Hi Scrabbling, 😺
I’m really happy to hear from you.
Are you sure you want to go home? I mean, while you are
there, you have people you can turn to when the rollercoaster gets extreme.
With the system as under stress as it has been for years,
& more so for the last couple, I’m not surprised it seems like barely
organised chaos. Are you able to retreat into your room?
I’m glad you are talking to people. The occasional
serious conversation, while difficult to have, are important. They help us to
put those feelings into words & eventually some perspective.
I desperately wanted to shove everything away again. (not
possible), because of how much a jumble it was, how big & overwhelming it
was. But I discovered, just naming things helped to make them smaller. Often
little words we have for these emotions seem too small to
fit. It is the language we have, though. I think that’s why I always wanted
other ways to express my emotions, seeing as I could not shove them away
anymore, so I could confine them, withing the letters & paragraphs, on a
page, or within the borders of a canvas board.
You might like to find some creative outlets of your own.
I have been wondering what there is to do all day, apart
from looking after your basic needs, like eating & sleeping. Are you able
to go outside at all?
I smile to think you had some brightness in the morning,
before the ‘sadnesses returned. I had mornings like that. & then my mood,
my thoughts as well would get worse & worse as the day went on. I had
imagined these feelings had taken longer to wake up than I did, & had to
run to catch me. & the awful part was that they did.
But with time, learning about the feelings, how to ‘relate’
(if that’s the right term), to them, things do get better. You’ll have bright
moments more often, & they will last longer. You might even surprise yourself, suddenly
laughing about something. That will feel strange, I can tell you. I think the
Psychiatrist is right, when he said that about how days will begin a little brighter
& get worse, for a while, at least.
I’m still wishing you all the best, & hope you will
continue to let us know how you are doing.