Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Topic: Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

  1. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    17 August 2021

    Nope, nope nope. No glimpse.

    im completely trapped I don’t see the point. I tried. But Melbourne is just so stupid and short sighted.

    we have a nasty ego centric control freak of a ‘leader’ who just wants to control us. Take away our ability to make decisions about our own lives. Take away any hopes goals ability to better your situation, take care of yourself physically or mentally.

    Why keep trying? The cure is worse then the disease. I can’t get myself together without this also trying to crush me and those around me. And cause everyone to turn on each other and judge and compete. This is not a place I wish to fight to be in.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6829 posts
    17 August 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hey Anne,

    Thanks for joining in on the forums tonight, 

    We're so sorry to hear how trapped and tired you feel. We can empathise with your frustration and how overwhelming it is to be continually in lockdown. Although it is uncertain when, please no this will not be forever. There are lots of great memories and moments to be had. 

    We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    Our Support Service is also trying to reach out to you via email. 
     
  3. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    10022 posts
    18 August 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    Hello Dear Anne,

    Im so deeply sorry that this horrid lockdown is causing yourself to feel trapped...

    I live in country nsw and the people who do adhere to the rules has brought the visual into our communities out here...which is so very sad....There will always be people who think they are above the law and do what they want to...

    One thing we must realise is that lockdown is not a punishment....lockdown is caring for ourselves and our family, friends, neighbours etc....I know it’s harder for some then others...

    During lockdown, we need to keep ourselves busy, doing things that when we were always to busy to do...Maybe a nice project..something different from everyday projects, so when all this is over we have something special we created..

    Have you looked at YouTube 5 minute craft...wow their are lots of easy projects on their to try without spending money...When we had the mouse plague out her..I made a mouse trap using the instructions from YouTube...it worked and I have it forever.....Maybe you could have a look at all the different things that could keep your mind busy....

    This will pass Anne, just like every other virus that has come to invade Mother Earth and her children....Please Anne...Keep faith and believe that it will pass and know that you are doing the very best you can in horrible circumstances....

    Keep talking here beautiful Anne..we are here for you whenever you feel to talk or vent..

    My kindest thoughts with my care..

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Thanks for trying to help. But I’m busy. So busy. I don’t sleep. I teach VCE students. I can’t get on top of my work. I am so worried about my students. So worried about my own kids. So worried about my husband not having work and staff to pay.

    Craft or activities won’t help. I used all those strategies last year. I’m over them. They do nothing any more. The only thing that helps is to hurt myself - I run or walk until I hurt or collapse. I’m only 3.5 weeks post surgery again and I’m so sick of everything. I don’t see the point. Where is the hope? Where is the ability to control our own lives? What can we plan for or look forward to.

    the only thing stopping me from giving up completely are my kids.
    One of my daughters friends took her life this week. I’m both jealous of her and disgusted with her. How is that?

    im so triggered by being controlled and told what to do and prevented from doing things to help myself. Thinking of how many peoples lives are being destroyed in so many ways, including being trapped at home with people who hurt them. this is completely pointless

  5. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6829 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    Hey Anne(withan-e),

    Thanks for posting tonight. 

    We're so sorry to hear how defeated you feel at the moment. We can hear how many stressors are going on for you and this must be so overwhelming. Is there any way you can get some extra support from work and with your teaching? 

    We acknowledge your distress about the current lockdowns. We also experience disappointment and difficulty with Australia's current situation. We hope one day soon this will all be a distant memory! There is a lot to look forward too. 

    If you feel up to it, we'd encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.  You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going.

  6. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6829 posts
    25 August 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
     
    Dear Anne,

    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
    Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
  7. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6283 posts
    25 August 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    Hi Anne,

    My wife was a teacher. Her sister is a teacher. Both high school. My mother (retired) was a teacher. (Lots!)

    Not having been throught it myself I know that teachers do a LOT. And it must seem like you are constantly playing catch up. I think you have the tools and strategies also. I find it is easy to get consumed by negative thoughts that prevent us from doing what needs to be done or smothers positive thoughts.

    One thing my psychologist suggested was to have a worry time. There are apps, but I find that putting it onto a list was more effective as I could throw it away afterwards. So I write it on a separate sheet of paper. If I get distracted again put it onto the paper. And one time in the day I can give myself to that list. The other thing to note what we can or cannot do or control as in that prayer (name I cannot remember but also used in AA)

    That may or may not work for you.You are a good person, teacher, mother, wife, etc.

  8. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    20 September 2021
    The last week has been very difficult.
    I have felt overwhelming urges to die. Desperate anger at my own patheticness - that’s not even a word, but I’m using it. So angry I just want to destroy myself.
    I have emailed my psychologist every day as I’ve felt desperate - but then hated myself even more for my neediness and selfishness.
    I am fighting every day not to do something I can’t take back. It’s hard to feel that there is hope, especially here in Melbourne.
  9. BB After-Hours Moderator
    BB After-Hours Moderator avatar
    5 posts
    20 September 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    Hi Anne,

    We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling overwhelmed. We understand that this feeling must be difficult, especially if you struggle to open up to others and reach out.

    We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    f you would like some help finding additional mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

  10. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    20 September 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    Hi Anne,

    I’m so sorry to hear that. Is your psychologist of help to you?

    i don’t know you but I know pain and want you to know that in my eyes (even though i can’t see you), you are a person who matters. I feel privileged to talk to you.

    Why do you think that you are pathetic (your patheticness you speak of) my dear?

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    21 September 2021 in reply to Here2Talk
    Thanks Here2Talk. I wrote a a reply but I can’t see it.
  12. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    24 September 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    Oh okay. Sometimes things removed by moderation, sometimes the interface of these forums is glitchy and your writing will sometimes get erased before it posts..: it’s trying.m because I can write super long things at times ...

    Keep chatting if u wanna talk 

    1 person found this helpful
  13. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6283 posts
    24 September 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    There are a number of reasons why a post might not appear. I would suggest you write another post on how you are feeling and go from there. Your persistence and fight shows courage and I assume you are also doing things I would at one time take for granted - eating, sleeping, doing. All of these small things are positives. With that said I imagine this to be an extremely upsetting and frustrating time for you. I know that online meetings can be done and not ideal and may be one way of talking with family and friends when possible?

    Tell me how you are going?

  14. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    7 October 2021

    Thanks guys.

    smallwolf I don’t really talk. I find it incredibly difficult. I mean, I talk a lot, just not about anything vulnerable. I freeze constantly when trying so hard to talk to my psychologist, who I trust, but still constantly fail.

    im still very shaky. Perhaps as bad as I was last time I posted. I was scared of myself, still am now. I went and got some medication for depression anxiety - it has been a very bumpy ride trying to convince myself to take them, and still trying to deal with side effects. I feel worse, as well as very sick and sleepless.

    I feel like I’m trying everything to help myself but seem to be getting worse somehow.

  15. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6283 posts
    7 October 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    Hello.

    I don't know what the side-effects are or how long you have been taking your medication, but it sounds like you might want to have a chat with your GP about how they make you feel? They can take some time for your body to get used to them.

    the fact you are talking with your psychologist is a good thing. It can be difficult to show vulnerability. I have been in that position myself. And I would say you are struggling and not failing. Is it possible that when you did this before (that is, showing vulnerability) you were made to feel worse? It does not have to be the same situation you are talking about. For example, some many years ago said "nobody care what you have to say" to me and that can have a strong impact in other areas.

    But one thing I did was also to write things down (on my phone) and would give my phone to my psychologist to read. The helped me in being vulnerable.

    Or

    What would make it easier to talk about?

    Still today when I answer a question posed by my psychologist I look in the corner of the room so it is like I am the only one there. Find our own ways of dealing with these sorts of things.

    You are an awesome person.

  16. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    8 October 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    I’ve been taking them 2.5 weeks. First week I was very nauseous- vomiting and dry retching, headaches. Nausea has mostly gone, but headaches still here, add in jaw clenching and waking up drenched in sweat. I’m the past I’m sure I would have stopped taking them by now, but I’m desperate to find some kind of relief. I’m just so scared I’m out of options and ready to give up.

  17. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6829 posts
    8 October 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hi Anne(withan-e),

    We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been a tough time. It takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support. The community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14. If you feel at risk please don't hesitate to call 000 (triple zero).

     
  18. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6283 posts
    9 October 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    hello.

    It take a few weeks (4-6) for medication to come into effect (for your body to get used to them) so it could be that - I am no expert. Still, i would keep noting down the feelings, sensations etc. and have a chat with your GP if you want reassurance. I had bad side effects from the first medication I was on and eventually went off them. But I always kept notes so that I would not forget.

    Forever listening...

    Tim

  19. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    10 October 2021 in reply to smallwolf
    Feelings are bad. I don’t (rarely) even drink but tonight I am. I just have this intense hatred for myself.
    This is such a big week for year 12 in Victoria (if you remember I’m a teacher) and I also just feel overwhelmed and useless. I just can’t pick myself up and rally like I normally would. I just want to be in some kind of oblivion.
    I’m so disgusted with myself. I can see how much good is around me. How lucky I am in so many ways, but there is this big gaping void that just sucks me down into it. And I just go there like some pathetic attention seeking drama queen. Why can’t I just be here, present, grateful - what is wrong with me????
  20. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    It’s not your fault Anne, it’s not like there is a “self” inside of us that is choosing not to be grateful, present etc. Rather, we are organisms that are made up of lots of biological processes that sometimes cause us to have a tendency to be more depressed and self critical, which is amplified by what goes on in our lives.

    sorry to hear of everything. How are you going with your work, managing to hold your job together??

    here for you.

  21. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    7 November 2021

    FML I’m honestly so pathetic.
    so over my self.

    so done with these meds.

    decided this morning I’m not taking them any more

    theyre making me sick, headachey, night sweats, jaw clenching, unable to orgasm, and I feel worse in myself.
    I don’t even drink and now I want to every day.

    8 weeks wasted.

  22. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6829 posts
    7 November 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hi Anne,
    Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience of pain and discomfort at the moment.
     
    We understand that things are difficult today, but we would strongly recommend speaking to your GP before making this choice as discontinuing medication suddenly can be dangerous.
     
    If you cannot speak to your GP soon, we would recommend talking to health direct/nurse on call - 1800 022 222 (known as NURSE-ON-CALL in Victoria). Their registered nurses are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to provide advice when you're not sure what to do - https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/how-healthdirect-can-help-you
     
    If you would like to talk to someone about how you are feeling, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.
     
    We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
  23. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    7 November 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thanks for the concern. But taking them has only been bad. No good.

    my logic is to stop. Sick of it. Not benefit. What else is there?

  24. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6829 posts
    7 November 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hi Anne,
     
    Most anti-depressants can be weaned off safely, it’s the process of discontinuing them suddenly that is dangerous. Each medication has it's own discontinuation protocols. We would strongly recommend speaking to a medical professional about this. If you safely discontinue the medication through their guidance, the side effects should ebb.
     
     
  25. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6283 posts
    7 November 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    sorry i missed your post in October.

    Are you o new medication? if so, you might want to chat with your GP? The first lot of medication I was on was no good for me. I was eventually weaned onto a different one. The side effects you have mentioned would be distressing and frustrating.

    I hope you are OK.

  26. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    7 November 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hi Anne, I’d definitely talk to your GP about a different one. I’ve always tolerated antidepressants well, whereas my wife had a not so good experience with the last couple, but then a third one was much better
  27. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    18 November 2021

    So this is where I’m at. Stopped taking my meds. Was so sick. So so sick. Didn’t care:

    never liked drinking before. Now drinking so much.

    hating myself more than ever

    things are kinda messed up

  28. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6829 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hi Anne(withan-e),

    We are so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It sounds like it's a tough time right now for you. The community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14. If, however, you feel unsafe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
  29. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Yeah it’s tough.

    I hate myself so so much

  30. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    18 November 2021
    Hi community listening and chatting with me right now 👋🏼

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up