara01
    Hi Kara,

    Goodness, so much happening for you - I don’t know where to start!

    Glad things with Shine are moving forward for you.

    Hopefully your wife will gradually get used to seeing you in different clothes to what she was used to. I remember in the early days it seemed ‘strange’ to see P shave her legs and ask me loads of questions about makeup... but that seems a long time ago... Now, certainly can’t ‘go back’ to thinking of P as anything other than female.

    P and I also miss the cuddles and intimacy we once had. We generally hug hello and goodbye. It’s tough, it really is - I hear you. Not entirely sure for us what the solution is yet.

    I admire that you and your wife are talking openly about all this though.

    I’m sure it will help your grandchild to know they are not the only one in the family who knows what gender dysphoria is like. Big hugs Kara, I imagine this may bring up a lot of feelings for you about your own journey. I hope the gender clinic is helpful for them.

    Thank you Kara for sharing your progress and feelings with us xx I much appreciate that we can openly share here.

    Hugs to you and Jo (and anyone else reading!)
    2 people found this helpful
  24. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    688 posts
    31 August 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Kara & LL , hugs for both of you ❤

    I can't begin to imagine how this constant set back scenario has affected you mental health Kara . All I can say is we are here and send hugs and hope that eases your feelings and strengthens your resolve . You are getting there ! ( to where you belong ). Much love and care from the never never xxxx ❤

    LL , thank you for sharing to , I once again can only guess as to what and how you & P are feeling as you traverse this landscape you have around you . ( huge care ❤ ) Once again , always here for you to .

    I have friends in Brisbane and they are at the beginning of your journey and very much in love but struggling and I wanted to know if I could direct them to you . Would that be to much for you ? They're not aware of bb forums & I wanted to know how you would feel on this matter ? Totally in your court beautiful brave human .

    Huge bundles of love and hugs to both of you from the never never , Jo& LD ❤

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    99 posts
    31 August 2021

    Hi Lillylane yes it's been a exciting journey so far with all of the ups and downs.

    Big things coming up about to hopefully go shopping for my new wardrobe this weekend going out with one of my girlfriends very excited also a bit nervous but she's assured me that where we are going are very understanding of my needs.

    I have also spoken with my niece who works for a major makeup chain about getting my makeup sorted with training and buying the right things,

    I am struggling with fathers day coming up on Sunday as I am still dealing with a lot of resentment from my adult children. It may or may not happen if they can't cope with me, were having issues right now that they won't discuss with me.

    I am only concerned about getting to see my grandchildren but again it's up to my children if they allow me see them.

    Unfortunately my wife has made it clear though she supports my need to present as my true self, she's unable to see me present as Kara. So for the time being once I have my new clothes I just need to let her know if I am intending to dress on any given day and she will go out until I have finished.

    I wish that I could talk with her about makeup etc but she's not ready to provide that type of support right now.

    At least it's a compromise that allows me to keep moving forward with my journey.

    The reality is that my friends most probably will see me before she will, but that's how she wants it for now.

    Big hugs

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  26. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    688 posts
    2 September 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara & LL

    Still here and reading . Kara , bumpy as it has been you have peers to talk with and go shopping with . How cool . Peers are so very important always but specially at this time . ❤

    I went in to only opshop in big town 130 east and was alone . At lunch time it filled with couples of properties and I had to leave as not enough confidence to shop in ladies section ? Needed a hand with sizing ?

    LL , how are you now & has your health got back near normal . I have felt emotionally drained so many times on this journey . Do look after LL . xxxx ❤

    Much love , Jo xxxx

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    99 posts
    2 September 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo I too tried to do a shopping trip to an OP shop my own and very similar experience had to leave and just felt I wasn't ready.

    I have spent time with my community and have their support for my first shopping trip on Saturday.

    I have also set up my first makeup session in October with my niece who works for one of the major outlets in Adelaide and have a girlfriend offered to come with me just to support me.

    In between I will be exploring my first wig purchase which is a really big deal.

    I don't know how I would have coped without the support around me as I feeling very isolated right now without my family but hope in time that will change.

    The biggest issue right now is supporting my grandchild who has been diagnosed with GD and they are only 10 years old.

    I just keep trying to move forward with all of medical and mental health issues that come with transitioning.

    Lillylane I also hope your health is on the improve.

    Big hugs

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    688 posts
    5 September 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara & LL ,

    Kara the confidence comes ( different paces for different people I guess ) in baby steps , I think peer support is so very very important . Your journey is far more complicated than mine but you have access to peers . I still only have 1 friend and she is a long long way away and off line any way at present . The questions can wait for me but I really need company and hugs . I know for me thats what " I " need but it simply is not there at this time . Try not to undervalue your peers . ❤

    Lilylane , how are you sweetheart ? It is my greatest wish you are all getting there and happiness is surrounding you all . Hugs and very best wishes from the never never , ❤❤❤

    Jo&LD

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    99 posts
    6 September 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo & Lillylane I hope that both of you are well.

    Well last Saturday was a milestone day for me as I went clothes shopping with two of my friends.

    The whole experience was a total success the staff at the shops we went to couldn't have been more understanding and helpful they were able to select everything I wanted to try on and they picked my size the first time round.

    I went in with a totally confident attitude and was open with the staff and told them that I was a transgender woman early in my transition journey and everyone of them were excited for me and very respectful which put me at ease.

    I had done my homework before I went there so I knew what I liked already and it was just a matter of trying on the clothes and finding out if I liked them or not. In the end I purchased a beautiful black floral print wrap dress and a denim jacket.

    We then went off to the outlet stores and was able to purchase a pair of nude colour sandals that went perfectly with the dress. I couldn't get all of the shoes I wanted but when I got home I purchased them on line.

    I am looking forward to Wednesday night as I am home on my own and will be able to try everything and spend some time as my true self.

    On Sunday I going to a friends house for lunch but because it's a safe place for me I will be able to dress again in my new clothes.

    On the 18th September I am going in have my first wig fitting which is very exciting and on the 2nd of October I have my makeup session with my niece.

    I am just building my confidence slowly and working towards that first time I walk outside of my safe place and present my self to my circle of friends,

    I will keep you both up to date as thing develop as I have my second appointment with Shine this Thursday afternoon.

    Big hugs

    Kara

  30. Lillylane
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Lillylane avatar
    327 posts
    8 September 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara and Jo,

    The biggest hugs to you both. I’m still here with you and appreciate your friendship very much.

    I’m back at work which is good, but I get tired quickly. Early nights have been essential lately.

    Ladies’ clothing sizes can be annoyingly inconsistent between brands - as P found out! She found places online with good return policies, which helped when she was not yet comfortable shopping in store.

    Jo, you mentioned a couple you know going through similar situation... Hope they are doing ok - I will have a little think and get back to you on this, hope that’s ok.

    LL xx

    1 person found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up