I’m so very conflicted. I’ve been fighting with myself for some time now. I get so very torn between fighting for myself, my wellness mentally and physically and being so very tired of myself I wish I wasn’t here.

I know I don’t want to die but I’m sick of feeling like this and sometimes think it would be better if I wasn’t here. Does that make sense?

I feel like such a burden. Like resources would be spent elsewhere. I feel like I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m failing. I’ve had 13 surgeries in the last two years.

I’m battling my past which has come back to haunt me when I have the least resources I’ve ever had in my life. I have so many hopes, wishes, desires... but I can’t pull myself out of this deep deep heaviness.

I am so confused, just under a year ago I was more unwell than I ever have been... I never acknowledged how unwell at the time, I was told I had about 12 weeks to live if I didn’t take certain action. Through it all I prioritized work and hardly missed a beat there but ever other element of my life suffered greatly. It’s only just hitting me now how bad things were... and how I chose to face it. How naive and ignorant I was.

Hi Anne(withan-e), 
It really sounds like you're having an intense internal battle with yourself, which must be exhausting. We're so sorry to hear how conflicted you're feeling, particularly around physical and mental health concerns. 

This is a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need but we would also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

If you're not already linked in with health care professionals and feel it may be helpful, we’d recommend reaching out to he Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it. 

hey Anne(withan-e),

First I want to say that what you say makes complete sense. I know what you mean when you say you don't want to die but you're sick of feeling like you are and as though you would be better off not here. It can be hard to want to keep going sometimes when things get especially tough, and it sounds like you definitely have gone through a lot. I would suggest something; that battling it out and fighting to keep moving forwards is defined as success in many ways, not failure. You say you feel like you're trying hard to get better but feel like you're failing. Putting in the effort to get out of bed in the morning - or not, but that's ok too - is success in itself. You mentioned that there were elements of your life that suffered greatly during this time that you've only just come to realise yet, at the same time, you've still managed your work exceptionally. I know it may not feel like it but I can agree wholeheartedly that yes, I can tell you've been working super hard to get better but no, you aren't failing, you're doing the opposite. You don't have expect to be able to resolve everything at once Anne, and I would challenge you to make being regretful of being 'naive' or 'ignorant' a thought that comes, you acknowledge, and learn from. It can be hard to move forwards after tough situations in life but wanting to get better is the very first step which, is just another example of success.

Take care, we're all here for you

Thanks, that’s so nice of you to say... but I’m not doing so well.

I’m kind of drowning in it all. Some days it’s harder to summon yourself to come back up for air...

Anne with an e

You have read that Sophie and jumpy jellyfish have given you support and helpful suggestions.
13 surgeries in last two years who affect you so greatly.

I can imagine you would feel overwhelmed but having an insight into your feelings .

I hope you can be kind to yourself,

takcare.

Sorry.

Hey Anne,

Are you going ok?

You said it felt like you were drowning. I'm sorry it feels like that for you, this kinda stuff is hard, really hard, but you can push through.

Just wanted to check with you... what do you have to be sorry about...? We're here for you Anne... you can talk to us.

Jumpy

I felt like my reply was ungrateful or inappropriate or something. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to fix myself, I feel so pathetic. I’m trying so hard, but I feel like I’m making it all worse, I can’t even do the forums right.

It's ok, your response wasn't ungrateful at all - you don't have to pretend to feel ok when you're not feeling it, and your not 'doing the forums wrong' at all. This is a space for people to share their struggles and get support from others who might've been through similar situations and want to help you and care about you. 💖

I understand where you're coming from when you say you feel pathetic... I can relate, and it can be difficult to shake the obstructive thoughts of worthlessness that cloud your judgement because those negative thoughts are individual what's actually real. You might not believe it at the moment, but you are not pathetic, you are worth it and you are strong and you deserve to get better. Reaching out is proof of that; having the courage to share with strangers what you're going through indicates that you want help. Taking it step by step or little by little is not a bad thing to do, it means you are moving forwards. It's the small steps, like reaching out here, or doing things for yourself to take care of yourself, like going for a walk, cooking a yummy meal for yourself or listening to music that can provide relief from the tough times. Pushing yourself to do things that might seem hard or not worth it which will make you feel better, if in the least temporarily. That being said, you don't need to feel any pressure to 'fix yourself' as you said because you are going through a lot and are likely the harshest critic of yourself.

Stay strong Anne, rooting for you 💜 take care and keep reaching out, you deserve to be and feel supported

Hello Anne(withan-e), welcome.

I'm really sorry to hear how much you're struggling, and that you've had so many surgeries.

You're not a burden at all.

I'm here if you want someone to talk to, I'm sorry my reply isn't long and may not be helpful, I'm not sure what to say. But I do care, and I'm here to support you as much as I can, we all are.

Take care, stay safe xx

Thanks Jumpy.
I have tried so hard to practice self care. I then struggle with feeling like an imposter or completely revert to ‘everything is okay’ mode where I stuff everything down.

my Ill health (physical) has coincided with a time of high distress as it seems my childhood has decided to jump up and scream for attention.

I wonder whether my body falling apart is in some part connected to my mental struggle, or if the body struggle has broken me down and I haven’t had the strength to continue to mask my brokenness related to my past.

Like I said I’m just torn between the fight for my life and being out of fight for anything. It’s so juxtaposed and even that makes me feel confused and helpless.

mb20lover thanks for being there. It really is incredibly hard not to feel like I am imposing on people. I’m trying to use strategies like this (writing here) to ease some of the more intense feelings, but it’s hard to trust that I’m not a drain, or being self absorbed or dramatic

I understand, I struggle to with self care or even doing basic things to look after myself sometimes, it can be hard to find the motivation. The 'everything is okay' mindset you described can also be a tricky one, because often you know at heart and you can try logically tell yourself sometimes that maybe no, not everything is ok, but the need to be perfectly fine and just 'get over' our feelings can be overwhelming.

Like you said, physical and mental health can go hand in hand - when one becomes hurt in some way, the other can suffer, something which works both ways. It sorta stresses the importance of not pushing yourself to get better quickly though because if you try to change everything for the better at once, failure to do so can feel pretty demotivating in comparison to gradual improvement. You can't change what you've endured both mentally and physically, but you can slowly move forwards. It takes time though, and sometimes additional support. As you may have heard before, just like physical health, mental health is something that can need and deserves the attention of professional support. Do you have someone who you can talk to about what you're going through throughout the mental aspect of this journey?

As for what you said about feeling 'dramatic' or 'self absorbed', I think most of us can relate to this feeling on different levels. When I first reached out and still, I've found myself constantly invalidating my struggles or feeling like I wasn't worth it. It was like there was a part of me that was agreeing something was wrong and I deserved exactly the help I wanted, but at the same time a much bigger part of me was telling me that I didn't deserve help or that my problems weren't as big as everyone else's. Slowly though, I've been able to find more of an equilibrium as to validating myself. This thinking has come from a lot of self doubt but slowly but surely it has improved. Maybe something to keep in mind :)

Take care Anne xx

You're not imposing on people, it's all good. I get what you mean though Anne(withan-e).

Thanks guys, in struggling my way this week, that’s hand in hand mental/physical battle of being a burden and not trusting myself, I again doubted whether I was actually unwell or it was in my head.

Well I caved to pressure and went to hospital, been admitted now. I feel a bit silly like I don’t need the fuss but just trying to settle myself in for the night. I’m torn between relief it’s not in my head and disappointment that I’m here again.

Thanks for being here and ‘getting it’. Xx

hello Anne - I know some Ann's without an e :) and some with...

I hear what you say about not wanting to feel like burden, disappointment and perhaps everything else in between. When I am speaking with someone else about a thought or feeling, I will typically start with "I know this sounds odd/weird/stupid ... "

For me, logically I know my next statement should not effect me (I wish it did not) but there is some emotional tug within me that causes this feeling. So I have say a disconnect between the logical and emotional thought.

I also noticed in your first post about putting work ahead (?) of evrything else. That is something I do. It is that feeling that "I have to do it", and I cannot afford to have things left undone, people depend on me etc. It is also the way I was raised. It can be hard to put ourselves first. Yet sometimes this is what we have to do.

self care thing whether this is writing a journal or going out and doing something can be initially hard. It was for me at least.

Perhaps the one through all this is (for me)... (i) things take time, (ii) as long as I am moving forward it does not matter how slow I go, (iii) on the way up the mountain I will sometimes have to go through a valley for a better path.

Courage took to you hospital and will help you though this.

Peace to you, Tim

I am feeling, something so huge. I don’t know what it is. Rage, helplessness, defeat, pain. I can’t even define it.
but

i just

want

it

to

stop.

I am so done. I don’t know what to do I just can’t tolerate it.

Hey Anne,

Thanks for checking in on the forums. It sounds as though you're experiencing some very heavy and overwhelming emotions at the moment. We hope that opening up about these feelings can help you to better understand and manage them.

Can we ask if you are receiving mental health support? Please do feel free to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if this is something you feel would be beneficial.

Many in our community have experienced similar feelings and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.
   

Hey Anne,

I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed and I get that it's hard that you don't know what to do to fix it. When you're really overwhelmed, especially when it feels like its for 'no reason' or you don't know why you're feeling upset and distressed it can feel hopeless, or like there's nothing you can do. Believe me, I understand that and I am rooting for you you are so so strong and I know this sounds cringey, but I know you're feeling overwhelmed at the moment, but before now you've felt all sorts of emotions, and you are going to continue to feel all sorts of emotions - including positive ones.

Is there something you could do to help ease your mind away from your feelings, or at least try to make them lesser of an issue for you? For me that's listening to music - usually things that reflect my mood or that are inspiration but not cheesy if you know what I mean. Another thing is just going for a walk, or run or whatever - just getting out of the house for a while. Anything to just help ease up the thoughts and emotions you're dealing with.

We're here for you when you need keep reaching out I promise things will feel better and if you want to talk through more about the emotions you're experiencing here feel free to do so we're all here to listen to you. You deserve support and to feel better 💖💖💖

Take care, hugs xx

Hi Anne,

there is not much more I can add to the previous responses. I just want to you know that people here care about you and will listen. If you want to talk about this or something else....

Peace and comforting thoughts to you

Thankyou Tim. I appreciated your post. I’m struggling with the time. How long it’s taking, but most of all the feeling a falling backward even though I’ve worked so hard for every millimeter gain. Nights like tonight are the ones where it’s hard not to give in.

Jumpy jelly fish. I’m trying, but I’m getting a bit defeated. I walked so much last year, it was good for me, but I’m struggling a lot with surgery recovery/pain and crazy low blood pressure. I keep trying to push myself but have ended up doing damage a few times. It’s really frustrating and I feel pathetic and fragile... and weak. I’m just wondering if my peak has passed and this is it from here... it won’t get any better? I’m so scared

you said you were struggling with the time and how long its taking.

can i ask what you are referring to?

(if we are talking mental health I always had the feeling of the goal posts moving backwards and never reaching the end. With the help of my psychologist I have found some ways of handling these thoughts. If you like I could share.

I also notice from your reply to jumpy- you referred to surgery and recovery and pushing yourself. You sound quite determined as opposed to weak.

do you have any distraction tools?

No, how long I’m taking to make any progress, to be able to talk or share etc... open up.

and as for distraction tools, I think work is one for me, friends... but as long as I’m not a burden... normally sport and outdoors but that’s a bit difficult right now. Food - but that’s a bad choice for me and fraught now as well.

I really am struggling. I have so much around me I should be happy for right now but I can’t find the joy in anything.
I know I am self harming, in indirect ways, but they’re pretty damaging. I’m just so angry, so so disgusted with myself.

My psych is wonderful, but I feel maybe I’m too much for her. I feel like such a drain on everyone. I’m sick of myself.

I think this anger at myself is eating me up. She says it’s misdirected anger, but I just think I’ve let myself down so badly.

Hi. Not sure if you will get something from my story... I was at my psych today talking about stuff. On a positive note I told her that I can almost say thank you without a but or full stop. When people complimented me I can easily deflect it. That small change took over a year for me to make.

I have written elsewhere on the forums little things to help me move forward even if slowly.

You are also not a drain on your psych either - this is also a conversation i have had with mine. Sometimes I have felt like a fraud and there are other who need more help than me. And she tell me I am deserving of help just as anyone else. And so are you.

My anger comes from hurt that happened in my teen years and earlier about 30 years. I cannot change what happened, except recognise my talents and resources and strengths. But that will take time. The power that words can have over another person.

My psych likes me to reframe things... writing an alternate possibility is somewhat easy but believing that is harder. It takes time. Like me, you are on a journey .

Peace and comforting thoughts, Tim.

Hey Anne (withan-e), thanks for dropping by on the forums tonight,
We can hear that tonight is a really difficult one for you and are so sorry to hear this. We can also hear that you feel very angry with yourself and can empathise with these feelings of anger. Sometimes it can feel like if we stay angry at ourselves it might stop us repeating mistakes in the future. Do you think this could be a contributor to your feelings of anger? Please share with us more about your feelings of anger and how we might help you to manage these feelings. 

Please remember we're are here if you'd like to talk through these thoughts and feelings with someone. Our Support Service available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.

 

Tim, you seem to have so much more patience than me. I feel like I’ve completely ran out of patience. Like I’m sick trying so hard to make some progress, then I do something stupid that sends me flying backward. I know I’m focusing on negative, I know I need to see the good around me etc, and there is so much I SHOULD be able to find some warmth in... but I’m just getting nothing, and that’s scaring me.

I have never thought so, but my psych has asked me to consider why it’s there, that it must be self protective in some way...

When I really think about this, it’s probably there to stop me from underachieving, being lazy, or allowing someone to see my faults and weaknesses. To keep me working hard to keep up the facade that I am capable or confident or unaffected by poor treatment or abuse. So no one sees fraud I am.

So then I’m ashamed of my neediness and vanity and deserve punishment. I need an outlet for my self hatred because it’s too much.

firstly, I will admit to not going back over your story and where things might have started for you. But in relation to patience, thank you and it took me a while to get used to the never ending possibility wrt my mental health. To get past the moving goal line, I compared my journey to that of the monkey story (journey to the west) and a maze, and jigsaw puzzle. On the jigsaw puzzle the problem I faced was how many pieces are there. And then I remembered something which Brene Brown mentioned when seeing her own therapist - after explaining her situation and then asking a how long type question, the answer was along the line of neither long nor short, it is was it is. So the answer was I don't know, and I got used to that over time. Impatience while not idea can be changed over time. And perhaps gives hope for "other" things.

I don’t know that I really have provided much of a story. Just come on here and griped about everything, in times when I’ve felt a bit desperate and scared to be alone.