this is my first post here so i'm sorry if this is disorganised, i just need to vent
i don't have many people to talk to; i talk to my school friends almost never whenever we're not in school. i feel constantly lonely in school and have been many times left behind by them, most of the time where they talk to their other friends without acknowledging me or walk off without me. i only have one online friend who i talk to on a personal level and regularly, my boyfriend.
i do my best to talk to my irl friends to be closer with them, but i feel like it never works - i always try to be there for them when no one else is, but as soon as they're alright, i feel like i'm immediately discarded and they go be with their other friends again. no one knows how i feel, and i don't want to open up about it since it'd be awkward since i'm really not close with my friends.
only my boyfriend knows, but when i opened up to him and told him i think my friends hate me and why, he kept telling me they don't, but eventually snapped that my friends must hate me then. i haven't told him anything since. i don't think i want to be with him anymore, but his mental health isn't in a good place either, so i'm worried i might set something off if i do that (i don't think he'd be threatening to me or anything, but he'd get upset).
i dont want to tell my parents; i dont want them to feel like theyre bad parents (which my mum told me before when she saw me crying). my dad is helpful, but i don't want my mum feeling left out, but i don't opening up to her cause she doesnt get it (she tells me to just be happy, and that my friends like me). earlier she walked in on me crying again and when i refused to talk to her about it, she said she was now going to feel bad for the rest of the night and 'thanks'. my family fights a lot, making it worse since my autism&anxiety worsens with noise. i cant tell my dad rn since he will be gone for a while, and i cant call him as to not stress him out more working. even when im not crying, my anxiety makes me feel like i am going to die.
i've been feeling suicidal, and have hurt myself, but don't want to tell anyone cause of that. i can't tell my therapist (who i havent seen in a while, and since i just met her i feel hesitant on opening up) cause then she'd have to tell my parents. i also feel incredibly ugly and insecure.
i feel hopeless, and i want to get better, ive been trying and nothing seems to be working
there's more, but character limit