Hi Quirky and All,

For me it is interesting when I finally have one of those "light bulb" moments and realise my thinking doesn't have to be the way it is and I can change it!

Changes in my medication have me feeling more balanced now than I have been in ages, so I am trying to use this time to understand myself better, find strategies that work and work on changing the negative and unhelpful thoughts while I have the energy and capability to do so.

If I mess up and don't do so well, that is okay. I can accept I messed up and try again! I have messed up in the past and survived, I can do it again!

ope you are doing okay Quirky.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

Mrs Dools

Thanks for sharing you awareness and your acceptance of things that can go wrong and how we can cope.

think that is resilience which I think is a better concept than recovery. People get upset when they have a set back when they though they had recovered.

If we think of resilience we can handle setback as we realise we can cope as we have coped before.

If we have these skills we can quieten our inner critic for a while.

I am ok.

Quirky

At 14 my self esteem was wonderful. I was surrounded my wonderful friends. I didn't have depression. I was having a great time.

Hi Quirky and everyone reading.

Mrs D I'm glad to hear your meds are helping and you're making plans to help yourself if you hit a rough time again. I admire that.

ASDFF I am envious 😊 Apart from less responsibilities at 14 Iwas much the same as I am now.

Quirky thank you for checking again and replying. I must admit my critic went on a rampage. But this was fine and I went straight to the coping strategy I use when this happens. To assume the best, give people the benefit of the doubt and then let it go 😊. Deep down I knew you'd probably just missed a post. Happens every day online and is no big deal.

Dr Kim started a thread long ago I bookmarked and return to whenever I start thinking I've messed up and someone is angry at me. It is called taking things the wrong way on the forums and in life. Most helpful thread ever to counter unhelpful thoughts and catastophising.

Thank you for easing my mind though. Far out it sucks being so anxious to please. I say I don't care but that must be a lie huh.

Hello everyone,

Nat,

I have looked at that Dr kim post when you mentioned it before and it is my go to, as well. Sometimes with loved ones it doesn't work but with people whose opinions don't really matter it does help.

Nat, it is funny you were worrying why I didn't comment and then when I realised I had missed your post due to my appalling lack of scrolling skills, I felt really guilty and my inner critic told me what a mean person and uncaring person I was!!! Then I knew you would understand.

What a pair.!

Take care,

Quirky

Hi Quirky, Nat and All Reading,

Just about every time I click on to the forum, I forget where I was previously.

I can read a post I had written, maybe only 1/2 hour previously and forget that I had even written it!

I'm not sure if it is the medication or just my brain getting old and tired...some days it just does not work as I would like it to.

I must offend lots of people by not responding to posts addressed to me! Sorry everyone!

It can be very easy to be hard on ourselves and to take other people's actions or inactions to heart. Sometimes we just need to go easy on ourselves.

Communication can be so helpful when there have been misunderstandings, even open communication with our own minds so we can work out what is real and what is unhelpful.

Cheers all from Dools

Hello everyone reading

Dools

thnaks for your every honest comment that I can relate to. My memory is so bad add that to my disorganised state, that I am lucky if I remember my name! Do not even mention passwords. !!

You are so right being easier on ourselves and more understanding of others does help and the kinder we are you ourselves the quieter our inner critic will be.

Do others agree that the kinder we are to ourselves the harder it is for our inner critic to be heard and to place doubts in our minds?

Quirky

Hello Everyone

I have not written here for a while though I drop in and read how you are all going. Thanks to all the people who post here who are so honest about their feelings and difficulties and ask for help. That's something I do not do perhaps because my inner critic tells me no one is interested in my feelings and thoughts. I know, intellectually, this is untrue simply because of the people you are. In my heart I struggle and when anything goes wrong I invariably blame myself because why should anyone else care.

Does anyone else relate to this? I find myself running away, metaphorically speaking. I do try to think about what I do well or reasonably well and it works on some occasions if I can get to that place quickly enough. Sometimes events overtake me so fast I am in the middle and struggling before I totally realise what's happening. As Mrs Dools says, my thinking does not have to be this way but I wonder how often I continue these thoughts because it feels as though I am in one of those house of mirrors we used to have at the fair. Finding a way out is so confusing because the door looks like a mirror. Looking into a mirror is scary enough, trying to go through it to get out is horrible.

At the moment my IC is telling me to delete this post unless I want everyone to be sorry for me. Well I will keep it in the thread. I do not think people are sorry for me in the "Poor you" sense. I think you have all been there at some time and are sorry I am stuck here at the moment. I think it can get worse if I am unwell which lowers my resilience to criticism and makes me too tired to argue. When we are vulnerable in this way it can be so hard to get up again.

To answer your question Quirky, yes I do believe the kinder we are to ourselves the less ammunition it gives our IC and the voice is much subdued. Wins all round. The question is how do we keep on being kind to ourselves.

Mary

Mary said In my heart I struggle and when anything goes wrong I invariably blame myself because why should anyone else care. Unfortunately I can relate too well. When you are down logic seems to take a back seat. It is helpful reading posts like Mary & Quirky & all the others because it helps me feel I'm not the only one struggling.

At the moment my IC is fairly quiet but I don't think that is a good sign. I am currently feeling so exhausted, tired, overwhelmed & unable to see a way forward that the IC just blends into the background negativity. It is almost like the inner critic doesn't need to remind me of all I'm doing wrong there is so much evidence anyway. I don't have the energy to try to change at the moment.

Hello everyone

Many hanks for your comment Mary you are always most welcome as I always find your posts whether on here or elsewhere. Your words have compassion and wisdom and I learn something so tell your inner critic that!

Elizaeth I agree with you that I can relate to what Mary wrote when she said "In my heart I struggle and when anything goes wrong I invariably blame myself because why should anyone else care"

I feel everyone has far more serious problems.

How to be kinder, that is the question, I suppose we have to start not thinking the worst of ourselves and really listen to others being kind. I often reject the kind words of others as they don't really know the real me.

It does take an effort to reject familiar patterns.

Quirky

Hello Quirky, Mrs D, Elizabeth and welcome back Mary!

I have missed you around the forums Mary. Quirky is right you are valued and I enjoy reading your posts.

Running away hits home to me. It is what I do too. The critic says everyone will give up/leave/get fed up of me eventually anyway so run. The sad part is the more we put up walls and isolate ourselves the bigger influence the critic has.

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to balance the negative voice of your critic with our feedback... That you are cared for and appreciated and valued.

Sometimes I wonder if that is why there are so many silent readers who don't post. Quirky you mentioned thinking others are worse off. I fell into that trap last night. Really needed to talk about a physical issue but then I saw other posts and I felt my problem was insignificant and a waste of everyone's time. But that isn't true either.

A teacher at the school I work at has a poster in his class that says something like No problem is too big that talking about it can't help. He has added "or too small!" to the poster which I love to see.

I hope you are being kind to yourself Mary ❤

Thanks Quercus, Quirky and Elizabeth and Everyone

It is good to know that others think and feel in the same way as me. I think one of the most demoralising thoughts is that I am the only person who thinks that way. So thank you for telling me you get attacked by these thoughts also.

My IC is having a field today. I will not accept its comments but they still worm their way into my mind.Tried my go-to diversions without success. Here I am at midnight typing away instead of being asleep and still listening to my IC remind me of how everything is going wrong and it's my fault. Trying to be kind Quercus but too tired tonight. Had a hectic few days with more to come. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Well the small walk around the house has done me a lot of good. and kept my eyes. Sad isn't it. Now falling asleep so had best return to bed.

Mary

Hi Quirky

Just having a cuppa :-)

I find my inner critic nagging me a lot when I dont have the regular counseling I need so I have no choice except to have a good talk (or a cry) to my GP/Psychologist. They are impartial and do provide us with more peace than we realise....yet its the first couple of visits that are hard to do.....to open up and provide honesty...not secrecy

I hope everyone is doing reasonably okay

Paul

Hello everyone,

Mary I can so relate to your post. I wonder why we can see clearly how someone else's inner critic is talking rubbish yet we keep listening to our own.

know what to do, I can show others what to do, but when I am vulnerable I just have inner critic on stereo.

Paul, welcome, thanks for your post.

That makes sense with counselling helping and I know it works for you.

Thanks again for your contribution.

Quirky

Hi, Quirky, Mary, Paul and everyone....

I don’t know what I done but I must have touched something while I was typing..and got a divided keyboard..my critic is now yelling at me saying how dumb, stupid and useless I am...Maybe it can be tamed sometimes but it doesn’t take much for it to go back to being the wild uncaring critic again...Can it be tamed permanently...I really don’t think so.....

I’m trying not to accept what it’s saying to me....That’s so hard to do right now...maybe later it will calm down..shut up and let me prove my inner critic wrong...

Grandy..

Hello folks, big encouraging waves to all those struggle with a loud mouthed critic.

Oh Grandy, my inner critic does the same and I sometimes write a lot and then lose it before I post, lose a whole page, make so many typos that weren't there before I pressed send and many other things.

I would tell your inner critic that you managed to finish your post and that you contribute many posts that help others in the forum and you are only human.

Quirky

HI all

Great thread!

To begin with our inner critic can be so overwhelming and that is all that we think of. But as we take the focus off that and do more things to take care of ourselves, as someone said, it goes quiet.

But it is always there nagging away and can be the things that we think and say to ourselves or even to others as well as in our sleep that can be the underlying critic.

The key is being able to look at that critic and learn to question it with things like:

What evidence is there that this is true? Does this happen in all situations or just occasionally? Is everyone this way? Does everyone that I know think ill of me? Would I say this to someone else in this same situation? Does this make me feel better and/or help me to achieve my goals?

Once you can establish if it is valid or not - you can then be more reasonable and positive about it.

The key is to replace it with something positive.

For example:

Critic: 'No one likes me anymore'

Validation: 'Many people don't like me, but there are many people who do like me and value me.'

Replacement: 'Not everyone is cruel, there are many kind ones out there too.'

I could go through other examples but I think you can gather the benefits of this skill.

I.

Hello everyone, I

IreneM,

Thanks so much for your detailed and helpful response.

I feel that there are times we can think rationally and change the negative thoughts. However there are times when our negative critic can be so negative so We can’t think in a reasonable and Taino always way as you suggested. I feel people who can change negative sintompositives easily do not have a harsh critic .

As I said sometimes it works and wither times it seems impossible to find anything positive about ourselves. I agree as you say it is a skill that we need to practice.

Quirky

One thing my psych has pointed out many times is that when we are really stressed or down we don;t have the emotional energy to deal with it. At this time knowing what to do to change our thinking isn't enough. In these times we can only do small things which are helpful to keep us from getting worse. When we are doing better then we need to practice the techniques which will help. This includes breathing techiques to calm down, challenging our thinking in the way Irene mentioned etc. By doing what we can when we are doing OK we help to keep ourselves well & reduce the impact of any triggers. Also by practising when well it make sit easier to use those techniques when we are unwell. Unfortunately ATM my life seems to be so stressful that I don't get enoug chance to practice things which would help so I can't use them effectively when needed

Hello all

Elizabeth CP, thanks so much for your very helpful,post. it contains much good advice.

I really like your sentence below and I will try to remember it.

By doing what we can when we are doing OK we help to keep ourselves well & reduce the impact of any triggers.

Quirky

Hi Quirky

Agree with you that it can be so tough when everything is so overwhelming. That is where skills like relaxation come in to calm us down to enable us to think rationally.

When I am in this state what I like to do as many on this forum have suggested is to have a thought diary. Just write it down and forget about it until you are calm again. Later when you feel more sober try and find something positive to replace it. Once you have a replacement, try and say that to yourself instead of the old one. That is my current battleground at the moment.

I wake up saying this horrible thing out loud and I hear it and quickly think of a replacement and repeat that under my breath over and over.

But if you can have a page in your diary or journal to replace the negative thoughts and read the positive page regularly, I think that it eventually pays off if you put the positive replacements around in places that you look at without thinking.

We just need to be patient with ourselves and each other!

I.

hello everyone, Thanks to everyone reading and or posting.

Irene thanks for your thoughts.

I do think writing down one’s thoughts does help.

As you said it is hard when very down and overwhelmed to be able to ignore the negativity of our inner critic.

For me when I can change my negatives into positives i have little need for that because it means my inner critic is subdued. I trust that makes sense.

Thanks for all the helpful posts and for adding to the discussion.

quirky

Hello everyone,

Does anyone find that even when they are well and positive their inner critic may say, The good times wont last,

this is a fluke things are going well, or similar thoughts?

Quirky

Hi Quirky,

Guess I have not really considered this in general.

For me, I feel that way when I try to make medical appointments! So often recently the service I have received has been less than average so I am now automatically thinking why even bother!

Usually I'm not aware of the thought that life can tip up side down in a moment until it actually does.

ope that makes sense.

Cheers from Dools

Hello everyone

Hello Mrs Dools,

your reply makes lots of sense to me.

I agree with you that I never think about life can tip upside down until it does.

i suppose I am someone whose critic can seek the dark side of the positive, not loudly just soft remarks.

Most inner critics pick on us when we are down but mine sometimes picks on me when things are fine. Curiouser and curiouser.

Quirky

Quirky

I agree with you that with some practice we can change the negatives into positives.

I was once in a worked up state and just quickly changed the negative to a positive and just kept muttering the positive until it calmed me down.

Irene

Hello Everyone

Ah the joys of the IC. The really sad part is that we need an IC to help make decisions, choices that can have an impact on our lives. It's when it gets out of hand the trouble starts. I am trying to fill my life with good things and the IC can only say you are doing too much and will fall under the pressure. And this may be true. However if we could trust our IC to have our best interests at heart life would be a little easier. Sigh! I think I have a badly brought up IC.

Irene is right to say we need to practice keeping our critic in place. I expect everyone has made a foolish decision or become upset because of the critic. Just as the critic has learned its lessons well through repetition so we need to practice via repetition to be able to respond and stop the whole sad business starting again. We need to react in the way we drive a car. You see a red light and stop. Not much thought goes into it because you have done this so many times. If there is an emergency we stop, again because we have honed our driving skills so well.

Please don't give up folks. Keep plugging away because I am convinced we can do this when we support each other.

Mary

Hello all

Thanks Irene, practicing changing negative into positive is hard but worthwhile. I try to avoid words like stupid, hopeless, helpless etc as they are not hopeful.

Mary, thanks for your comment and helpful observations.

I never see my ic has having a role in my life, I try to ignore it.

I think if I can keep on keeping on and be aware when my ice has taken over my thoughts , for m eitstarts with a why bother attitude. So if I am feeling like this I decide to change the way I am thinking.

Quirky

Hello everyone

I may have mentioned this before but I try to eliminate certain words from vocabulary that are very negative and have no redeeming features. You know the words some end in -less. I hope if I don't use these words to describe myself my inner critic will not either.

How often do we say I am a failure, when we could, say I could not do this, but I can try another way, or I can try something else.

I do believe that language we use is important. We can be realistic. I never learnt to drive but I can do other things and I walk a lot and can work out public transport in different states and other countries.

I am interested if other people feel their choice of words can help or hinder them.

I think you are right Quirky. The words we eliminate are personal. What affects one person is not an issue with someone else. I remember my sister had 2 sons with problems. She banned certain words from her home because they were likely to exacerbate the problems her children had. Those words didn't impact on my own children so there was no need to ban them. Any words which trigger negative feelings or cause us to react badly should be avoided.

Your post made me think how judgmental we can be. We compare ourselves with others and notice all the things we don't do but others do or weaknesses we have which others don't. Problem is we compare ourselves too often with all the good things different people do without considering that each person has a mixture of good & less positive characteristics. We need to counter the things we don't do well by taking note of all the other things we do well instead as Quirky did with pointing out the positive things she does instead of driving.

.