Great to chat to you some more Marie,
I re read my post and what I meant was that I cannot agree MORE with Nat..lol...just as you were born a man and you did not mentally or emotionally fit that "category", we as women who are born women sometimes feel the same, it is just human nature too to want what we don't have and to compare to others, dangerous stuff as we need to be happy and love who we are. That is why it is so wonderful you are here, to get some support and you are so very very right, what an amazing community this is.
Hopefully not only will you get some support but some of your life learnings you can share with others coming up in this space and reach out to them as they need support too, I can see you have already given some amazing support to another here on the forum, that is what being a good human is Marie, and you are most certainly that.
I hear what you are saying in that family does play a large role in the shaping of who we are, but at the end of the day, you have to live with you and as long as you are being true to you, that is what matters. "Boys don't wear skirts".....hmmm they do, and you will be surprised at how many do and do it in the privacy of their own home. How many of these men perhaps who come on these forums to read and get support from stories like yours as they don't have the strength to post. How powerful that is for you. To help others and you don't even know it.
I dont think that because you sometimes you call yourself your "deadname", I am assuming here that is the name you were given at birth, you should feel bad about that, I think sometimes if you can sit with the person you were born with, acknowledge it, maybe even make friends with that boy who does still live inside you, but is not who you are now. You can perhaps give yourself some peace knowing you accept and love that boy but you are now Marie, a healthy, happy and wonderful woman.