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Topic: conflicted

  1. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    711 posts
    7 September 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Kara , I am hearing your excitement and love it . I am still very cautious out here but have been having some lovely moments to . The shopping thing is still a bit hard for me but one day I will be there . Is your endocrinologist the one that gives you the hormones ? Be happy & enjoy it all , lol Jo hugs ❤❤❤

    LL , I am glad you are feeling better , do look after yourself my dear . I get you on my question and thats why I asked and on reflection I think you just need to have your journey , they will be fine whatever the outcome for them . ❤ Thank you so much on the Sunday matter . It was horrendous but at least there was a positive . Much love to you and yours and take great care , hugs Jo ❤❤❤

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    100 posts
    7 September 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Jo & Lillylane I hope you are on the improve Lillylane being unwell is no fun.

    I was very lucky with the stores I went to with my friends as they were very accommodating for transgender women. The women who worked in all of the stores sorted out my sizes really easily I am a medium in the brand that I wearing but I am sure that I will run into problems once I shop elsewhere.

    I will most probably for now stay with the store we shopped at on Saturday as they have an outlet near home and a clearance store also not to far away.

    Their on line store is pretty good as I have already placed one order, just need to build my new wardrobe slowly.

    Typical woman already purchase 3 pairs of shoes.

    Jo in regards to your question regarding hormones I have access to them trough my gender specialist at Shine and she can prescribe them for me but normally it would be an endocrinologist that would prescribe them after getting a report from a psychologist.

    Very excited about tonight and Sunday as I will be able to dress in my clothes for the first time.

    I am very lucky to have good friends who have made there homes available to me as a safe place to dress as my true self.

    It's so exciting to know that what I am wearing is mine and nobody else's it's a very special moment.

    The next few weeks are very exciting especially with my wig fitting this will be a special moment once I have sorted this out.

    Both of you take care, big hugs.

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    711 posts
    11 September 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara , I am so very happy for you as your spirits are lifting up now . Many things to come , you are settling now to the journey .

    Am sure you understand how very , almost vital peers with whom you click are. I still have only one and she is very hard to find sometimes . Although I have some very very special allies . My journey has been mainly alone in a physical sense ?

    Do tell us of the wig buying and any humour or even difficulty there is in finding a wig you love . Have you sort of made mind up about your style . Am still working style out ? Have fun doing all these things ❤hugs !

    Lilylane , so much I hope your health is returning and energy levels return soon . hugs !❤

    Jo ❤❤❤🐾💃🌈

  4. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    100 posts
    11 September 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo and Lillylane I am in a good place right now.

    I am off to my friends house tomorrow for day of dressing as my true self.

    I will definitely will keep you informed about the wig fitting and if any thing humorous happens.

    I have a clear vision of my hair color and style it will be a matter if it looks good on me when I try on my first one.

    I will keep you informed as things happen once my HRT starts in three weeks, very exciting as it means my journey is really kicking into high gear.

    Style will work itself out over time.

    Big hugs

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    100 posts
    13 September 2021

    Hi Lillylane hope that your feeling better now. I have a question that I hope is not to personnel.

    I having a conflict right now with my wife regarding me presenting as my true self when she is home.

    She says that she doesn't want to see my true for now but the restrictions on when I can dress is basically when she's not home or if I ask her to go out.

    I feel very restricted right now as she's home every night or we family dinners etc there are very few opportunities from me dress and it's tearing up right now as I have only been able to dress twice in the last two weeks and one of those times I went to friends house.

    What I am asking is how did you deal with P on this subject.

    I am planning on talking the her tonight because I can't be my true self and get comfortable with my new clothes if I am not able to wear them as it's my home also but I don't seem to have any rights.

    I don't wont to provoke and confrontation about this but I don't she's going to concede which might be a breaking point with our relationship.

    Just looking for some insight from someone who has dealt with this.

    Big hugs

    Kara

  6. Lillylane
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    Lillylane avatar
    331 posts
    14 September 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara,

    Absolutely, you’re always welcome to ask anything you like! I’m glad to be here to listen or contribute in any way possible xx

    My P was very tentative to start making physical changes at first. Perhaps that meant there was lots of time to get used to her changing appearance... BUT I had to keep her transition ‘secret’ for at least 18 months and that was tricky!!

    I guess there’s no real easy way about it. Seeing P change meant I HAD TO go through the process of letting go of my ‘old’ image of P. We are creatures of habit, and changing habits is hard! And wow did I struggle.

    P would’ve had the same trouble if it were me transitioning I’m sure!

    I guess if I was talking with your wife, I’d mention a gentle reminder that this is a transition, and that you cannot stay stationary at this point.

    You are ready to progress with your appearance. And this means at home too, and whenever and wherever you feel ready.

    She’ll go through her own journey of acceptance and reassess her sense of self identity (in respect to relationships). This isn’t easy and I really hope she has some professional help. I’m still working things out too.

    Wishing you the best with those difficult conversations. And the biggest hugs xx

    One day, in the not too distant future, everyone will be so used to Kara, they will find it to impossible to see you in any other way :)

    I love the sound of your style already! Looking forward to hearing about more clothes and shoes selections!

    I’m doing an online shopping order at the moment and sizes are always a bit of guess work!

    Lots of love, (to Jo too!)
    LL

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    100 posts
    14 September 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Lillylane I have been having a lot of difficult discussions about my transition with my wife and at times it has been very challenging for both of us. She has told me that she isn't able to see me for my authentic self and may never be able to see me, which is of great concern as we have been together for 40 years and I have no idea what the future holds for us.

    I had the discussion again last night about dressing at home as there are limitations due family commitments.

    I said I need more opportunities to be my true self and get comfortable with my new clothes she said that I can feel free to dress anytime I want to and she will decide if she will stay or leave.

    I am uncomfortable with having to put her in this situation but I guess if she can't face seeing me there aren't a lot of other options.

    She has refused to get any professional help to try and help her understand how she feels and how to deal with all of the changes that are about to slowly start in a few weeks time.

    At the moment I have a great sense of loss and abandonment as I am not having any communication with any of my family as they also can't cope with my transition.

    I have made some very tough decisions recently about sharing information about my transition with my family as it hasn't changed anything as no one want's to know any details. They will be shocked in the future if and when we see any of them because of the physical changes that come with HRT.

    I decided this week that I won't be letting my company know about my transition as I feel there is a chance that they will try to manage me out, for time being I need to protect my job and income stream.

    I know that this may sound paranoid and very negative but I just sense something with the management that it's a possibility.

    I am off for my first wig fitting on Saturday which is exciting and I have a fantastic friend who's coming to help support me, she is super important to me and my best friend who has taken me through some very tough patches recently.

    Take care and I will be back in contact after my weekend trip.

    Hugs

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    711 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to Kara01

    0631 , Hello Kara , it is a complicated time for you , so much on the table all at once ? Take the time you need to decide things . Some times taking time makes the decision for you ? Get rest where you can .

    Feeling paranoid about things such as work is normal as there are so many fluid situations around you . I often ask myself am I overthinking things but nowadays trust my instincts much more than ever .

    Take care be careful and tell us about the wig fitting . lol & hugs ❤❤❤

    Hello LL , hope your weather is warming and things are good in your world xxx hugs

    Jo ❤🐾💃🌈🌛💤☀

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    100 posts
    20 September 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo and Lillylane, hope you both are well.

    Well Saturday was a very special day as the wig fitting went perfectly the staff were amazing they total understood my needs and were understanding of my situation. I wish I could show you pictures as the wig colour is so beautiful and suits my skin tone exactly.

    The best way to describe it is that it's comes down to my jaw line and at the back is about collar length and is a combination of a light blonde with a little bit of grey with some high lights that give a great range of colour.

    The only funny thing that happened on Saturday was that I had to get the hem on my dress taken up as it was a bit long. So next door to the wig salon was a 1 hour hemming service, so I have walked up to the counter and started to talk with the woman about my dress and my friend who came with me was standing back letting me handle everything. As the conversation continued she kept asking my friend if it was her dress and I kept saying it was mine but she didn't understand and kept asking my friend it was hers. This went on for a little while until I offered to try the dress on to check the length, finally she got it.

    All went well and my dress now is much much better as I now no longer get my heel caught on it while sitting.

    Have another clothes shopping trip planned for Sunday with another of my friends for some summer casual clothes as I don't have any thing to just throw on when I get home.

    Lillylane I hope everything is going well with P and she is settling into her new life at work. I am trying to work through the physical transition discussion at home as it's only about a week away before I will begin HRT and I know that this will bring everything to a head even if I am dressing in front of family they won't be able to avoid the changes though they will be gradual some I am sure will be much quicker than they will expect.

    Please stay safe and well

    Big hugs to both of you.

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Lillylane
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    Lillylane avatar
    331 posts
    24 September 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara and Jo,

    Glad the wig fitting went well Kara! :)

    I understand the nerves about telling work about your transition. My P felt it too. After a while, it got to a point when she felt ready.

    Most people at work are so worried about themselves and their own circle, I think they mainly just wanted to know the correct name to use etc.

    Hope you both have a restful weekend.

    Some beautiful spring weather to take in at the moment.

    love, LL

  11. Kremit the Forg
    Kremit the Forg avatar
    13 posts
    24 September 2021

    Heya😊

    Where i went wrong in telling work of my transition was not easing into it but just telling everyone I've legally changed my name and and gender and you have to tow the line.

    Sigh...

    If i had my time over i would have talked to HR and management to implement a transition plan. What i expected from my transition at work, what management expected and how to deal with any problems that will arise. There will be people who are on board, some who hesitate due to their own misunderstandings or fears and then those who flat out refuse to accept you as your authentic self. The latter are toxic and just ignore them if you can.

    It's also important that management/employer lets everyone know there is a zero tolerance policy on bullying and discrimination. And you need to call that behaviour out fearlessly.

    I left my 'coming out' workplace due to this happening to me. Three people received warnings but it was still going on behind my back sometimes.

    With clothing at home one of my little cheats was just to wear women's clothing that was androgynous. I knew it was ♀️ and that was enough hehehe.

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Lillylane
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    Lillylane avatar
    331 posts
    25 September 2021 in reply to Kremit the Forg

    Hi Kremit the Forg,

    I’m so sorry for the bullying behaviour you experienced at work.

    P (my partner) was helped by a coworker in HR in planning her ‘coming out’ at work.

    Having said that, P has worked with some toxic people in the past for this company. Fortunately, the two really toxic ones left early last year so she gladly doesn’t have anything to do with them.

    Lillylane

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    711 posts
    25 September 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Kara , LL & Kremit , still here !

    Glad the wig fitting was a positive day Kara . Much care and love to you all .

    I pretty much stopped working , have only 1 customer now as a disastrous trip in 2019 left me gutted and falling into a nervous breakdown , then covid ? I feel very much for you in all this family and workplace relationships .

    When I meet new people as Jo that is fine as they never knew old me !

    All we have to do out here is just stay alive , like living in the seventeen hundreds really ! There are many 6 fingered banjo players ?

    Much care & love ,Jo ❤❤❤🐾💃🌈

    3 people found this helpful
  14. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    100 posts
    26 September 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo I am sorry for how you are feeling right now as it seems to be a very difficult time for you.

    Because I am working on my outward look I am a bit in no mans land right now but where ever possible I try to present as Kara and avoid my old self as much as possible as my old self makes me feel very uncomfortable.

    Depending on the situation I only ever introduce myself as Kara I have made a decision to as much as possible to present as female in public which is challenging but my attitude is take things on head first. I went shopping for new clothes yesterday and I selected my clothes and walked straight into the women's change rooms and just tried on my clothes.

    No one seemed to either notice or care because I did it with confidence and I new that I belonged in those change rooms.

    Please take care Jo.

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    100 posts
    26 September 2021 in reply to Kremit the Forg

    Hi Kermit the Forg, I feel for you as I about to start HRT this week which is very exciting. I have made a decision to leave informing my employer for as long as possible. As the transition will take time to become obvious I am not prepared to risk loosing my job if my employer decides that they don't like having a transgender woman running their warehouse.

    When I feel that the time is right I will speak to a few people one on one that I can trust and engage the company and give them some time to sort out education for management and other employees.

    I don't have dedicated HR department so I have looked through the HR document and the have only a brief mention about gender identity which I am sure they have no understanding of what so ever.

    So I am going slowly and taking advice and guidance from my community in Adelaide about protecting myself.

    I have no idea how my work colleagues will react when eventually they find about me but I am a very strong, proud and powerful transgender woman and will stand and fight to the bitter end to get the respect and acceptance in my work place.

    Please take Kermit the Forg

    Big hugs

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  16. Kremit the Forg
    Kremit the Forg avatar
    13 posts
    26 September 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Big hugs back 🤗

    I'm soooo excited for you to begin the hormone correction. That's what i like to call it🌸.

    It's exciting and a little scary too!

    Can i recommend keeping a daily journal of how you feel, changes you notice and changes others notice.

    For me i had changes in the most unexpected ways. There's nothing out there that prepared me for it.

    It's helpful to have a journal for those times when you think the effects are happening too slowly. You can look back and you'd be very surprised how quickly some things do happen.

    Yay!!! Once again, soooo excited for you. I remember the start💖

    3 people found this helpful
  17. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    100 posts
    27 September 2021 in reply to Kremit the Forg

    Hi Kermit the Forg I hope you are well.

    I am so excited about my medical appointment this Thursday as I know that it will be a life changing day.

    I definitely will keep a journal because I want to be able to remember all of the changes and the experiences.

    I have been slowly building my confidence to present as much as possible in public as my true self.

    I can be a bit scary but I decided to take it on head first and do everything with confidence. I remember the first time I walked into a women's clothing store and spoke with the girls and informed them that I was transgender I want to purchase a dress. I was overwhelmed by the respect and understanding that I received and it made me feel very special.

    I have since done this in a major department store and just boldly walked into the female change rooms as I knew that I belonged and wasn't going to be intimidated by others who gave me some funny looks.

    This Saturday I am going to get my makeup done at one of the major makeup stores in Adelaide the bonus is that I can take a support person and I am getting my make done by my niece who works there.

    Only two weeks ago I purchase my first wig as unfortunately I am a late starting my transition and I bald as I have lived with GD for 50 years.

    Please keep up the conversation as I enjoy talking with others on the transition journey and I love to hear about their life experiences both good and bad.

    Big hugs

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Lillylane
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    Lillylane avatar
    331 posts
    13 October 2021

    Hi Kara,

    How have you been going? Hope the makeup session with your niece went well.

    Where are you up to with starting on hormones? From what I’ve seen, the first few weeks my partner felt so tired and very emotional. But after that, it seemed to level out as her body adjusted.

    Take care all,

    Lillylane

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    100 posts
    14 October 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Good morning Lillylane, I hope you and P are both well.

    Thanks for asking about my makeup session it was an amazing experience, at first a little bit intimidating being in the middle of a major makeup outlet amongst so many women. I just decided that I going to just focus on the experience. My niece was a great teacher, she did one side of my face and then I did the other side.

    She was very impressed with my first effort and said I was a very quick learner.

    Last Saturday I had my first outing fully dressed with hair and makeup, fortunately I had my best friend with me for support and it was a fantastic experience.

    We are going shopping in the city tomorrow to add a couple of things to my wardrobe and then out for lunch.

    Building a new wardrobe takes time as I am slowly replacing my old clothes with new ones but I still for now need to spend time as my old self.

    My wife is still struggling with everything but is slowly accepting little changes at home with how I am dressing and with me wearing nail polish.

    Unfortunately we have decided that our marriage is basically over and we are planning on cohabitating as she has moved out of our bedroom. I am hoping that we can still remain friends but time will tell.

    Well I am two weeks into my HRT and I found a few little changes I am feeling much calmer and less easily upset and dealing with my work stress much better.

    I am feeling okay other wise no physical issues and I guess with the 12 hour days at work I don't have time to be tired.

    Tuesday I have my appointment with the psychiatrist so I can get my formal diagnoses of GD and that hopefully all going well I will be able in the future to able to do my name change and document changes.

    The big thing is that it will allow me to be able to access bottom surgery if I decide later on that I want to do this.

    My next appointment with Shine is next month so I guess more blood tests to check my hormone levels and make any adjustments.

    Take care and I will keep updating as thins change.

    Big hugs

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  20. Lillylane
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    18 October 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara,

    Great to hear things are moving along well for you.

    Makeup artists have so many clever tips :) It’s a wonderful thing to know an expert in this field.

    I always seem to smudge my eye makeup during the day without realising I’m doing it.

    12 hour workdays! That sounds very intense!

    I think I might refer to P as my X now. It’s a bit of a long story. I’m mostly just wanting to make sure of anonymity. We are going ok but it’s hard work for both of us. I hope too that we can stay friends.

    Hope you are doing well too Jo xx

    Hugs and thanks for the update xx,

    LL

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    711 posts
    18 October 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara & LilyLane ,

    Kara I am so happy to see that things are flowing much better for you now . ❤️❤️❤️

    LL stay safe and as happy as possible .❤️❤️❤️

    Hugs for you both , xxxx Jo ❤️❤️❤️

    2 people found this helpful
  22. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    100 posts
    20 October 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Lillylane I hope you are well.

    I am sorry to hear about the change in your situation with P.

    I fully understand the difficulties with your situation as I too have gone through the same thing but from the other side.

    I hope that you both are able to find away to remain friends for both of your sakes and for your children's sake.

    This is a very confronting situation and it's a very emotional time for all of you.

    My wife and I now are co-habituating as she told me the other week that she no longer loves me. This isn't just about my transition journey as we haven't had an intimate relationship for 20 years.

    So we are working through all of these changes to try and find away to remain friends for the sake of the family and so we don't have to deal with the financial impact of a divorce.

    I have become very close to a member of our community and she is a non-binary gender queer transgender person. We are at a cross road with our relationship which is on the verge of moving from best friends to a intimate relationship as our bond is very powerful.

    I haven't felt this way about another person in my entire life I am just taking things slowly as I value this friendship I don't want to rush anything. They feel the same way but want to find out about what moving to the next stage would look like.

    Good news on Tuesday I had my one off appointment with my psychiatrist and after my session I have received a formal diagnose of GD.

    I am moving forward with presenting as often as possible in public as my authentic self. When I attended my appointment on Tuesday it was the first time that I have been out on my own.

    Please try and find away to continue to remain friends as I feel it's very important.

    Big hugs and love

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    711 posts
    23 October 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara & LL

    I am very happy that your journey is taking shape Kara . Baby steps , keep doing a post occasionally , hugs ❤️❤️❤️❤️🐾💃🌈

    LL , how are you ? How is P . Sending much love to you & Family ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🐾💃🌈

    When you have a moment and feel like it , visit us in the TRC .

    Mountains of love , us ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🐾💃🌈

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Lillylane
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    Lillylane avatar
    331 posts
    24 October 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Kara and Jo, Great to hear from you both!

    Kara, thanks so much for your kind thoughts of support - I fully agree, I hope we can stay friends as much as possible. Some days are better than others.

    Hi Jo! Hope you are safe and well xx

    I’m struggling with myself a bit and also very exhausted. But tomorrow is another day and I’ll be back to chat more sometime :)

    lots of love and support to you both. xx

    LL

    2 people found this helpful
  25. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    100 posts
    10 November 2021

    Good morning Jo & Lillylane I hope you both are well.

    Not a lot to report, my relationship status has moved from friends to an intimate relationship.

    It's been a big week for my partner as they had a double mastectomy yesterday to overcome their gender dysphoria. The operation went well and they should be home for the weekend so we can spend some time together.

    Lillylane how is your relationship going with "P" are you coping with all of the changes as I hope that you are still friends.

    How are you coping Jo I haven't heard a lot about what is happening with your life. I hope that everything is on the improve.

    I have now been on HRT for 6 weeks and I am seeing small physical changes feeling very different with my emotions much much happier now, I think the new relationship is also helping me feel happier.

    I am feeling and looking a bit more androgynous right now, I have lost 26kgs and now only another 6kgs to go before I reach my goal.

    Recently I had a chance to write an article for Rainbow Roo a Facebook group I am a member of about my journey to HRT. I was exciting to be able to tell my story. If either of you are interested you can see it on my Facebook page "Kara Jane"

    Big hugs and kisses to you both of you and will post when something new comes up.

    Love Kara

    2 people found this helpful

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