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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I’m not sure why I’m doing this

Topic: I’m not sure why I’m doing this

28 posts, 0 answered
  1. J774
    J774 avatar
    17 posts
    11 May 2020

    But I think I might be able to get some help here.

    I have suicidal thoughts and ideas (I don’t think I would act upon them) but they’re so regular and it stresses me out. Recently diagnosed with BPD and my life is getting so terrible. I’ve tried around 15 different medications which have done nothing and now on some toxic meds which are awful :( I hate it

    I self harm so often but I don’t see it as a problem anymore and I don’t even do it when I’m sad anymore. I just do it and I’m worried bc I won’t even be sad and still do it - it’s just a thing I do.

    i just feel so hopeless like things are never gonna get better :( it’s been like 6 years and things haven’t gotten better at all

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    Sophie_M avatar
    2781 posts
    12 May 2020 in reply to J774
    Hey J774, thanks for reaching out to us tonight, we're so glad you're here to seek support. 

    It sounds like things are really overwhelming at the moment and you feel like you've tried every option to feel better but not much is working. We're sorry to hear you feel this way. It can take time to figure out what really works for you, but please know that things can get better. We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.
    Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.
    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
    Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
  3. therising
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    12 May 2020 in reply to J774

    Hi J774

    My heart goes out to you as you struggle to cope with the challenges you're facing. Having lived with depression for quite a number of years at one point in my life, if there is one thing I've learned in making my way out of it and rising well beyond it - every challenge begins with questioning.

    It can be hard to find answers as to why we feel the way we do when we're not sure which questions to begin asking. I'll ask a few of you to hopefully get the ball rolling:

    How do you relate to elements of self harming through your senses? How do you relate through sight or through feeling (touch), for example? Typically, we do something for a reason, even if we don't consciously know what that reason is. Another question: When you look to self harm are you in 2 minds? For example, one part of you says 'I shouldn't be doing this', whereas the other says 'Do it because...'? The 2 minds aspect is interesting, as it can reveal a lot. The part of the mind that may say 'Do it because...' will help reveal the reason. The reason may initially sound a little crazy but from a unique perspective it will make perfect sense.

    Regarding the thoughts and ideas that come often, the ones you wouldn't act on, do you know why they are so frequent? Could it relate to medication? While some of the meds can be depressingly numbing and some can leave you feeling physically ill (also depressing), some you may be naturally sensitive to, chemically. The search itself, for the right med, can also become a depressing factor. I remember those days. The disappointment needs to be managed effectively, for the sake of mental well being. Sounds like your body and mind do not like the current medication. Push this aspect of rejection with whoever prescribed it.

    May sound like a strange question but if I was to ask you what parts of your self (aspects of self) would you want to gradually die off, what aspects would you consider? Are there aspects that you would consider to be artificial, such as that part of our self that dictates 'We can't challenge people because it will upset them'? In my opinion, some folk need a bit of a shake up at times. The artificial aspects of self are typically the ones taught to us over time. They're often not a part of our natural self. Sometimes a challenge involves letting go of a false sense of self. While some teachings can be positively grounding, to help us manage our natural excitement, some teachings can be incredibly depressing to live with.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  4. J774
    J774 avatar
    17 posts
    12 May 2020 in reply to therising

    Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate it

    They’re interesting question I haven’t really thought about it before I guess the senses would be sight and feel and when I harm I know it’s not right but I have a need to do it whether it’s numbness or to feel or just because I want to bc I can control it idk.

    medication wise I’ve tried 12 different meds from the different antidepressant types and antipsychotics too and nothing is making a difference. I’m scared as to what the next thing could be. I don’t want to have to go to hospital :( I have to wait a bit longer on my newest meds to see what and if they’ll do anything.

    i just feel so hopeless like this is my deal of cards for my life. The urges are so strong to self harm and I constantly have suicidal thoughts and I’m scared and tired just so tired of feeling this way

  5. therising
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    13 May 2020 in reply to J774

    Hi J774

    When I was a young gal, probably in the early stages of depression (without realising it), some of my reasons for self harming were similar. For me, there was some emotional numbness beginning to creep in on top of a desire to be on my own a lot due to feelings of rejection. Looking back, I realise I had a deep need to connect with myself on another level. The actions allowed me to connect with myself in a variety of ways. It took me out of my head (thinking) and into feeling, in a controlled sort of way. I don't know if this will make sense but it's like I became an observer of my ability to connect with myself.

    These days the story's very different; I love self observation but without such extreme measures. I like to observe my emotions. Example: Someone says something to me that triggers my mind and body into action. It may be something as simple as 'You're insane', if I have a belief they don't agree with. Straight away my mind will react, 'No, I'm not' (defense mode). Being a sensitive gal, I feel my body begin to 'power up' through my nervous system - there's an all over slightly tense feeling throughout my body, my heart starts racing, I can feel everything powering up from my heart to my head. By this stage, if I don't find the confidence to to release a naturally intelligent response, I can begin to feel pressure change through my sinuses (as I stay 'in my head' simply wishing I could say something). Tell you, I'm sensitive. I can feel the whole lot. My mantra 'How do I manage this?' often comes into play during an emotional situation. When there's a lot of energy in motion happening throughout our body, it's gotta be managed. My goal in life is to manage myself to mastery. Still got a fair way to go but I'm happy with the progress.

    Mental emotion generates physical emotion. I'm now learning, at the age of 49 and going through that stage of life, physical emotion can also prompt thought/mental emotion. If I have a surge in energy (aka 'hot flush), I don't think 'I'll ride it out', instead I'll automatically acknowledge it as a cue to calm my system down. Hydration is a biggy for me these days, as well as breathing exercises. Most women I mention this to think I'm nuts but it always works for me. 'Crazy' is riding it out if you don't have to.

    Wondering if you find you have a pretty sensitive nervous system at times. Can it be easily triggered? I find, often we're taught to suppress mental and physical emotion, rather than observe it.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  6. J774
    J774 avatar
    17 posts
    14 May 2020 in reply to therising

    hi therising

    I feel like part of the issue of me not self observing would be because I genuinly hate myself. I avoid spending time with my self as much as I can. The only time I really spend with myself is when I am in bed. That’s also my darkest time. I want to harm myself and punish myself for bein the way I am. Broken and messed up.

    every time I think I get a step up the rug gets pulled from underneath me and another diagnosis appears. People ask what’s wrong with me? Where do I start. I’m just a mess, it’s no wonder I’m so lonely and want to hurt myself

  7. Sophie_M
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    14 May 2020 in reply to J774
    Hi J774,

    Sorry to hear that things are still hard for you at the moment, though it's great to see you responding on the thread and talking to us. 

    I can understand why you would find it hard to observe the feelings inside yourself as therising suggested when you are so full of these overwhelming emotions and self-hatred, but it is when these feelings are at their most intense that it can be helpful for us to notice them: we don't have to love these feelings or ourselves, but what we can do is realise we are getting these emotions and getting these thoughts, and recognise that although they are a part of us, we don't always have to do what they tell us to.

    We have sent you another email to check, so please feel free to check in with us if you need to talk or any extra support. The helplines at Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636, Lifeline 13 11 14, and Suicide Callback Service 1300 659 467 are also there for you 24/7.
  8. J774
    J774 avatar
    17 posts
    14 May 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thanks for your response Sophie

    I don’t even know what these feelings are. For so long I’ve been told not to show my feelings or anything so I don’t even know what they are or how to label them. They’re just bad feelings that’s I’ve suppressed for so long, ignored and left unchecked. I’ve been so depressed for what feels like my whole life.

    The self harm isn’t even what concerns me, it’s the constant suicidal thoughts that linger around and have been seemingly more constant. I just can’t escape them. It’s not like I’ll act on them but they scare me and the frequency of them is so often alongside the self harming

  9. therising
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    14 May 2020 in reply to J774

    Hi J774

    I get where you're coming from. During my years in depression, self observation definitely would have felt torturous. I would have thought what's the point, all I'm observing is sadness, dysfunction and hopelessness. Maybe what I would tell my past self, 'There is a reason you're sad, there's a reason for the dysfunction and hopelessness. Your challenge is to find the reasons'. While certain clinical labels can be handy (such as Depression), as they go toward pinpointing significant chemical imbalances and deficiencies in the brain/body, often there are also natural reasons for why things can be playing out the way they are.

    Looking back at what kept me in depression for about 15 years, I can honestly say much of it involved conditioning of sorts. I was conditioned out of being my natural self, as are most of us.

    • When we're little we ask 'Why?' a heck of a lot. We are conditioned to stop asking 'Why?', to stop naturally wondering and seeking answers. Sadly, we are also conditioned to not question authority. Big mistake as authority, a lot of the time, reflects irrational and highly questionable beliefs
    • We're told to adventure less and focus more on 'the important things'. While we do have growing responsibilities that creep into our life over time, one of the most important aspects of life and our natural self involves adventure. Adding new ventures and indulging in recreation is what re-creates us time and time again. It's how we evolve. Without balance we experience the imbalance on many levels

    Could go on with a long list when it comes to how we have that natural self conditioned out of us. The saddest part of such conditioning can involve us asking at some point 'What's wrong with me?', without having the answer. The answer may simply be 'There was nothing wrong with me to start with. It's what came after that was wrong. My feelings are a reflection of the wrongness'.

    Since coming out of depression, I can honestly say much of my self (my old self) has died off. It has been a slow and gradual death and has involved some grieving and confusion yet it's been a liberating incredible search for that natural self I couldn't even remember being. I recall that temptation to let go all at once, in my darkest times.

    When young, we may be taught to judge and love our self conditionally, hope less, adventure less and cease being wonderful (full of wonder). Re-membering our self, after dismemberment, can be a long process with much questioning.

    :)

  10. J774
    J774 avatar
    17 posts
    15 May 2020 in reply to therising

    There aren’t a whole bunch of reasons why I am the way I am. I know part of my anxiety came from being bullied in primary school and some of my BPD comes from family issues but they aren’t even that bad. Like so many people have it worse and I sit here depressed wishing to not be alive. It’s so selfish 😞 so many people have actual reasons to struggle and I sit here being ungrateful and depressed

    I do to try to seek out why I became depressed or anxious or why I have BPD and it’s not exactly obvious. I have no idea what my triggers are either. There’s no pattern one second I’m fine the next I’m not okay at all and the next I just wanna throw something or punch a wall or something. I wish there was a clear reason or something so I could get the right treatment because cleary medication doesn’t work for me, I’m scared of what the next thing is tho

  11. J774
    J774 avatar
    17 posts
    16 May 2020 in reply to J774

    If I have suicidal thoughts/ideas (high doubt I would act on them though) and struggle heavily with self harm, Do I need to go to hospital?

    just as a general question I’m not in danger tonight

    I’ve never been and the thought scares me but idk when I should or when I don’t need to

  12. Sophie_M
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    2781 posts
    16 May 2020 in reply to J774
    Hi J774,

    Thanks for reaching out here tonight. This is a safe space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support and conversation as you need. We're also currently getting in touch with you via email as we are worried about your wellbeing. If you feel it may be helpful to talk through some of these thoughts and feelings with a counsellor, we would recommend getting in touch with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk to you about these feelings in a little more detail, and provide you with support and advice. 

    However, if you feel in immediate danger from acting on these thoughts or urges to self-harm, this is an emergency and it's important that you call 000 immediately. We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.
  13. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    17 May 2020 in reply to J774

    hiya - hope you don't mind me popping in and saying hello.

    for myself, I would be predisposed to depression from my dad's side of the family - family history. And when feeling low it does not really matter how you got there, you are there and just as deserving of help, love and support as the next person. I was like you in regard to not showing feelings and for me, one day it was too much. I did not know what it was until I started to see a psychologist.

    I also find that talk therapy helps with the medication as well. The thoughts and feelings do not always stop.

    Do you have many people you can talk to? Do you see anyone professionally?

    Lastly, on where to start... the real answer to that question is anywhere. That is how my sessions start with my psych. Eventually we get to the core of the matter. I am listening to you.

    Tim

  14. J774
    J774 avatar
    17 posts
    19 May 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim, thanks for jumping in and for your support :)

    So I’ve actually been diagnosed with depression and anxiety over 5 years ago and more recently with BPD in the last year. My depression is potentially treatment resistant which is super fun :( it’s not clear if it’s family history as my sister and myself have been the first to be diagnosed with any kind of mental illness

    In regards of people to talk to Im in constant contact with my GP and see a psychologist regularly (although I’m not getting much out of it) as well as a psychiatrist who manages my meds who I don’t see all that often. Other than that I have my bf who is amazing but I don’t want to overload him with my problems

    my parents don’t believe in mental illness and have always told me to suck it up and just get over it even when I was little I was never really ever allowed to show emotion which was really difficult. I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have I’m a bit of a closed book and it’s very surface level, I’m a bit of a social outcast :(

    This time of social isolation has sucked majorly, be stuck with my family and not being able to see my few friends. I feel so disconnected

  15. therising
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    20 May 2020 in reply to J774

    Hi J774

    Sophie has given you some thoughtful resources. If you come to face a life or death situation, in relation to extreme inescapable thoughts, definitely go to hospital if you believe there's nothing else that can save your life. As Sophie mentioned, call 000.

    You name a couple of major factors for the anxiety and depression. Sounds like your mind and body may have been conditioned over time to rise to anxiety, through the bullying. My son's copped a fair bit of bullying throughout his schooling (he's in year 9 now). He's faced the challenges which can come with low self-esteem and self questioning. I know the signs of depression, based on my own experience and have always managed to help him reason his way out of going into a depression, through a lot of open and honest conversations and strategies. His self-esteem is gradually rising. The typical 'Everyone goes through bullying, it's a part of life' is no management plan, it's simply a sad statement proclaiming abuse to be normal.

    Your parents not believing in mental health issues leads me to wonder:

    • How did they help you raise yourself through challenge? Did they like to use the phrase 'Just get on with things?' Again, no management or skill development there
    • How did they raise you to release stress and self-doubt? Did they leave you with these factors, as opposed to giving you strategies to cope with them and release them?
    • How did they lead you to perceive emotion?

    The emotion aspect is a biggy in our house. I teach my kids emotion offers significant cues in the way of managing our self. Even the smallest of physical emotional cues holds significance, such as a sigh. It's often a natural release of stress that can cue us to begin focusing on our breathing, while constructively questioning our thoughts.

    Being taught over and over again to not vent or express our self is about suppressing things, as opposed to thoughtful skill development. To suppress or be oppressed is depressing.

    Learning triggers is a skillful art. Always ask 'Why has this person or situation triggered me to anger or sadness so quickly?' I find a lot of the time I'm triggered by other people's thoughtlessness. J, if you're a naturally thoughtful person, this'll be a trigger every time, no matter how small the issue may appear to be. If someone says to me 'You're so sensitive', my response these days is 'Yeah, why aren't you? What's wrong with you?' :)

    Feel free to vent here in any way, any time. Go for your life!

    1 person found this helpful
  16. J774
    J774 avatar
    17 posts
    20 May 2020 in reply to therising

    Hi therising,

    Im sorry to hear your son has experienced bullying at school, I’ve been bullied at school myself so I totally feel for him. I’m very glad my time in school is done that’s for sure :)

    exactly as you said they said things like “just get over it, move on, don’t stress so much” etc which has now had big implications on myself not being able to manage or regulate my own emotions. I don’t even know what I’m feeling half the time honestly.

    I was never taught healthy ways to release emotions but rather suppress them which often led to explosions of anger of breakdowns. I’ve only ever seen my parents cry like 2-3 times on rare occasions and we don’t ever talk of emotions or anything

    The way you're teaching your kids sounds so constructive and helpful and what you’ve said is super interesting and helpful so thank you

    I think I definitely agree with that trigger from others thoughtfulness

    Thank you again for your support :))

    Jess

  17. therising
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    21 May 2020 in reply to J774

    Hi Jess

    It's definitely a challenge when it comes to us raising our self out of destructive mindsets. While our parents may have thought they were doing their best, based on how they were led to believe kids are meant to be raised, it's up to us to take it up a notch when it comes to greater consciousness. As I say to my kids 'It's up to each generation to evolve beyond the last. Your task is to take the best of what you've learned from your parents and add to it. Sift out anything that serves no purpose other than sufferance'. Without a doubt, my kids raise me just as much as I try to raise them. I invite them to question my questionable behaviour and ways of thinking. Many times, they've led me to the revelation 'My way is insane'. These insane ideas are typically the ones that I've been led to believe in. Once I came to realise the insanity, I began to observe others around me. You know what Jess, most of the time the insensitive folk who have learned insane ways are kinda crazy :) Give you a few examples:

    • Someone might decide to confide in a close friend or family member 'My depression has gotten too much for me and I can't go on any longer. I just don't know what to do'. The other person may say 'Oh, don't say that. You'll be right'. While they may be coming from a loving place with the best of intentions, what this can translate to is 'Keep your thoughts to yourself, I don't want to hear them. Things will magically fix themselves (without any plan)'. In the mind of the helper, there is nothing wrong with their statement of concern. In the mind of the sufferer, the statement relates to suppressing emotion and hoping for the best in a hopeless situation. It's insane. In truth, the statement lacks thought (is thoughtless) and is highly questionable
    • I've said to my husband on numerous occasions 'Why don't you have more to do with the kids?' His response, 'I will, when they clean their rooms'. I personally believe it is insane to base a whole relationship upon the state of a bedroom
    • You can have a teacher thoroughly degrade a student (who's made an honest mistake) in front of a class. If the student is to stand up and respectfully demand that the teacher stop, the student is sent to the principals office where they'll most likely be told to respect the teacher. Insane! In my opinion, the wrong person's been reprimanded

    Jess, I hope you regularly come to question the craziness around you. It'll help you identify how sane you are.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  18. J774
    J774 avatar
    17 posts
    26 May 2020 in reply to therising

    They are trying their best though. At least I try to tell myself that half the time it’s like they couldn’t care less.

    Maybe it is me though, maybe I’m the problem. I wouldn’t be surprised I’m far from a normal person. I’m well and truly crazy as seen through the things I tell myself and do to myself. I’m not even worried by the frequency at which I hurt myself bc it’s just like scratching an itch sometime - that is actually crazy.

    sorry, been having a bit of a “fun” time with myself lately. Been trying to engage with therapy and group therapy but I really just hate it. Maybe I secretly don’t want to get better but I hate the way I am so I try and try again. Medication after medication, doctor after doctor - why won’t anything change?

  19. Sophie_M
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    26 May 2020 in reply to J774
    Hi J774,

    We're so sorry to hear that you're hating therapy and group therapy - we think that you are so strong for doing your best to engage anyway. If you're comfortable, can you tell us what it is that you are hating about it? Please remember that there is always hope - things are always changing and with the right treatment and support, things can always improve. 

    If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, and as well as telephone counselling, they have a 24/7 webchat counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under - https://kidshelpline.com.au/

    It's great to hear from you, please feel free to keep us updated whenever you're feeling up to it.
    1 person found this helpful
  20. blondguy
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    27 May 2020 in reply to J774

    Hi J774,

    I understand you as I have had therapy (and group therapy) before and it was awful to start with yet became better after a few visits

    Can I ask why you hate therapy/counselling?

    you are amazing for being so proactive with your well being! Nice1

    Great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forum family :-)

    Paul

  21. J774
    J774 avatar
    17 posts
    27 May 2020 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Sophie and Paul,

    Ive been getting therapy for about 6 years and the reason I went to therapy was on my own terms and voluntary and was never forced into it.

    My first psychologist was really great and helped me and made me feel validated but then she moved away. It was so hard for me to let her in and took years and then I had to find another person and go through that whole soul drenching process again.

    I struggled to find another person who would take me bc I was often a difficult case or places were full, other times I didn’t like the person I saw and didn’t go back.

    the person I’m currently seeing is really nice and wishes the best for me but I feel pitied and really struggle to tell her anything bc I am super anxious or ashamed of my own actions so the whole process of going is really draining and I really don’t enjoy it. I’m really trying and I know it should be good for me but I’m not getting anything out of it and I dread going to every appointment.

    The group therapy I’ve been made to go to by my doctor and bc of covid it’s all online and the whole idea of group therapy scares me and then with it being online too is even worse as I can’t even connect at all with the other people so everything and everyone is so foreign and I don’t feel comfortable sharing and find it so hard to engage bc it’s online (and staring at a screen for 2 hours with adhd is a real challenge)

    And then I’ve seen 2 psychiatrists. My first one was a male who I wasn’t comfortable with but my mum loved for some reason (probably bc he would always tell her things when she came which I didn’t want her to know) but we didn’t connect at all and he didn’t focus on the treatment side of things and how it was going but just random stuff. So I changed to the person I’m seeing now who is okay but I don’t really connect but she’s better than my previous one. I’m really just tired of trying medications bc I’ve tried 12 different ones and nothing has changed and I’m tired and sick of feeling this way but nothing is happening with any of my therapies or treatments

    Ive tried and tried and I’m still struggling and things are getting more real and difficult and then I have to pay for everything myself bc my mum doesn’t believe in mental illnesses and I don’t have the money to pay bc I’m a uni student and just lost my job too so yeah

    1 person found this helpful
  22. blondguy
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    27 May 2020 in reply to J774

    Hey J

    Thanks for replying J774...

    My dad didnt believe in mental illness too..which is sad as its no different to having a physical health issue...

    Can I ask why your mum doesnt believe in mental health?

    Sophie_M mentioned the kids helpline.They take calls 24/7 from many uni students like yourself J774...You mentioned Covid-19 and being at Uni.....You are not alone....you are strong by having the courage to post :-)

    Our friends at the kids helpline are super caring to talk to..1800 55 1800

    Paul

  23. Sleepy21
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    27 May 2020 in reply to J774

    Hi J

    Thanks for sharing your story

    My heart goes out to you. I'm really sorry, it can be frustrating to try to get help and find it unhelpful. I'm sorry you feel that way and feel like things aren't the way you would like.

    I really hope you feel better soon. I went to a recovery centre, run by a hospital for suicidal ideation - so people can get hospital help for that.

    Hope you are okay and sending care and support,

    Vanessa

  24. therising
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    27 May 2020 in reply to J774

    Hi J774

    You're definitely a natural in so many ways, based on a lot of the things you say. One of the toughest things about being a natural involves less natural people leading you to doubt yourself.

    • You're a natural at being able to read what works and doesn't work for you. The psyches you didn't click with, I imagine you picked this vibe from pretty much the beginning of your visits to them. Did the following sessions naturally feel like a bit of a waste of time? Did you work well with the ones you naturally clicked with?
    • The psyche who you feel pities you - there's a chance they're an extremely empathetic person but not balanced well enough for you. It is said that we need a balance of the masculine and feminine in us, perhaps they lean too much to the feminine side
    • The itch you feel the need to scratch. Mind and body are definitely highly interactive. Being able to translate the cryptic things that come out of our mind/body connection can be challenging. I find things can be metaphorical to some degree, leading us to interpret some of our experiences in life. A few examples: We see something overwhelmingly beautiful and announce 'It took my breath away' or 'It was breathtaking'. We may not have noticed the gasp we took when we saw it. We can be dealing with overwhelming stressors while giving our shoulder a rub. We may say 'I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders'. Instead of addressing the psychological 'weight of the world' feeling, we see a physio. We can have someone close to us deeply wound us. We may then go on to experience an unexplained tightness in our chest or heart palpitations over the days or weeks that follow. It may be explained away as anxiety (for reasons unknown). The truth may simply be 'We have been left heartbroken'. All this is what leads me to wonder what this itch is that you're trying to scratch. Are you itching for excitement, difference, satisfaction or all 3 at once and just can't get any joy? Seriously frustrating stuff
    • Wondering if you're someone who can easily pick up a vibe as soon as you enter a room. If you are, remote therapy may pose some challenges because you're not physically in the room. Group therapy definitely holds potential, as it's what got me out of 15 or so years of depression

    You have some incredibly natural abilities. Being sensitive also naturally allows us to feel our self being put down or let down by others. If I asked you how this feels, would you say 'Depressing'?

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  25. J774
    J774 avatar
    17 posts
    27 May 2020 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul, Vanessa and therising

    My Mum I think refuses to believe the bubbly little girl is not so bubbly anymore.... She always tries to convince herself and me that I'm fine and I'm just overreacting or being overly sensitive. Both parents tell me i should just suck it up and stop being so dramatic and attention seeking :( You're exactly right, its just like a physical illness but they just won't have a bar of it. We were watching tv the other night and on this show a girl went to hospital for self harm and my dad was like "You know any kids that do this too themselves, so stupid, they're just trying to get attention." I said no and he kept pressing me saying how I must know someone - They dont know about my self harm or how bad and frequent its become...

    I'm a little concerned at what the next step for me might be whether its going to hospital or a different type of treatment. Some days idek if I want to go on and I can get really distressed where I've had to contact lifeline (usually via text bc I'm too nervous to call though!)

    For the time being, I'm still here but I'm just very exhausted and depressed whilst also trying to work and do uni all the while confined to my house with my parents who I don't really get along with anymore.

    therising, I like to think I can read a room but honestly I dont trust myself with anything anymore and always second guess myself with everything. With my psyches I'm probably just going to sit these ones out bc it took me sooo long to find someone who would take me and don't want to have to go through the rigorous process of opening up again, I cant do it again. I definitely value others presence in a room (even though im socially anxious and introverted) so yes, remote group therapy and just one on one remote therapy has been incredibly challenging for me to feel engaged or able to be vulnerable.

    As for that self harming itch... I think part of it is just me having the control do be able to harm myself. I do agree with the satisfaction one too another reason is just being able to feel something strongly.

    1 person found this helpful
  26. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    3980 posts
    7 June 2020 in reply to J774
    Hi - just thought I would jump in and see how you are going? Hope all is OK with you.
  27. josh1245
    josh1245 avatar
    173 posts
    7 June 2020 in reply to J774

    hey J774 I would to welcome you to this wonderful community and I also would like to applaud you for your incredible strength and bravery in asking for help. firstly I would like to say that you are not worthless your are an amazing expectational person. I would like to say that I have been through what your been through I felt worthless, a loser, nothing etc but that's not the case. something that helped me was that every morning I went to the mirror and said 5 nice things about yourself and eventually u will believe it.

    hope all is well in the future

    regards josh

  28. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1226 posts
    8 June 2020 in reply to J774

    Hi J774

    Wondering how you're traveling. Hoping you're discovering some positive differences here and there.

    With that second guessing aspect of self, it's typically programed into us. I believe it's not a natural part of who we are, therefor it takes a bit of practice and perseverance in ridding our self of it. Still can't completely shake the habit myself.

    I find one of the best ways to get rid of the second guessing which, in turn, goes toward boosting self-esteem is through the statement 'That's questionable' or 'That's questionable behaviour'. For example, when your dad announced 'You know any kids that do this too themselves? So stupid, they're just trying to get attention'. Who the heck says this sort of thing? That's questionable, such a statement. Don't leave yourself thinking 'I feel stupid'. Would it make more sense for your dad to have said 'You know any kids that do this to themselves? So concerning, they really need attention, care and understanding'. Would this have been the statement of a more thoughtful person? If you'd have made this comment, wouldn't that make you a thoughtful person? Through 'That's questionable', you can reach the conclusion, in this case, you're far more thoughtful than your dad.

    Reading a room is pretty similar. You can walk in, suss everyone out and be led to think 'That's questionable (behaviour)' from certain people. At a party, you might notice one person looks pretty down. You might go to them with a smile and say 'Hi, how you going. Enjoying the party?' You might become the person they open up to. Another person might be drunk, acting as the centre of attention. You may think 'That's questionable behaviour'. You observe them for a while as someone comes up to you and says 'She's always drunk, every party I go to'. This may lead you to naturally think 'She can't be happy without alcohol'. While others judge her for being an attention seeking drunk, you may be more sensitive to the idea that she cannot feel happy without alcohol. This may lead you to have compassion for her. Before you know it, you've read the room better than anyone else could, all through the intuitive thought 'That's questionable'.

    Wondering if you're questioning yourself more than you're questioning others. Should you be questioning others more, their comments and behaviours? Tell you what, when you start questioning the questionable behaviours of others, the 'sane' people actually start to appear pretty crazy in their ways.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful

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