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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Topic: I hate this time of year & everything about my life

  1. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7657 posts
    10 February 2022
    You popped into my thoughts just then. So saying hello to you today 😊
  2. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    14 February 2022 in reply to Guest_1055

    Hi Shelll, thanks for thinking of me. I saw one musical.. and then a few days later I ended up in hospital again. I had a severe gallbladder attack and spent 8 days all up in hospital. I had a blocked duct to my gallbladder and an infection and had I.V antibiotics and pain meds. They also found fluid on my lungs and I need a repeat xray to see if it has cleared up. If not a CT scan will follow. I'm on a strict low fat diet and can't eat any fat including avocados! I have been craving sushi but most of the pre made ones have avocado. So I'm hoping to get the motivation to make my own. I have to go back to hospital in about 6 weeks to have my gallbladder and gallstones removed. My surgeon wants me to a very low fat diet - where you have 3 shakes a day.. for 2 weeks as it's supposed to help me lose weight on my liver as that sits above the gallbladder.

    I'm finding the diet difficult because I don't feel full after eating. And tonight I was bingeing on lollies and found that my joints began to ache and I hada look online - only to find that can release toxins into the body making inflammation worse and thus make my auto immune illnesses worse and gives me more pain. It's an absolute joke! Because I can't eat more fibre because then my bowel isn't very happy even though it's a healthier option!!

    To make matters even worse. I maybe getting a port in my chest. They normally put them in for people who are having chemo or long term treatment. But my veins are virtually impossible to get a canula in them or take blood out - I've had so many surgeries, blood tests, IV treatments etc over a period of 21 years, that even when they use a portable ultrasound machine - they can't access my veins at all!!! Having a port will mean that they can use that for my 3 surgeries that I have to have. But putting a port in my chest will mean another operation for that to go in as well.

    I don't think that I have lost any weight at all. My body is changing shape and instead of my pear shape - all my fat is being moved into my belly area and I'm turning into an apple shape and none of my clothes are fitting properly because of it. I can't keep buying new clothes because it's expensive and I don't have the room for it. I took a dozen (grocery sized) bags of clothes off to the salvation army a few months back.. but still have a variety of different sized clothing to go through!

    I missed out on one of my musicals becauseI was in hospital.

  3. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7657 posts
    15 February 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi dear Bbydoll,

    How was the musical you had the opportunity to see? Did you enjoy it?

    What has been suggested and what you are able to eat sounds challenging for sure. Are the shakes to help you lose weight for surgery itself?

    And yeah that does sound right... Lollies causing inflammation in the body. Refined sugar, colourings etc.

    When you say low fat... Does that mean no fat all? Just wondering about that because some of those shakes have fat. My hubby was on some for surgery... Optifast or manshake... Not sure which.

    Have you ever had chia puddings? Your body may be able to tolerate those. And they can be sweetened with real maple syrup, so may help fill you up and satisfy sweet cravings. And maybe add some kind of yogurt to it to put the good bacteria back in your gut after the antibiotics clears it all out. Just a suggestion is all.

    Hope you don't mind me suggesting stuff.... I am a foodie and quite passionate about nutrition, healing the body with natural things.

    Anyways nice talking with you.

  4. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    18 February 2022 in reply to Guest_1055

    Hi Shelll,

    The musical was Hamilton - and I loved it. I was in the third row. It was a r&b, hip hop type music with a bit of rap styled into it. Definitely not your typical music. But the whole choreography was simple but everything just worked out brilliantly. They really didn't miss a beat. One of the scenes; one of the main characters accidentally dropped a prop and because of the sheer fast pace speed of him rapping - he just continued whilst another cast member picked up the prop and handed it to him when there was a break in his rap!

    Yes the shakes are for the surgery. And I'm supposed to follow the optislim diet. 3 shakes a day and some veggies - all for the 2 weeks leading up to the surgery. But I'm currently on a no fat diet - no oils, cheese, butter, avocado, cakes, chocolate etc. And if I'm buying anything processed it must be less than 10grams of fat per 100g (total fat). It's usually listed under the protein levels. I've been buying some weight watchers and lean cuisine meals because the dietician said that I can eat those. Although last week I made my own sushi. And this weekend I'm doing a chicken and vegetable soup.

    The other problem I have is that I can't eat a lot of fibre because it physically hurts me because of the bowel surgeries I've had.

    I have only had a premade chia pudding. I haven't made any. I actually had some yogurt for dessert tonight. And I think I might make up some fruit salad next week too (I am having some groceries delivered on sunday). I am having an early night tonight as I had a big day yesterday running errands and today went to a mall and bought some clothes that were reduced sale - end of season, so very cheap. Best time to buy clothes. I am in a lot of pain because I've had 2 days back to back of doing errands and doing a lot of walking. And having chronic pain really limits what I can do. (Plus I have to rely on public transport, as I don't drive).

  5. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7657 posts
    21 February 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi,

    Sounds like you did enjoy watching Hamilton, actually the whole experience of it. The atmosphere. And I am glad you got to go Bbydoll. Suppose you would notice a lot of things in a production, when you sit pretty close. When I went to our local theatre and saw Mary Poppins, at times I looked through some binoculars. We were more at the back.

    Ah ok I understand about the shakes. Maybe it was optislim that my hubby went on. Think there was flavoured shakes, maybe some kind of soup, and some kind of bars.

    I agree about buying end of season clothes...Good on you there. Can be much cheaper.

    Yes I know you experience chronic pain... My heart definitely goes out to you.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7657 posts
    21 February 2022 in reply to Bbydoll
    Just read my reply back to you. The words sound unfriendly or something. It doesn't match my heart... I do care, really wanted you to know that.
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    3 April 2022 in reply to Guest_1055

    Looks like shelll has gone and no one else has been reading my posts.

    My mum passed away just over 2 weeks ago unexpectedly and quick. And no matter what I want in regards to her funeral and wake my brother has shot down all suggestions. Both my brother in law and sister in law got flowers from their workplaces and I of course got nothing. They are both having their best friend come to the funeral and wake next week but of course I requested that it be late afternoon because my closest friend works until 3pm and all the family live over an hour away from the area we live in so have to drive up, then home afterwards - but my brother made it for 10am. On a Tuesday 😣 I'm so tired of being ignored, and walked over. My mum put me in power of attorney but the aged care home told me that it wasn't applicable once she had past. .. no one told me that we made the application 12 years ago when my dad passed away. My mum wanted any money left over to go 50/50 between my brother and myself. But because he is paying for the cremation and services etc and because he also lost his job 2 weeks ago - is taking all of any of the money left over. Just like he took the car I was supposed to have when dad passed because I was living in a cabin (converted garage) with no actual garage or carport. He claimed that it needed a new engine but it worked fine for my father and that hewas going to put a new engine in it and sell it and give me any remaining money which of course there was none. Just like my parents sold my car that my grandfather gave me and they sold it and took all the money and used my $10,000 that I'd saved up from my 21st birthday and gift money to go overseas and I turn 45 in a couple of months and still haven't taken the trip that I wanted to when I was 21.

    I'm tired of being used. I hadn't seen my brother and his family since my birthday last may... not over Christmas as I was sick (with gallbladder issues that put me into hospital in January of this year).. I sent him text messages about it and of course he never visited me on hospital - he never did. I never have visitors when I go into hospital. They had to get specialist nurses to put a canula 2cm into the crook of my arm and I was told that I couldn't lift anything heavy with that arm but had to go and buy groceries because I had none in my house and had no one to help me out and I asked my brother but he had told me that they had gone away knowing full well that I was in hospital.

  8. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7657 posts
    5 April 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi dear Bbydoll,

    I am ever so sorry about the loss of your mum. And also your dad a few years ago. Just want to cry for you, you seem to have so many challenges and sad times in your life. I have tried to be positive in other posts for you. But I really just want to cry for you or with you or something.

    I will leave a huge bunch of virtual sweet smelling flowers for you here. Maybe that will help

    And yes I have left BB, but I saw your post and so much wanted to say hello and that I care about you.

    Shelley

  9. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    9 April 2022 in reply to Guest_1055

    Hi Shelll,

    Thanks for the flowers. I couldn't get to my mum's funeral because of my health issues and my brother has been very angry with me.. like I caused myself to be so unwell. He sent me several angry texts saying that he won't ever help me out ever again. .. which is hard to believe because he never actually helps me out. He never visits me when I am in hospital and if it wasn't for mum passing it would be almost a year since I saw him.... the last time was for my birthday at the end of may . I still had their Christmas presents and finally managed to give them to them lastweek when we were organising funeral arrangements. For whatever reason I am the one that is constantly kicked when I am down. I sent messages to my best (male) friend to see if he could come to the funeral with me but I never heard back and he has barely been responding again to any of my messages and I don't know if it is because he is avoiding me or if it's because he doesn't want to talk about the fact he kissed me when I saw him in November. ... he already knows that I have feelings for him. And his wife knows it. If he was as happy as he claims he is on Facebook - he wouldn't be kissing me!

  10. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    18 April 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Spent another week in hospital because I binged - which caused a bowel blockage and inflamed the gallbladder again. Went to hospital via ambulance and they left me in the general waiting area where I vomited and of course the doctors and nurses didn't see it. And when I got in they thought that I was over reacting and they juged me because I look younger than being in my 40s. Another week of antibiotics and pain meds and put in an icy cold room with no warm clothes with me and about 7 or 8 blankets the entire time I was there. And if course bad access veins. And no phone calls or visits from anyone. A couple of texts but only because I was complaining to a few people. The internet sucked so I couldn't post much or keep in touch with my online friends who worry about me, if I'm not around. I desperately need a port in my chest but need a doctor to sign offon it for me to have it and that's seemingly impossible. I binged again tonight with lollies and box of coco pops - - my head is sore and not surprisingly I have a stomach ache. Feel completely invisible because absolutely no one is making an effort to find out how I'm really feeling or if I need help with anything. Emptied my letterbox, only to find out that tomorrow the fire alarm is being checked out and my place isa complete mess because I was sick before I went into hospital and I had turned it upside down to try and find everything for mum's funeral... which I never went to because of my health (and mental health issues). My brother was angry about and of course sent me threatening text messages and said he'd never ever help me ever again. But the thing is he does absolutely NOTHING for me as it is now. I hadn't seen him since my birthday almost 12 months ago. Finally gave him and his family their Christmas presents and am yet to receive their old tv (because they upgraded theirs). They could afford to do that but not buy me a foot spa for Christmas!!

    It's exhausting when no one sees you as a priority. It's like I don't exist. So I don't know why I'm struggling so hard to keep myself alive when they avoid me and don't respond to my texts or posts on Facebook.

  11. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    19 April 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    I may be off track here but there is a strong recurring theme of you being very bitter about your illness.

    This is perfectly understandable.

    However in my very humble opinion you accepting the situation will help you get on top of the dark thoughts mentally and improve.

    That bitterness is holding you back (as it has done for me too)

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    19 April 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    To be clear I don't mean my comment to you as criticism.

    More an observation based on my own brutal life experience.

    I also continue to work on "acceptance" so please understand my msg is coming from a very supportive space.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    21 April 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas
    Chris, yes I'm bitter. I'm also angry, depressed; and frustrated etc with my health issues. I've been unwell my entire life. And each 10 years a new group of problems comes up. I have several auto immune conditions (and then rare symptoms for some of these, which are hard to treat); I also have chronic pain syndrome - widespread chronic pain. I have lost relationships/friendships, family, every career path and job that I have ever been hired for. I have no finished formal qualifications beyond the final years of high school (last 3 done by correspondence but all on paper none were online then). I have had over a dozen surgeries; including the entire removal of large bowel, had several colostomies, MRSA (serious staph infection), plus am currently awaiting 3 more surgeries and possibly a port in my chest (often used for chemo patients) as my veins are virtually impossible to access because of IV treatment, surgeries and IV antibiotics. I've had several trips to ICU. My health issues are never ending and I am seemingly getting sicker the older I get. My GP actually said to me that he is worried about the amount of medication I am on as it could shorten my life. I struggle in evety sense of the word because of everything that I am dealing with. I am tired of it. It is not a matter of accepting it; because I deal with it, EVERY SINGLE DAY! I have no partner, no kids and no other family supporting me. I only have 2 friends that spend very rare visits with me. Life is not supposed to be this difficult and this is why I'm here complaining about what I'm dealing with because I have no break from it. EVER!!!
    1 person found this helpful
  14. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    27 April 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    I spent all day in bed sleeping. In part because of my health but also last night there was a lot of drama here. One of the neighbour's on the lower level has been playing their music loudly and was still doing that at midnight. It made the man on my level really angry. He was yelling and slamming his front door. The police were called and dealt with him.. and shortly after 1am he calmed down. But it all started up again about 730am this morning. So I was more exhausted than usual. I eventually woke up at 540pm to use the bathroom. I hadn't eaten or drank anything. But another lost day because of it all.

    It's so much harder with the colder weather to be motivated when nothing I do matters. I don't matter to anyone.

  15. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    7 May 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    I have now spent an Easter, a birthday; and a Christmas/New year's eve in hospital - different years. But already this year I've had 3 different hospitalizations and in a couple of weeks am going back to have a modified colonoscopy on the remaining bowel plus exploratory surgery on my fistulas on my bottom.

    I'm currently having major issues with fatigue where I feel like I've been given some powerful medication to make me sleep. I can barely keep my eyes awake and have to force myself to keep my eyes open. I'm also having changes in my urine and suspect that my kidneys are having some issues so will be getting a new referral to see my kidney specialist as I haven't seen him in a while and I don't want to end up on dialysis like my father did. I know kidney issues can run in families and one of my other suspected auto immune illnesses is lupus and that can affect your kidneys. I want more than anything for my health to improve and I do everything I can to try and fix it..

    But nothing happens - I seem to keep going downhill and I don't know if I can keep going like this. My place needs a deep clean. We have a cockroach problem here and it's getting worse be because I am struggling to keep it clean. I'm living off lean cuisine and weight watchers frozen meals because I don't have the energy to cook and I can't have any fat in my diet because of the gallstones and I don't see my surgeon until June and he will be organizing a date for that surgery.

    Plus I still haveto have further surgery on a cyst on my left ovary and that surgeon also wants to remove my left fallopian tube as well....

    Like I said never ending and absolutely no support and oneof my friend's isn't responding anymore to my texts. I don't know why. But I suspect it's because of all the texts I send with my health issues.. I'm tired of it. And I'm sure they're tiredof hearing about it from me.

  16. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    11073 posts
    9 May 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Dear Bbydoll~

    I hope you don't mind me popping in for a moment. I've just finished reading this thread and think life has been very unfair to you and don't wonder at all when you come across as bitter.

    Shelll has been giving you warm support and htat is good, makes one feel less alone.

    I was struck by something Chris_Tas said about acceptance, which I don't for a moment believe was meant in a nasty way, or to belittle all the horrible things you have to keep on facing.

    It's just you are doing the best you can with all the illness and unsympathetic people - plus not enough cash of course. And these are things you only have so much control of. A lot you have simply to live though a day at a time.

    Acceptance is something to aim for, however to get there for me I use the idea of trying to put things to one side for a little time. That's not easy when you are in pain and discomfort (and probably hungry too) but if you mange to do it for a little while then there may be things you can enjoy. Then more acceptance may come.

    Your description of that musical and the way the performers carried on after dropping something probably took your whole attention - at least for a moment. For that moment the world may have changed and you were not weighed down by all the everyday things.

    So do you think it is worth seeing if you can use that sort of thing to distract you and point you towards something you might enjoy? I try to use mindfulness (just a fancy name) as a start to get me to a calm frame of mind. I'm not that good at it but find the free smartphone app Smiling Mind is excellent - though it took practice.

    I know your phone is not that great but it might do

    https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app/

    Once I'm a bit calmer and my concentration is not focused on my own ailments and pain I try to have something ready to do to keep me that way. In my case it is books or movies (get them for free from the Library) or other things.

    Of course I've no idea what you might find to take your mind out of problems - maybe music as you do seem to like musicals. Could you teach yourself to play/sing something?

    What ideas do you think you might like?

    I hpe things get easier for you

    Croix

  17. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    10 May 2022 in reply to Croix

    Croix- I appreciate the sentiments but acceptance changes nothing.

    I've done mindfulness stuff (or distraction therapy) for years. But lately I have no quality of life. I spend the majority of time sleeping. Or visiting doctors/having tests done/or in hospital. With the occasional live show/musical etc. But this will be harder to do with it getting colder. And they don't make good quality thick jackets or thermal tops for someone my size (I've checked).

    None of my doctors have any answers other than needing more surgery or more medication - and yet my quality of life is abysmal. I'm tired of the constant struggles and the only time I'm not struggling is when I'm sleeping and it's not normal to sleep for more than 12 or more hours at a time without any sort of medication needed for that to happen!!!!

    I can't download the app. My battery life is about an hour or so if I'm online and has permanently moved to everything in black and white... I need a new phone and of course no help from anyone I know including my brother - who works in cybersecurity and has seen how badly my phone works and knows full well that I don't have a landline or anythingelse for communication.

  18. Croix
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11073 posts
    10 May 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Dear Bbydoll~

    I can understand some of those practical problems like the hopeless phone, the lack of warm clothing. They are indeed an obsticle.

    My apologies if you have been down this track before. In my state there are benevolent societies such as Anglicare, St Vincents and others. I've found that often they give give the most surprising help. I realise that is not the same as having a family that care, but it might bridge some of the practical problems.

    I've probably not explained my idea of acceptance very well. True it does not change the physical realities however by trying to concentrate on things you like the harsher parts of life may shrink away for a while.

    Do you think that might be a possibility?

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    11 May 2022 in reply to Croix

    Croix- I know that you mean well and I appreciate your kindness. But honestly, I doubt it very much. As I've outlined above; briefly; every part of my life has been affected by my health issues. I haven't completed any courses after high school or held onto a job or a career or a Romantic relationship. No matter what I do or don't do - nothing changes. To add to that my weight has ballooned - there's a chance it could be because I am getting closer to menopause - because nothing else has changed. And it doesn't help that I have been battling fatigue for most of my adult life (and other than anemia); all my other levels like thyroid etc are normal. But it's not normal to black out in front of tv (when I don't drink alcohol or take drugs)... my general doctor thinks it might be heart related - but I haven't had the test to check it out because I am tired of finding out something else that could need more medical treatment. I'm supposed to be making phone calls to chase up medical related appointments but it's now Wednesday afternoon and I still haven't done any of them. I'm also waiting to hear back from my closest male friend - I spoke to him over a week ago to see if he will come with me to see a show for my birthday (I already have the tickets, as I bought them months ago). He is in rehearsals for a local musical and a play as well. But he has notoriously hard to get his focus onto other things when he is that busy. My closest female friend hasn't responded to my last few texts and she would be the next person I'd ask - but she works long hours on the trains and is hardly ever home. And when she is - she tends to spend that time with her extended family. That's really the only close local friends that I see. I have a handful of friends from school who are on my Facebook page but I never see them... not even for a chat over a cup of coffee. I don't bother asking for help or anything from anyone as it usually falls on deaf ears.

    My life feels like a waste of time - I'm waiting for an improvement in the quality of my life and it never happens - so what's the point of trying anymore

  20. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    james1 avatar
    3061 posts
    12 May 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hello Bbydoll,

    I had a friend who had very similar experiences to you with really crippling health issues that kind of compounded on each other, and really lengthy hospital stays that just eroded her quality of life. As I read your post, I just felt really sad about the experiences you've been through because, like what happened with my friend, it sounds like it's left you feeling really hopeless about anything getting better.

    I didn't really have any helpful advice for my friend, and I'm sorry there's not much I can offer you here right now, except someone friendly to speak to.

    Is the show you are hoping to see Moulin Rouge? I'm going to see that in July I think. My sister bought me a ticket.

    James

  21. romantic_thi3f
    Community Champion
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    romantic_thi3f avatar
    3188 posts
    12 May 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi Bbydoll,

    I'm glad that you're here and sharing what's been going on for you; it sounds like it's been hard and I can understand why it doesn't feel fair and that you feel bitter and angry.

    One of the things I'm thinking about while reading your post is that you talk about how alone you are and how nobody cares- and look at all the people who have jumped into your post! Yes, they may come and go- but that's not personal, but I think maybe there's a part of you that's forgotten or doesn't realise that people are coming to offer support because they want to and they do care about you.

    rt

  22. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    12 May 2022 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Romantic_thi3f, I appreciate anyone reading and commenting on my post. And the feedback etc. But nothing changes for me and this all started because the end of the year/Christmas is a difficult time for me... but then this year has been a shockingly bad one for me. I always think oh maybe next year will be better - but it never is. I'm cold and tired and still unmotivated - I'm having a couple of individual cakes delivered (which I shouldn't be eating because of the gallstones) and a loaf of bread. Because I'm running out of food here.

    James1; I'm sorry to hear about your friend. But I guess her - like me; not many people will understand what it's like to deal with ongoing complex problems. Another reason I feel so isolated. Because no one else can relate to what I'm dealing with.

    The most ironic part of all of this is most people in my life don't know the extent of my mental health issues because they can't even deal with the physical side of things. I mean I don't even have any visitors when I am stuck in hospital for a week. I post on Facebook what I'm dealing with because of friend's overseas get worried if I don't post regularly. .. they have more concern about me than the rest of the people in my life!

  23. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    13 May 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Ate ribs and 2 chocolate slices for lunch and had them delivered. Of course my gut isn't too happy about any of it. Washing it down with fizzy drink. Have texted my male friend about the musical - seeing as though it's been 10 days since we spoke about him coming to the show with me. I just need to know if he is coming or not as I'll need to make other arrangements otherwise. It's also been 10 days since I texted my female friend and so far nothing from her either.

    I have done nothing all week and that includes not picking up parcels at the post office or making any medical phone calls etc.

    Had lunch delivered again - and the lady just dumped everything at the front door of the building despite me giving instructions about it - as I live in an apartment building. I have had to put in a formal complaint because people steal here... which is why I'm so pedantic about things like this. I mean it's supposed to be a food delivery service to begin with.

    Everything seems like such an effort!!!!

    My knees hurt. My head hurts and I'm probably goingto lie down because there is nothing on free to air tv daytime. And I don't have any of the other services obviously either

  24. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    14 May 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Well I picked up the parcels finally from the post office. And did some grocery shopping this morning and have been in recovery mode all day because of it. I finally heard back from my male friend who can't make it to the musical. So I've texted my female friend who is currently AWOL... so I don't really hold much hope for her. So I'm running out of options fast. And because of the nature of the rare (read expensive) nature of the seats - if I can't find someone to come with me. Then they will have a random person from the audience to sit in the extra seat; despite me paying for both seats!!!!! I can't even get people to come out with me even if I pay for their tickets (or buy them drinks) etc - which is why I mostly go on my own. That's how pathetic my life is. I'm not a priority in anyone else's life and no one bothers to invite me out either. I get that most people have kids and other obligations but they don't even do an invite for coffee and chat or an invite for me to come over for a meal at their place. .. nothing. Zilch!! And it's not like I have many opportunities to meet people when I can't work; or study in person. So I have very little interactions with people because most people don't like me or want to invest in my time. And I don't whinge and complain about everything in person either. And I don't discuss my health unless they ask about it. With the exception of my male friend who lets me open up about it. I just hope that I can find someone who is willing to come along with me. It's a $300 ticket!!! And the last time I spent that money was to see phantom of the opera on Sydney harbour... it doesn't happen very often - and at least that time it was only one ticket.

    My male friend is in 2 local shows which I will probably end up seeing. It's the least I can do as he's one of the few people who support me... plus I might get to have a chat with him afterwards and if I'm lucky he'll drive me home too... especially if it's in the winter months. His wife doesn't like our friendship but she was actually sweet to me last time I saw them after a show; because I think she could see how much I was struggling to move. Chronic pain + chronic health issues + being fat = hard to move especially when I'm tired/in pain/cold = most days. And I had to get there by public transport as I don't drive.

  25. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • China
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    james1 avatar
    3061 posts
    16 May 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hey Bbydoll

    I'm so sorry to hear your friends may not be able to go to the musical with you. It sounds like your male friend gets pretty busy sometimes, so it's nice that you can at least talk to him about your health and hopefully can see him at his shows.

    Did you see phantom on the harbour this year? How'd you find it? I went as well and I went to the only show that got rained out!! But I will be seeing it again in the opera house and I'm super keen. I saw it the first time when Anthony Warlow was the phantom like 8 years ago.

  26. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    16 May 2022 in reply to james1

    Hi James1, I haven't seen my male friend since November and yes he does get overwhelmed when he is busy.

    Yes!!!! I was at that show too. I was in the cheap seats. And felt sorry for Christine and the Phantom trying to carry on despite getting drenched. I ended up in hospital a few days later because of gallstone issues and spent another week there. So because they gave us a $50 voucher to use for another opera, I put that towards treating myself to an expensive seat and was lucky that it remained completely dry through out the entire show. AND I am going to the opera house one too - because I bought that ticket before the other one. My first phantom show was back in the 90s at Theater Royal in Sydney - my mum loved the music and would crank it up (I was in high school at the time and had lots of days at home because of ill health). And she decided that she wanted to go to it; on the last day of the show. We ended up sitting in the foyer for 8 hours to see if we could get 2 tickets and was lucky enough to get them. Then I understood the appeal of the show and music. And have loved it ever since!

    Tomorrow I'm heading back to hospital for a colonoscopy and exploratory surgery. Crohns disease is no fun. It's only a day procedure thankfully; so I can sleep in my own bed.

    2 days ago I started to do a big clean in my apartment - even started sorting out some of mum's clothes and items - threw out about 6 garbage bags of stuff and it doesn't look much better. Unfortunately her clothes are too worn to be passed on to Op shops. I ended up sleeping most of today. But had to make some calls this afternoon and decided to go to the shops to run some errands - because it will give me a few days to recuperate and not have to worry about getting down there. I also brought in a load of washing and hung out another load out. And will be getting to bed early -as an early start tomorrow.

  27. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    18 May 2022 in reply to Bbydoll
    Considering I know a fair bit about this, what are you are actively doing to change your mindset?
  28. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    19 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas
    Hi Chris_Tas, for most of my adult life I've been in therapy and on and off antidepressants. As mentioned above have done distraction therapy/mindfulness etc. None of which has done much long term because the underlying cause of most of my mental health issues are caused by my health issues that are chronic in nature.
  29. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    20 May 2022 in reply to Bbydoll
    So I've just eaten a whole lot. On top of lunch and breakfast. So I am probably heading for trouble with my gallstones. Clearly my binge eating is back out of control. My male friend is into his second week of covid and I don't know if he will be able to do his shows - so I have no idea when I will be seeing him. I texted my brother about having my tests in hospital and of course no responses to any of my messages. My female friend responded to my text messages about the tests in hospital but not the ones in regards to the musical. It will be my birthday soon - and so far nothing is planned for the actual day and I can't get anyone to come with me the show either. And to top it off this stupid phone is taking forever to charge and lucky to last an hour or two if I'm online
  30. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    10022 posts
    20 May 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hello Dear Bbydoll,

    I am sorry to hear that your male friend has COVID I do hope he recovers well without any symptoms of long COVID...

    I used to binge eat...in a way I still do when I’m really down...which makes me feel unwell...Isn’t it sad how our mind keeps trying to destroy us...i mean it’s a part of us...we should be able to control our minds...not the other way around!....I suppose we have to keep trying hard to take control...I often wonder if it’s at possible to be completely in charge of us...

    Its nice that your friend responded to your text msgs about your tests...I think it does show that she does care about you..

    I applaud you with having a big clean up in your apartment...If I start cleaning out my house...I get so overwhelmed that I end up throwing out things that I didn’t want to...(triggers).....then I end up sad and down on myself....well done for doing that...so sorry Bbydoll sorting through your beautiful mums clothes, would have been hard...

    I do hope that your tests were not to hard on you and that your results will be goods ones...fingers crossed for you sweet Bbydoll...

    I do hope that you will let us know, when your birthday arrives...so we can wish you some good birthday wishes...

    sending you my kindest thoughts with my care dear Bbydoll..

    Grandy..

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