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Forums / Staying well / I feel as if I have *finished*

Topic: I feel as if I have *finished*

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. David Nobody
    David Nobody avatar
    117 posts
    9 July 2019

    Hi,

    I’m back, and I’m still not achieving anything productive, and I’m back to thinking “what is the point?”

    My “salary continuance” is going to run out in November/January (depending on which date they use, start of “issue”, or start of payment) and I don’t have anything to replace it, or know if I need/want anything to replace it.

    Psychiatrist has said “I’m good to not see her for 6 months” (about 4 months ago I think). Psychologist is ongoing with an appointment every 4/5 weeks. But not a lot of progress, I’m on a long plateau. Weekly “group sessions” are basically a check-in and pass the time.

    I’m occupying my time writing, but that is exactly what I am doing, “occupying my time”. I get no real enjoyment from it, and there is added pressure (that I put on myself mostly) to get a certain amount written each day. The lack of sales/interest has reduced the pressure from the outside world as I can now say “see I told you”, and the do-gooders-with-the-best-of-intentions are backing off.

    I’m Half-heartedly looking for a job, similar to the one I chucked to get myself into this ludicrous situation. Approx 10 applications a week for the last month or so, with 1/4 saying “no thank you”, and 3/4 non reply. I’m eligible for Centrelink work placement assistance, so am probably eligible for a disability pension. That and my super would cover costs, and money from inevitable inheritance would close any gaps.

    Health/exercise/weight/food/sleep/sun are stable, not getting worse, but neither are they getting better. And lack of weight loss over the last year, with significant effort to reducing it, doesn’t help motivation. That and I really don’t care, I only do it because I am told. Blaming the medication would be an easy answer, but that would only be an excuse.

    I have no interest either in pursuing friendships or relationships.

    And I’ve forgotten my point in writing this... as I have forgotten many things.

    N

  2. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15291 posts
    9 July 2019 in reply to David Nobody

    Hi David Nobody, and welcome.

    Well you have listed different events and options, 'and I’ve forgotten my point in writing this... as I have forgotten many things', it's a great beginning and pleased that you have begun.

    What in particular is the first thing you want to achieve or what concerns you the most, then we will be able to have a starting point.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  3. David Nobody
    David Nobody avatar
    117 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    so you drew the short straw this time...

    The main issue I suffer from, is having no goals. And this is therefore my major concern. I know I have ”wasted” the brain that was placed in my head. It is different from “normal” and should have achieved great things... it didn’t, and won’t.

    N

  4. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15291 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to David Nobody

    Hi David, thanks for getting back to me.

    I have a quote: Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw

    If you don’t know what you need to do to make your life better, think about something that you have previously done, then these maybe off your list, think in another direction and do something you thought you'd never do, that's exactly what I did to help me overcome depression.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  5. David Nobody
    David Nobody avatar
    117 posts
    13 July 2019 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    creating myself isn’t an option, too late.

    I have been compared to Les Murray, not because I can write poetry that is any good, but because I grew up in the same town, was bullied like him at the same high school, am also an HFA like him, depression, social pariah, size, etc...

    The comparison (by my parents) was to show me that “there is a future for people like you”, “see he did it, so can you”, whatever... just another area where I fail to live up to expectations.

    I was interviewed on UK radio a few days ago, and it was played tonight... they couldn’t even stay up until 9 to listen to it.

    I’m just sick of trying. When I find something I can do, and it takes my mind off depression, and life, and it doesn’t *matter*... what is the point!

    I have 2 poetry books now, material for another 4/5, a novel 1/10th written... and none of it matters.

  6. Emeraldf
    Emeraldf avatar
    2 posts
    16 July 2019 in reply to David Nobody

    Hi David,

    I too am a writer, but just can't do it as my full time job, because as much as I love it and there are stories in my head fighting for release, it's too hard for me to maintain my mental health. Too much self-judgement soon has me losing perspective until it's 'all rubbish' and I have to delete it and head to the fridge.

    Balance for me is incredibly difficult to find - balancing spending enough time in the writing space for producing good work, but not staying there to the point of it becoming toxic. I know not all writers find this difficult, but certainly there are many of us who do. If there are any other factors on top of this (financial pressures, family stresses, health issues etc), then the balance is even harder. For whatever it's worth, I find support in my writers group - successful people yet still as angsty as me which is usually quite reassuring. As well, I still I need to do other things and I do have a part time job that has nothing to do with writing but keeps me in routine and around people.

    Given your poetry books, and more on the go, you definitely sound like someone who maybe has a lot to offer to others - maybe as a paid facilitator/volunteer in the community writing workshop space?

    Making change is always hardest when you're at your lowest, but I hope this phase passes and there's something waiting for you to complement your own writing and show that what you do matters - that you absolutely matter.

    EF

  7. David Nobody
    David Nobody avatar
    117 posts
    17 July 2019 in reply to Emeraldf

    Hi Emerald,

    writing for me is an escape... if I’m writing about me and my issues, I’m not dwelling on them. It is avoidance, avoidance is bad, but I don’t care. it is a relief to publish something, not an achievement.

    i know the stories in my head are intelligent and funny, wry and thoughtful, interesting and tragic...

    Rincewind meets Arthur Dent meets Tim Canterbury meets Hermione...

    Doctor Seuss meets Brothers Grimm meets Mother Goose...

    Sigmund Freud meets Hans Asperger meets Hippocrates meets Nurse Ratched...

    if only I could get people to read them...

    i don’t have a writers group to lean on, I’d be way too pretentious, vain, egotistical and self deprecatingly dialectical for acceptance (me of them, and them of me). And there is absolutely no way I’d ever be a good teacher of writing. I failed English in high school, didn’t read a non syllabus book... ever... have never studied writing.

    but thank you for your support... I do appreciate it

    D

  8. Emeraldf
    Emeraldf avatar
    2 posts
    18 July 2019 in reply to David Nobody

    Hi David,

    In my opinion, viewing avoidance as a bad thing is overrated. Seriously, whatever works for you is a positive and writing for relief is a lot better than alcohol or drugs or gambling or whatever.

    On another note, judging by the invite list, you'd host a ripper of a dinner party!

    EF

    1 person found this helpful
  9. David Nobody
    David Nobody avatar
    117 posts
    18 July 2019 in reply to Emeraldf

    Hi Emerald,

    it is avoidance because I don’t do it with the intention of coming back to what it is that is stressing me. Short term it is ok... Long term it is ill advised. And a lot less fun than alcomohol. I understand and agree with you, but it’s still bad.

    dinner party... not for the last 12 or 15 years... maybe more

    D

  10. David Nobody
    David Nobody avatar
    117 posts
    12 August 2019

    I guess I’m just another sad old man who has fallen through the cracks.

    There is barely a point to posting here. No one will reply, and even if you do, I will negate what you say anyway. I’m very much “too high maintenance” to bother with.

    My salary continuance is going to end in October, 3 months before I expected, as the 2 years is calculated from when my approval was granted, not from the date of first payment. When they granted it in January, they generously backdated it to October. Not the payments mind you, just the approval.

    So I have until then to sell my house... to afford to live. The $300,000 in my super isn’t available until 65, even though that would nearly cover what is owed on my house. Except for a one off payment to pay my mortgage for 3 months when the bank issues a foreclosure. Won’t keep the boat afloat I’m afraid.

    Otherwise it is available if I’m in severe financial hardship, and have been receiving a government payment (disability pension) for 3 or 6 months continuously... House would still have to go.

    I may have mixed that up, but basically there isn’t a long term solution. Never mind that my chronic illnesses will probably have me underground, or in a facility before 65.

    Centrelink says talk to Super fund people. Super fund people say talk to... can you guess?

    As I said at the start of this thread... I have done everything I am supposed to do, all I’m doing now is just waiting...

    Can’t get a job as employers calculate my age from my years experience and degree date. See that there is nothing for the last 2 years and stop reading my cv.

    Kids want nothing to do with me. No relationships to worry about.

    anyway... thanks for reading.

  11. Ebi
    Ebi avatar
    77 posts
    13 August 2019 in reply to David Nobody

    Hi David Nobody,

    It sounds like the therapy you are in is not really hitting the mark for you in dealing with current problems. It might all need a bit of a shake up? New psychologist maybe? What is the response in the weekly group sessions when you talk about your struggles?

    I'm sorry it feels so hard and grim for you at the moment. Please know that you have not fallen through the cracks. We are here and listening.

    Thinking of you, Ebi

  12. David Nobody
    David Nobody avatar
    117 posts
    15 August 2019 in reply to Ebi

    Hi Ebi,

    My psychologist is ok. I respect her and think she knows her stuff, she talks to me like a person, not a patient. I think she is also smarter than me, so that is also good.

    My psychiatrist is the same. Both are willing to tell me things I don’t want to hear. They are both patient with me when I fail at my homework task, and both seem genuinely caring for me. Also they congratulate me on my successes when I don’t see it that way.

    Weekly check-in Group is ok. I get to vent, they get to say oh dear.

    I need someone to tell me what I should want to do. Cos I don’t know.

  13. David Nobody
    David Nobody avatar
    117 posts
    15 August 2019 in reply to David Nobody

    And this is what I mean...

    I’ll never learn

    When I offer my help, I’m always turned away
    So all I learn from that is... nobody wants me
    It’s a lesson that I haven’t learnt many times
    What is even the point of me writing it down?

    I’ll never learn

    I am the lonely stranger here in my own house
    My stomach growls with my only conversation
    The fridge, it is the only one that gives to me
    And the television, this is my only friend

    I’ll never learn

    To come up with a reason, every single day
    Why should I get up? Will anything, ever change?
    I’m always haunted by all of my memories
    My past remembered with the pain not forgotten

    I’ll never learn

    Go for a walk. Go out and enjoy the sunshine
    Look at all the scenery and forget your past
    This is so easy to say, though I never hear
    How it is I am supposed to accomplish this

    I’ll never learn

    Doing as I’m told is what I have always done
    All the answers provided, all decisions made
    Makes for a very hard life when people go far
    The ones who I want near are nowhere to be found

    I’ll never learn

    Pushing help away, no matter from where it comes
    This is always what I do. This is who I am
    I don’t think this will ever change, or if I can
    I‘m alone. This is where I’ll stay. I’ll never learn

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