Hi,

after 14 years my husband has told me he is gay. We have 2 beautiful children and I honestly did not see it coming.

He he tells me he still loves me and doesn’t want to lose his best friend. I love him and always will

I am gutted but want to support him. We aren’t planning on separating yet but I’m sure it will come in due course.

I want ant to stay strong for him and the kids but can’t stop crying.

I’m lost

Hi SadAV,

Thanks for posting and sharing your story, that sounds like a really tough situation. It is so hard when we settle into a life we've built, and then all of a sudden that gets pulled out from under us and we don't know where we stand. That's really caring and brave of you to want to support him through this time, considering how much you're hurting.

Perhaps in this crucial time it's most important to just try to take care of yourself, and let some time pass. This is huge news, and it will surely alter the course of your lives, so there is plenty of time to work out how to best approach it. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your husband, and that you have a good family life too, which is great because you guys have strong foundations to slowly set up a new framework for all of this to work out well.

Perhaps it could be helpful to talk to someone about it, like a psychologist or counsellor, to give yourself a chance to share and explore the rush of ideas and emotions that must be buzzing around your head. But feel free to keep chatting here on the forum, I'll keep an eye on this thread :)

Hang in there,

Jackson85

Hello SadAV and welcome to the forums. I’m glad you reached out here, this sounds like such a difficult time.

I was wondering if you have anyone you can talk to about this? This is a big change and you shouldn’t be alone with it. It’s going to be important that each of you has a source of support through this. Would you consider seeing a psychologist so you can talk it all through and get emotional support when you need it? Your GP will be able to give you a Mental Health Care Plan that will allow you 10 free sessions with a psychologist each year. It might be something you want to suggest your husband do also.

I also saw online that there’s an organisation called the Straight Spouse Network Australia at

https://ssnaustralia.wordpress.com/

It looks like they provide face to face, group and online support throughout Australia for partners in your position. It might be worth getting in touch with them because they’ll know exactly what you’re going through and also will be able to point you in the direction of other resources.

It’s admirable that you want to stay strong for your husband and kids, but don’t forget to take care of yourself in this. You’ve had a big shock and you’ll need to practice being kind to yourself to get through. Please reach out for support, and good luck. Don’t forget the forum is here whenever you need.

Alexlisa

Hi SadAV Welcome to the forum, you've reached out to a great group. I'm on the other side of what you are going through, I came out to my wife of 20 years last year. I too, have 2 kids.

It gutted me to come out to my wife. I love her so dearly-and I still do. You sound so much like my wonderful wife. She loves me still, and supports me despite being on the end of the news I gave her. I came out due to shame/guilt/depression that almost cost me my life.

Jackson & Alexlisa have given some great advice, I can only agree with them. Whilst you are trying to support him with his journey, you are trying cope yourself. This may be quite difficult. You need to be honest with him on how you are feeling too, and he needs to understand what you are going through, he needs to give you time to mull over and ask any any questions you may have.

My wife and I continually communicated with each other, it wasn't always easy, there were many tears from both of us, but with calm discussion we were able to work through it and what our lives looked like going forward.

Definitely seek some counselling, there is a LGBT peer phone counselling service that you can contact called QLIFE - google them for their details. Whilst they are LGBT they can help 'allies' of LGBT people too. They can recommend a LGBT friendly counsellor or psychologist for both you and your husband. Though you don't identify with being LGBT, an LGBT counsellor can shed some light on situations that a non LGBT one can.

My wife spoke to an "everyday" counsellor, but got a great deal more comfort from spending some time with the gay counsellor that I was speaking to. He was able to clear up the questions that she had as to "how could he have loved me? yet married me knowing he was gay?" - amongst many others.

It is really important that you keep communicating with each other, not only do you have each other to consider, you need to consider the kids. unfortunately as parents, we don't get to put them away in the cupboard and forget about them whilst we deal with these important issues.

Can I ask how old your kids are? at the time I came out, my son was 16, and daughter was 10.

I moved out of the family home 6 months after coming out (last November). It has been difficult for both me and my family, but I see them all a number of times each week, talk almost every day. We have started to settle into our NEW "normal".

We all still love each other, and support each other.

Keep chatting as you need.

Take care

Daz

Thanks Daz

the kids are 9 (boy) and 6 (girl). We still love each other and the confusing part is he still kisses me and hugs me every day.

we have plenty of time to work things out and I’m honestly happy if he wants to stay.

Thank you for your advice. He is seeing a psychologist already to help him understand and hopefully we can work through it together.

Hey Sadav,

Gosh, you do sound like my wife. He is so fortunate, like I am, to have a wonderful woman in his life.

My wife told me that she didn't want to separate, but for us, that wasn't going to work. I had sunk so low, that I'm certain that if I hadn't come out, that I wouldn't be here today.

My wife deserved someone that could give her everything she needed, and I guess, I did too.

Good luck, make sure you take care of yourself as well, you are important and you matter too.

You both can work through what the future looks like. My wife and I still love each other, we still kiss and hug and call each other.

Last Thursday was our 21st wedding anniversary, and though we are no longer together, we went out and had lunch. We've decided to call it our "Happy Memory day" rather than anniversary, and will continue to do so.

As things progress, what/when and how you tell your kids is going to be important. Seek some professional help before you do.

There are other suggestions too, but I don't want to overwhelm you.

Daz

Thanks Daz

I hope we can have the same relationship you and your wife do.

I am struggling at the moment as to the uncertainty of the situation.

I know it’s only early in the situation and it’s really hard for both of us I just don’t know what to do.

I want to stay together but know I have to let him go at some stage. He doesn’t even know what he wants yet!

whats harder is that I don’t associate him as being gay. I have a lot of gay friends and he is so far away from anything they are like. I’m not being stereotypical it’s just that there is nothing gay about him!

im so proud of him for telling me and getting help at the same time.

I am struggling with what the future holds and the thought of him being with someone else.

Did your wife feel the same?

thanks for listening

Hey SadAV

you both care for each other so as long as you both continue to do so & respect each other, there is no reason that your relationship would be any different to mine. As mentioned, the key is communication, honesty, compassion,respect, & I mean that from his as well.

Gee, every time you post, you sound just like my wife. I really admire you. I only imagine how hard it is for you seeing how hard it was for my wife. Remember to seek counselling for yourself too, please. it is very important.

It is an uncertain situation. There is no going back on the words he said-words that he HAD to say no matter what. I buried it, & as mentioned, It almost took me.

I understand you want to stay together, but you are also right-you will need to let go at some stage, I'm afraid. He will have a burning desire to be himself. I didn't know what I wanted either, to be honest, still struggle with it. My wife and I both thought of each other as our "forever person". I would NEVER have come out if I could have continued to supress myself. It was only the deep depression that forced it. I would never have chosen to leave such a wonderful life.

I was faithful, never explored this side. I haven't met anyone or done anything, I still struggle with it. I knew I was gay all my life but wanted what society told me was "normal". It is a process that he will need to go through, like I did/am.

No-one associated me as being gay! the amount of jaws that dropped when I told them! It got quite amusing for me as I became more comfortable and open to discussing it with friends and family. You aren't stereotyping, there are so many gay men and women out there they just don't feel the need to show it. It's things like movies etc that stereotype what a gay person is, mostly it is just plain wrong.

My wife struggled with what the future held. She late 40's & will now need to think about whether she stays alone or finds someone. I will forever have to bear that cross, I will forever be ashamed & guilty for it. There is nothing that can be said to me that will take that away. I'm coming up to being "out" for 12mths, living on my own since November. That is difficult as it can be lonely.

I get you struggling with him being with someone else, I did/do-my wife did/does, & I'm sure your husband does too. Unfortunately nothing can be done about that, apart from remembering how much you love each other. Ask as many Questions as you need. Only to happy to help, I got lots on here too.Take care, Daz

Wow it sounds like a mirror!

everything you have said is exactly us. Your words are helping to no end.

thank you. I will keep asking questions and really appreciate your help so far.

I have just confided in a friend so I have her to talk to too but it’s nothing like speaking with someone who has been through it too.

Thank you and I will chat soon

You are most welcome SadAV!

So many people helped me through a great deal of pain and uncertainty. Talking does help. The good thing here is that we all are anonymous, so you can say what ever you want without any pressure or judgment.

I'm so happy that you now have a friend to talk to. I encouraged my wife to speak to her best friend early on. The good thing was that my wifes friend happened to be a social worker and had a fair understanding of our pain, and was able to help her without judging me and what I had done. I must admit that I was a little worried early on, I was scared that my wife would have negative people commenting in her ear, and possibly turning her against me, but everyone was amazing and supportive of both of us.

Yes, keep chatting. I check here daily, but it may not necessarily be quick, just in case I don't post for a few hours.

Cheers Daz

The roller coaster of emotions is so hard.

How long did it take your wife to accept everything?

We have been talking heaps which is great but I’m still confused. He has told me he doesn’t even know if he wants to live a gay life. It’s not something he ever expected and isn’t sure he wants to pursue this lifestyle

Did you ever feel that way?

Thanks

The rollercoaster emotions is hard. It took a while for my wife to come to terms with everything, but there were a few factors. I think she had already started to suspect something, not that she knew what, but things fell into place. She remembered seeing me looking at images on the internet (of nice looking guys - but no graphic). Also, the fact that I had fallen into a deep depression.

Acceptance comes in parts - 1. that her husband was gay. 2. that we would end up separating.

They both have challenges as the realisation hit home, and it was a process. I sort of think that one coping mechanisms was to just "ignore" it to a point, be business like in what she did. She couldn't change it, but had to move on. She chatted to her best friend and took one day at a time. Kids to school, work etc. We talked about things and started to make plans for our individual futures, one that still saw each other as a very important part of.

I know that she still has sad moments and cries behind closed doors, and she tells me that she is ok now, but I do that as well, after-all we were together for 20+ years - you can't just wipe all that away - just make the best of the situation.

You will come to that point as well, I have no doubt. You know that whatever happens, its not because you don't love each other - quite the opposite really. Like my wife and I, you will continue to be best friends. You have shared so much of your lives together and created 2 beautiful kids!

Yes, I have doubts and fears of leading a gay life. I wasn't sure that I wanted to either. But I now realise that my life is still normal. Coming out has made me feel so much better about myself. I am now happier to be breathing. I was happy in hiding (as much as I could be anyway), but it just ate away at me.

It's not really a lifestyle. Thinking of it as such is that "stereotyping" we mentioned. It is what each person makes of it. I have gone out and joined LGBT groups, not to find someone or "do" something, but to find myself and make new friends. I haven't experienced anything and not in a rush too either. I have made a load of new friends from these groups.

I hope you are keeping yourself well, eating, sleeping etc. You will continue to have many questions, but please make sure that whilst you support him, that you take care of yourself too. It may mean not supporting him quite as much, to focus on you. You are just as important. I had to remind my wife of this.

Take care SadAV

Daz

Thank you.

It it gets worse for me though. I have just discovered he has been seeing a 17 year old boy since March last year.

He has lied to me and I can’t trust him but I’m not ready to kick him out because I’m not ready to tell the kids.

I am going to confront him today and am terrified at what may happen.

Thank you for letting me letting me talk. I really appreciate it

I confronted him about it and now I feel terrible.

He told me the situation and admitted he was tempted but didn’t and could t go through with it. He hasn’t spoken to this boy since October.

Now he doesn’t trust me. I have never gone through his phone or anything before and now I feel ashamed I have done this.

I hate myself

Ok SadAV, don't hate yourself. You are entitled to have questions.

I cant say that it was ok, as unless he gives you reason to question what he tells you, there is no reason not to. Coming to you with his truth was a massive step from him, but then it is a hard truth for you to take on and be okay with.

My wife didn't go through my phone, I probably would have been upset but I would have understood.

Don't hate yourself, don't lose trust in each other. That is a hard path to come back from.

He will just have to accept that you too will have doubts, get angry, get sad etc etc.

Ok, so he has admitted that he was tempted but didn't go through with it. That means that he respected you enough to not do it behind your back.

I guess that you may need to decide what information you want to know, and what you don't. Do you really need to know anything more than you already do? If you have questions, then you need to sit down with him and just ask them. It will help you move on. I told my wife that she could ask me any question that she wanted to - no holes barred. We've known each other longer enough to know when the truth isn't being told. But then again, if it isn't the truth or what you want to hear, do you really want to ask the question?

I gave my wife my word that I hadn't explored my feelings whilst we were married, and that was good enough for her. Is this what you want to know? that he hasn't done something - anything - whilst with you?

I imagine that you have many questions of him, but really think about whether you want to know them in detail. Is it more important to think about what the future looks like? Is he going to move out? if so when? (but don't be in a rush - there is no need) then you have child support and property and finances to think about.

I think that these are far more important questions. This is all so new and frightening for both of you.

My wife took solace in the fact that we were not separating from the lack of love, or that we fell out of love, or we just didn't get along. Also the fact that I didn't leave her for another person. You, like my wife, are a brave, kind and compassionate person. It's just that you are now scared and grieving.

I still recommend to you to go and seek professional help. You need to express these doubts and feelings to someone.

take care

Daz

Hi SadAV,

I have been where you are just starting to tread and had to reach out to and let you know just like Daz and his wife that you can remain good friends.

It has been a couple of years now for me since my husband of 20 years came out to me. We have children similar age to yours.

I really don't know where to begin, yes it is one hell of a roller coaster of emotions, ones I had never experienced before.

Communication is a must, talking to someone else and getting support through this is also very important. I started by telling a close friend. Women partners of bisexual men services is a service I have used. It is NSW based but can be used for anyone in Australia and they are talking to women like us in this situation we are trying to navigate and deal with. Free call, no cost, amazing service, they get it, they understand what we are going through and will help you.

You and your husband are both dealing with so many emotions.

Something that we always said to each other and reminded ourselves that we were not cross at each other it was the situation we were having to deal with and it's hard, bloody hard.

So ask any questions, and I will try and answer the best I can.

Take care, I'm here for you.

Newday

There are so many bloody wonderful people in this world!

Thank you Newday.

I'm reading your post and in tears! There are plenty of horror stories where things go bad, but like you guys and my wife, there are so many wonderful ones too.

I thank you both for being such loving, caring and compassionate people.

I'm sending you very big hugs!

Daz

Thanks Newday.

You are right, it is bloody hard. I’m good one minute and in tears the next.

i know we will come through this bigger and better. We have too much respect for each other and are best friends.

It’s not his choice and that helps. It helps knowing he hasn’t actually acted on anything and has never cheated. It’s not me.

The main question I have, how long did it take before you stated to feel ‘better’? To start feeling ok again?

i am ok just sad and heart broken.

People say it is your own individual journey, you work through it at your own pace and it is.

On average in the beginning it would have been at least once a week I would be up and then down, just like a roller coaster. You think it is never going to end, it does. I would say that part lasted a year.

For me I'm starting to feel better now, but in saying that I felt terrible about a week ago. I was thinking I was going so well, no tears, feeling strong and then it bit me in the bum again.

It's the uncoupling we have to do. Even though we remain the best of friends we need to untangle ourselves, doing the opposite of what we did when we got together.

Logically you understand, throw in the emotions and that is what does your head in.

You start to question things, how is this going to work?

As you start to share with people what is going in your life, other stories come to light. A friend of my mum's had a girlfriend of hers, same situation, remained friends, it took about 2 years for her to feel 'better'.

You are dealing with grief, the future you had in your mind is changing and you are trying to figure out this new future, but have no idea what it looks like.

It's ok to feel sad, this is a part of you. Listen to your feelings, they are important and need to be heard.

Just know that this is a feeling and like all other feelings we have, be it happy, heart broken, it will move on and pass until next time as you are probably starting to realise.

Take care!

Newday

Again, thank you.

it’s good to know I am in the same situation as so many others.

We have been really good at communicating which is helping us both.

We have a family holiday booked in July to Bali and after that we are going to start the uncoupling. It hurts to write it but I know it will be best for us both.

We have started working out the finer details which is great. I hate this roller coaster though.

I feel a million times better than I did this time last week and I would like to thank you and Daz for your words. It’s been a huge help.

Take care x

Hi SadAV,

I am so sorry for your situation. It's awful for you, for him and the kids. I, like Daz am on the other side of the coin. I came out to my husband as a lesbian a little iver 8 months ago and all of our lives have been totally turned upside down. We were together for 35 years and have 2 adult children. My husband like you is very up and down. I have now moved out. Fortunately he sees a psychologist from time to time. We are determined to stay friends but this gets very hard for him at times as he is grieving and the guilt is sometimes too much to bear for me. We have actually reduced how often we see eachother as often we both end up in tears. This will change in time. To echo the words of others, this is a time for self care for you. As he is on a new path, so are you and as he has come out, this experience means that you and your family will also need to come out. This is huge for you. My advice, make sure you tell people you trust who will be a support. Interms of your question about how long this will take, well grief is very individual . My husband is struggling as i am now with someone, he is left behind, totally understandable. Daz's situation is different again. (Hi Daz) Just make sure you keep your perspective - this isn't about you, totally him, there is no time limit on grief and as you are grieving, its not a time for normal behaviour. Let yourself be sad because it is but you, like my hubby will find your way. There is no other alternative but it will take time.

E

Hey Esti! good to hear from you. It made me smile see your name on the post!

Hope you are going well.

cheers

Daz

I have just joined up to this site and I am so thankful to have found this particular thread. The stories and support have settled my heart a little. I am. To unique - there are others!! I’m actually not sure if I click ‘reply’ to the last post or on the original post in order to share my journey. Please educate me if I’m wrong!

My husband of 26 years has finally said to me the words “I’m gay”. About 12 years ago we went to counselling together as he had admitted the he was confused about his sexuality (well it was more that he had left his phone on with a Gaydar chat and I came across it quite by accident, then I sat down to ask him about it). We talked about it and he promised me that was the only time he had sought out sites/chats like that and that he was just curious. Later, he accidentally let it slip and name when discussing his confusion and he admitted that he had previously planned to meet someone he had met at Uni who had just come out and have a physical encounter to satisfy his curiosity. Unfortunately he had misplaced his phone with the address in it so the meeting it never eventuated. We decided to go to counselling to try and work through this. There were a couple of other things that came out in the counselling of things that had happened, which was hard to hear (not because of what had happened but because he had previously promised me ‘this was the only time’ and it definitely created mistrust). Anyway through the counselling he insisted that he loved me (and said he loved boobs hahah) and that is was just a curious phase and he loved me. Life continued on.

Sadly 9 years ago he had a serious back injury at work. Life became a series of pain, Dr’s appointments, specialist visits, operations, medications, which in my mind (hopeful thinking?) accounted for the reason that we hadn’t been intimate in the past 7 years. I had become his helpmate and ‘carer’ as well as remaining his best friend, but we ceased being lovers...... to be continued ......

There's lots of different stories in this section of the forum and really, you are the only person that can decide if the relationship can continue or not. Some couples are perfectly happy having an asexual marriage where it is more of a sister/brother like bond because they aren't very sexual ppl anyway, or they get their passion fix from their sport, their work, their hobbies or some other area of life and the financial side of their marriage is what keeps them there.

I am the sort of person where once trust is gone its gone forever. That's just me, and it sounds like you've put on a brave face but there have been some lies and deception. Maybe those lies and deception could have been healed if you and your spouse rekindled your intimacy, and reconnected but you said there has been no intimacy for years.

I guess the only advice I would give you is leave love out of it. Love will only confuse you even more. Its completely possible to love someone who is not capable of meeting your needs, sexual or otherwise. Its also possible to fall in love with someone who has a different sexual orientation to you. If you think that the litmus test of your husbands sexuality can be determined by if he loves you or not, you may be in for some very rude shocks and surprises. We're taught that its not possible to love someone that is gay when you're straight, but thats all wrong. There was a great French Canadian movie that came out to the festival some years ago when a straight womens love of her life was a trans guy. i have forgotten its name but it was a good depiction of the assumptions we make, about who will can love and not love. But in the end he couldn't satisfy her, and the love was not enough.

Sounds like with his injury he's been very dependent on you as a carer. I think that if you ignore your own needs for too long this could develop into resentment.

Talk to your husband, maybe you would like to try an open relationship. that's not for every one and I guess you risk him falling in love with someone else.

Def

Thanks Def,

Unfortunately sex and intimacy is very important to me, which is probably why I only ever gently pushed the issue over the years as I didn’t want him to be resentful and pull away even more. I’ve missed it soooo much!!! Our last real intimate moment as I said before was 7 years ago but it was amazing (well it was to me anyway and I thought it was for him too?). It’s not like there was a slow decline in intimacy with issues cropping up in the bedroom overtime that may have led me to be suspicious. It just went from 100 to 0. I think that’s why it doesn’t make sense to me ..... and I feel like I’ve been waiting patiently for the past 7 years only to be met with this bombshell! It hurts so bad ......

He is moving into the spare room once his new bed arrives and we will see how we both adjust to this change (financially we can’t live apart) at this point). An open relationship ..... I wouldn’t know where to start bringing that one up, I can barely get him to talk about this issue.

Its a very painful situation, but you come across like youre still in disbelief. Like even though he's been explicit verbally you don't quite believe him. That he has provided evidence that he has experienced pleasure from straight sex and therefore he can't be gay. I'd be careful with the conclusions you draw. People can really turn it on thick and fast when they want to and lies are something he is comfortable with, because he has been lying to himself and burying that part of himself for years. Its become 2nd nature. I think its natural to scramble in your mind and go into denial. You've just be served a real shock. Even if you guys are no longer sharing the marital bed you can still continue communicating.

People say its easy these days to come out. No its not, its not easy at all. My male gay friends are often making jokes about all the 'straight' married men they pick up on dating apps and websites and Grindr. Do you really want to be the butt of people's jokes? Once you lose your self respect it can be very hard to get it back. Don't take your self respect for granted.

I just think that there's a good chance he's been exploring and has for a while, if not for real, in his mind. You don't sound like the type of person that wants to live without physical intimacy in your life. Some people don't need much of it, but you sound like you do, we're all different, there's no wrong or right, and over the life course it changes. Esther Perel was out for the festival and on ABC podcast the other day and listening to her talk made me realise that I am the sort of person that wants passion and sensuality in my life with a special someone. It wouldn't be enough for me to get passion from a career or hobby or sport, I want it from an intimate relationship. there's no guarantee I'll find it, but it is just the way I am built. I am not built for an open relationship myself, I have straight and gay friends that do, but its not for me. I just put it out there in case you might consider it.

Communicate your boundaries and don't let him make a fool out of you. I let someone do that to me and it was the most awful feeling in the world.

Def

Hi SadAV,

This is an old post, but I wanted to reply to help others who might have stumbled across this post in a Google search (like I did). There is a reply here that links to a website for helping straight spouses, but that organisation no longer exists, and filling out the contact form goes nowhere. However, there is another organisation called OurPath:

https://ourpath.org

OurPath is an LGBTI affirming organisation that has been helping straight spouses and partners of trans people to navigate the challenges of learning that their partner is LGBTI since 1986. There is an Australian contingent of this group that offers both one on one and group support, if you fill out the contact form on the website, you will be linked up with fellow Australians that are going through the same thing as you.

All the best.