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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / I think I'm a lesbian

Topic: I think I'm a lesbian

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. NJS_1
    NJS_1 avatar
    9 posts
    16 June 2020

    Hi,
    Recently, I came out to my mum as a lesbian and before, I came out as bisexual, and even then I felt bisexual didn't suit me. My mum said to wait till I'm in a relationship with a woman to figure out what I am, which kind of made feel a bit invalid, but she doesn't understand what it's like being LGBTQ+. Although, she's supportive with whatever sexuality I am.
    In my heart, I feel like I'm gay and this familiar feeling did appear sometimes during childhood. Now, I recognise that this feeling as love and attraction to women and with this realisation I felt love for myself. I'm just so, so sick and tired of one minute I'm accepting and then the next I doubt, and think: "Wouldn't it be easier to be straight?" or "Do I find men attractive?". Another thing I learnt about myself is that the love I feel for women is different to the type I felt for men. My love for women is calm, healthy, wholesome and warm, and then that encourages the love I have for myself. Then the love I had for men was desperate and unhealthy. I used to be so desperate for a man's attention when I did receive it, whether it was healthy or not, I wouldn't want to let go of the attention. A couple of months ago a guy show his interest in me, at first when I met him I was happy to be friends and then it was very clear he was interested in me more than just friends, and then, I felt the same desperation I've felt countless of times. I've sort of had a crush on a woman, I would like to see her again, but I really doubt we'll meet again. I've been attracted to women before, definitely. I worry if I come out to others they'll think I'm joking or not take me seriously, and then, I'll probably go back in the closet which feels wrong and against my nature. When I realised that my love for women encourages love for myself which felt freeing, warm and like I could breathe again or like I was home again - I can't explain it. Also, I've recognised there some internalised homophobia and I remember having internalised homophobia as child. I feel like no one out there has felt like this or experienced this. I feel so alone. Any help would be appreciated.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    geoff avatar
    13004 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to NJS_1

    Hello NJS_1, and welcome to the forums.

    The love you have with women doesn't need to be justified, it comes to you as part of who you are, whereas with a male, all you are doing is trying to believe that's what you want, but it's not how you are feeling.

    When you are attracted to a person, that feels natural, there's no effort required in wanting to form a bond, but when you have to try and justify a relationship, then problems will occur and all you will be hoping for, is to be with the person where no effort is required.

    Relationships have vastly changed and it's much more acceptable for LGBT than it was many years ago in times it had to be hidden, be proud of what you want and accept it with pride.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8028 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to geoff

    Hi, welcome

    Totally agree with Geoff

    also google

    beyondblue topic you are still a jigsaw piece

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  4. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    811 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to NJS_1

    Dear NJS_1, welcome to the BB forums and I hope you find alot of support for what you're going through.

    I know you'll feel accepted and warmly received.

    Please have a read of the other threads in this section of the forums and you'll realise you are NOT alone with your feelings and confusion. It's ALL okay!

    It's NO surprise at all that the "old" ways society made very clear is changing and yippee for that! But there can be a feeling of overhang from that era. One we will collaboratively work hard to eradicate and fast so that everyone can be comfortable and validated.

    I'm very glad to hear that your mum is so supportive. That's a really wonderful thing.

    I'm not sure of your age but Headspace has a chatline you could access to talk with a trained Counsellor or Psychologist if you aren't ready for an inhouse Counselling session.

    I really want you to reach out and realise that you are not alone and even though you may feel confused for a while, it seems clear to me reading your initial post that you are "at home" with the thoughts of being with a woman. That's beautiful.

    You also show a sharp self-awareness which can stand you in good stead for moving forward. Remember there's no hurry to be this or be that. Just BE YOU and your most joyful self. Your understandings of yourself will flourish and make them known more and more.

    Please let us know how you get on! You will always have support from us here too.

    Love EM

  5. NJS_1
    NJS_1 avatar
    9 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to geoff
    Thank you for the reply.
    I haven't been in love with a woman yet or had a strong crush on a woman. Well, as I said earlier, there was one woman who I might of had (or still have) a crush on - I don't know. We met at uni, right before the shutdown and the universities closed. Unfortunately, I didn't get her contact details. When we had our first proper conversation, we clicked and I've never met someone like her. But it wasn't like the crushes I've had on guys where I would have butterflies and feel nervous. With this crush it was different, I didn't feel butterflies, but I missed her, even though I hadn't talked to her much, which I don't think is normal - is it normal?
    I've dated a guy before, which was...not good, to say the least. It wasn't a healthy relationship. Very unhealthy, painful and negatively impacted my mental health. I only stayed because I was scared of being alone, I didn't know when I was going to receive attention from a guy again and I thought he would change. Surprise, surprise - he didn't change. At the beginning of that relationship, I felt like I was falling in love - butterflies, I couldn't sleep, my heart was racing a lot and I felt like I was on a rollercoaster racing down the track. So, to me, that's what true love feels like. But, at that time, I didn't love myself at all. My mental health was in a very dark and an extremely unhealthy state, and I wanted to experience what my friends had.
  6. Veldelmar
    Veldelmar avatar
    26 posts
    30 June 2020 in reply to NJS_1

    You know, NJS_1 - you don't ever have to put a label on yourself, like ever. There is no right wrong or other when it comes to sexuality and like most things is a huge beautiful rainbow of options and variations. And... it's a whole big long ole process. You definitely have people that wake up alive and know for sure 'i am straight' 'i am gay' 'i am lesbian' but they are not the majority. There are a lot of women and men that have heterosexual realtionships for years n years and through the process of life are able to finally say, you know what... i am actually queer, or trans, or asexual. Feelings and desires can change over time, or not at all.

    For myself - I was good ole christian gal - dated men, only men, cause I was supposed to - then i went to music school and met myself a whole wide world of humans. realised it was okay to be 'different'. Went through a bisexual phase, a 'try'sexual phase, a 'i am dating women cause men suck' phase, and at the end of that realized, i'm really not all that sexually attracted to women or men or anything in between, i'm attracted to a person not their gender identity. If they are smart and funny and kind and i think they are hot (it's all objective right?), I will find them attractive and want to persue them if I think we'd be decent together. Took me a while to tell myself that it's okay to be that way and thankfully my mom just goes with the flow. I'm just about to hit 40 and finally figuring out that i'm genderqueer and lean on masc, but have no desire to change my body other than a breast reduction out of comfort, I might take hormone blockers at some point but not interested in supplimenting at all. And that's okay, there is no rush to sort it out.


    TL:DR - yo, it's okay to just be yourself. you don't have to have a label or figure it out all at once. Sexuality is a beautiful, fluid thing that most people have to explore

  7. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    13004 posts
    30 June 2020 in reply to NJS_1

    Hello NJS_1, after Veldelmar's good comment, just wondering how you are getting on.

    Geoff.

  8. NJS_1
    NJS_1 avatar
    9 posts
    1 July 2020 in reply to geoff
    Hey Geoff,
    How am I? Good question. I tried online therapy called Pride counselling which wasn't for me and was a waste of money. I just wish I could accept myself. But I'm still scared and doubtful. I still worry someone will call me out on my sexuality and say I'm not gay. I know I need to be patient with myself and take it easy, but I just want to know for certain. I would love to openly express my sexuality and have experiences with women and even have a girlfriend, but it's difficult for so many different reasons. I wish I could stop overthinking and just relax. I wish the internalised homophobia could go away as well.

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