I haven't self harmed in a very long time so I'm currently writing this is a mixed state of self-hate, desperation, loneliness and confusion.
I've been feeling blue for a while but the 'train', so to speak, was set in motion when I tried to talk about my worries to a well trusted family member but she got frustrated with me. I then found out that she was talking about me, my issues and what I've become to another family member. They met up together leaving me at home and I realised that I've become the person I hate. I have become greedy, ungrateful and selfish. I'm still childish despite my age and I'm bringing everyone around me into unnecessary 'dramas'.
I'm hurting my loved ones without even realising.
I never wanted to become like this but at the same time, I feel as if it's a good thing that I know what flaws others see in me. I always thought along the lines of 'Ignorance is bliss' but now I'm thinking that 'Power is knowledge'.
My problem is that I tried to change myself through self-harm. I would then say what thing I've become, like 'greedy', 'selfish', 'burden'.
The problem was... it felt good and I have the urge to do it again and again. And I know that's not right.
I'm at a loss. I have no one to talk to as everyone is busy with their own lives and my trust for my family is out the window. So I thought that maybe I'll try here - Let others know that they're not alone and maybe I'll finally begin to feel like I'm not alone either.