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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Sexuality and marriage.

Topic: Sexuality and marriage.

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. HillTopGuru
    HillTopGuru avatar
    3 posts
    29 January 2018
    I hope somebody can point me in the right direction. As a bisexual male in a marriage of 8 years I find I am really struggling. I love my partner very much but find it difficult to accept who I am. My wife doesn't like the fact I am at my core bisexual. Day to day life I ignore these feelings but for the last four years have been using drugs about every 3 months to feel comfortable in my skin. Of course this has disastrous consequences and leaves me worse than where I left off. Its a mental addiction because I go about three months in between before I want to act out again. Probably in the hope I will experience a wholly satisfying sexual experience. But I never go through with it because that would mean cheating on my wife. My previous relationships with women lasted usually four years before I broke up with them so I could be bisexual. I don't want to leave my wife. My love and care for her outweighs my sexual desires but I find it so hard to be happy. I'm confused about my bisexuality too. I don't 'love' men like I do a woman but I enjoy sex with both since puberty. Am I being selfish or undisciplined? I'm at the point now my conscious brain tells me I don't need it. It all feels like a viscious circle. I have had relationships where my bisexuality was embraced and was a lot of fun. Maybe when I met my wife I was still denying who I was. I had told her about my past so she thought that was done and dusted. So did I. I have seen drug counsellors although I don't fit the stereotype, sexual counsellors x3 and I still don't seem to be anywhere. If I left her I think I would hate myself and who I am even more. I don't know what to do. This current path does not have a happy ending though. Anyone's thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
    2 people found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9167 posts
    29 January 2018 in reply to HillTopGuru

    Hi HTG, welcome

    There are so many facets of your post I cant help with. However, I do know like you that society has changed for the better in terms of accepting an individuals sexuality.

    You are HTG, no one else and you have a basic human right to a lot of things like- being your own person including your sexuality, having beliefs that you had "left that life behind" when you met your wife when in fact later on you found that you couldn't do that 100%, entitled to feel guilty for such "U-turn....get the picture?

    Of course this does nothing to mend the hurt for your wife and doesn't fill in the gaps of sexual satisfaction you yearn for. Your wife also has done nothing wrong. She took the chance/gamble that your pledge was permanent. There is no room for the "blame game" from you nor your wife. You can be very understanding towards her but these unexpected developments in life sadly, aren't planned. So here is my thoughts.-

    As much as your wife has been forgiving and supportive you have to forge ahead with your own journey because whatever that be, its a journey that you need to make. There is a chance your wife will accept that side of you and stay together. Stranger things have happened. But if not hopefully she will remain friends.

    This situation is subjective like colour choice. Some might say "stay devoted" etc. I understand that. But your fundamental happiness and need to become your own person in sexuality and lifestyle is paramount to your happiness. To be yourself is to live with a smile on your face. Hurting your family along the way isn't a choice.

    I hope you walk the tightrope to best remedy, a blend of continuing your own journey and caring for those that love you. Be brave and when ever it all gets too much contact the services like at the bottom of this page and have a chat. Seek out some counseling and do all those things to make that journey as least bumpy as you can make it. Thankyou for your honest post

    Good luck.

    Tony WK

    2 people found this helpful
  3. marcus_c
    marcus_c avatar
    92 posts
    29 January 2018

    Hi HillTopGuru, hopefully I can pick up on some the bits that Tony WK has left in his great post to you.
    I feel really sorry for bisexual guys that I know, because they often find it difficult to be accepted. Straight people distrust or dismiss the gay side (a bit like your wife thinking it was just a phase in your past), and gay people often will just say you're in denial, dismissing your straight side.

    I'm feeling from your post that you have some shame about your feelings for men, using words like 'addiction' and 'act out' to describe perfectly normal human desires.

    There have been a few posts similar to yours on here recently, so I'm going to repeat something I said on another post. There are three parts to sexuality, orientation (what identity or label you choose for yourself, such as 'bisexual' or 'gay' or 'straight'), attraction - how you feel inside about members of the same and/or opposite sex, and behaviour - what you actually do.

    Attraction is a complicated thing. You can feel sexually attracted to men but prefer romantic relationships with women. This is why, even in this more accepting time, you still see so many straight men in marriages to women while loading up Grindr on the side to have hookups.

    Now I'm not saying you should do that, based on what you've said that would be cheating on your wife. You've said that your love and care for her outweighs your sexual desires, but you've also said you've had relationships in the past where your bisexuality was accepted and you were more satisfied. There are many people who live in satisfactory open relationships where sex with others outside the relationship is permitted.

    What I think this comes down to is a common but painful problem in many relationships, one where the desires of the partners are in a direct conflict. For some it might be about having children, or moving overseas. In your case, it's your sexuality.

    It's a big part of who you are and I wish you luck in figuring out how to juggle these priorities in your life.

    4 people found this helpful
  4. HillTopGuru
    HillTopGuru avatar
    3 posts
    30 January 2018

    Thank youTony WK and Marcus-c, it is helpful to have people who understand available. Your replies are much appreciated.

    The last few days I have had time to reflect on the direction of my life and where I want it to go. It feels like my feet are either side of an ever- increasing gap

  5. HillTopGuru
    HillTopGuru avatar
    3 posts
    30 January 2018

    Thank you TonyWK and Marcus-c. It is valuable to have understanding people out there and your replies and advice are much appreciated.

    The last few days I have had time to reflect on where my life is heading. It feels like my feet are either side of an ever-increasing gap. Now I have to choose which side to place both feet.

    I have chosen to remain committed to my wife and deal with my inner turmoil as best I can. I am fully aware that things won't be easy for me but it feels like the right choice. Substance abuse used to be my go to and I am taking steps to avoid that path in the future. I really feel like a complex case of the human condition:)

    Having people here on this forum makes me feel less alone in my head which is a common feeling. Thank you for your support.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Landon
    Landon avatar
    4 posts
    4 February 2018 in reply to marcus_c

    I agree, it’s a really hard situation. Listen to your head here. I was in a heterosexual relationship and was married for 7 years before I came out. Yes this was different for me as I am gay. And I also knew this, however I did identify myself as Bi sexual for some of the time, especially at the beginning. Not for a second am I saying that his is the same situation. A truely bisexual man is placed in a very tricky and almost impossible situation. Perhaps, trying to identify what is ideal for you is the first step to understanding what type of life you want for yourself. I agree with the others. This is your journey and you need to be honest with yourself first - before you can work out the rest. Speaking to a psychologist can help - they may be able to help you break it all down which may make it easier for you. Best wishes and best of luck my friend.

    Regards,

    Landon

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Johnny_11
    Johnny_11 avatar
    28 posts
    6 March 2018 in reply to HillTopGuru
    Hey buddy, Im in a similar situation, including the drug use, only mines like once a month. I go out for 2 days straight, I just need it to feel alive again, to fill the emptiness inside I guess. My wife knows about my sexuality, I have cheated on her in the past but now am committed in a monogamous marriage. I also think I wouldn't necessarily be happy if I left her, and most likely hate myself more, especially as we have 2 kids together.
  8. Ruby 2
    Ruby  2   avatar
    81 posts
    26 April 2018 in reply to white knight

    Wow Tony you absolutely nailed it.I have often been in awe of the advice and support you give.

    I am the straight spouse of a recently declared gay man.Now he tells me he thinks he is bi. I can't continue as his wife but would wish to remain friends.It is so interesting seeing both sides don't you think.I just hope and wish that kindness , love and acceptance can prevail.This life can be hard why do we choose to make it more so?Peace and love to you- to anyone who reads Tony's posts this man has wisdom and insight and helps beyond measure.understanding never goes unrewarded-hugs to you. Take care.

    Ruby 2😁

    2 people found this helpful

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