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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / I Feel like I'm Fake

Topic: I Feel like I'm Fake

  1. LittleMissAlice
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    20 December 2019

    Hello there!

    This is my first time doing this... Um, I guess I'll just start?

    Hellooooooo, my name is Marie, I've been transgender for a while now (maybe 2 years? I don't know) but recently I've been feeling very Down In The Dumps about it all.

    I think it just randomly kicked in that, while I'm female in my head, I'll never, ever be able to be fully, biologically female, which is a bit depressing, obviously.

    I've just been feeling like I'll always be fake, no matter what I do. That I'll never have the right experiences, the right body, the right anything to be, I don't know, correct.

    Theres also the realisation that it's done. There's no second chances or second lives or anything, I had one shot, and this one stupid little chromosome screwed it up. I'll never have that chance again, which is also incredibly depressing

    So yeah

    Im just feeling like I'll always be fake and I'm not really sure how to deal with those emotions, and I usually operate better when someone else tells me how to do stuff lol

    Thanks, probably?

    - Marie xo

    3 people found this helpful
  2. Quercus
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    20 December 2019 in reply to LittleMissAlice

    Hi Marie and welcome to the forum family.

    I suppose I'll throw it out there that I've absolutely zero idea of how it feels to be a Trans person. But that's not going to stop me from welcoming you here and encouraging you to keep talking if it helps you.

    It felt a bit confusing to me to read that you feel 'fake' as a woman. Perhaps that's because although I was born female and identify as a woman I often feel like that too...

    I'm not very good at feeling feminine I suppose and have never felt entirely comfortable in my body. But that doesn't make me less of a woman. It just makes me... Me?

    When you wrote about never being biologically female is there something specifically that you feel you have missed out on because of the body you have?

    My mind focused on the experience of having children reading your post. It reminded me of something my husband said... he felt excluded and lost because as a male he didn't know what I felt.

    Feel free to tell me I'm off track by the way (often am!). I'm just trying to understand what is hurting you the most so we can try support you better.

    Hopefully other transgender people come join in to help you with their experiences and support. Until then I'm listening and so are others here.

    Nat

    2 people found this helpful
  3. LittleMissAlice
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    20 December 2019 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Quercus, thanks for replying!

    In response to your question, I just meant it's a bit hard that, even though I identify as female, just because I was born male I'll have to go through this massive process and face so much controversy and all that, and even then I'll probably still feel like I'm just gunning for something that's impossible for me to have. I'll never just be a normal girl

    ... And you're not off track at all, thank you so much for replying, I just really need to talk to someone right now and this is already helping 😊

    Thanks again,

    Marie xo

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Aaronsis
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    20 December 2019 in reply to LittleMissAlice

    Hello LittleMissAlice

    Welcome to the forum, it is so great to reach out and get some support, I too have no idea what so ever what you are going through however, I have just finished reading "The Trauma Cleaner", without going too much into it Sandra Pankhurst was born a man and in her early 20's went through gender reassignment, the book is so very tragic as it covers her life living with abuse and also her job now as she runs a very successful cleaning company that deals with hoarding, murders, suicide and other clean ups that most people can't manage. Why your post jumped out at me is that she talks about her life as a woman, she expresses some of the very things that you are talking about here. You are most certainly not alone in the journey to really connect with who you were born as V's who you actually are V's how you live in that space and feel comfortable being..YOU..being Marie and loving every part of who you are. I cannot agree with Nat, I too am a woman but what does that even mean really, some days we feel gorgeous and pretty, some days we feel like a train wreck, sometimes we love who we are and sometimes we dont..I think that is just being..human!

    To me..the definition of fake is when you talk about people behind their back, when you pretend to care and actually don't, when you offer support and don't mean it.....nothing and I mean nothing of who you are as a person seems fake to me Marie.

    Huge hugs and much love to you.

    Sarah xxx

    3 people found this helpful
  5. LittleMissAlice
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    20 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Thanks, Sarah

    On the topic of not being alone, I've only been here since literally yesterday, and the fact that I already feel so much better is really telling of everyone here. It feels so good to be part of a community that's centred solely on helping people (especially when those people are me)

    So yeah, thanks for saying that. I think another problem I probably have with everything is that I come from a very conservative family (I checked Ancestry, I am the only person in my family tree since the 1700s to even slightly waver in terms of gender identity, which is a bit scary), and I was raised to see only men and women, black and white, that's it. But now that I'm questioning all that, sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't see a girl, I see a boy in a dress. So I think some of those predujices that my family has adopted for so long has leaked into me, and even though I know I'm trans sometimes I just can't see past the fact that it looks wrong. "Boys don't wear skirts", to quote my mother.

    Sometimes (I talk to myself a lot, it's a bit wierd I know) when I'm thinking out loud about myself, I'll use the wrong pronouns, or my deadname, and it makes me feel terrible that I'm telling everybody else to use them, when I can't even wrap my head around it myself

    (Also I'll see if I can find that book somewhere, I'm a massive book nerd)

    Thanks again!

    Marie xo

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Aaronsis
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    20 December 2019 in reply to LittleMissAlice

    Great to chat to you some more Marie,

    I re read my post and what I meant was that I cannot agree MORE with Nat..lol...just as you were born a man and you did not mentally or emotionally fit that "category", we as women who are born women sometimes feel the same, it is just human nature too to want what we don't have and to compare to others, dangerous stuff as we need to be happy and love who we are. That is why it is so wonderful you are here, to get some support and you are so very very right, what an amazing community this is.

    Hopefully not only will you get some support but some of your life learnings you can share with others coming up in this space and reach out to them as they need support too, I can see you have already given some amazing support to another here on the forum, that is what being a good human is Marie, and you are most certainly that.

    I hear what you are saying in that family does play a large role in the shaping of who we are, but at the end of the day, you have to live with you and as long as you are being true to you, that is what matters. "Boys don't wear skirts".....hmmm they do, and you will be surprised at how many do and do it in the privacy of their own home. How many of these men perhaps who come on these forums to read and get support from stories like yours as they don't have the strength to post. How powerful that is for you. To help others and you don't even know it.

    I dont think that because you sometimes you call yourself your "deadname", I am assuming here that is the name you were given at birth, you should feel bad about that, I think sometimes if you can sit with the person you were born with, acknowledge it, maybe even make friends with that boy who does still live inside you, but is not who you are now. You can perhaps give yourself some peace knowing you accept and love that boy but you are now Marie, a healthy, happy and wonderful woman.

    Sarah xxx

    4 people found this helpful
  7. LittleMissAlice
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    20 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Thank you for that, Sarah. I'm very easily reassured, so again, yaaaaaaay for finally joining a community!

    After this conversation, I think I'm going to try to embrace this more. I've been holding back a lot, since my parents don't yet know so it's all very hush-hush, but I think I can't really step forward from here without doing more "stuff", if that makes sense. I think I'll go and buy an outfit with some friends, and spend a day out in it, or something. I don't know. I might consider telling them, maybe not. It might make this all seem more real to me or something. In any case, thanks so much, I really appreciate it! 😊

    Marie xo

    3 people found this helpful
  8. Aaronsis
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    20 December 2019 in reply to LittleMissAlice

    Wow Marie

    That is so fantastic to hear. You have made my morning.

    You know what else I have learnt, that is the youth of today have so many varied ideas and have so many different experiences that when even I was young. I am 44 and when the voting slip for Gay Marriage came to my house my son, who was 14 at the time, just ticked the YES box, saying he agreed with it. I said to him that he really should have asked me first as it is my vote. He replied with "well of course you would tick yes, this is the stupidest thing ever, who cares who people marry, isn't it about love?"...I could not have been prouder but at the same time I know that people of his generation accept this as just everyday life. However people in older generations really struggle with the notion that marriage is between a man and a woman....anyway...the point I am trying to make is that I am sure that your friends will be supportive of you, sure they might be surprised at first, hey..maybe not..maybe they know more than you think..either way, your true friends will be by your side, in your gorgeous dress, looking amazing!

    I think the conversation with your parents will be emotional for you all, especially if they are very conservative, but hey, that is no reason for you not to be you and for you not to tell them. I am by no means suggesting I know what to do here, however my gut tells me that you need to be you, and by telling them it allows you to be freely who you are. I am not sure how it will be received but we can deal with that when it happens. They may even surprise you in their response...please try not to overthink it and role play it in your head. You will know when the time is right and all you can do is be open and honest, the rest is on them, good or bad.

    Just know that we are here for you to talk and to support you.

    Sarah xxxx

    3 people found this helpful
  9. Quercus
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    20 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Marie and Sarah,

    So lovely to see you posting in a happier mind Marie. That's why I stay here... There is something so bloody important about having a space we can talk things through.

    Sarah that book sounds like something I need to read. I'm glad you mentioned it.

    Ok... Confession to make seeing as Sarah has raised the topic and it is important to me to be honest. It relates to family mindsets too.

    I voted no. Even saying that now makes me feel very uncomfortable.

    When the slips came I was torn in two. My husband took as a given I would agree with and support him because of our faith.

    My heart feels like Sarah's son... Love is love... and yet (perhaps selfishly) I knew the man I love so deeply was the only reason I was alive and the only person who noticed and cared at my worst. It was my decision and my issue to try own and work through. Perhaps trying to understand is my way of making peace within myself.

    Marie when you said you look in the mirror and see a boy it felt so similar in a way to what I see in the mirror. Except where you see a boy I see someone worthless and inferior and ugly. Another member wrote once that he looked in the mirror and spoke positively and kindly to himself for ages until one day he finally saw himself differently. I always loved that story.

    The idea of pampering yourself is a great one. I love feeling pretty and feminine even if it's only for a moment. Even more I love the idea of asking your friends to help you to celebrate yourself.

    I'm learning being yourself can mean not being the person others want or expect you to be. For me letting go of being ashamed of and hiding who I am has been part of surviving depression. No matter what we do someone will always judge or condemn and sometimes that will be people you love. What matters is how YOU feel and that is something within your power to work on.

    ❤ Nat

    4 people found this helpful
  10. LittleMissAlice
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    20 December 2019

    Nat, don't dare feel uncomfortable, beliefs are important. It sucks when faiths clash, but I don't care if you voted no or yes or anything. I know for a fact that every single person in my extended family voted no, and that doesn't change anything about how I feel about them.

    And YES being pampered is such a good feeling! I'm very opposed to the whole "Princess in a Castle" ideal, but having people dote on me is my guilty pleasure 😅

    And Sarah, I think after this conversation, I'm going to think about telling my parents as well. It probably won't end well, but like you said, who knows? Now I just need to be less of a terrified mess to actually do that

    Marie xo

    2 people found this helpful
  11. Quercus
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    20 December 2019 in reply to LittleMissAlice

    Hi Marie,

    Thank you for being so understanding. I knew I felt ashamed of my choice but never truly understood how much it affected me until I read your reply and was shown understanding. I'm teary.

    Telling your parents is a huge step and shows strength. If you decide to do so you know everyone here is here for you to lean on.

    If it's ok can I share an experience? It's a bit different to your journey but has the same fears and needs. Being honest with people you love about yourself and being afraid of rejection.

    Part of my journey has been speaking openly to my family about my depression and what I need to do for myself to protect myself from becoming suicidal again.

    My family dislike conflict and I've always been the people pleaser. Mediator even. This new me causes major conflict. I feel like I've exposed my true self and been rejected. It hurts like absolute hell. Being angry and isolating myself hurts too but less than going back to pretending just to earn affection.I

    If I had my time again I wouldn't change a thing. Ok so I've hurt my family and myself but it's helped me see who truly loves me. Friends I have made and who have stuck by me are genuine.

    It is liberating knowing those I give my energy to value me in return. And above all it feels freeing to be allowed to be myself. It's not always happy or positive but at least I know where I stand.

    Happy pampering Marie!

    1 person found this helpful
  12. LittleMissAlice
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    20 December 2019 in reply to Quercus

    Oh, wow, I hadn't even thought about why you'd be here (very insensitive, sorry), but your story made me realise (again) why it's so important that there are places like this around, because if being rejected and isolated feels so horrible, there's always someone who'll understand.

    And it's so nice to see that you're helping others, like you said, with that energy. Again, very new to this, so I have no idea what the whole"Community Champion" thing means, I thought ther were just people who ran around the website helping, but it's great that you've been able to come here for help, and help others in return

    This got very deep very fast, this probably sounds very cheesy and unenlightened coming from a hapless teen

    Marie xo

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Aaronsis
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    20 December 2019

    Hey Marie

    Can I say that I didn't realize that you were 16 until I read it on one of your posts supporting someone else. You write and articulate yourself so very well and have so much insight, I am so very overwhelmed at the amount of young adults that I personally chat to here and how they are so much wiser they are than me an my peers were at this age, and have so much emotional intelligence, it is so wonderful. If this is a snap shot of our future then we are in good shape.

    Community champions do not run the site, we simply share our experiences, support and ensure that people are heard and supported. Together we run this site and you too Marie are contributing too, sharing and supporting others. Can you imagine how powerful it is for other 16 year old boys and girls who are in the very same boat you are, who are reading this and thinking "wow...I am not alone, there are other people going through this too"...together we reach out and support each other.

    Things do tend to get deep fast and that is the joy of being anonymous that you can get to the root of your concerns and talk without being judged, criticized or known, that you can get some support which makes for a brighter tomorrow.

    Can I ask a question? After being here today, do you still feel like a fake?

    Hugs to you

    Sarah xxxx

    3 people found this helpful
  14. LittleMissAlice
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    20 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    It feels so good to hear you say that about me, it's probably not what you were going for but I'm an aspiring writer, so to hear that I'm ✨articulate✨ is really nice

    Thank you for the insight on the champion thing, I was just kind of randomly skipping around, replying to things, and I thought, "wait, do I actually have the right to do this?" So that helps, I've never been much of a talker but inputting my random opinions on things I probably shouldn't have been involved in gives me a nice feeling, which is new... 🤔

    And after today, and this conversation (again, incredibly helpful, thank you both), plus some reading of some other threads on similar issues... I feel a lot better about everything, I longer feel as if I'm fake. I know I'm just as female as "regular" women, and I think I always knew that. I probably just needed someone to tell me that or something? I still feel a bit sad that just because my body doesn't match my mind, everything will always be so much more different, but overall I'm feeling a lot better. Thanks so much!

    Marie xo

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  15. Aaronsis
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    20 December 2019 in reply to LittleMissAlice

    Well I think you are going to make a brilliant writer, you seem so much older than your years and that is a credit to you...imagine one day you perhaps will write your own story, and the pages of your life have not even been written yet..how exciting!

    Please feel free to add whatever you feel can support another human on this page, that is the whole reason that it is here, for others to support, even if you have not had the exact experience but to understand that they need some support and comfort at a time in their life. As you can see today, we all started here in your shoes, reaching out for support and now we are on the other side, reaching back to those who need it.

    I am so very proud of you and how much soul searching that you have done today and how much love you can give yourself, you deserve it, and you deserve to be happy and whatever that looks like for you, you embrace it and you own it, if others don't like it...well...boo hoo...

    I am so very glad you are feeling better and hope to chat to you some more, we are here whenever for whatever.

    Your friend

    Sarah

    3 people found this helpful
  16. LittleMissAlice
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    20 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    I do feel so much better, and it's all thanks to you. I'm so glad I could come here for a random pick-me-up, Farewell and thank you so much!

    Marie xo

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  17. Aaronsis
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    20 December 2019 in reply to LittleMissAlice

    ..not farewell..just bye for now..I am sure we will see you reaching out to others, but if not that is fine too.

    Have the most amazing life as you deserve it.

    Hugs and kisses

    Sarah xx

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  18. Jo8049
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    17 January 2021 in reply to Aaronsis

    Thank you Sarah , the last paragraph in this post is a very very important message . Thanks again for intuitive and loving posts .

    Lol & hugs Jo W

  19. Jo8049
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    17 January 2021 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Jo here again , I should clarify which post I am talking about Sarah . The one almost half way through the thread and you mention the deadname , then the little boy who is still there . I have been trying to recognise this in me but could not picture what it was and there it was . Light bulb moment for me . Thanks and hugs , I love this place .

    Jo W love to all

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  20. Aaronsis
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    17 January 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hey Jo8049

    It is lovely to chat with you and I hope to do that some more. I am so beyond thrilled that you have felt supported here, have felt heard and that you have also been able to relate and learn some things about you too.

    I am looking forward to hearing some more about you if you feel you wan to share.

    Huge hugs to you

    Sarah

  21. Jo8049
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    18 January 2021 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Have been reading here for a few months before I first posted. Like so many I have kept the door to other spirit (real me) closed since fist memories.

    Only discovered NB late 2019. Blurted out mid May 20 on telephone consult with psych that I though I was NB and it has accelerated since then . Have a face to face early Feb and so much to talk with her .There is no one in area here to talk with or in the industry I still do some work in .

    It is so good to have this space, thank you all ( a couple of lovely people have answered questions etc and that is very appreciated) for so welcoming and inclusive of all here .I learn more about the diversity of life every time Im here. No longer alone in a big beautiful country . Sigh

    XXX hugs and love to all Jo W

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  22. Aaronsis
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    19 January 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hey Jo8049

    Well that is so brave of you and I am so glad that you did blurt it out, I can only imagine the relief and the joy and all the emotions that went with not only acknowledging this but saying it out loud and owning it, how wonderful.

    So many do read, and feel apart of the community here long before they ever post, some never post, that is the beauty of this that it is for everyone to share and to get support and sometimes and that is just from reading and connecting with people who are posting a very similar story to their own.

    If you did want to start your own thread too that could be helpful and would invite others to join you in your journey too.

    I am constantly learning here, and finding out about people and about new ways in which people get help and heal and also the biggest thing is the love and support, it makes me happy every day.

    Hope to chat to you some more Jo8049.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  23. Jo8049
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    20 January 2021 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi , Jo here again .Q . If one has had steadily increasing gender dysphoria over a long time can it become gender euphoria with the awakening and acceptance of the true self . Also does it ebb and flow or just settle to the warm comfortable feeling from where all looks very beautiful ?

    Would love to chat over time Sarah and share . As I am new here I feel a bit reserved , probably not necessary . I am continually reading and finding many new bits to pick out and put together .

    Have a strong desire to help anyone I can but from where I am ( geographically ) it is difficult . A lot will happen early next month and I shall keep you posted on that .

    Thank you all again , warm hugs Jo

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  24. Aaronsis
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    22 January 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hey Jo8049

    I was thinking and I am not sure how you feel about this but maybe of you starting a thread of your own which will also invite others to come and chat and also share their experiences with how they are going and what is going on for them with regards to their gender, confusion around that , how they are feeling and how they manage it.

    I hear what you are saying in where does the line blurr from fantasy and an obsession with something to "maybe this is real". I think though if something is causing a stir inside of you it needs to be addressed no matter what the content is, that it awakening something in you for you to pay attention to.

    Also as you say, helping others, and as you know yourself, so many read here, learn from these posts and put together things to help themselves so those that can post and share are really playing an important role too for those that are not able to post yet, or simply dont.

    How are you feeling today? I hope that there is something to make you smile.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  25. Jo8049
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    24 January 2021 in reply to Aaronsis

    Thank you Sarah. Going to start work on that this day . Might take a little time ( or not ) so keep an eye out for it . Would still in the dysphoric desert if not for BBF . Thankx all .

    Happy safe day everybody , love Jo

  26. Buddy Pal Guy
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    12 February 2021 in reply to LittleMissAlice

    hi marie :)

    i don't know how it feels to be trans.

    but i think you are a real woman. i'm sorry you feel fake. people can be so cruel and ignorant.

    i don't really have anything helpful to share with you. but you are not fake. i hope you won't feel this way forever.

    you are real :)

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Jo8049
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    12 February 2021 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah , just reading on this thread as I do . Your post that has the bit about the deadname and the little boy within . Always have a tear there . Very thankful to have this space and all of you here . Just saying hi really . ( high stress time for next couple of days for me ) . All good I hope .

    Been having a little go at trying to get the cafe thread going a bit to . Will slowly keep at that to . Thanks again for being there and Marie I do hope your world is full of colour these days .

    xx hugs and lol to you all , Jo W

    2 people found this helpful
  28. Aaronsis
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    12 February 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Good Morning Jo W

    It makes me so happy to read that you get the support that you need from so many different threads here on the forum, the blessings here are so many and the things we learn, people we "meet" and the new ways we hear how others cope and manage is so wonderful.

    With regards to a deadname, it really is such a huge part of the growth in becoming who you truely are inside and having a name that you do identify with and growing into that name and owning your true self. It is hard for others to learn your new chosen name and mistakes do happen from time to time when people forget or are learning new pronouns and names, but the main thing is that as long as they are trying that is key. In saying that no everyone understands or wants to understand and that is still a small part of society that we will have to manage and try to have empathy for in their struggles.

    I hope that you continue to read here, to share and to be apart of this amazing community to grow into the person that is you, with pride, with love and with strength.

    Hugs to you

    Sarah xx

  29. Jo8049
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    12 February 2021 in reply to Aaronsis

    Thank you again Sarah . I would like to just chat with you . Is the Trancedent Rainbow Cafe an appropriate place .

    Lol and hugs , xx Jo W

  30. Aaronsis
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    12 February 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hey Jo W

    We can chat here on this thread or you can start your own and I will see it and chat with you there, by starting your own too you will encourage others to come and join and share too.....I am also happy to chat to you in the Trancedent Rainbow Cafe, just let me know where to find you and we can chat away.

    Hugs

    Sarah

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