Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Frustrated and stupid idiot that sabotaging life by being a joke of a person who wastes people time incoherfent rambling on a forum

Topic: Frustrated and stupid idiot that sabotaging life by being a joke of a person who wastes people time incoherfent rambling on a forum

  1. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    5 November 2021 in reply to Here2Talk
    Hope you’re okay … drop in to let us know how you’ve been the past few days
  2. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    6 November 2021 in reply to Here2Talk

    Hi,

    Sorry for the lack of responses. I had an appointment with my GP on Wednesday and have been feeling down the past couple of days. Just hating myself for being indecisive and not taking the initiative to make changes in my life.

    I find it difficult making friends as well. Never had anything I could talk about to others or share. I know how important it is to make connections with people but its just another thing I need to work on.

    Thinking about paying off loans for uni feels overwhelming at times. Didn't feel worthwhile for my design degree, but what do I know.

    I feel that I have too many expectations on myself. Drawing had always been something I was somewhat competent at, it was a part of my identity. I don't have the skills to back it up. I think I'm just looking for praise or validation from my drawings but don't believe what I do is competent.

    I find myself enjoying the ideation and sketching/drafting stage than the end result. I just need to practise more but I'm hesitant to keep on trying.

    Doing anything creative is impressive. A lot of work goes into anything, whether its art or music and its easy to dismiss all the work that goes into it. They say you don't need to be an expert to judge something, but that trivialises all the effort it takes to make something no matter the end result. I hope your album goes well and if things don't go how you would've liked, you are content with creating it. Sorry if this isn't the right thing to say.

    I think now isn't a good time for me to be thinking about study, when my mental health improves i'll be more open to chat about it. Thinking about money and making a living will only worsen things at the moment.

    Thinking about putting bread on the table feels so depressing. Just feels that there is so much that can go wrong and set you back but keep on living. I'm being edgy. You eventually starve without food but there's always something you can sacrifice to keep on living to get food water a roof over your head. I just need a taste of reality to realise how lucky I am. Hit rock bottom and

    I don't know what's going to keep me going in life. Existing just feels like a cruel joke. There are things that are enjoyable but that makes it worse.

    At this rate I'm not going to be able to study anything. Should look for a job with low skill entry. Do some actual work for the first time in my life and contreibute to society.

     

     

  3. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6164 posts
    6 November 2021 in reply to geelt
    Hi  geelt,

    We are so sorry to hear you are feeling this way, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14 for some further support. 

    In the event that you are feeling like hurting yourself, it is important that you take immediate steps to keep yourself safe. You can do this by:

    • Speaking to your doctor or psychologist (if you have one) if he or she is available right now

    • If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself safe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
     
  4. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    7 November 2021 in reply to geelt

    Don’t be sorry - I was just hoping I hadnt depressed you or anything with what I was said in my last message.

    I feel everything you’re saying. After uni I was unemployed, moved back to my hometown, eventually got two cruddy part time jobs after a while of having nothing but Centrelink. After a while Managed to land the job I’m in now and I hate, luckily because of knowing someone…. It’s a precarious world….

    you might be right, now might not be the time to think about study and all of that stuff..

    I am reading a book at the moment called personality isn’t permanent by a psychologist by the name of Ben Hardy- $4 on kindle. It’s a bit of a beacon of light for me at the moment, between my darker moments of trying to accomplish 50 things a day and getting like 1 finished… he basically argues that you can transform yourself, that your personality isn’t “determined”, set in stone…

    Just the idea of it is thrilling- my whole life I’ve felt a lot like what you’ve described since we’ve been chatting- worries about health, social life, study, employment, self doubt about creativity…… incessantly plaguing my mind… so the idea of all that not being permanent is … would be amazing. Not that it’s agreed it is, it’s just when it has lasted so long you start to feel like it is permanent hey…

    the last Psych I saw I expressed my worries that it would always be like this since primary school and she basically said that my anxiety was too severe and can’t have started at childhood so there must be something else wrong with me and this couldn’t see me…

    How long have you felt the way you’ve felt? Hope you find some sunshine amongst the clouds friend :)

    1 person found this helpful
  5. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    15 November 2021

    I don't know

    Psychiatrist says I need to make a schedule. No things to do. Don't know when I should wake up, can't make noise if im the only one awake. Can't eat breakfast if I wake up late. Too much to think about when I need to stop thinking. So much easier to set a routine when I was in the mental health ward. I dont know how to solve any issues at home because nobody is going to change any of it.

    I want to make my own food. Enough food for me to eat that does not take up too much space in the fridge because too much in the fridge no thing exists. I don't want to eat will make things worse if I don't eat.

    I'm so useless 

    Was going to walk to the library to get a replacement card so I can get free EBooks and audiobooks because I don't want to spend money. Hour walk is manageable. have to go in the afternoon because its too hot before 3.

    I can't get myself to do anything productive. Money money money. would be nice to cut all contact with family.

    I don't know what to do with my life. A useless immature "adult" who cant do anything. Dont want to just self pity ii hate myself so much. Nothing to live for no reason to keep existing.

    So hard talking to people. Anybody strangers or family.

    Wasting so much time. Need to tell mum im a waste of a child a disappointment that she ashamed hate me hates.

    I'm too caught up with overthinking that I'm paralyzed and can't make myself do anything. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. How can I get myself to drink and do what I need to fix my life, make changes to myself to live life.

    Do I not want to do it or am I too petrified and scared to try, either one has the same result and time is running out for me. Can't stay in room

    Driver license car money transport car. I should get my liscense but never feel ready. I'm dont enjoy driving how else do you get where you need with the flexibilty. money to driving instructor to take test need my own job to feel less guilty shut up brain one problem at a time.

    Stop phone when should be sleeping mobile phones bad or just symptom of something else. I need to let thoughts pass when its bed time but they're so obnoxious and wont be quiet.

    I don't know how I'm supposed to feel

  6. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    15 November 2021 in reply to Here2Talk

    Hi Here2Talk,

    My replies are a lot less frequent now are they. Just feeling pathetic. I'm not doing anything to improve my life.

    It feels like how you feel about something is all it takes. Mindset is important but so hard to change it.

    Changing myself actually involves me doing something to change.

    I've been feeling this hopelessness since I started uni i think. The lack of structure and being told what to do and all the accountability being up to myself. When I realised that everything at home only accounted for school,

    When you couldn't just ignore all your problems or escape from reality. I can't say for certain when these feelings started. I remember the lack of motivation affecting my work in my final year of school, 4 years ago.

    Sorry for the nonsensical reply, had a breakdown stressing over how to do things but forcing myself to write a reply helped take my mind of it all.

     

  7. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6164 posts
    15 November 2021 in reply to geelt
    Hi geelt,

    We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been a struggle. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We are glad to hear that you have support from a psychiatrist. We have sent you a private email offering some further support. You can also reach out to Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. If you feel unable to keep yourself safe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
     
  8. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    25 November 2021

    Hello,

    Sorry if my reply earlier was rude,

    I'm going to tell my Mum about my problems tomorrow when we go Black Friday Shopping. I can't put it off anymore I need to just stop worrying about it and tell her. So easy to say I'll do it eventually and never do it. Procrastination is so frustrating, not wanting to do important things. Don't know if I'm capable of doing things or smart or lazy or a degenerate waste of space. I need to take accountability, which is always something I have trouble getting through my dumb thick skull.

    Was able to get a new library card, lots of books to listen to. Started listening to 'The Sleep Solution' by W. Winter Chris, made me reconsider my mindset about life in general, I never actually tried to do anything to improve my life. I feel like a broken record, repeating the same thing over and over. I'm so unforgivable for being a good for nothing. Don't know if I retain info well enough.

    I'm pathetic and acknowledging my inaction isn't enough to make up for my unproductive time. Started playing video games that try and get you to play everyday. I need more discipline, nobody but myself to blame for not wanting to get my life together. Stupid me. Self loathing is pathetic when its me doing it. Do I have problem asking and asking and not doing anything is what I'm doing.

    Hope it goes well tomorrow, might write how I feel afterwards.

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6164 posts
    25 November 2021 in reply to geelt
    Hey geelt,

    Welcome back to the forums, 

    We really hope you are able to share with your mum how you've been feeling. We know it can be a difficult topic to bring up, but we're certain it will be relieving for you. You might like to read over this article if you need any suggestions on how to go about starting this conversation: https://au.reachout.com/articles/6-tips-for-talking-to-your-parents-about-mental-health

    We can hear that you're wanting to be more proactive in your life. Please remember that change takes time and it's important to be kind to yourself. Any step forward is worthy of celebration. It's also a lot easier to keep moving forward when you're able to forgive yourself for any mistakes or slip-ups. You will get there!

    You might also find it helpful to contact the KidsHelpLine whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 by young people 25 and under via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

    We hope to hear more from you soon.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  10. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    665 posts
    25 November 2021 in reply to geelt
    For your sake, unburdening will feel like a weight lifted. How mother responds is neither within your control nor your doing/fault/responsibility.
    However, do be sensitive/sympathetic to finding the appropriate time - blurting it all out may overload the senses leading to overreaction.
    You are growing up! How's that room of yours? Still the same as it was when you were a teenager? Would be cathartic and symbolic of your renewed mindset to make the space uniquely yours - with permission of course, but think of the emotional reinforcement a facelift would have. Stimulate your imagination and stir the soul!
  11. Isabella_
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Isabella_ avatar
    154 posts
    27 November 2021 in reply to geelt

    Hi there,

    I'm glad to hear from you again. Don't apologise for coming across as rude - you don't come across as rude at all. I'm glad you're taking the step to tell your mum, that's really great and I know it's something that you've been struggling to do for a while. Regardless of what her reaction is, it's an amazing step. Getting better and being productive isn't linear at all. It's a strong desire for change.. Grappling with depression and anxiety that craves comfort and hates change.. Taking steps to get better, giving up, letting yourself down, it's a big cycle. I think you're doing amazing.

    Coming here and sharing I hope is something therapeutic. It may not be a task that seems productive, but I think it definitely is and necessary in some way, even if it's not conventional like putting your head in the books to study. We often have a lot we need to take care of before we can be expected to do things like that. I know you say that acknowledging your inactivity doesn't make up for it.. I think you're right about that. But regardless I think it's vital and productive in itself.

    I'm glad you've got a new library card and started listening to books that are helpful for you. Video games are hard and I get into phases in and out where they're all I care to do with my time.. It's almost a false sense of productivity by finishing in game tasks and quests. I tend to play games that require collecting and I think it's because I put off uni, finding jobs.. It's a sense of completion and success that's really accessible.

    I hope it goes well for you too. One step at a time, and you're doing just that. <3

  12. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    28 November 2021

    Hello,

    Thanks for the links Sophie, they helped me prepare for my conversation with her. I wasn't able to talk to her while shopping so I told her at night.

    She was happy that I was open about my problems and didn't blame me for anything. I am fortunate to have understanding parents. She understands that its like this for lots of other people and its okay to want to stop/change study. Still feel guilty about everything. It will be easier to do things now, no need to lie about where I'm going or make excuses why I can't do things.

    My room has changed quite a bit, I had changed it to be more suitable for at home learning last year but we all know how that never ended up working out... Still I should do some cleaning as some mess has started to form. Plenty of things I can do to reduce the clutter and make finding things easier. Will see what I can do, always good to do some dusting.

    It's helpful having a place to write out my thoughts, gives me time to reflect on the past couple days.

    Games are easy to overindulge in, they're designed to keep your attention. A false sense of productivity is a good way to put it, a lot easier clicking and moving around virtually than in real life when there aren't as many physical indications of achievement. It's satisfying seeing everything that you've done in-game, almost a tangible indication of all the things you've done. Then there's fear of missing out on new things makes it hard to quit. I know I shouldn't be playing these kind of time-sinking games, but having something to do every day and to wait for is really something I lack. Don't end up hating myself for failing compared to things like drawing or feel drained mentally. Instant gratification is going to make it hard to find other things worthwhile when there are things designed to get you hooked. Wouldn't call myself addicted but I'm either biased or in denial or not. Denial won't fix anything. Just another thing to escape from everything.

    Hating myself for self-caused problems won't fix anything but its hard not calling myself stupid or a loser for my lack of discipline and self-control. Need to work on things slowly. SHould stop before I think to much about things.

    Thanks for all the help and kind words everyone.

  13. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    665 posts
    29 November 2021 in reply to geelt
    Great news, geelt; so proud of you for confronting your fear and confiding in your mum (and also your detailed thought processes here on the forum to help you arrive at a determination!).
    Don't forget to have a special plant or feature to focus on in your room - a bit of fengshui can shift any negative energy!
    Games: while sedentary, your mind interprets the stimulus and applies the mental responses as if physical - this can really mess with your neurals resulting in 'fog'. No need to chuck it in, but strict times to avoid the rabbit hole ;)
    Nothing to hate or judge, you are a work in progress and have made great strides toward finding acceptance within yourself (and others).
  14. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    4 December 2021 in reply to geelt

    Hi Geelt,

    Sorry for being a scummy human and not replying in so long. My own mind has been on a bit of a roller coaster over the past month or so…

    Any plans going forward, after talking to your mum, regarding your mental health eg therapy GP? I get instant Gratification- it’s also even harder not to cave to instant gratification when you have anxiety- it provides a pleasant relief from anxiety via avoidance. Sorry I don’t feel up to picking apart all the things that you’ve said right now via text is just too cumbersome for my mind to dissect. I do sense that you think at a million miles an hour tho, and I am exactly the same - I recently wrote a message to a friend overseas and it ended up being over a 1000 words

  15. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    5 December 2021 in reply to Here2Talk

    Hi Here2Talk,

    Don't say that, you're not any less of a person for not replying. I understand that things come up, mentally or physically. You don't need to feel forced to reply straight away or at all, your wellbeing is your priority. All the best for you in the upcoming couple days/weeks, I don't know what's best to say but I hope things go well with what you're facing. I can understand if what I said feels like empty words. It's easy to feel powerless when everything is racing around.

    I don't have any immediate plans with my mental health. I'm going to talk to my Psychiatrist about it this week and go from there.

    I need to better weigh what's important with my time, instant gratification gets in the way of planning anything. Discipline, schedules everything I need to get to the starting phase then momentum. Reprogramming my brain will take time but I actually need to do the work.

  16. Isabella_
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Isabella_ avatar
    154 posts
    18 December 2021 in reply to geelt

    Hi Geelt,

    It's been a little while since we've heard from you, I hope you're doing okay. <3

    How have things been going for you?

  17. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    23 December 2021 in reply to Isabella_

    Hi Isabella,

    Things have been going alright, haven't been taking the initiative to be doing all I can. Been feeling low on energy lately and don't have much to say.

    My sleep has been getting worse, too dependent on my phone to go to bed. I need to break this bad habit but its easy to avoid thinking if I distract myself with it. Will stop using it before bed today. Been hard getting myself out of bed to do anything.

    Still been going for walks, albeit infrequently. Been using public gym equipment to try get in better shape, I'm planning on picking up the pace and frequency when my muscles hurt less. Hope I'm not doing anything wrong that'll cause some damage to by body.

    Went to the dentist the other day for an annual checkup, a small hole was starting to form on my wisdom teeth and I have to decide if I want to fill it or get it removed. Otherwise the dentist said my teeth were good. Now I need to decide if I want to get all my wisdom teeth removed or just fill the hole. Thinking about it too much just makes me think about everything health related and worry about other things that will cost money.

    Bought some yarn to do some knitting or crocheting for something to do. My mind keeps wandering when I do things. So much things I want to get back into doing, try writing something or getting back into art. I want to do or make something meaningful, which is easier said than done.

    I am still hesitant about choosing something to do study wise. Still haven't gotten my enrollments or leave in order. Don't know what I want to do. Just wasting everyday doing nothing.

  18. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    25 December 2021

    I need to do something but its all overwhelming. I cant just let each day pass by while I wallow in self pity. I need to try. I need to stop saying 'I need' or 'I should' or 'I have to' and start actually doing something. The panic of not wanting to just let everything pass by but theres nothing I can do about it at 2 in the morning and its complacebt feeling that its enough and I cant bottle or ignore any desire or want to do something good. Try something new try something do anything than waste away.

    Im repeating the same thing over and over. Fear of getting old fear of change fear that the past is never going to come back sentimental emotions are painful. I need to do something.

    Im fortunate privilge having a life i have. How do i face problems that shape myself as a person im a blob of complacency weak persob dont even try yet. Make excuses

    Do i get my wisdom teeth removed if i dont and slck of and dobt brush my teeth rotten teeth shut up I have not done anything to try and cobtrol this overthinking. Everytging complicatee complicated. Life. Im a bad person. Dont like fake.

    Change is hard. Emotions hard. Behind mental growth. What do what do i do do. Shut up unddcisive baby.

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up