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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Questioning my gender identity...

Topic: Questioning my gender identity...

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Hesse
    Hesse avatar
    3 posts
    30 March 2018

    I'm 16, female, year 12 - always had trouble socialising and connecting with other people.

    For a while now, but especially recently, I have been unsure about my gender identity and it's causing me a lot of stress. I don;t know what to think about myself and my future right now, so I thought I could come here for help and advice.

    Here are some of the things making me question myself, maybe someone can help me make sense of it:

    • Ever since I was young, I've been more comfortable in men's clothes than women's; I hate wearing women's t-shirts, skirts/dresses, shorts, tank tops, etc. I am also interested in tattoos, piercings, etc., but only in a 'masculine' way; if I get piercings they'll be considered 'feminine' instead of 'cool' (for lack of a better word).
    • The idea of being referred to as things such as 'sister', 'auntie', or 'mum' repulse me, and I always refer to myself as the 'fun uncle' when considering the future relationship I may have with my sisters' children. I also can't stand referring to myself in terms like 'woman' or 'lady'.
    • None of my role-models or idols are women; I can't relate to women as much as men and when I imagine myself in a profession it is always the male version of that profession in comparison to a female in the same role. Male characters in movies/TV shows/etc. are more relatable to me than female characters.
    • I've always hated the idea of becoming a parent (hence the 'fun uncle' thing), but when I imagine being called 'dad' the concept does not seem as unappealing to me. I suppose the real problem is I don't want to be a 'mother'.
    • The idea of bringing a future partner (I'm straight aka into guys) to meet my parents, or even being in a relationship, is terrifying to me; but the same scenario as two men is much more comforting to me. The idea of a homosexual relationship is much more appealing to me than a heterosexual relationship. I have also always gotten along with guys better than with girls, but feel too separated from them emotionally and mentally to be friends.
    • Watching that short documentary about Lauren/Levi-Nathan made me cry because I was scared I might want the same thing.

    I have always identified as female, but I don't know if that's because it's the gender I truly feel I am, or just the outcome of working with what I have. I have a very feminine face and objective nature; I can't help feeling that the real or only reason I identify as female is because I am biologically female.

    Please help me understand~

    2 people found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9163 posts
    30 March 2018 in reply to Hesse

    Hi Hesse, welcome

    What's a 62yo hetro male doing replying to you? Well the principle of uniqueness applies to everyone in the world. Think about the categories we can fall into- LBGTIQ (that's six to start with), hetro, A sexual, bipolar, depression, BPD, anxious, extrovert/ get the picture eh. Not one of us is exactly the same even twins.

    I read a comment from a well known female singer/songwriter when she gave away a lot of money to her new girlfriend so she was declaring a new relationship and it surprised the media. "I believe sexuality is a fluid thing, if I want to be with a guy I can, a girl I can...its fluid". It was a good attitude. If people run with that attitude with the view- "its my life and my body and my feelings,...I'll go my own way through life as long as I'm not hurting people.

    Now when people get hurt by your newly declared sexuality you are not hurting them, they are hurting themselves because they exercise their rights to their views on what they expect of you. It's their problem- so they should deal with it. Would you interfere in their choices? I don't think so.

    This freedom is amongst our greatest assets of our time, the freedom to be what you feel you want to be, what ever that is. By worrying about it and holding off on your true feeling towards others or a simple matter of developing your feelings about your desires and sexuality is to rob yourself of ...YOU.

    To help find YOU, it is good if you blend into the world by which you seek. the gay/transgender world is out there, full of understanding and acceptance, fun and non judgements.

    The "coming out of the closet" step is a hard one for anyone. Again, if your parents are shock its understandable. If they preach to you about their own expectations...see above!! But hopefully they will take some time adjusting but still love you. Give and take is essential. A chat with your GP is also a good move. You can chat about your parents and hormone therapy etc.

    I hope you feel better. Google this one for a message in that thread

    topic: acceptance- the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. jay1998b
    jay1998b avatar
    8 posts
    4 June 2018 in reply to Hesse


    Oh my god, I could've written exactly that post last year! Questioning your gender is a long process, and even over a year later, I'm still asking myself questions about what I want and what I can do to get there. My advice to myself would have been this: experiment and listen to yourself.

    You keep taking little steps, making little trials and errors, and you look back to find you've come a long way, and you're happier, and you're tougher, and you're changed. Just look stuff up online, talk to friends and family you can trust. Accept that you might get hurt or scared, but also that you might realise how much people love and care about you. It can be whatever you want it to be. Reach out for support if you need it. Don't expect instant transition too soon, but also don't feel intimidated by it. Mostly, you are just going to learn stuff by doing it, or at least, that's the only way I learnt, haha.

    Hope you're doing well, and good luck with year 12


    1 person found this helpful

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