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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / How do you know?

Topic: How do you know?

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. BeeHut
    BeeHut avatar
    4 posts
    18 May 2014
    I think I might be gay but I'm not sure. I'm scared to tell my family because it would tear them apart and I'm scared to tell my friends in case I'm wrong. I feel awful for not being honest but I feel like coming out would be selfish. I don't know what to do, I just wish I knew what I was for sure so I could make a decision without worrying about my feelings changing. I feel like there's no point talking to anyone about it as it is, but it's driving me crazy. I don't know what to do about it.
  2. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    19 May 2014

    Hi there BeeHut  

    Welcome to Beyond Blue and ‘well done’ to you for providing your post.  Short, to the point but quite a bit of info there as well.   Let me have a go at breaking your post down a little.  

    Your first sentence says a lot – basically it stands out to me that you aren’t sure.  Then run with that – you’re not sure and that’s ok. 

    What’s not ok is for you to feel awful – no way should you be feeling awful.  You mentioned about not being honest and being selfish.  Now, this just cannot be – again because you simply aren’t sure.  

     And just let me say, that if you are or if you aren’t – you’re still the product of your parents – their child and for all intents and purposes, they should love you, care for you, support you, unconditionally not matter what.  

    Now these are just my suggestions – so do with them, whatever you see fit.  But I believe that until you’re sure, I really don’t believe that you should be telling anyone, if you don’t feel right about doing it.  I don’t see the point in saying, “I could be gay”.  

    The problem I see is:  “How will you know?”   I’m sorry, as I have no answer for that.  

    Can I just say though, that with how you’ve expressed yourself in this post, you have a wonderful caring nature about you – in that you are extremely concerned about loved ones and how they might feel, etc.  That tells me you have a really genuine and loving nature.  

    I honestly don’t know if my post to you has helped – maybe in a small way it might have – I also hope that other posters may join in with a couple of better suggestions of their own.  

    Kind regards  


  3. justinok
    justinok avatar
    151 posts
    19 May 2014 in reply to BeeHut

    Hey BeeHut - not talking about things is one of the worst things you can do. Bottling your feelings up helps no one. But I know what its like to be young and worried about your sexuality (I'm guessing that you're a younger person). I felt just the same as you about worrying what family and friends would think.  There's a lot of crap put on being gay by society, and that's what creates all the anxiety, otherwise you wouldnt be worried. 

    If you cant talk to anyone in your life about this, then maybe you can talk to some people online, like here or on other sites, the internet was not really a big thing when I was coming out so I was totally alone with the feelings youre describing, thankfully you are not.

    You may like girls, you may like boys, you may like both. There's no right or wrong answer here. I can understand your fear at losing or upsetting friends or family, and these are real concerns, but I hope that you will come to realise first and foremost that there is nothing wrong with you, and that acceptance is their issue, not yours, should it come to that.

    Back to your first question, how do you know... it's a funny question, and one that I like to turn around. How do straight people know that they're straight?  There's a funny video on youtube where they ask people that in the street, they ask them 'how old were you when you first knew you were straight'. Most people are floored by the question because they've never even considered it.  Yet gay people are asked that question all the time.

    Coming out is not selfish, being who you are is not selfish. But it sounds like you're a few steps back from there, if at all.  If I were to ask you a question, it would be why are you thinking you could be gay?  What's put that question in your head? 

  4. BeeHut
    BeeHut avatar
    4 posts
    19 May 2014 in reply to justinok

    I had a boyfriend two years ago and I thought I loved him but something felt really wrong the entire time and I just wasn't attracted to him. I guess that's what started me wondering about it. After we broke up I started to realise that I feel attracted to girls sometimes but I've never fallen in love with one so I don't know. I've also been told that sometimes people identify as one thing at one point in their life and then it changes as they get older.

    Thanks for your advice, it's really nice of you.

  5. BeeHut
    BeeHut avatar
    4 posts
    19 May 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Thanks for what you said, it's really lovely. I'm glad I came across that way.

    I just have to say that there is an issue with my family in that most of them genuinely believe that being gay is bad for you. I mean, they are really lovely people and they do love me unconditionally, but for most of them I think it would be a lot like me telling them I have a mental illness or a drug addiction. They'd want to help me, but I think ti would kind of make things worse.

  6. justinok
    justinok avatar
    151 posts
    20 May 2014 in reply to BeeHut

    My family said horrible things about gay people when I was growing up. This didn't make me any more confident about coming out, and I won't lie it wasn't a walk in the park when I did, but generally speaking things do change when it's 'one of your own'. It's easy to slag off other people's kids but things tend to be different when it's your own son or daughter. Have  a lot of mates for who its been the same.

    Falling in love and attraction are two different things, mate, so I wouldn't worry too much. Attraction, well for men that kinda thing apparently happens every ten seconds haha.  Thankfully not falling in love, or the world would be a mess.  You may be bisexual, but I wouldn't troube yourself with labels right now.  As mushy as it sounds, just go where your heart takes you.  Coming out probably isn't going to be an issue unless you have a boyfriend again.

  7. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    geoff avatar
    15594 posts
    21 May 2014 in reply to BeeHut

    dear BeeHut, I thought that I had replied back to you, and if so it didn't pass the filter, I don't know why, but never mind I'm here.

    Can you tell us how old you are, not that this really matters, but the question you are trying to find out is whether or not you are gay, and perhaps that's why I have asked about your age.

    What I would expect is that as Justinok has said is that you maybe bi, which then leaves both doors open, and because you had a boyfriend a few years ago and that you decided that he wasn't for you, doesn't rule out the possibility of being gay, and I say this because a male could go out with a female but they too don't get on, and this doesn't mean that he is gay, it's just that the relationship didn't click.

    So you will go through the next few years going out with either sexual partner, so this will then make you choose which one you favour, and if you are gay then so what, your gay, just as you could be bi or hetersexual, the decision is yours, which means that you should not be tormented or ridiculed, because no one can force you to change. Geoff.

  8. BeeHut
    BeeHut avatar
    4 posts
    21 May 2014

    I'm a girl. Should have said 'I think I might be a lesbian', it's just that I've  always heard the two phrases used interchangeably for girls. Sorry about that. I'm turning nineteen this year. I also didn't mean to represent my family as being horrible about sexualities. They are not rude or awful to the lgbt people they know, they just disagree with it. They disagree with it because they think it's bad for the people involved. They believe in sin as a concept created by god to help people, so for them being told that lesbianism is wrong by god is like a parent telling a child not to run across a road. Of course this is just in general, some are more judgmental than others. But as far as it goes for all of them, trying to stop me from dating girls or acting on my feelings would be an act of love and protection. I don't feel like I have the energy to fight them like that, and I don't want to get between them and their faith. I love them all very much, and they are really good people, I didn't mean to make out like they weren't

     I'm afraid I have been complaining too much with this thread. I really appreciate the advice you've all given me, and the time you took to reply. Thank you very much.

  9. justinok
    justinok avatar
    151 posts
    21 May 2014 in reply to BeeHut

    Oh no, I have to stop talking to you now :P :P :P

     I don't reckon you've been complaining too much at all, it's important to be happy, be who you are and be with someone you love.  Personally I have no respect for people's 'faith' if it gets in the way of someone doing that, especially if they're your family.  But i wish you all the best.   

  10. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15594 posts
    22 May 2014 in reply to BeeHut

    dear BeeHut, well this is a decision which you will have to consider, and by no means am I taking anything away from your parents, as they of a religious believing, but it's your life that you have to feel comfortable with.

    I personally don't have any religious following nor do I believe in any faith, but that's my choice, however if you are a lesbian then so be it, and there is nothing wrong with this, but you can't be unhappy living in a hetersexual relationship, because that's not what you are inclined to be, so what I am saying is that no god can force you into any relationship that you are not made out for.

    You may satisfy your parents but this isn't going to make you happy, so you may have to hide it from them, but then I'm not how long this would last for, because they will always be asking you about bringing a male boyfriend home, so really you are going around in circles.

    I know that you all love each other, so you will have to decide what you want to do, and if I was you I know what I would be doing, and hopefully they will become accustomed to the fact that you are what you are.

    Have you yourself spoken to the priest where your parents visit, and see what he thinks, maybe he might accept the fact that it's OK, which will then satisfy your parents. L Geoff. x

  11. EmmaP
    EmmaP avatar
    33 posts
    30 May 2014 in reply to BeeHut

    Hi BeeHut,

    Sorry for the late reply. I am a 21 year old lesbian. I went through stages of when I was younger labelling myself as 'gay', labelling myself as 'bi' and feeling all sorts of things. I was very lucky to have such an accepting family. I did cop some flack for it at school, but generally all my friends and even teachers at my progressive catholic school were very accepting and loving of me as a person. Often I worked myself up frantic about telling people for them to go "Oh yeah we knew, all good" or "That's totally cool we still love you" even if I thought they were going to hate me. I know this wont be the case for everyone though. Sometimes I just didn't say anything and let people "work it out for themselves". I figure its a "part of who you are" rather than who you are. I dated and had sexual relations with boys when I was about 17, and decided boys are really not who I am attracted to or want to be with at all! I'm not ruling out that I wont ever fall for a boy, because the heart wants what the heart wants. But for now I am very happy with identifying as a lesbian and being with girls.

    A website I found very helpful and informative, and it also has a very supportive community is Autostraddle. You can google them to see their website. It is for girls who like girls, in one form or another. There are articles on there about 'labels', how you identify yourself etc. For example, I would identify myself as a feminine-of-centre- cis gendered lesbian. It is a very lighthearted website and has some fantastic information on there.

    When it comes to the question of "Am I Gay?" I think its such a personal thing. You don't have to label yourself. You may just decide that you fall in love with the person rather than their gender. This can leave it open to you to not have to define yourself and its quite a general thing to be able to tell people.


    I hope this has helped. Feel free to ask me any direct questions I am more than happy to answer!


  12. DaneSaysYay
    DaneSaysYay avatar
    22 posts
    16 June 2014

    my personal opinion, and it is only m thoughts are...

     is it wrong to be yourself, to be human and loved while being comfortable in your skin?

     be your self! be happy.... i would do a sit and think session, on paper after relaxing and clearing your thoughts. weigh up what your feelings are and how you feel, then set a trial period, be amoungst supportive people avoid the haters, after some time of contemplation you may just have your answer..the only thing to think is, what is sexuality, does it change over ones lifem, do you need a label?

    just be happy and be yourself.






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